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 Post subject: Tapering with a Toddler!
PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 12:32 pm 
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Okay, so I'm going to make this as quick as I can.. My son is in his bed "trying" to fall asleep, and this is about the only time I have throughout the day to get anything done (productively).
I'm 22 years old. When I was 17 (senior in HS), I had surgery and got addicted to pain meds (Hydros and Percs). I don't fully blame my doctor for writing me script after script with refills after refills, because my mother's side of the family are all addicted to either pills or alcohol (including my mother), so I knew the possibility of me getting addicted was very high. My mom and I used together for about 8 months when my dad found out. I had quit school and done nothing good for myself since my surgery. How my dad didn't see the lies my mother and I were telling is a completely different story, but that is for another time. So after Dad found out, Mom and I found the miracle drug, Suboxone, and started our journey.
It was June 2007 when we started and have been on it since. I got pregnant in 2010 and was switched to Subutex. 5 different doctors told me my baby would have zero effects from the subutex and that it would be dangerous to both of us for me to stop. So, I trusted them and continued to take it. I was also on Lexapro. When my son was born in November 2010, he was addicted to either Subutex or Lexapro, and the two pediatricians in the hospital told me two different things. One said it was Subutex withdrawal and the other said Lexapro withdrawal. I was treated horribly for the entire week we were in the hospital. My son was put on phenabarbatol (sp?) to help with the withdrawals, only because I refused to let them dose him with Morphine and end up staying for 2+ months in the hospital. So, up until the last month, I was in denial and told myself that he was not affected by the Subutex, that he was in withdrawals from the Lexapro. I really don't know, it could have been a combo of both. I hate myself for what I made him suffer through.. I am his mother, I was supposed to protect him...

Anyways.. on to why I am here. My dad has carried me on his insurance, but he is retiring so I can't afford to pay in order to keep my coverage. I have one more doctor's visit for suboxone (strips). I don't have a problem with getting enough to last throughout this process... I really don't even need to go for the last visit, but I want them to know I won't be coming back. I want to get off of the suboxone. I don't feel like a real person right now. And I do feel that it is the suboxone that is doing it to me. I have wanted off for a while, but this was the push that I needed. I was started on a dose of 32 mgs 5 years ago and am now down to 2 mgs. I am shooting for a fast taper- 4 or 5 days between cutting my dose. But I am okay with taking a little longer, only if needed. My family doctor prescribed me clonodine, ativan (sp?), bentyl and remeron (sp?) to help with my withdrawal. I have also ordered a slew of vitamins to help- L Tyrosine, B6, C, D, women's mulitivitamin, Folic Acid, Potassium, and maybe some others.... so many to keep up with!

When I was on pills (just to put it out there, on the average day I was taking 20-25 10mg Percocet), I could not deal with the withdrawals. Now, I'm afraid I won't be able to deal with the withdrawal from Suboxone. I have tons of support from family (husband, parents, in-laws), I am seeing a therapist weekly, and I am about to start intensive outpatient therapy for 6-8 weeks. It's just the physical symptoms and the anxiety that are scaring me. Especially since I have a 21 month old toddler to take care of. I don't want this to negatively affect him. That's why I will be staying with my parents and in-laws back and forth for the next couple of months. I know this will be best for all of us in the long run, but right now, I don't want to feel bad and my son pick up on it.

I'm rambling.. I probably forgot a lot of what I meant to say..... I think I just need someone to tell me to snap out of it because I am making it worse for myself than it should be.. Any advice?


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 4:09 pm 
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Hello tdouglas, welcome!!!

After reading your story, where you've come from, where you are, and what you have planned to get to where you want to be, I don't think you are going to have any problems that are too big for you to handle. You have done a lot already to get in place, what you feel you will need. The extra help with your child, support for yourself, the vitamins (good call), and you have a great attitude! That sounds like a recipe for success to me!

There are a ton of stories on here in the stopping suboxone section, that I think you could get a lot out of. Plus we have a bunch of great members who have all tapered and jumped, and have been successful at it. They can tell you what to expect, and how to deal with it, when and if it happens for you. Everyones experience with it is so unique to them, but they have some similarities from what I have read.

Good luck to you on your road to recovery, and keep letting us know how you are doing. We are all here to support you!

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"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
~Deepak Chopra


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 11:44 pm 
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Thank you for your encouraging words, Goingstrong! I can't say how much they help.. I read your post over and over, trying to convince myself that you are right. My problem is, I don't feel like I am a "strong" person. I guess, looking back, I had to be a strong person to have made it through the things I have in my life, but I just feel like when the going gets rough, I tend to take the easy way out.. Don't we all? That's why I'm on Subs today- I needed an easy way out from the hydro/perc withdrawal. I'm sure you understand what I'm saying, even if it's not clear from what I've typed. I'm in such a weird state of mind right now. I'm not high, or in real w/ds, but I'm not completely with it, ya know?
I'm going to try to make this thread a journal of sorts, to document everything along the way. I'll go ahead and start.. Be forewarned, this may not make much sense! I just need to get some of this OUT!

I am emotional. It just hit me hard. I feel like for the last 5 years, I have not been a real person. I've had times during these last few years where I felt okay and real, but not like I should. I'm sitting on my couch with my dog at my feet, my husband downstairs working, and my son in his room asleep. I think my greatest fear is passing this on to my baby boy. **Here come the tears...* My husband and I have made the decision to always be honest and upfront with him about my past and what he experienced at birth. I'm terrified that he will hate me for that. I have had times where I was angry with my mother for being a drug addict. For the most part, I accept it, but of course, I wish I didn't have to deal with any of this. Who in their right mind would want to be a drug addict, or come from a family of addicts? Bottom line is I want better for my son and any future children I may have. It would be so much harder for me to see my child hurt from addiction than it is for me to go through it myself.

Over the last couple of days I have thought of just jumping off a slightly higher dose than I had planned- maybe around 1 mg? I think I could deal with shorter but slightly more intense w/ds than I could longer/easier w/ds. I don't know that it makes any sense, but I'm ready to be DONE! I want to feel again.. I want to enjoy life again. I want to enjoy SEX with my husband (sorry, TMI, but I have zero sex life.. I dread sex, to be honest). I want to wake up in the morning and feel good without having to take my medicine to get through the day.

I need some advice on this.. I have the comfort meds listed above- clonodine, ativan, bentyl- WHEN do I use them? This morning I took 1mg of suboxone and .75 around 3pm. I am 22 years old, 5'4" and 100 pounds soaking wet. I think my body metabolizes suboxone WAY faster than average because I have a very difficult time going longer than 18 or so hours without dosing. I'm not sure if my symptoms are from heat or what, but today I felt very sweaty but cold.. chills and hotflashes at once, headache, tired/groggy/heavy, anxious. Today was my first day going below 2mgs, so I'm sure it is just my body trying to get used to a lower dose. And I probably "made up" some of my pain as well. Right now, I feel okay, but my legs ache a little and I feel like I want to just run. No where in particular, I just want to get away. I guess that's anxiety. My son went with his grandparents today, so I was home alone and I'm sure that if he had been here, I wouldn't have felt so badly because he would have taken my mind off of it. So I guess my question is, how much discomfort should I be in before I turn to my comfort meds? Hopefully someone can help me out with that because I don't want to screw up here...

Thank you guys for listening, if you made it this far. It helped just to get some of that off my chest. I will check in tomorrow and let everyone know how I'm doing. I'm on Eastern time... I'm probably going to start staying with either my parents or my inlaws next week. My husband will be home this weekend to help me. My parents live directly across the street, so anytime I feel the need to get out of my big, empty, depressing mess of a home (I had been doing fabulous at keeping the house spotless until this last week when I've been tapering.. now it's all gone to hell and makes me feel like a failure :( I've gotta work something out here cause I just can't live like this.. ugh!) I just walk across the street for a little while. I will be dropping my dose to 1.5mg Tuesday, I believe, so that will be when I leave home. I'm thinking I will need my comfort meds at that point. But I will have help, so that's okay. I'll be back tomorrow! I'm going to get some sleep now.. shouldn't be a problem tonight!


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2012 5:03 am 
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Hey tdouglas, welcome to the forum.

When I was tapering and then after I stopped taking Suboxone, I used my comfort meds (mainly clonidine) when my w/d symptoms were starting to interfere with my ability to take care of my life. Like if I couldn't sleep and I had to work the next day, I would take something to help me sleep. I didn't use the clonidine a lot during the day because it knocked me on my ass. I would also try to allieviate w/d symptoms via other methods (non-medication) like exercise and meditation before I took anything because I felt like my nervous system was really raw and overstimulated and I didn't want to mess with it any more than I really had to. You are not going to feel like exercising, but it probably the most helpful thing you can do for yourself during this process.

Expect to be overly emotional while you're tapering and withdrawing as well. You might be quick to anger and cry easily; seems like pretty much everyone goes through that. You might also feel really alive and full of joy at times. Eventually that will even out. Deep breathing helps with that; music can also help. Try to keep a positive attitude and not dwell on negative things during your taper - there will be time to think about that stuff later when you're in a more stable frame of mind. Do stuff that makes you laugh, read things that inspire you and just take it day by day.

I understand the desire to just be done and off Sub, but I generally advise against going too fast. If you have enough medication, doing a slower taper gives your brain time to adjust between decreases and can really reduce PAWS. Judging from my own experience and what other members here have reported, the length of withdrawal from Sub is usually about the same but can by WAY less severe if you taper down to a very low (microgram) dose. Read through some of the taper stories and you'll see what I mean.

Good luck with your taper and let me know if I can help.

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You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.

-Jack Kornfield


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