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PostPosted: Thu Oct 25, 2012 9:16 pm 
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Hey guys just an update on how things are going. Things are well im still at the same dose 170mg and it is working great, my pain is around a 2/3 most days now that ive increased my cardio workouts. But i fell alot better about myself image now which is a greart self esteem booster. Went i started the program i was very unhappy with my body and weight. But while i was on suboxone i couldnt workout bc how much pain i was always in. Im 6 feet 4inc tall and i was right around 238. Now im down to 208 and loving life i also feel much more healthy since i stopped eating junk food. I notice i always felt like crap when i was eating bad so its been a nice change. And im hoping now that im stronger in both my knee and shoulder that maybe i can lower my dose soon. Because so many people ive talked to who are long term at the clinic have had to increase there dose after long streches bc it doesnt work as well over time. And that scared me i want to b lowering my dose not going up so im proud of myself progress. Will keep u guys updated and i should have week day take homes any time now.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 25, 2012 11:53 pm 
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This is freaking awesome to hear bboy.

I have been following your thread from the begining. You have come so far and are doing so well.

I guess I understand about you being worried about increasing your dose. I wouldnt stress too bad though. The medication is working and your life and pain are better. Your dose is just a number.....If you do decide to decrease your dose at least you have alot of support if things dont work out. And you could always go back up.

Anyway, its good to hear from you and I just want you to know Im reading your thread. Keep up the good work!

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 26, 2012 3:35 am 
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Orange doll wrote:
This is freaking awesome to hear bboy.

I have been following your thread from the begining. You have come so far and are doing so well.

I guess I understand about you being worried about increasing your dose. I wouldnt stress too bad though. The medication is working and your life and pain are better. Your dose is just a number.....If you do decide to decrease your dose at least you have alot of support if things dont work out. And you could always go back up.

Anyway, its good to hear from you and I just want you to know Im reading your thread. Keep up the good work!


Hey orange doll thanks for all the support over the years and it means a lot to know you've been following this thread for so long. Yea I'm not going to get to caught up with my dose I just want to give it a shot but you are so right if it doesn't work out i could go back up. But I also wonder if I should wait till after I get my week day take homes before I even think making any changes.

B

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 05, 2012 9:05 pm 
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So in one of my classes at school we are talking about different forms of medications capsule tablet and so on. Well I was reading the material come to find out liquid mess absorb better than any other form. At my clinic they dispense the liquid methadone and I got to say the liquid really helps my pain better than the diskets I was given for traveling a while back. Anyways I bring this up because I think a liquid suboxone would reallymake things a lot easier for you guys. One because getting the best absorbtion is always a big subject which this would help. Two measuring smaller doses would be easier. Also it might lower the rates of suboxone reaching the streets. Trying to sell one liquid dose would be a hell of a lot harder than one tablet.

Just a thought figured I'd share my input.

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 10:16 pm 
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Hey guys a update for ya. And for you guys who deal with chronic pain during this time of year due to the cold weather. I know this is a very hard time of year for many. I recall the winters being a absolute horror when I was on suboxone. The only thing that helped was hot baths and heat pads so give that I try. But I happily report that my pain has not gotten any worst than my last update and we've had lots of cold days here in buffalo. so the first time in as long as I can remember I'm looking forward to out door activities this winter, mostly going to cut down a real tree with my mom and gf. Overall things are going good I got a B+ overall so far this term my gf and I are coming up on our one year anniversary and things with my dad r good!

That's all for now thanks for all the support to the mbers who follow my progress since I started this thread.

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 14, 2012 7:04 am 
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Hi Bboy...That is just great to hear how well you are doing!! I've been super busy lately and
haven't been on the forum much. Maybe 2x a week? So I missed your posts! But I'm all caught up
again! Sounds like your life is pretty much riht where you want it right now. It sounds like things
couldn't be better! I'm looking forward to cuttin down a tree this year too!
Last year the little guy was too young, but this year at Christmas, I cannot wait to see his little
face with the tree and lights, and all the decorations! I go ALL OUT!!!!
Like Orange Doll said, don't worry about the dose so much. It IS just a number.
You are so smart when it comes to all of this, you'll know what to do when the time
comes to adjust your dose one way or the other!

Well I was just checking in and seeing how you are! If I don't talk to you beforehand, have
a happy Thanksgiving!!! Take Care~

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 Post subject: long term methadone
PostPosted: Thu Nov 15, 2012 3:32 am 
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Hey there! Listen, I've read your posts since the beginning, and its been both interesting and informative to watch (well, read) your evolution over time. What makes it more interesting to me, has been seeing the absolute sense of enthusiam you had when you started 'done and which (perhaps to a lesser degree) you seem to still have. The reason I find that interesting is that it really takes me back....I will always remember those first days, weeks, and even months that I was just absolutely thrilled with the success of methadone. Like you, I was positively giddy! I had found the miracle of all miracles. It dramatically ended my chronic back pain, didn't leave me stoned out of my mind nor feeling like I needed more opiates to feed my addiction. In short, everything seemed perfect!!! THose feelings, for me, actually lasted about 2.5- 3 years, so a little more than you've been on 'done so far. But then I was VERY SLOWLY starting to face up to some facts I didn't like. For one, I would occassionally skip a take home dose so I could double up some other day and get a buzz...in other words I was still "abusing", albeit to a 99% lesser degree than before. ANd of course there were minor side effects (all drugs have some). Constant constipation, lowered sex drive and ability, some drowsiness and sleep pattern interuptions, etc. But by far the one thing (FOR ME) that I started noticing and not liking was that it just seemed to lower my general motivation. SImply put, I seemed to get a bit lazy. I found myself just sitting and watching tv more and more (remember, I'm talking about 2.5-3 years after I started methadone. Before that I had seen myself become MORE ACTIVE- much as you said you have been). At the 2.5-3 year mark all of these "bad things" were NO WHERE NEAR bad enough to offset all the POSTIVE things methadone had done and was doing for me. (pain management, removed opiate cravings, increased activity/social interactions, in short-just made me "NORMAL" for first time in many years. However, as the months and years went on, the negative aspects of methadone seemed to increase and the positives seemed to decrease. Most noticibly, I found my general motivation/productivity continuing to decline. Other side effects also seemed to get a little worse (sex drive decrease, temptations to monkey around with my take-homes in order to get high every few days and be in mild w/d the other days, and so on. Right about now you are thinking "oh boy, here we go, another anti-methadone person who is going to tell me how methadone is the devil and a big lie and how bupe is the only way and so on. NOT TRUE....In fact, I've been on methadone for 13 years in February, so obviously the "negatives" STILL haven't gotten bad enough to force me to take action. However, I will admit that the whole reason I found and joined this site a couple years or so ago was I was considering trying bupe.....a few years later, I'm still considering it. SO obviously I'm not extremely motivated to get off 'done and I CERTAINLY still acknowledge that it saved my life and makes my life 1000 times better than it would be without it. I can absolutely accept all the other side effects I've mentioned, with the posible exception of the decreased motivation/productivity. I still find myself, in general, to just lack motivation/drive/productivity more and more each month. As for the purpose of this post, it is 2 fold. One, I'm curious if, at the stage/length of time you've been on methadone to this point, have you experienced any of the decreased motivation/productivity that I'm talking about? Two, I did just want to offer you a little "warning" (perhaps "notice" would be a better word since my purpose here is not to "warn" you of some impending doom that I feel certain will MAKE you want off methadone. I just wanted to mention that I've had this growing problem with it and that in spite of the incredible simularities in our first 2-3 years experience with "done, mine turned out a little disappointing in the end and I just wonder if you think yours is headed that way or are as thrilled as ever with no negative issues what so ever? Just curious. Meanwhile, I sincerely do wish you all the best and deeply hope your positive experiences continue. AS I said, I am NOT here to preach to you about the evils of methadone or why you just HAVE to stop it or move to Bupe. I haven't after 13 years. But I do have some complaints and the declining motivation/drive/productivity one is getting more significant every month. SO I wondered if you or anyone else has had similar experiences after the first 2-3 years? If not, all the best and I hope your success continues forever. BUt I'd sure enjoy hearing from you or others with similar experiences as mine and what, if anything, they did about them.
BTW, I'm a 42 yr old male and have been on 130 mg for last 5 years.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 28, 2012 4:35 pm 
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Goinstrong wrote:
Hi Bboy...That is just great to hear how well you are doing!! I've been super busy lately and
haven't been on the forum much. Maybe 2x a week? So I missed your posts! But I'm all caught up
again! Sounds like your life is pretty much riht where you want it right now. It sounds like things
couldn't be better! I'm looking forward to cuttin down a tree this year too!
Last year the little guy was too young, but this year at Christmas, I cannot wait to see his little
face with the tree and lights, and all the decorations! I go ALL OUT!!!!
Like Orange Doll said, don't worry about the dose so much. It IS just a number.
You are so smart when it comes to all of this, you'll know what to do when the time
comes to adjust your dose one way or the other!

Well I was just checking in and seeing how you are! If I don't talk to you beforehand, have
a happy Thanksgiving!!! Take Care~


Ive really been slacking on the forum of late cityman ill def reply to your post asap when im not on my phone lost post are a bitch to type up.

Thank you so much kelly for checking in you truly are one of the most kind hearted people on here. I bet your going to have a blast this Xmas with your lil guy i cant wait till the day i get to experience that feeling of sharing xmas for the first time once he or she could understand it. But hope all is well ill shoot you a pm to see how your doing when i get a chance.

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 Post subject: Re: long term methadone
PostPosted: Fri Dec 21, 2012 4:21 am 
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thecityman wrote:
Hey there! Listen, I've read your posts since the beginning, and its been both interesting and informative to watch (well, read) your evolution over time. What makes it more interesting to me, has been seeing the absolute sense of enthusiam you had when you started 'done and which (perhaps to a lesser degree) you seem to still have. The reason I find that interesting is that it really takes me back....I will always remember those first days, weeks, and even months that I was just absolutely thrilled with the success of methadone. Like you, I was positively giddy! I had found the miracle of all miracles. It dramatically ended my chronic back pain, didn't leave me stoned out of my mind nor feeling like I needed more opiates to feed my addiction. In short, everything seemed perfect!!! THose feelings, for me, actually lasted about 2.5- 3 years, so a little more than you've been on 'done so far. But then I was VERY SLOWLY starting to face up to some facts I didn't like. For one, I would occassionally skip a take home dose so I could double up some other day and get a buzz...in other words I was still "abusing", albeit to a 99% lesser degree than before. ANd of course there were minor side effects (all drugs have some). Constant constipation, lowered sex drive and ability, some drowsiness and sleep pattern interuptions, etc. But by far the one thing (FOR ME) that I started noticing and not liking was that it just seemed to lower my general motivation. SImply put, I seemed to get a bit lazy. I found myself just sitting and watching tv more and more (remember, I'm talking about 2.5-3 years after I started methadone. Before that I had seen myself become MORE ACTIVE- much as you said you have been). At the 2.5-3 year mark all of these "bad things" were NO WHERE NEAR bad enough to offset all the POSTIVE things methadone had done and was doing for me. (pain management, removed opiate cravings, increased activity/social interactions, in short-just made me "NORMAL" for first time in many years. However, as the months and years went on, the negative aspects of methadone seemed to increase and the positives seemed to decrease. Most noticibly, I found my general motivation/productivity continuing to decline. Other side effects also seemed to get a little worse (sex drive decrease, temptations to monkey around with my take-homes in order to get high every few days and be in mild w/d the other days, and so on. Right about now you are thinking "oh boy, here we go, another anti-methadone person who is going to tell me how methadone is the devil and a big lie and how bupe is the only way and so on. NOT TRUE....In fact, I've been on methadone for 13 years in February, so obviously the "negatives" STILL haven't gotten bad enough to force me to take action. However, I will admit that the whole reason I found and joined this site a couple years or so ago was I was considering trying bupe.....a few years later, I'm still considering it. SO obviously I'm not extremely motivated to get off 'done and I CERTAINLY still acknowledge that it saved my life and makes my life 1000 times better than it would be without it. I can absolutely accept all the other side effects I've mentioned, with the posible exception of the decreased motivation/productivity. I still find myself, in general, to just lack motivation/drive/productivity more and more each month. As for the purpose of this post, it is 2 fold. One, I'm curious if, at the stage/length of time you've been on methadone to this point, have you experienced any of the decreased motivation/productivity that I'm talking about? Two, I did just want to offer you a little "warning" (perhaps "notice" would be a better word since my purpose here is not to "warn" you of some impending doom that I feel certain will MAKE you want off methadone. I just wanted to mention that I've had this growing problem with it and that in spite of the incredible simularities in our first 2-3 years experience with "done, mine turned out a little disappointing in the end and I just wonder if you think yours is headed that way or are as thrilled as ever with no negative issues what so ever? Just curious. Meanwhile, I sincerely do wish you all the best and deeply hope your positive experiences continue. AS I said, I am NOT here to preach to you about the evils of methadone or why you just HAVE to stop it or move to Bupe. I haven't after 13 years. But I do have some complaints and the declining motivation/drive/productivity one is getting more significant every month. SO I wondered if you or anyone else has had similar experiences after the first 2-3 years? If not, all the best and I hope your success continues forever. BUt I'd sure enjoy hearing from you or others with similar experiences as mine and what, if anything, they did about them.
BTW, I'm a 42 yr old male and have been on 130 mg for last 5 years.


Well I was on suboxone for a while and one of the most negative side effects was the ones you are actually dealing with. I had no emotions whatsoever I basically became a troll all I did was sit in my house. And those are just a tiny pinch of the terrible side effects suboxone did to my life. So to answere your question no I have not had to deal with any of those side effects since starting methadone actually the complete opposite. I'm in a serious relationship back in school and very active in many other things. But I truly do want to take the time to thank you for taking the time for sharing your experience with me.

On another note I just want to share with everyone things are going great. Happy holidays everyone.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2012 8:20 pm 
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Hey there Bboy,,,,

I just wanted to "stop by" and say.....

[marq=right]~~~~~MERRY CHRISTMAS BRO~~~~~[/marq]

and I hope the new year brings MORE hapiness and goodness than any of the previous for you 8)

I'm happy to see you still keeping this switch thread going. it's a great place for those "on the fence" about methadone/suboxone and shows yet another side, of both,
EXACTLY what we need, if you ask ME.......

Just becuz one medication doesn't work for someone, doesn't mean there isn't something that CAN WORK WELL
I know you feel the same way I do, in that us opiate addicts, have a HARD ROAD ahead, in getting outta active addiction, and however you do it, IS GREAT........

have a wonderful holiday man :wink:

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 25, 2012 12:34 am 
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Hey Bboy I also wanted to stop by and say Merry Christmas! I like following your thread because you have made such awesome progres since you started methadone.

It was also nice to read thecitymans experience. He told his story well and asked an interesting question. Does methadone/bupe cause problems with motivation?

I have ben on sub for about 2.5 years on different doses. Since my recent may relapse my doctor is really pressuring me to take 8mg daily. I was down to 4mg and felt great for a while until shit went bad and I relapsed in may. I did have periods of low motivation on sub but I never blame the sub. Instead I force myself to do something and make comitments to do things. I get busy and stop worrying about how I feel. The motivation comes back and I notice I am happy.

Just my two cents and I hope everyone has a great holiday!


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 27, 2012 4:14 pm 
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I know im a day or two late but happy holidays to you to orange and amber!

You are both a big reason i keep this thread going! You have followed it from the beginning which is hard to do with my twisted spelling/grammar lol. But no really you have both given me great support when needed and have always been kind in doing so even when i talk bad about suboxone unlike a few members even a ex mod to say the least, and for that I'm very great full. Orange i wish i had a positive attitude like you when it comes to the low motivation side effect. but you are so right no matter how bad things get you got to force yourself to do things otherwise those side effects will beat you. Being optimistic is key in beating any addiction.

Oh i go my official date for getting week day take homes February 2nd give or take a few days. So ill keep you all updated.

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 12:59 am 
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Bboy42287 wrote:

Oh i go my official date for getting week day take homes February 2nd give or take a few days. So ill keep you all updated.





~~~~~WHOA~~~~~


OFFICIAL::::::AKA::::: """ROCK STAR STATUS""


That's so awesome, Bboy..... You've worked REALLY hard to get where you're at. I know it hasn't always been easy,,,
you and I both, well orange doll too, LOL,,, we all try and have a positive attitude most of the time, but I know, for ME,
sometimes I still crave,
and I still have hard days, rough days, whatever.....

All I'm saying is GREAT JOB DUDE!!!!!

I know, it's not "official" yet, but even getting to this POINT where it's a possibility, is HUGE,, HUGE!!!

gold star award, for you today!!!!!

yea, I'm a lil corny,,,,
but you know you like it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 29, 2012 2:27 am 
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Week day take homes, huh? Pretty awesome!!! What a way to celebrate Groundhog Day!! lol

I'm sure that you've been an outstanding example for folks who want to switch from sub to methadone! We need all kinds of stories around here so that anyone who visits can find the right kind of support.

I appreciate the way you've kept this thread going too.

Happy New Year soon!

Amy

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 5:59 pm 
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Thanks you too and im a bit korny myself lol.

Yes it has taking alot of hard work but all your guys support has been a big help. And i cant thank you all enough. Hey amber i have cravings two and i wont lie sometimes i want to take a lil extra of one of my take homes but than i realize two hours of being high is not worth losing two years of being clean. And sure im only taking extra methadone if i broke into the craving but it mine as well be my DOC because in my eyes that is a relapse. And i thank god everyday that i have never had a relapse thank god.My point is your not alone we all have cravings from time to time.

Thanks
B

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:34 pm 
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Hey Bboy I was really interested to read your posts. I really appreciate you taking the time to record your experience. I've been struggling alot lately. I haven't used but I've been close several times and I'm likely going to switch over to methadone tommorow. My appointment is scheduled for 5am and they said it would likely be a 3-4hour long process. I'm really scared not so much of making the transition but more than anything else because I don't know how to talk to my wife about what's going on. She's a "normy" and she has alot of negative stereotypes associated with methadone, as I think most people do. She's always been very supportive about me taking Suboxone but to her methadone is a totally different animal.

Some quick backround on me: I've been on 8mg of Suboxone daily for the last 6 years. I started on it 4 months after getting out of an inpatient treatment facility. I tried Vivitrol injections (naltrexone) for those 4 months and I didn't use. I thought about using pretty much all day every day. I went to usually 2-3 NA meetings a day and it was rough. I had alot of issues with PAWS. More than anything else I was really depressed and couldn't force myself to be around people for anything. Anyway I finally broke down and told my Dr. and we decided I'd start Suboxone. Things went well for the first few years overall but I still struggled with depression and social anxiety but I was able to function. Gradually over time I started taking more Suboxone than prescribed and so I started running out of my prescription a few days early. The really messed up part is that taking more didn't change how I felt physically. It really was a psychological thing. I realized pretty early on that I would be better off having someone dispense 1 days worth each day but I couldn't imagine having to go to a pharmacy or clinic everyday. I really started to think about switching to methadone just to have someone else control the medication but I kept putting it off because I wanted a relatively normal life. I was really enjoying being able to have some personal freedom again after dealing with years of addiction. I also had a couple times where I had some major acute pain issues while taking Suboxone and my Dr. didn't feel comfortable prescribing the amounts or type of medications to help so I was really close to "using" again and buying some oxy on my own. I remember the worst time was when I had to have oral surgery to have a tooth pulled and all I could do was take tylenol and ibuprofen. I spent that night rocking myself in the fetal position and trying to keep myself from moaning/screaming loud enough to wake my neighbors up. I'm not a stranger to pain either. During part of my "using" career I had to have a spinal fusion done to remedy a degenerative lumbar disc. I was taking about 200mg of oxy a day when I had the surgery done and I wasn't about to tell the surgeon I was abusing opiates and that I had a very high tolerance level. I remember waking up after surgery not only in immense pain but also dealing with detox symptoms. I literally couldn't even stop screaming long enough to ask for help. The surgeon eventually told my parents he couldn't legally give me anymore morphine (which I really don't believe but I realize the I was responsible for causing the problem. I'm tired of living in fear that something will happen and I'll be left to writhe in pain in the ER. I realize that most Dr.s aren't comfortable prescribing pain meds to opiate addicts especially those on Suboxone but I can't believe someone could be that cold and unresponsive to someone in that much pain.

Anywho here I am 6 years later and I've been out of my Suboxone for over 4 days and the withdrawals are getting fairly rough. I've been taking some loperamide (generic immodium) because I don't trust myself with anything more abusable and it does help some but I feel very beaten. I feel like I've let everyone down around me that thought I was doing well not using and staying clean. My parents and wife have been so proud of me that I really don't know how to tell them. I'm sure I will eventually I'm just so tired of secrets and pretending to not be sick at the end of every month. I'm at a loss so that's why I'm going to the appointment at the clinic tommorow morning.

I didn't mean for this to turn into a novel I just needed to vent a bit and know that someone else knows what I'm going through. It's always been amazing how much better talking to another recovering addict can help even online. I'll be sure and keep everyone updated. I really hope you all are doing better than I am now:)

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2013 10:33 pm 
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Hey Matt please feel free to pm me any questions or if you want my email addy to contact me quicker don’t hesitate to ask. I want to let you know that I can relate 100% to what you are going through when I was first looking into methadone treatment and what not. The biggest thing I can relate to is having to pretend every day that everything is going great but on the inside I’m in my own living hell. And that really takes a toll on you over time lying to your loved ones. But if they truly love you than your wife and family will take the time to try and truly understand why you made this switch and understand you did it to better yourself. And they will see the results just in your everyday behavior over time because methadone will allow you to get back to the things you love. As of the transition it is not to difficult the first few days are def not great but they are a hell of a lot better than the last 48 hours before your first dose. And it will take about 2 weeks for you to really start leveling out and once you get to that point you can start focusing on finding your right dose. Don’t let the number get to you either some people are ok at 30mgs others need 200mgs. But be honest with the DR you have to find the right dose for you.

And also I could relate having someone else in charge of your meds. That was why I choose the clinic route over the pain management route and it has been a blessing for me. I go get my dose for the day and that’s that I don’t have more meds to abuse which is what I needed more than anything. And over time you will work your way up to take homes and once you get to that point you will be ready. Because you will work on this with your councelor or group to get ready to have those meds in your possession, and def continue going to groups and what not because things are most likely going to get better for you but don’t let that be a reason why you don’t think you don’t need the extra help anymore. Because the meds are just one small part of a recovery as you know.

And be alert now that for the first few weeks and increases you are going to get high but that doesn’t last very long. Once your body adapts to the meds it will be like any other med you take just becomes part of your every day life. Best of luck to you Matt






Matt2 wrote:
Hey Bboy I was really interested to read your posts. I really appreciate you taking the time to record your experience. I've been struggling alot lately. I haven't used but I've been close several times and I'm likely going to switch over to methadone tommorow. My appointment is scheduled for 5am and they said it would likely be a 3-4hour long process. I'm really scared not so much of making the transition but more than anything else because I don't know how to talk to my wife about what's going on. She's a "normy" and she has alot of negative stereotypes associated with methadone, as I think most people do. She's always been very supportive about me taking Suboxone but to her methadone is a totally different animal.

Some quick backround on me: I've been on 8mg of Suboxone daily for the last 6 years. I started on it 4 months after getting out of an inpatient treatment facility. I tried Vivitrol injections (naltrexone) for those 4 months and I didn't use. I thought about using pretty much all day every day. I went to usually 2-3 NA meetings a day and it was rough. I had alot of issues with PAWS. More than anything else I was really depressed and couldn't force myself to be around people for anything. Anyway I finally broke down and told my Dr. and we decided I'd start Suboxone. Things went well for the first few years overall but I still struggled with depression and social anxiety but I was able to function. Gradually over time I started taking more Suboxone than prescribed and so I started running out of my prescription a few days early. The really messed up part is that taking more didn't change how I felt physically. It really was a psychological thing. I realized pretty early on that I would be better off having someone dispense 1 days worth each day but I couldn't imagine having to go to a pharmacy or clinic everyday. I really started to think about switching to methadone just to have someone else control the medication but I kept putting it off because I wanted a relatively normal life. I was really enjoying being able to have some personal freedom again after dealing with years of addiction. I also had a couple times where I had some major acute pain issues while taking Suboxone and my Dr. didn't feel comfortable prescribing the amounts or type of medications to help so I was really close to "using" again and buying some oxy on my own. I remember the worst time was when I had to have oral surgery to have a tooth pulled and all I could do was take tylenol and ibuprofen. I spent that night rocking myself in the fetal position and trying to keep myself from moaning/screaming loud enough to wake my neighbors up. I'm not a stranger to pain either. During part of my "using" career I had to have a spinal fusion done to remedy a degenerative lumbar disc. I was taking about 200mg of oxy a day when I had the surgery done and I wasn't about to tell the surgeon I was abusing opiates and that I had a very high tolerance level. I remember waking up after surgery not only in immense pain but also dealing with detox symptoms. I literally couldn't even stop screaming long enough to ask for help. The surgeon eventually told my parents he couldn't legally give me anymore morphine (which I really don't believe but I realize the I was responsible for causing the problem. I'm tired of living in fear that something will happen and I'll be left to writhe in pain in the ER. I realize that most Dr.s aren't comfortable prescribing pain meds to opiate addicts especially those on Suboxone but I can't believe someone could be that cold and unresponsive to someone in that much pain.

Anywho here I am 6 years later and I've been out of my Suboxone for over 4 days and the withdrawals are getting fairly rough. I've been taking some loperamide (generic immodium) because I don't trust myself with anything more abusable and it does help some but I feel very beaten. I feel like I've let everyone down around me that thought I was doing well not using and staying clean. My parents and wife have been so proud of me that I really don't know how to tell them. I'm sure I will eventually I'm just so tired of secrets and pretending to not be sick at the end of every month. I'm at a loss so that's why I'm going to the appointment at the clinic tommorow morning.

I didn't mean for this to turn into a novel I just needed to vent a bit and know that someone else knows what I'm going through. It's always been amazing how much better talking to another recovering addict can help even online. I'll be sure and keep everyone updated. I really hope you all are doing better than I am now:)

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2013 4:41 am 
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Thanks so much for the kind words Bboy. It's currently 3am and my appointment is in less than 2 hours. I'm feeling better physically than I thought I would. I'm very ready to hopefully sleep better tonight or the next few days than I have been the last several days. Definately my least favorite part of opiod withdrawal is the sleep problems it causes. I think to some extent though I feel better knowing that hopefully some relief is within the relatively near future hopefully. I'll always remember how much better I felt after starting Suboxone after getting to sleep for a solid 8 hours which was the first time it happened since I stopped using. I was also relieved to see that the clinic I'm going to here in Indy is fairly close to the side of town I live on and it's not in a bad area. I HATE how many negative stereotypes I have about methadone clinics. I'm really hoping that will change.

I did get a chance to sit down and talk to my wife last night too which helped me to feel alot better. I haven't told her that I'm switching to methadone yet but she does know that I'm going to be going to the clinic now everyday instead of my Suboxone doctor once every two months. She was really supportive. She's never complained about us having to pay for my Suboxone in the past even though we're both super broke with crap tons of student loans. It's always made me feel like I'm being selfish especially after seeing how many things she goes without now that she used to enjoy. I think that's the hardest thing for someone who's not a recovering addict to understand how much shame I think the majority of us deal with even after we stop using. I'm so lucky she's put up with me for as long as she has. We dated off and on after we graduated highschool and she was even with me through many of the worst parts of my "using" career until she just couldn't take it any longer. I'll never forget how aweful I felt one time when I was trying to convince her to let me put a couple hundred dollars of oxycontin on her credit card because if I only had part of the script filled for how much money I had on me I'd lose the rest of it. She rightfully didn't let me thank god. I'm going to keep talking to her about how I'm doing though now. I have to admit it feels good being honest with her. There were several times when I would run out of Suboxone at the end of every month and I'd take money we really didn't have to buy a few more off the street to hold me over. I'm hoping that if nothing else me switching will help to alleviate at least some of our financial trouble or at least her having to deal with me using money we don't have.

I'm going to try and hop in the shower before my appointment. I'll be sure and let everyone know how I'm doing when I get home later this morning.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2013 4:23 pm 
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Hey matt i replied in your new thread so i wont write a long post. But again glad to see your induction went well. And i know the relief your talking about its like a trillion pound weight has been lifted off your shoulders once you can start being honest.

PS
Thats to funny us addicts in recovery think so alike in my reply in your thread i said enjoy your first good nights rest after trying to sleep with the withdrawal symptoms.


School starts back up today my friends boy im hppy winter brake is over but im a lil nervous lol! Anyway all is well with everything and im counting down the days i can start getting weekday take homes.

Matt2 wrote:
Thanks so much for the kind words Bboy. It's currently 3am and my appointment is in less than 2 hours. I'm feeling better physically than I thought I would. I'm very ready to hopefully sleep better tonight or the next few days than I have been the last several days. Definately my least favorite part of opiod withdrawal is the sleep problems it causes. I think to some extent though I feel better knowing that hopefully some relief is within the relatively near future hopefully. I'll always remember how much better I felt after starting Suboxone after getting to sleep for a solid 8 hours which was the first time it happened since I stopped using. I was also relieved to see that the clinic I'm going to here in Indy is fairly close to the side of town I live on and it's not in a bad area. I HATE how many negative stereotypes I have about methadone clinics. I'm really hoping that will change.

I did get a chance to sit down and talk to my wife last night too which helped me to feel alot better. I haven't told her that I'm switching to methadone yet but she does know that I'm going to be going to the clinic now everyday instead of my Suboxone doctor once every two months. She was really supportive. She's never complained about us having to pay for my Suboxone in the past even though we're both super broke with crap tons of student loans. It's always made me feel like I'm being selfish especially after seeing how many things she goes without now that she used to enjoy. I think that's the hardest thing for someone who's not a recovering addict to understand how much shame I think the majority of us deal with even after we stop using. I'm so lucky she's put up with me for as long as she has. We dated off and on after we graduated highschool and she was even with me through many of the worst parts of my "using" career until she just couldn't take it any longer. I'll never forget how aweful I felt one time when I was trying to convince her to let me put a couple hundred dollars of oxycontin on her credit card because if I only had part of the script filled for how much money I had on me I'd lose the rest of it. She rightfully didn't let me thank god. I'm going to keep talking to her about how I'm doing though now. I have to admit it feels good being honest with her. There were several times when I would run out of Suboxone at the end of every month and I'd take money we really didn't have to buy a few more off the street to hold me over. I'm hoping that if nothing else me switching will help to alleviate at least some of our financial trouble or at least her having to deal with me using money we don't have.

I'm going to try and hop in the shower before my appointment. I'll be sure and let everyone know how I'm doing when I get home later this morning.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 4:05 pm 
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So i got to write a short essay to give to my councilor so he can give it to the Dr about week day take homes and why i should take the next step in the program. Talk about what im doing for my recovery and how getting these week day take homes is going to help my recovery and so fourth. What would you guys say if you had to write out why you deserve weekday THs.

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