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PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2013 8:12 pm 
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I really knew you all would rally around me. Thank you 3 for the great messages you send. I can relate to every single message. Q & Tiny, You guys are continually sending light my way. Myrecovery, I am grateful to have touched you and now you are returning the gesture. I know there are so many others that are suffering right now that do not have access to the internet, a warm bed or even a place to call home. SO I AM very blessed and thankful I can even take the time off to heal, feel sorry for myself.. bc I am right now. I am being gentle with me, my spirit, because I give this to everyone that comes into my life, so why wouldnt I be gentle with my own soul. I will take the advise of my peers and allow myself to experience higher power and the light within my own heart. I know we all have it. It is our spirit. I will continue to move forward, with the help of my friends, my forum, and thank each day each tear each gesture of kindness bc I know it will lead me out of my hell and into the light where I will then walk among people just like me...and you out there. For we all shall come together and heal one another........ Ok..........that was weird..lol I just let the spirit speak thru me to me. I have never allowed this before. Huh another spiritual step closer to thy god my god I suppose. Thats all ...Man I really need to feed my body. My tummy is screaming and my body just does not want to get up.................Love to all


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2013 8:53 pm 
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Man I really need to feed my body. My tummy is screaming and my body just does not want to get up.................

Sounds like that new disease....smashius assius! :lol:

~~sigh~~ I was gonna ask you about your friend Allen, it just goes to show that there are many warm, caring, loving people in this world who fall victim to addiction. I have many regrets as well, my two sons are now 31 and 32...heck, I'm 52 (OUCH!) I sure wish there was a "do over" button for that part of my life. You have many many great long years ahead of you. I am not computer savvy enough to provide the link but the day I went to consult with doctors about detoxing, Rob Thomas "Little Wonders" played. I still cry like a baby when I here it. But here's a quote from it...


let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don’t you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain


all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

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I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 1:14 pm 
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My~ you are wonderful as are all that are sending me wonderful prayers, love, blessings and healing vibes. IT IS WORKING!!!!!
Ahhhh, I went to my very first meeting yesterday. It was an AA/NA meeting I think. Something about big book? Idk, there were a lot of alcoholics and many addicts too. I was feeling like HELL but I dragged myself out of the house, no make up no brushing my hair, I did manage to brush my teeth... I have not yet missed a day doing that...Lol that would be..... just, gross. ANYWHOO, The meeting was good. I listened to some great testamonials, met the guy who invited me to the meeting from ITR. I felt lucky I was able to make it to, thru and back home safely from the meeting..I mean for god sakes I was only at 3 days off H at this point. I got home and drank some of my friends sleepy morphine addict tea, took a xanax (first time in 2 days) 2mg of sub (for a grand total of 6mg for the day) Prayed until I feel asleep. I slept like a baby till 6:30 this AM and I woke up feeling so much better than I have in days. I KNOW I am going to get better and better day after day. I took only 2mg this am and I will likely not take any more till this eve if I feel I need it and I will only do 1mg. Then I will use less and less till I am OFF. I realise I will be wide open to relapse, but the hell I have suffered, even though hard suffering lasted just 3 days, it is still so fresh in my mind and this is what I have wanted and worked SO FRIGGEN hard with the tapering and the planning and all the appointments, rescearch, I am NOT gonna turn back now. I have a trip to Thailand in Sept. I have a lot of money I need to make up since I took over a week off work now. I GOT to push myself to walk today. I need to do laundry... I am gonna allow myself to take it easy too. I deserve it after what I put myself thru...AND... I will find another meeting BC quite honestly, I feel it helped me, maybe this is the reason for the relapse, I have no real Idea why the relapse happened, but I know I am about to find out. I must do something differently this time, that I have not done in the past. Or I will get the same results...and that I do not want.
So I want to thank you all again for seeing me thru this awful time in my life... Thank you with all of my being....K


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 9:58 pm 
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Hey, you hit a meeting!!! Great job!!! The first one is always the scariest, you just don't know what to expect.

As for the suffering you've been through keeping you clean, yes it will, but only up to a point. At some time, you're gonna need to put some recovery principles into place and you should learn all about those at the meetings you're hitting.

Keep moving forward and keep doing the next right thing!! I'm way proud of ya!! :wink:

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 1:55 pm 
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Please don't ever think you are as alone as you were in the deep Oregon woods. Even though I wouldn't know you if we passed on the street, I care about you. Many people here care about you. I'm so glad that you're starting to feel better from knowing that you are surrounded by people who understand the feeling of despair. Despite the despair, you are still picking yourself up and working toward recovery. I am so proud of you! You haven't given up and that's hugely important. You didn't want to be on sub, but at least you are not on H. Don't judge yourself too harshly!

Amy

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 5:38 pm 
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Amy & Rome, THANK you both. I am on day 5 and counting. I have had some thoughts but I throw them in the garbage in my head! RIGHT AWAY. I have a dream board I made and everytime I think about dope, I look at all the things I want to do this year. I am HAPPY to say that I have been taking less and less suboxone every day. Today 1mg so far. Yesterday 2mg in the AM and 1mg in the PM. I may take half mg tonight, but I am feeling ok. I even did my usual daily routine. Laundry at the laundrymat, return library books, get kitty food, got water, went to the pool and laid out, went to get lunch to go, now off to work for just 1 hour.. I AM NUTZAHOLIC I know...I am driven as a mutha Effeh". That is just me. I was really worried I would have NO energy. I AM low energy, but I am pushing thru, taking my suppliments, and herbal tea.
I want to do a meeting tonight. We will see. I am feeling so much better. The other day, I imagined that little girl in the woods of Oregon.... I pretended something different happened and I imagined that a loving and caring person picked me up off that bed and took me out of that house and took me to a safe warm place to heal. They fed me held me and gave me LOVE. This is not reality but it seemed to help me put it behind me a little bit. It is a process called NLP. I dont have it down to a T, but I know enough about it to put it into play. SO I am gonna try to "remember" my past differently even though I know and went thru the REAL deal. They say "fake it till ya make it" So I will....
I absolutely know that meetings are a MUST AND the very LEAST of the steps I need to take. I want to go. I will go. I WANT to stay CLEAN... I am thinking about changing my cell number. I keep thinking the dealer will call to give me his new # which he changes every 3 months. Soooooo, I do not need nor want any temptation. I DID delete his # from my phone.
ANyway I wanted to update you all. I am thankful I have this forum and all of you to back me..... Blessings and namaste>


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 8:49 pm 
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OMG!!!! Im sneezing YAAAAAYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 09, 2013 11:24 am 
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Yodelaewho! :lol:

Hey Sweet, I've been away working, slaving, tied to a whipping post.... :lol: Not really, I do work 12 hour shifts but the awesome part is I work on Pediatrics. We do get extremely hectic but there is nothing like having a very sick 2 year old who begins feeling better and wants to draw me a picture! That's good stuff there!

Anywho, just wanted to check in with you I'm thinking this is like Day 8? You sound like you are pushing yourself to get up and going and that is great! You are rockin this chickie! :wink: Just...keep...swimming!

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I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.


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 Post subject: Ugh! I took 1mg today...
PostPosted: Tue Apr 09, 2013 11:43 am 
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Oh mycovery, you have a great job. I always wanted to be a nurse... I almost went to school in 2007, but moved to the beach the DAY I was to start school to get my LVN... I have no regrets, bc I love the beach and I have a business, but I still would love to bea nurse..In my next life... Lol
Well today is officially 1 week off heroin. I woke up today after being on just 1/2mg. sub. these past 3 days. I am physically drained. I Did not get a good night sleep. My Mom is coming for dinner tonight before leaving back to alaska. This is the FIRST day back to my normal routine of getting up early, getting my son to school and trying to put on my happy face. Oddly enough I think I can feel the 1mg...IDK if it is a buzz I feel, or just that I am tired, or the residual withdrawl from heroin. I mean I was on H for a year and it has ONLY been 1 week with very little suboxone. ANyway, I kinda feel bad for taking the suboxone today. I really really want to NOT take ANYTHING. I will move past this, go to a meeting, use the energy I have for something positive...
Ohhhh, MAN.. I really am THANKFUL for all that I have...
Hope everyone has a beautiful day...


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 09, 2013 12:12 pm 
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Hey sweet!

You are so awesome! I am so happy that you have made it so far! Don't beat yourself up about taking that 1/2 mg. extra. How many other people do you know that have one week of H and are only taking 1mg of subs? Not many I would guess...

I hope your night with your mom isn't too hectic. I know how hard family can be. My Mom was pissed at me for not coming over this weekend, called and griped me out Sunday night. Then she calls me this morning and wants to know why I haven't called her. "are you avoiding me????" I'm thinking, crap woman...it's only been one day and last time we talked you were mad at me. No doubt mothers can be a chore...But I don't know what I would do without her either. We are really close and usually best friends.

Love ya sista!


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