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PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2012 3:57 pm 
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God my nightmare has come true.

My supplier went to jail and I have no numbers for other people because I erased all of them when I got on subs and begged my ex for some numbers in case he went to jail and he never gave 'em to me.

I know it's probably for the better. I wanted to quit during Thanksgiving break anyways (no work).

So I've got 1 strip, a half of a strip, a subutex, and a third of a subutex (and those things are dang hard to cut up into .25 mg pieces! You got to measure dust and half of it is wasted when I try to store the dust)

So I'm freaking out right now and tried ravaging Facebook for old friends but I thought God look how desperate I am, I am NOT contacting people on freaking Facebook! I deleted those number on purpose, and I'm sticking to that reason.

I'm just trying to not get all worked up because I'm scared something crazy will happen if I run out.

So yep the time has come, I HAVE to quit, there is no way out this time. It doesn't help that I have worked may way back up to 1 mg/ day.

I will post some updates here. I am sure I will have all kinds of cravings that I will need to vent about to you guys LOL

So ANY and ALL suggestions to stick to my taper schedule will be great. I am absolutely terrible at talking to myself and hate admitting that I am bad at self-control. So please, all your taperers, if you've got ANY ideas to even just relax and calm down and not feel like I need a dose, please do share :)


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 Post subject: Don't stress over it...
PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2012 7:47 pm 
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Honestly, I think you may be able to stop with what you have left without too much difficulty. Your mind is going to f*** with you worrying and what not...I know mine did. And it's not easy to put those thoughts to rest, but you can...I've stressed myself out a lot thinking I couldn't taper with what I had left or in the time I needed. The sooner you start dropping your dose the better, I think you'll get piece of mind in a couple weeks when you realize you can taper pretty fast and not have too much trouble...

Being off by tgiving may be a little hard but is possible...I'd bet you could drag that dose along to xmas break if you needed to. I'd suggest liquid taper.... .8mg this week. maybe down to .6mg next week. .5mg for a few days.. .4mg and lower until you're out or ready to stop. Shouldn't be too bad. I know for sure I could have been tapering much faster than I have been without missing work or too much sleep.

Again, when you start to worry about it keep your thoughts positive...There have been so many times that I've "thought" I needed a dose when I really didn't need to take one. THose thoughts for me came in waves and will usually go away...


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 03, 2012 12:16 am 
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Thanks, it is your story that has actually made my worrying go down. I said earlier that I wanted to be done Nov. 22 just like you, and so I made a taper plan and yes you are right, what I have left right now will be plenty. This is actually a good way to get me to stick to my "quit date" because otherwise I may have just taken that suboxone for a lot longer.

A lot of the freaking out was me scared about my friend. He has helped me throughout my several jumps and now I have 0 people to talk to (away from the computer) about this. But... I looked up the jail records on the internet and sure enough I found what jail he is at and looked at the charges, and it looks like he got caught either buying drugs or doing drugs in the car and he had drug paraphernalia. So, that means he was probably trying to cop dope and had a needle on him because that's the only reason he would have drug paraphernalia and possession b/c if it was subs that wouldn't make sense because he has a script. Plus I could tell in the pic that he was real high. He finally started on subs just a month ago too and said he was going to quit before me but some time last week I know he slipped up once and well, it looks like that slip-up was not just a once-time. And we used to go around doing all of those things every day that he got caught doing. That could have been me. I really can't believe that we didn't get caught before and I am really really glad that I started subs when I did and this has kind of put everything in perspective for me and I think that it kind of knocked me in the head and made me wake up and look at this whole mess I am in and realize that Yes I need to stop NOW.

And seriously.. I think that I am freaking out? He was doing 12 mg of subs every single day until he switched to dope again last week so you know that he was doing a ton of dope and I know that this particular jail does not give inmates comfort meds like how some jails do, and they don't let them have their own jail cell that is padded like how other jails do -- he has to be out with everyone else in the noisy area. So really... I should be thankful that I have never had to withdraw while in jail like how he is right now.


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 03, 2012 1:13 am 
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Have you ever considered finding asub Dr and get your meds the legal way.

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Yes these drugs saved our life's. But does that mean we have to give the rest of our life to these drugs?


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 03, 2012 2:43 am 
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Hey invis,

When I think about it, i was kind of where you are now like 3 years ago. I was getting my sub illegally and wanted to stop but having a real tough time. It got kind of intense depending on a illegal supply so I said fuck it and made an appointment with a sub doc. I was so nervous but I went in & I told him the truth about where I was at what was going on with me drug wise and sub wise and once it was over it was like a ONE MILLION pound weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

Take that for whatever it's worth, up to you. But I'd rather see you go on sub than relapse on H or worse (od)

-glen


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 03, 2012 2:48 am 
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Forgot to add. Going on "for real" and getting on a steady dose I could forget about really let me work on myself for as long as I needed -few years FoR ME- and then I have been able to taper down over almost a year with no pain. I been chilling at .25mg for a while now and I'm OK with that for now but once I am ready I will go the rest of the way on my terms which rulez.


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 03, 2012 6:49 pm 
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Yes I have thought a lot about going to a doctor. I have been on subs for slightly more than a year now and I want to try quitting before going to a doctor. I'm not really sure if a doctor would accept me even -- they may think, "How can you have a drug problem doing 1 mg of suboxone or less every day? That is what my patients jump from." Or maybe they won't, I don't know. I don't have the money so I'm going to try jumping myself first. I guess I just freaked out too much... I realize the time to quit is now. I felt claustrophobic since the only person I have to talk about this stuff to is locked away and well, as a female -- I need to talk about it lol

I don't believe there is a chance of relapse to things other than subs. That is why I deleted all my numbers. I mean yeah I could go visit people but would rather not, as I don't want to look like the scraggly people that used to show up on my doorstep. Not that I blame them -- it did cross my mind, and we all know how bad the urge gets. And my friend... well, I have a feeling he's going to be locked up for a long time. But yes I have wanted to go to a doctor very badly over the past year, just to stop worrying, "Am I doing this right? What should my dose be? I want to consult a professional".


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2012 1:48 pm 
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hey there,,,,,,,,

Hope your hanging in there,,,,,,,,,

Listen,, I can TOTALLY see where your coming from,,,,,, and I dont know where you live,,, in a big city or small one,
whatever the case may be.....
I do know just by what Ive read that you are a GOOD person, and you deserve to be healthy, and happy and
whatever "drug free" YOU want to be. I just mean, that I consider myself, drugfree/sober whatever ON suboxone,
and I believe that is different for EVERY one of us.....
It does NOT matter to me, HOW you get your suboxone,,,,, if your using it to TRY and get better, I think that's all that
matters...... Its NOT fair that doctors charge HUNDREDS of dollars to BEGIN with........

what I wanted to say,,
is PROMISE ME you'll keep an open mind, ok???
I mean,,, you KNOW, its not going to be easy, And I KNOW you CAN handle it,,, I believe you can do ANYTHING
you set your mind to!!!!! I whole-heartedly believe you CAN get thru this,,,,,,
BUT,,,,
if things get to be "too much"
if your starting to feel yourself go into a NOT so great place,,,, like POSSIBLY going back to pain pills, or
anything ELSE, for that matter!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PLEASE,
keep an open mind about getting to a doctor.......
I wouldnt even SAY you were taking ONEmg a day,,,,, say you were taking 8mg, and just go twice, ESPECIALLY if you have
to pay hundreds to see the doctor..................
THAT WAY, you have a WHOLE BUNCH ,,, of suboxone.

we addicts, MOST of us, are hard-headed, and STUBBORN,,,, that's how we've gotten as far as we HAVE!!
i think the "norms" of the world, (normal folks) wouldn't last a day, in the shoes of a
FLAT - BROKE, drug Addict,,, doing what they HAVE to do ,, to NOT get sick.....................

but I digress,,,,,,,,,,
ALSO,,,, where I live, it's a VERY rural area,,, small comunity whatever you want to say, but there is
a clinic here, that goes off WHAT you CAN pay,,,,,,,
i fill out financial papers for them, every 90days, and YES< its a pain in the ass.
but's its also VERY MUCH worth it...............
they factor in, how much insurance would cost for someone like me,
and what I actualy GO to the doctor for......... you know, to sit in the office a few minutes, get my "arm check"
and my new perscriptions, and leave.
Lately I pay $35 per appointment,,,, and $50 for bloodwork, $25 for U/A's.
I can make payments too, they WILL STILL SEE ME, if I show up to an appointment, with NO MONEY
my FIRST suboxone appointment,,,,
I had $15 to MY NAME............
and they still saw me!!!!
So, there MAY BE a place like that, around you...........never know til you TRY
Even if its NOT advertised as a "sliding scale' place or anything, LOOK INTO IT.
I'd look up some doctors in your area, and if ANY are part of a "clinic"
look up that clinic name, ALOT of places like that,
DO have financial asssitance programs of SOME KIND,,,,
in SOME shape or form, cuz they get to "write off" any money used towards that.

In closing, I'd like to say, I KNOW that you CAN do this,,,,,
I just hate to see anyone struggle, and worse yet, RELAPSE.
I know you said your drug of choice is furthest from your mind right now (or something like that)
BUT, your addiction is a POWERFUL thing,,, and you dont know when it's gonna REAR its UGLY head!!!
LOL
so, Im only asking for you to keep an open mind,,, and don't just automaticaly count "out" going
to a doctor.................PLEASE!!! :wink: :wink: :wink:

AND, don't forget to vent ANYTIME you feel the need,,,,, cuz your RIGHT, we DO need to talk about things!!!
that's ONE THING, I have had a struggle with.....its still hard for me,
but PROGRESS,,,
NOT perfection, RIGHT?????????????

I wish you the BEST of LUCK, and hope whatever you decide, goes WELL for YOU :wink:

_________________
anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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