It is important to realize that our own perceptions well be altered by addiction; the road to true self-awareness requires listening what is said by others who know us, particularly if the also hope for the best for us. With that in mind, please post if you have family members or other close friends with addictions.
Fri Dec 29, 2017 12:36 pm
It’s been a helluva year, all of it leading into what felt like a pretty good Christmas event with my immediate family, and my wife’s nearby parents and siblings. I was off work through the 27th, but ended up taking a fourth day off after receiving some heavy news on Wednesday night.
For those who don’t know, I’m type II bipolar, a condition I inherited from my mother, who is decidedly more severe than myself. A month or two ago, my parents paid a visit and my mom sat me down to yell at me that I was letting my bipolar issues destroy my marriage. There might be some truth to that, though “letting” is a strong word. Anyway, I said all that to say this: Wednesday, December 27th, my mom finally gave up the fight and tried to kill herself.
Around 1PM that afternoon, I received a text from her which read: “Love you !”
I thought nothing of it as she’ll often send texts like that periodically. I responded, but heard nothing back. What I couldn’t have known was that she had sent the same text to my dad and both my two sisters. Apart from a jumbled suicide letter she sent to her psychiatrists office, that was it for goodbyes. In the chain of events, she would have then popped 30 Xanax after drinking two glasses of champagne and then settled into sleep and unconsciousness and that might have been it. Fortunately, my dad deduced something was wrong and called an ambulance. It’s 8:20 on December 29th and I just got a text from my dad saying she is (mostly) awake and alert. The police got involved so she is being 5150’d, a state she’s familiar with from her bipolar type I friend, Katie.
Anyway, this knocked me for a loop. When I was a kid, my mom used to drive around with a shotgun in the trunk of the car with suicidal intent. More than once she drove up to the lake near the town we lived in and almost drove the car in at the boat ramp to drown herself. Since then, she’s done arrogant and irresponsible things with her medication that were borderline but not blatant suicide attempts like this last. Xanax is about as a effective as a BB gun as a suicide instrument, apart from potential liver damage or aspirating and choking on vomit after slipping into unconsciousness. But I’d bet a lot of money that my mom didn’t know that, and legitimately wanted to die this time.
I know she’s in a lot of pain. She won’t say so, but I’m 90% certain my grandfather molested her as a child. But all of that aside, this has left me feeling hurt, angry and rejected. Suicide is something I’ve thought about, even recently, but it’s the kind of place where I circle the parking lot a couple of times but never get out of the car. If anything, this has shown me how close I wasn’t to killing myself.
My tendency here is to self medicate through the pain, which I’m trying to do and have been largely successful. All the same, I have some feelings, and a lack of certain feelings that are hard to deal with. I thought I would share so I could externalize some of this. Thank you all for indulging me.