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PostPosted: Mon Jun 08, 2015 11:44 am 
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Hi everyone. I am a big reader of online forums but haven't contributed to any for a few years. I am excited to be an active participant in this online community!

WHY I AM STOPPING: Deep down I feel ready to be off suboxone. I want it for all the complex and simple reasons related to the freedom of being reliant on something outside of myself. Pride, self-respect, independence, peace of mind.... etc. The desire I feel in my body and mind before each dose, if even ever so small, is something I need to liberate myself from. Slavery sucks. In addition to the factual reality of being off it I am also wanting to be off it for biochemical reasons. I feel like suboxone numbs me. It dampens emotions (both good and bad) and makes life seem less sharp. Being a deeply spiritual person I enjoy lucid dreaming and ever since starting suboxone I have hardly had any interesting nighttime experiences. These nocturnal adventures allow me to dive into spiritual realms which are accessible in the waking world only via drugs.

WHY I AM STOPPING NOW: I made a resolution that by the time I was 30 I would not be living in Wisconsin anymore. Being from Europe I want to return. Not to my home country but Spain. Suboxone is available in western Europe but I do not know how easily it will be to find a prescriber within a proper time frame. Getting off suboxone will also prove to me my determination, willingness, strength, and motivation to make the big move. I am an EU citizen so I can live there permanentely and take advantage of all the services offered to citizens so I will eventually get a support network of psychiatrist/therapist. In a month I will begin my teacher certification course which will take a month to complete. Im doing that here in Wisconsin. Afterwards I will hop on a plane to Spain and get a job teaching English! So I have 2-3 months to get off suboxone before leaving. So I would like to get down to a super low dose this month and then "smooth it out" the next month while I take classes.

SOME HISTORY: My mental health... In my teens I suffered from severe severe severe depression... so low that I couldn't even understand what people were saying to me sometimes. Then when I was 19 I started experimenting w/ psychedelics and weed and fell into a full-blown mania which landed me in a psych ward. I've had a few more manias since then but nothing so amazing and transforming as that one. I discovered Truth, with a capital "T". I wish so bad I could experience that again. Anyways, a year ago I went to this awesome shrink who convinced me to take lithium so that I could get on a stimulant. Well, she got me somehow to be on lithium and it's stabled me out completely. Life has actually been a bit boring but boring, as I'm assured by everyone, is good. The real me is out, my parents love me (I live with them), I help out around the house, I'm able to respect myself and my values and actions are aligned. I have bipolar I, ADD the nonattentive type, and I also have a mild learning disability of an auditory nature.

CURRENTS MEDICATIONS/LIFE STYLE CHOICES: I am on Lithium, Adderal, and Suboxone. I was on ritalin at first, 10mg twice/day, and then it didn't work after a half a year and so for the past few months I've been on adderall 10mg twice/day and it's helped so much and is much better and stronger than ritalin. My room has been clean for 4 months with a few days here and there of messiness. I've been able to study my Spanish and improve it, I can focus so well that I realized that I am actually smart and can access my IQ. It is highly controversial, being an addict on a stimulant I know. So I am very grateful for having a team of doctors who are open minded. I jog 3miles 3-6 times a week, I eat healthy (how could I not living with my health conscious Mom haha), and started again do something called the "5 Tibetan Rites" every day which is a series of yoga movements. I smoke weed 0-3 times a month with friends. I get drug tested monthly and never test positive for weed actually even though I occasionally do smoke it must not be enough and my doc is cool w/ it too. And I basically don't drink. I've had like 4 beers this year so far. Alcohol is just nasty on suboxone and it's never been a drug I really like. I don't do anything else but I do wish I could do a psychedlic, but I am not ready to go there yet. I need to socialize more. For a few months I've stopped hanging out w/ my pot-smoking friends cause I just can't stand their unmotivation and I need to be around cool, motivated people. I went to a few meetups but lately I've been really bad w/ my "social hygeine".

Taper plan so far:
Friday: 4mg
Saturday: nothing
Sunday: 3mg
Monday, today June 8th: 2.5mg

HOW I AM FEELING TODAY: well, I am feeling pretty good now! I was on 4mg for a stable dose, and am since Friday, down to 2.5mg. Yes, in the evenings I've felt a little bit of mild withdrawal and elevated heart rate. However, in the morning I felt pretty good! I did have some insomnia today as I woke up at 5am. I am a dead sleeper, I sleep so well and fall asleep no problem. Last night I had RLS, very little, and who knows maybe none at all... So, so far I feel so lucky to feel so great!

MEDS ON BOARD TO CUSHION THE BLOW: so, I do have gabapentin which I took yesterday cause I was feeling icky so maybe that's why I felt good. I also have hydroxyzine which I took last night too... And then I asked my doc to prescribe me clonidine. I did feel a bit of an elevated heart beat last night and the night before, I felt "wound up", and I wonder if it was related to the withdrawal.

WHAT I PLAN ON ACCOMPLISHING TODAY (THIS MIGHT BE A BIT BORING TO READ IF YOU ARE BORED ALREADY): well, 1.1. today I would like to finish the letter for my dentist because his dental hygenist messed up my lower brace in my jaw by accident. She was so careless and it makes me so so so mad. I've been putting it off and off, as I don't like to send negativity but I need to stand up for myself. They fixed it but still they should know how careless she was. It still kind of bothers me. 2.2. I would also like to clean my room up a bit, it's not messy but a bit untidy. 3.3. I would like to figure out when my next therapy and psychiatrist appt. are as they are coming up. 4.4. I would like to read some Spanish for 30minutes 5.5. I would like to do a Spanish grammar/vocab review for 30 minutes 6.6. Organize my jewelry box 7.7. Sign up for the teaching class 8.8. Do 5tibetan rites/maybe run?(not sure yet as I already ran yesterday) 9.9. weigh myself 10.10 Do some more research on teaching English in Spain 11.11 spend some time training my dog


Ok, well thanks everyone if you made it this far or read bits and pieces. I really enjoy reading other people's comments and posts here. This place has been very helpful in the past for me so I thought why not start my own "diary" for my taper. I really hate withdrawal, haha. This will be my 3rd major withdrawal so far. I think it will be my easiest though since I have so much support from my wonderful medical team and am doing an actual taper AND lets not forget that I am a much much stronger person today thanks to Suboxone having given me the phenomenal chance to stay away from opiates for a long enough time to develop healthy habits!

Love to all!!!!!!!


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 08, 2015 2:08 pm 
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Welcome to the forum and I hope you find the motivation and help that works for you!

Amy

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2015 5:47 am 
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It's 4:40am. I can't sleep. Heart is thumping and I am restless. In a few hrs I will take my next dose. Appointment this am with therapist will help organize my goals and thoughts. I will get through this. Symptoms aren't so bad, it's been very mental and that's probably cause I am jobless but am trying my best to stay busy. I'll get through this.

Am not going to be on this forev.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2015 9:17 am 
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dhalia, we have something in common. This is my 3rd attempt also at trying to taper off Suboxone. Best wishes to you for success!

I, too, seem to be having problems at night...I'll have a good night and then a very restless night. It's good to know that others understand, isn't it?

I agree with you that tapering is very mental. It's a big hurdle to cross and couple it with the physical symptoms...it's no wonder that folks have such a trying time attempting to get off Sub.

I'm a firm believer that we can do anything we set our minds to. Stay strong and you will win this time :)
Have a good therapy session today!

Best Wishes,
CA

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 10, 2015 9:22 pm 
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dhalia,

IMO you're tapering too fast and won't feel very good in the near future. Look at CA's taper chart. See how much of a break is in between drops? Going slow wins the race with tapering off Suboxone. I know you're in a hurry but stretch it out as long as possible to avoid bad withdrawals symptoms.

And always know that you can go back on when you're home across the pond. Sometimes it takes a few attempts to achieve success.

Good luck with your journey and thanks for posting,

rule

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 10, 2015 11:34 pm 
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Dhalia31,
Hi and welcome to the forum!
I just wanted to add, the Uk and Europe has been using Bupenorphine products for years for pain relief. If something should happen and you need it, I am sure you can find it easier over there(UK) than you can here.
Good luck with whatever you do in your life.

You have to work hard in this world,
because you're "not" from the "old" money!


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 13, 2015 10:00 pm 
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ClearAqua: Thanks for your feedback. The thing about it being mental, in addittion to the other issues, is just how suboxone is a daily thing. It's become a habit in itself... the breaking open of the package, putting it on the tongue, and then enjoying some "me" time while not being able to talk to anyone. I know the sleep thing is hard. I am going to try to eat enough before bed so that I don't wake up hungry as I think my hunger might be a big problem.

Rule62: I know I'm tapering fast. I am down to 1.5mg. I started that today. I am surprised at my lack of physical symptoms... I have no chills today. Nada. It may be because of the clonodine and neurontin that I took. But I know that I am withdrawing because in the morning when I take my dose I feel great. Actually, this morning my body was buzzing and it wasn't an opiate buzz but a prozac buzz. I started taking prozac, 20mg, a week ago for safety sake. However, as the day wears on my appetetite disappears and then I start to feel bad.

Happg1961: I'm not sure what you mean by "not from the old money" quote but I totally respect the belief in working hard in a difficult world. That truth becomes more real each year to me... part of growing up.


Thanks guys for all your comments! I can't wait to be free!


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 15, 2015 10:22 am 
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Hi everyone! Just wanted to update that I am still at 1.5mg. It is Monday and I decreased down from 2mg to 1.5mg (a 25% reduction) on Saturday.

HOW I"M FEELING: actually pretty good! minimal anxiety in the evenigings.. I really can't believe how great I am doing. Better than while on 4mg Suboxone because I feel more alive.

WHAT I'M DOING: I am excercising quite a bit. I run 2-3miles a few times a week and do something called "5 Tibetan Rites" which is a series of yoga movements which takes only 10minutes or something but it stimulates your chakras. It's like a supercharge chakra stimulator for Yoga. I am so ungrammatical I am sorry I hope this is making sense.

I am tempted to go down to 1mg tomorrow or very soon... But that would be a 33% reduction. And doing it before 1 week is over would be too soon, no?

Anyone have any pointers on jumping from 1.5mg to the next dose? Should it be 1.25 or 1? I am so excited to think about taking 1mg it makes me sooooo f-ing proud you would not believe. But i don't want to rush it. Also, I am going faster than I would otherwise because I am leaving in a couple (or 3) months for Spain to move there and I do not want to have to deal with PAWS too much. I'd like to get off the suboxone and then deal w/ the majority of the PAWS here.

I think the excercising is really helping build those neurons back up into the nice big, fat, dopamine/opiate/serotonin excreting little power houses they are. NUEROPLASTICITY yes!!! ALL THE WAY!!!!!


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 17, 2015 6:00 pm 
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Hey Guys N Gals. Like I said in above response I was down to 1.5mg Saturday, Sunday and Monday. But Monday my dental issues were causing me such a mix of pain and depression that I succumbed to the devil and took 2mg. I just said, "screw it". I wanted to be well slept for my dental appointment and doctor appt the next morning so I justified it like that. I guess it was kind of true. OK.... maybe totally veracious, for I was well slept and therefore my anxiously awaited trip to the Scary Tooth Doc went OK. Despite having taken a total of 3.5mg for Monday I woke up on Tuesday w/ slight diahrea (sp?) and nausea... Weird! You would think I wouldn't feel like a twirlytop after taking double my dose (from the past two days).

So then, today I took 1.75mg. I actually plan to reduce down to 1mg. I'm going to say, "f it". If I'm going to lay around in my bed like the big lazy fat bum ass I am I might was well work at it right... "work" as in work at my taper and actually go through withdrawal like the champ I am. none of this "one foot in the water before the next" crap.

So tomorrow, by the powers that be...... I will take 1mg!!!! I will do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then I will stabilize at that dose till I feel NO WITHDRAWALS. nada.

If I walk around with no sleep for a few days so be it. I will stabilize back I know it. I'm just so sick of the fear of withdrawal.... I can't drag this out any longer. I'm so done with it. I want to feel my life again.

I fell in love with all types of music 10 years ago, when I was 18, and then, suddenly, out of no where, my love for music just fizzled out. It did just that when I got on suboxone.

OK, if I feel really really bad like where I am having non-stop dhiarrea then I will take .25 and anothert .25 till I stabilize. BUT ONLY if I FEEL REALLY BAD!


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 17, 2015 6:31 pm 
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Guys, I am writing on here again. This will probably be more of a ramble jamble than a loud mamble so please excuse that. I feel so uncomfortable and desperate and completely hopeless even though my life is finally beginning to pick up. I will be moving to SPAIN, in other words, ABROAD, FINALLY, since I got out of college I've wanted to leave this country so bad. The USA's major cities are awesome but the country and suburbia just suck. Not being able to find a job out of college for the past 3 years which pays enough to live "comfortably" alone without working 50 hours has sucked the life out of me.

My teeth are also really bothering me. And the fault is the hygenist's. She makes me so angry. She broke my brace via carelessness. I am so frustrated.

Theme of this little reply post: FRUSTRATION

Though I am going to a SMART meeting this evening. I swear that is the highlite of my day, and taking suboxone. All I ever want to do is eat suboxone, morning, day, and lunch. Sub-ox-one. Don't be that one ox who went sub. I'm' totally sane btw, I am just rambling my world salad cause when I get so frustrated and stressed it naturally comes out of me as stress relief. It's intentional too.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 18, 2015 10:01 am 
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My previous post was a little insane... I was so frustrated at the time but quite sane. Its a bit embarassing but I know you guys are cool and on my side. Well today I am taking 1mg. Ive decided that I will bear out the withdrawals at this dosage till I stabilize and then drop down again. Id rather do bigger jumps and stay longer on them. The other choice is to do a bunch of little jumps. I think this big jumps will be a better plan. I took 1.75mg yesterday, 2mg Tuesday, 3.5mg Monday, 1.5mg Sunday, 1.5 Saturday, and then 2mg Friday through the rest of that week (so last week I was on 1.5mg for 2 days and then 2mg for 5 days).

I just want to feel again. I deserve it! I'm so tired of being a part of the slave world.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 18, 2015 6:11 pm 
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Hey Everyone! So I took 1mg this am and haven't taken anymore suboxone since. I'm actually doing quite well except as the day progresses the creepy-crawlies set in and I had a couple bouts of the runs. The anxiety has settled in, it's 5pm though so I expect it to. Not bad for starting at 1mg today!

I expect tomorrow and the next day to be worse. I think what is really, really helping is my excercise routine in the morning. I jogged today 2.5miles and then I did some yoga moves to stimulate the glands/chakras to release toxins/chemicals from storage.

I listened to a podcast on youtube about how eating lots of veggies will help normalize your hormones, and especially your adrenals. I remember when I was going through SEVERE bezodiazapine withdrawal (major xanax/lorazepam habit) the only thing I could keep down and eat were fresh, "alive", foods like veggies as well as cups and cups of pissed-down green tea. So, I plucked a bunch of kale leaves from the garden and sat down to a plateful of cellery and carrots. I already feel better. If not better for real at least placebo better knowing how well I am taking care of my precious body!

Oh, and one thing. I don't know if anyone cares what I am writing about, I assume people read this but don't respond like I do most of the time, but I wanted to add one more thing. I go to a clinic where most of the staff is AWESOME but one new suboxone doctor from India is not so cool with a super punitive attitude towards drug addicts. I am usually extremely perceptive about people as my family always comes to me to ask how I feel about others and I felt from the beginning this woman's attitude is really bad. I called me clinic to get some Robaxin (methocarbomol) prescribed and she wouldn't do it! Even the nurse said, "I am suprised as to why she wouldn't" prescribe me it. I have already been prescribed it a year ago by the same clinic and I got a refill months later. Instead, she prescribed me 14 pills of Flexeril and a bunch of ibuprofen AND I just got a messsage from the pharmacy saying she called in 40 pills of 300mg gabapentin (which I didn't ask for, and which I told them I am currently taking as I still ahve a bunch left). So I don't even know why she would prescribe me gabapentin. And "14" pills of Flexeril? Why such a short supply???? I dont even want it but I will try it. Maybe it will workd, I tried it years ago once for back and I remember feeling it made me anxious. Ugh. At least for the most part my clinic is AWESOME and I feel like a million dollars whenever I leave, except for the last two times when I met with that awful doctor. "She'll prescribe you a short supply of Flexeril" WTF? Why not just prescribe me Robaxin? ANyways, even the nurse sounded floored. I have asked not to see her, that doc, at my next apponitment. I have no idea why she's even in this industry. Maybe a friend or a relative died from an overdose once. Who knows. What a weirdo...


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