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PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2016 11:49 pm 
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I'm 29 years old and a hardcore addict since 16. Been to prison 3 times for a total of 6 years. I live in FL. No matter what I couldn't stay clean no matter how hard I tried. I was caught in December 2013 with a large quantity of heroin and I cocaine. I fueled my habit by selling. I hated every day of my life. Hated myself I was honestly ready for suicide. I am very lucky to I've had a supportive family. Since my arrest warrant I've been on subs. Wow what a miracle. I wish I'd done this before my legal issues. I just want everyone to know that subs do change lives. I've functioned in society held a job a stable relationship. My transformation has been amazing to everyone. I've been dragging my feet 3 years now on my legal case. But it's over I signed my deal today. Im taking 23.5 years on Jan 3.The judge and prosecution both promised life if I lose trial. So I had no choice. So I'm here to tell everyone stop and get your head out of your ass. This life isn't worth it. If I was in my active use I'd surely commit suicide over this. I'll be gone for almost 19 years..... But I'm trying to see the bright side. My kids had a good father for 3 years. My parents had a good son their only child for 3yrs. I must pay the Piper and I accept that. But we can do better for ourselves. We can become happy positive useful people. I've been reading here for several years and never said a word. This forum has been a great help to me. Idk why I'm even posting this it's embarasing and I feel really stupid posting this. My life is effectively over. But one day I get to try again. Being caught brought my demon to the last light. At least I can say I did something right. Good luck everyone


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 29, 2016 8:42 am 
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Do you not have any other options? No further legal recourse? I'm guessing FL, similar to AL, has a 3 strikes law...You're on 3rd?

It just seems like you would be able to show you've actually changed or have an appeal?

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 29, 2016 9:23 am 
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DirtRace75 thank you for reminding us that we shouldn't take anything for granted. Ur story breaks my heart, I'm so sorry this has happened. Will/when u have any chance at parole? At least u are young enough that even after u pull all that time, you'll have a second chance again. And like u said, you've had time to be urself again with the help of suboxone. Do u have a plan as to how ur going to get off suboxone.....u gonna taper before u go or just stop once ur in there? I wish u could continue taking suboxone but we all know that wouldn't ever happen.

I think, at least for me, I could have easily been in a position like u. During my using days, I did some stuff that if I'd gotten caught, I'd been serving much more serious time than I did (the longest amount of time I did at once was 8 days lol).

Thank u for posting! Please stick around the forum for as long as u can ☆☆☆☆
And we wish u tons of luck!

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 29, 2016 10:27 am 
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I remember when I was doing stupid sh*t...I went to jail for bad checks.
I spent 23 days in county lockup..and oh was it awful. At that time I was just taking low-dose opiates like lortab. In fact, I had 15 or so watson 10's waiting when I got out and came back home...
But when I finally did get out...I kept saying that I should just not even touch them...
But, first night home...first time I had seen my wife in 23 days...I got very drunk..on liquor. Tequila I think. And the next morning i had a hangover from hell...so I said "well, i'll just take a couple to get rid of the hangover headache"....

We all know where that went. By the next day I was out looking again for more pills.

I'm very lucky I didn't get caught when I was doing oxy. Saw cops near my dealer's house even..but the addiction wasn't enough to stop me from being stupid..and I continued to his house and purchased 8 oxy 80's ...and drove right back past the cop who was sitting ...
He could have easily pulled me over and would've got me with felony possession of Oxycontin...prob 5 years for each one..

I nearly died every time I came down from oxy..and I would be eating lortabs like m&m's...I can't imagine DT's from oxy with absolutely nothing to 'catch' me back then. It could've even caused respiratory distress and medical problems...because I would binge for several days on oxy..then stop for a bit and do it all again.....

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RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 29, 2016 1:40 pm 
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The 5 times I went to jail were during my morphine use and of course I was shooting it. I carried the gear with me in my purse everywhere I went and didn't think twice about it. The things I actually went to jail over, except for the last time, were nothing compared to what I was doing from day to day so I'm very lucky. I went into stores stealing anything I could fit in my bag. My friends father owned a store and me and her broke into the store after hours stealing cartons of cigarettes and change rolls. I got items from rental places and took it straight to the pawn shop, don't know how I didn't get a warrant for that. I've been in houses where they were making meth even though I didn't really like meth and only used it a handful of times. I travelled bk from Florida during the pill mill phase, coming bk through Georgia and Tennessee, blowed out of my mind with open bottles of oxycodone. Through all that and too much more to even remotely remember off the top of my head, the biggest charge I had was felony possession of marijuana with intent to sell, possession of schedule 2 and 3 (my bf at the time was a dealer and refused to take responsibility so they charged us both), criminal impersonation (because I lied about who I was because I knew I had a violation of probation on me) and violation of probation. After 8 days in jail, it was dropped to criminal impersonation and probation violation because my bf finally admitted it was all his stuff. I got out of jail and put bk on probation barley escaping a felony conviction.

All the other times I got arrested were warrants for not appearing in court for traffic violations (lost my license for a bit cause of that), writing bad checks and just continuously violating my probation. So I got extremely lucky because I could absolutely be sitting in prison right now. I was desperate, I was rock bottom for yrs. I can't believe that was my life! My poor family was put through hell because of my addiction. It's easy for me to stay grateful every single day because I never want to go bk to that again, ever. Suboxone saves my life every day and I can't imagine where I'd be today without it.

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 29, 2016 2:34 pm 
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You are VERY important! Don't you forget that!

You have shown your family who you really are after you finally got on medication that works for opiate addiction. What a gift! Instead of laying you in the ground your parents were able to know their son again. I have one son, so I can tell you how happy they are to have gotten you back. You are their miracle. And it's the same for your kids.

I wish you had been posting here all along. I don't know how long you have until your sentence starts so let us know. Do you know if you will have access to the internet in prison? Will you be allowed to access the forum? We want to keep hearing from you! If you can't access the forum, PM me and give me your email address or your mailing address. I promise to keep tabs on you and write to you and to give your info by PM to others who want to write.

I also want to let you know that after I get done with my degree, one of the things that I'm hoping to do is to advocate for our community. I hope to focus on issues surrounding our access to buprenorphine. One of the things that is most important is educating the criminal justice system on the difference this medication can make in our lives, specifically as it relates to allowing Medication Assisted Therapy within the prison system.

You can still make a huge difference with your life. Please remember that! If you need support please let us know.

Amy

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2016 12:49 am 
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I am deeply sorry that you must go to prison. Suboxone has been available since about 2012. I started on suboxone in 2005. I drove a friend to her pain doctor and found information about suboxone sitting in the waiting room, by accident. I had been looking for a way out of opiate addiction for months. I live in a rural area so no access to a methadone program. It is almost like buprenorphine treatment is keep secret.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2016 10:50 am 
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jeandianne wrote:
I am deeply sorry that you must go to prison. Suboxone has been available since about 2012. I started on suboxone in 2005. I drove a friend to her pain doctor and found information about suboxone sitting in the waiting room, by accident. I had been looking for a way out of opiate addiction for months. I live in a rural area so no access to a methadone program. It is almost like buprenorphine treatment is keep secret.



Before I found suboxone, I was contemplating me + the motorcycle I owned at the time (a 2007 Honda Shadow Sabre 1100) + a tree + really high speed. Seriously. I wanted out, and I wanted out so badly that I was debating on life and living at all. I hate to think people are at this point now and can't get the help that I received.

I had stolen from stores too. Pawned everything I could find. Lost everything I had except my home -- which I inherited and it's paid for.. Lost friends...used friends..
It's sad what ends we will go to in order to feed this addiction. I never did any morally demeaning things to get my fix...that was just not me. But I know some people do..and that is awful.

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RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2016 2:55 pm 
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First, Jonatham, not sure that you meant that the way it sounds.....people who do "morally demeaning" things are usually in a tremendous amout of pain. At least, in my 30 years as a social worker, this is what I have learned is almost always the case. I know I did a couple of despicable things and tormented myself about them. It was the lowest point of my life. And, opiates helped numb those feelings. Second and most important, to have three years clean and now be facing 19 years in prison, how are you staying strong? I can not tell you how much I admire your courage and your ability to stay positive. I pray that your strength and wisdom will be valued and drawn upon while you are in prison. I know they sometimes bring in meetings, have mentoring programs, allow you out to meetings to share your story...I hope that someone in a position of authority recognizes all that you have to share to help others. I too, as Amy has suggested, would love to be able to stay in touch with you. Please, feel free to pm me your address if you know what it will be. Hopefully, you will have some access to the internet and be able to stay in touch!


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2016 3:24 pm 
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Ppl that did horrible things during their addiction, doesn't mean they're bad. The things I did, wasn't the real me but was from my sickness. I take full responsibility for it all, absolutely, but that wasn't the real me. I don't even drive over the speed limit now in fear of getting in trouble and that's how I was before my activity using days and how I am now....just not during my active addiction. My mind was 100% thinking of my next fix and I did things that I would never do otherwise. That obsession can turn the best ppl into criminals.

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2016 3:32 pm 
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I'll let Jonathan speak for himself, but I don't think that he is trying to put anyone down.

Amy

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2016 5:21 pm 
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I agree Amy!


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2016 6:03 pm 
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jennjenn wrote:
Ppl that did horrible things during their addiction, doesn't mean they're bad. The things I did, wasn't the real me but was from my sickness. I take full responsibility for it all, absolutely, but that wasn't the real me. I don't even drive over the speed limit now in fear of getting in trouble and that's how I was before my activity using days and how I am now....just not during my active addiction. My mind was 100% thinking of my next fix and I did things that I would never do otherwise. That obsession can turn the best ppl into criminals.


Jen, active addiction makes us do terrible things to our bodies and minds. I never judge others for how low their bottom was! Not everyone of us grew up in ideal homes. Some people have been abused so their boundaries can be mixed up. Some developed maladaptive ways of dealing with stress and hurt. The point is that there are addicts who have less ability to fight their addiction in comparison to others. And you're right, Jen. Whatever is in your past, it doesn't mean that you are bad. You are a lovely person, a good person, who has an addiction and made decisions based on that addiction. You give us so much of your time moderating here, and we are extremely grateful!

Amy

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2016 9:49 am 
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Amy I know you'd never judge anyone, ur actually trying to help addicts in the career path ur taking. My response was to Jonathan's statement about "morally demeaning things because that's just not me" My post was just explaining that all the awful criminal things we all have done doesn't mean that's who we were, it was our addiction. That's all I meant. And if that's not what u meant Jonathan, I probably took it wrong, but it's still good to say it and get it out there because a lot of us struggle with guilt for things we put ourselves and our family through.

I'll drop it at that because the original poster is who needs us more than anything right now :)

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2016 8:00 pm 
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jonathanm1978 wrote:
Do you not have any other options? No further legal recourse? I'm guessing FL, similar to AL, has a 3 strikes law...You're on 3rd?

It just seems like you would be able to show you've actually changed or have an appeal?


It's the amount 396gr and within 1000ft of a school and 1000ft of a daycare. Tiny private school for young immigrant's I had no idea existed. Also a home daycare I knew nothing of. Those two things make it automatic life. I was being stupid. Now I pay the price. A split sentence is my only hope. Which after 10 years I'm eligible for a sentence review and to then have my sentence modified. I don't foresee any disciplinary issues in there. Only trouble I've ever gotten in was fighting where staff witnessed it and I wasn't the agressor also for tattooing but that's not a major problem.


Last edited by DirtRace75 on Fri Dec 02, 2016 8:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2016 8:09 pm 
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jennjenn wrote:
DirtRace75 thank you for reminding us that we shouldn't take anything for granted. Ur story breaks my heart, I'm so sorry this has happened. Will/when u have any chance at parole? At least u are young enough that even after u pull all that time, you'll have a second chance again. And like u said, you've had time to be urself again with the help of suboxone. Do u have a plan as to how ur going to get off suboxone.....u gonna taper before u go or just stop once ur in there? I wish u could continue taking suboxone but we all know that wouldn't ever happen.

I think, at least for me, I could have easily been in a position like u. During my using days, I did some stuff that if I'd gotten caught, I'd been serving much more serious time than I did (the longest amount of time I did at once was 8 days lol).

Thank u for posting! Please stick around the forum for as long as u can ☆☆☆☆
And we wish u tons of luck!


Florida unfortunately has no parole system. I will do a minimum of 85% of that time. I'm trying to taper down now. But really I kind of just want to say screw it and be care free not concerned with a taper with a month of freedom left to go. I could easily bring a large amount with me and I have several family doing time saying it's easily and cheaply obtained around 15$. But I'd rather just be done with it. Not risk more charges and not risk having a crutch inside the walls. I'm thankful I'm young. I'll be nearly 50 upon release. About 18.5 years is what I'll do if I keep my gain time. Which you can gain 10 days a month on paper. It's really a maximum of 5 so I will max out gain time long before my release date


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2016 8:16 pm 
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jonathanm1978 wrote:
I remember when I was doing stupid sh*t...I went to jail for bad checks.
I spent 23 days in county lockup..and oh was it awful. At that time I was just taking low-dose opiates like lortab. In fact, I had 15 or so watson 10's waiting when I got out and came back home...
But when I finally did get out...I kept saying that I should just not even touch them...
But, first night home...first time I had seen my wife in 23 days...I got very drunk..on liquor. Tequila I think. And the next morning i had a hangover from hell...so I said "well, i'll just take a couple to get rid of the hangover headache"....

We all know where that went. By the next day I was out looking again for more pills.

I'm very lucky I didn't get caught when I was doing oxy. Saw cops near my dealer's house even..but the addiction wasn't enough to stop me from being stupid..and I continued to his house and purchased 8 oxy 80's ...and drove right back past the cop who was sitting ...
He could have easily pulled me over and would've got me with felony possession of Oxycontin...prob 5 years for each one..

I nearly died every time I came down from oxy..and I would be eating lortabs like m&m's...I can't imagine DT's from oxy with absolutely nothing to 'catch' me back then. It could've even caused respiratory distress and medical problems...because I would binge for several days on oxy..then stop for a bit and do it all again.....


That's what it was for me avoiding being sick. But somehow I was able to make connections I wish I never did. I got caught with almost 400gr. Loaning my friend of 15 years one gram set it all in motion. He was caught with 1gram leaving my house. Told the police what I had. He bought for them over the next several months and when I took a large delivery for myself and 4 associates they kicked my door in. Caught me with the dope on the table and a needle in my arm. Bond was set at 350,000 I gave my family the cash and my father put up several pieces of heavy equipment as collateral and a I've been on the streets 3 years doing something different. Slipped up once when they said life was the only option. But no one knows. Now it's just counting days


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2016 8:25 pm 
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Amy-Work In Progress wrote:
You are VERY important! Don't you forget that!

You have shown your family who you really are after you finally got on medication that works for opiate addiction. What a gift! Instead of laying you in the ground your parents were able to know their son again. I have one son, so I can tell you how happy they are to have gotten you back. You are their miracle. And it's the same for your kids.

I wish you had been posting here all along. I don't know how long you have until your sentence starts so let us know. Do you know if you will have access to the internet in prison? Will you be allowed to access the forum? We want to keep hearing from you! If you can't access the forum, PM me and give me your email address or your mailing address. I promise to keep tabs on you and write to you and to give your info by PM to others who want to write.

I also want to let you know that after I get done with my degree, one of the things that I'm hoping to do is to advocate for our community. I hope to focus on issues surrounding our access to buprenorphine. One of the things that is most important is educating the criminal justice system on the difference this medication can make in our lives, specifically as it relates to allowing Medication Assisted Therapy within the prison system.

You can still make a huge difference with your life. Please remember that! If you need support please let us know.

Amy


My sentence starts Jan 3rd I may get lucky and have it pushed back. I have crohns disease and I need surgery so I may be allowed to have an operation to remove a few inches of my intestines then go. Their won't be legal avenues to the Internet. But it is available and prevalent so I will be able to post once I'm at a main camp. My family is truly thankful and I know they will be behind me. I'll have it as good as a person could hope for in there. I just wish I'd chosen a different path. Thought being the man would solve my problems. Instead it only created the biggest problem of my life. I got high off the power of having access to quantities of drugs others only dreamed of. It was an addiction in itself. Making 6 figures doing nothing... Or so I thought. Nothing but costing myself 20 years behind a fence


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 03, 2016 9:37 am 
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Amy-Work In Progress wrote:
I'll let Jonathan speak for himself, but I don't think that he is trying to put anyone down.

Amy


I would never do that. I was only speaking for myself. I'm grateful that I never got to that point, but I was headed to that path quickly at the rate I was going.
And just because I never did any of those things I mentioned, doesn't mean the thoughts didn't cross my mind. There were a few days that I didn't know what I would pawn next to get my sick to stop, and you start thinking about what you can do to get money. The addict brain is a terrible manipulator of an otherwise self-respecting individual... I just stopped before it got that bad.
When I did finally get help, I was searching for, and had already asked my pill dealer, about getting heroin. I wanted to get a cheaper, better high than what I was getting..and the oxy binges were taking a toll on me because of the 3-4 days of being high, then 2-3 days of coming down hard.
And I only ever snorted them... but had already started trying to find ways to get needles and what to do to inject them. Being dope-sick ...it causes a thought process that I've never even come close to having when sober... but that's what you can't get people to understand. That's what makes me so mad at people like I've described in other posts...an old perverted man who would let young girls live with him and feed those girls pills ..I knew the dope-sick they were staving off ...and what they were being coerced to do in order to get their fix... Compassion isn't the word..but there wasn't anything I could do for the girls.. I didn't want them thinking I could help them when I couldn't even help myself... so i stayed far from that crowd.
I am just lucky that I got out before my addiction got me even lower. I was at a tipping point..and could have easily gone either way. I think of my brother and know how close I got to him just before he died... and how much he loved his first and only baby. People here understand and know..we all know each others stories...but it's hard to make others understand that. It's hard to explain to someone that just to keep from being sick, you would do ANYTHING..if that meant pawning everything of value, doing without power/water/phones/food...and I got to a point where I knew my kids were taken care of so I didn't care about anyone but ME. ME ME ME... Being an addict and keeping the sickness away makes the most generous and caring person into a selfish, self-centered person who on the outside appears to not care about nothing but being high.
If people would only realize..it's not the high that matters that much..or to me, it didn't. It was keeping that feeling away. I wanted to stay as far away from sick as I could. The high, I could obviously do without. But I had wrecked my body and caused a dependency that I couldn't control and needed to keep that dependency in check... That's what no one but other addicts understand.
I bet each one of us could easily say "hell yeah, I would've quickly done without the euphoric high if it meant not being sick"...
Because that's what we're actually doing now. The successes we've made are because we're not sick, and not high...so we all know we could say yes to that...
we all were in a struggle to keep ourselves from being sick from addiction. The high...that was just extra.

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DOB: July 1, 1985
October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 03, 2016 9:48 am 
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I had a feeling that you did not mean it the way it sounded but Jenn and I, being the good mods that I think we are, had to ask you for clarification! Thanks Jonathan for clearing that up for us! Enjoy your day!


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