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 Post subject: Suboxone Crossroads
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 10:29 pm 
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Hello All,

I am new to this site and I am posting my first thread this evening. First a little background about myself.

I was addicted to opiates for about for about 7 solid years with the last 3 years being the most severe and heavy use. Snorting opana and roxycontin really did me in. I finally threw my hands up after screwing up great job opportunities, falling in total financial ruin and just about ruining my marriage and family. At 32 yrs old and with 3 kids suboxone turned my life around. I have been on subs for almost 2 years now and my life has improved a great deal. But as you all know there are still imprisoning elements that come along with suboxone but I digress.

I have come to sort of a crossroads which Im sure everyone else encounters. Although subs keep me sane and safe, I am getting tired of all the shit that comes with it. I am tired of having to take something to feel good and other people seeking them out from me in trade for other temptations. With my anxiety issues it is hard when someone offers a "trade" with benzos I am fond of but never really had an addiction to. I was prescribed benzos for about 2 years due to my anxiety but had to quit when I started the sub program per my docs demands. I dropped it with no problem but I still struggle with anxiety and stress. I was just so willing to finally get out of whole opiate seeking chase. I think that was a big contributor to my prior anxiety.

So now Im stuck with the question at hand. Am I ready to get off subs completely? Im on 16mg a day and my doc keeps pressuring me to decrease dosage. Im really confused one day I feel like I can do it the next day I think no way. I have so much on my plate. Raising young children, financial pressures and a wife who doesnt fully understand addiction. All drugs are taboo in her eyes. Im just so tired.

To make things worse my whole family has dependancy issues. My parents both go to pain management and receive ridiculous amounts of pain meds and benzos. My brothers both have dependancy issues and often seek me out for my meds which I have a hard time saying no to cuz I know what its like to be sick.

I just came on here for support I cant get on my own. I wish I would have found this sooner. Thanks for all who tool the time to listen.

NR


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 Post subject: Re: Suboxone Crossroads
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 11:24 pm 
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Man it sounds like you’re in the middle of a relapse minefield. Your story doesn’t make sense in some ways; E.G.- That you were prescribed benzo’s for two years, and when your sub doc found out you were on them, he said” off the benzo’s or I won’t accept you as a patient.” Whatever you were on, Xanax, Valium, K-pins, Ativan – these aren’t meds you hit the brakes on and stop one day out of the blue. He should know that?

But you never went into too serious a withdrawal because you were trading your meds for Benzodiazepines. I’m pissed tested each month at my Clinic, before seeing my doctor. How in the world have you managed to dodge that bullet for, what, two years now?

I don’t think you should come off the Suboxone right now. Try and clear a path through all these people leeching off you for your subs and who you’re making these med trades with. Seriously, unless you’re stuck at work with them or something, cut all ties. You are addicted to benzo’s, how you are going to work through that’s beyond me. Especially with them surrounding you at every turn you make, and it’s unfortunate your sub doctor isn’t being flexible with you on that front.

I’m on 15mg valium a day, sometimes I just take two, rarely 1 – they’re the 5mg. But the bottle says 3x a day. My suboxone doctor was understanding with why I was on them, and said we would deal with that when the time is right. Which will be after tapering off the Suboxone.

Most important thing in your life is your life. I know your brothers are your blood, and it hurts to see them in withdrawal, but you have to worry about yourself right now.

Definitely a mess you’re in man. I sincerely wish you the path of least suffering as you define your journey and discover what choices to make.


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 Post subject: Re: Suboxone Crossroads
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 1:23 am 
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SW,

Hey man thanks for the reply. Sorry if the story sounds confusing I think I was just trying to detail the situation and events a little to much. I can def see how it might seem confusing.

About the benzo situation though. Man thats exactly how it went down during the initial processing with my doc. He just said no you need to get away from them. Exact words. I agree with you on the subject and I was like wth just stop after 2 years. Anyways I complied from the get go it wasnt until later I started the whole trading thing. I know it sounds strange. Ive tried to talk to him about it he is just not going to write it with the subs. If he did man it would solve a lot of problems. But please dont get me wrong I need the subs way more than the benzos. Ive tried to tell him with benzos for me its like relief not a feel good buzz. Honestly its like that.
I never took the benzos with the intention to cop a feel good buzz like I did the opiates.

I will say he is a very compassionate doc. I have indeed been popped several times for benzos on drug test with him. He will just say " so I see youve had a rough month" and thats it. Thats the weird part. Its like he knows I really need them but he just wants to be safe with his practice I guess. Thats all I can figure.

Anyways I was on Klonopin 3mg a day. I have been thinking when I kick the subs maybe I should get back on them. What do you think? everybody I talk to seems to advise against it.

The cutting ties thing is the hardest part. People have told me the same thing several times over but Im foolish I guess. I end up running short on subs about a week prior here recently and I go haywire without them. From what I understand there are no doctors around here that will write both. Plus there is a deal with my insurance saying I cannot be prescribed benzos for they will not cover the subs and I cant afford to pay for the strips out of pocket. I get my script for free. Im not on medicaid, blue cross blue shield.

Idk man. Maybe I should come clean with my doc? Im having the urge to but dont want to be cut off. What do you think?

Thank You so much for your reply man.

KR


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 Post subject: Re: Suboxone Crossroads
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 1:56 am 
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SF,

Clarification on the trading part. I dont trade all of my script just 15 to 20 % of what I get. To have the benzos for rough days. Like tonight. Insomnia. Racing thoughts. Uhhh..gonna try to fall asleep.

NR


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 Post subject: Re: Suboxone Crossroads
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 8:19 am 
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Tough love has to come into play with your family. Right now you are enabling your family to continue with their addictions and ultimately use you for your subs. Time to say "no more". Its hard saying no, butyou have to protect your recovery and throwing yourself into wds every month isnt helping you one bit. You have to do whats best for you. Us addicts and especially those in active addiction are a selfish lot and you have to ask yourself, if the shoe were on the other foot, would they allow themselves to run out of their meds every month, go through wds just to help you out? Probably not.

I am sure you know benzos are highly addicting and murder to withdraw from. Some people experience lasting symptoms long after they stop taking them. Just seek out Mojito Man on this forum and ask him.

I personally would avoid that stuff at all costs.

Only you know what you truly want and only you can put a stop to the roller coaster ride your on. You will find lots of support on here and insight from alot of members. I can tell you that its a breeze to taper from 16mgs slowly every month. It doesnt seem to get tricky until you hit 4 or 2 mgs. Askyour doctor for a slow taper plan. Be prepared though, tapering means less monthly pills, less to trade and less to give out to your family. You need to tell them to get into their own sub plan and clinic. Why should you go to a clinic, try to get clean, straighten out your life only to hand those pills over to someone who only uses them to get by until their next fix?

when I first got clean and entered a sub program, my ex boyfriend, the one I did oxy with, would hunt me down feeling like shit and beg me for subs. I helped him twice but then said fuck you buddy. Go get clean. I am not enabling you to feel well till you get your hands on your next stash. Ironically, when we were using together and run out, he would score drugs, tell me he couldn't find any and sit next to me while I was sick as hell, high as a kite and pretend hedidnt feel well. Yeah, selfish much?

in recovery, the most important person is you. You have to take care of your wellbeing so it will trickle down to your wife and kids.


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 Post subject: Re: Suboxone Crossroads
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 10:18 am 
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NightRider32 wrote:
SW,


I will say he is a very compassionate doc. I have indeed been popped several times for benzos on drug test with him. He will just say " so I see youve had a rough month" and thats it. Thats the weird part. Its like he knows I really need them but he just wants to be safe with his practice I guess. Thats all I can figure.

Anyways I was on Klonopin 3mg a day. I have been thinking when I kick the subs maybe I should get back on them. What do you think? everybody I talk to seems to advise against it.


Idk man. Maybe I should come clean with my doc? Im having the urge to but dont want to be cut off. What do you think?

Thank You so much for your reply man.

KR

KR(Hasselhoff at his finest) :mrgreen:
The 3mg of Klonopin/day that you were prescribed is a heavy dose of benzo. That would be equal to me taking 60mg of Valium. I'm actually on Valium as part of a taper from a two year Klonopin habit I had when I started back into college. Thing is, I know what a living nightmare benzo withdrawal is, so , I was actually able to never go over 2mg of the k-pins. And I tapered down to where I was taking 0.75mg - 0.50mg a day. That's when I went to a doctor and asked for help to continue tapering, I was very lucky to find one who was compassionate enough to do this for me.

But even using the valium to taper and level off from the klonopin I went through a period of being very ill. I truly think Xanax and Klonopin are the two worst benzo's to kick. Valium, with it's long half life makes the transition easier. So maybe you should try that route if you go back on a benzo. I think it would be great if you could stay off them completely. Your plan to stop using subs first is good, though, so stick with that.

Personally, I wouldn't mention any of this to your sub doctor. Just work with him to get you through the taper, then, the transition after jumping.


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 Post subject: Re: Suboxone Crossroads
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 11:56 am 
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Trainer,

I admit you couldnt be anymore spot on with your examples. Your right it doesnt make any sense to go to a clinic if the treatment isnt going to be for you. I dont know why I feel responsible for my brothers problems. They dont have the resources to get treatment. Buy I do have to ask the question would they be doing the same for me. Out of us 3 boys I am the middle child but have always seemed like the more responsible, accountable and stronger. Maybe cus I was in the middle, maybe cuz after high school I didnt hang around town and party I was serving my country overseas in the Army.

Anyway thank you for your post I appreciate it. I am just really confused what the best path for me is with these meds is.

NR


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 Post subject: Re: Suboxone Crossroads
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 12:08 pm 
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SW,

Haha Hasselhoff yeah.

Thanks for your reply again.

I guess my tolerance is a bit higher than yours. 3mg of Kpins isnt that much to me, Ive taken 2mg of xanax at a time without flinching. Idk I am a pretty big guy. I was always in sports, military and the weight room lifting.

The Valium thing does seem like a good suggestion. My dad is prescribed those. Ive tried them. Very mild to me but they so the job I guess. But yes I agree Kpins and Xanax are the heaviest and could cause way more severe dependancy issues.

Well today is another day. Feeling ok. Short on subs though. Havent taken a benzo in a few days but feel ok. Mild anxiety. Have a good day man.

NR


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