It is currently Wed Aug 23, 2017 1:54 pm



All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Our Sponsors





Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 9 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2014 5:15 am 
Offline
New Poster
New Poster

Joined: Tue May 06, 2014 5:05 am
Posts: 3
My husband is on Suboxone now and has been for about 3 yrs now. I am thankful he is off the roxys of course but I am at a loss sometimes. The dr has tested him for low testosterone and of course it was extremely low. He did the treatment for about one month in which things improved. He has never bothered with it since then. Being an addict he is addicted to anything and everything easily. Right now online poker is his addiction. For forever it's been playing pool. Just anything other than me maybe? We are young, I want to have a normal sex life. I have tried pretty much everything I can think of. I have spent tons of money on sexy outfits and tried that only to be made to feel like an idiot. I have tried every trick known to woman to seduce him w no hope! Being constantly rejected and ignored is so frustrating! He knows that the test treatment would help but doesn't give a damn to do it. Sex is absolutely not important to him at all. How can this be normal? If I want to have sex he makes me feel like a complete bitch. Help anyone? I would especially like a guys view?


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2014 10:10 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2012 4:50 pm
Posts: 11
Your husband might be interested in some of the other benefits of testost. treatment. So, I would talk to him about it but avoid any mention of sex, and tell him about how it will enhance his physique (I was shocked when I saw myself in the mirror about a month or so into the treatment, no workouts, but I was buffed up somewhat like I looked 20 years ago), and it will help his attitude and give him some initiative again, so he'll feel like doing constructive things instead of wasting time playing poker or engaging in other entertainment, it will sharpen his memory and quicken his thinking, and there are other positive results, it seems to roll back time a decade or so (depending on current age, I'm late 40's).

If his T is as low as mine was, any talk or thoughts of sex, were actually a gross subject to me at the time. A goodlooking woman in a bikini on tv didn't spark interests, seeing a goodlooking naked woman in a magazine did nothing, and thought of sex with my wife was something like a disgusting thought (not that I ever said that to her), though I love her dearly. She took my overall view of the topic personally, like I no longer had any interest in her. Of course I still loved her but I didn't show it with a hug or a kiss very often, and certainly didn't show it any other way.

I thought about it at a very logical level, like if we're not going to have another baby, why waste the energy and sweat etc. I thought this was totally the result of my Sub treatment and nothing could be done about it, but my doc told me to start the low t treatment. Within a month or two, my desire returned, my wife didn't disgust me nor did any other woman, and now she isn't putting out enough again! I'm still on the same dosage of Sub too.

It was fascinating to learn how these little hormones can make you a different person in so many respects when your body isn't producing them. And the thing is, you never know this or realize it until you rebalance and look back on what you've been through. So don't take it personally.

Best wishes.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2014 10:12 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2012 4:50 pm
Posts: 11
I read your message again. I don't think 1 month is really long enough to get the full effects. It took at least 2 for me, and probably even longer than I recall. It was like a very slow and subtle improvement over a long time.


Top
 Profile  
 
Our Sponsors
PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2014 9:20 am 
Offline
New Poster
New Poster

Joined: Tue May 06, 2014 5:05 am
Posts: 3
Terry, thank you for your reply. That does make me feel somewhat less alone.
I have researched and read for hours on end about the addiction and the subs
Test treatment etc. The crazy thing is he DOES know all of the added benefits
Of the treatment. He was actually working out ( and addicted to that lol) at the
Time. Probably why he even considered doing it then. It is very hard not to take
Personally when someone is so adamantly rejecting you. This has been going on
For almost 5 yrs now. I thought the suboxone was going to help. In this side not
Really. Very slightly. It absolutely crushes me that he won't make any effort
When he knows how very much it bothers me. And I did think it was the opiate
But knowing he doesn't care or even want to do the test treatments to make it better
Makes me believe it can't just be the opiates it has to be me too. I'm just heart
Broken. I don't know how much more I can take of the entire bundle. Totally at
A loss....


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2014 10:51 pm 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 4:42 am
Posts: 4140
It's really very self-defeating and unhelpful to be saying that it must be you that is making your husband uninterested in sex. It's also a little self-centered. Your husband is obviously struggling with recovery despite being on suboxone. It's common for addiction to take on another form (like the online poker) when the addict isn't working hard on his or her addiction. While your sex life is important, I think the bigger issue here is that your husband is in the fight of his life and he's only fighting half-heartedly.

Low T is probably only part of your husband's problem with his sex drive (and no, the other part is not you!). Often times both addiction and Low T can go hand in hand with depression. Depression also affects sex drive negatively and it's not something he can just "snap out of" to have sex. He is probably dealing with guilt over his new gambling habit and it makes him feel even worse that he can't satisfy you right now. Guilt just compounds his other negative feelings. It could very well be that his depression stems from Low T, but depression makes it very difficult to try to improve your life because you see any effort as hopeless. Do you see how that makes it hard for him to want to try?

Your husband needs to be in therapy with an addiction specialist. He is using online poker to numb himself to his problems just like the opiates did. He needs to address this! It would also be a great idea if you went to couples counseling. You need to be able to talk to your husband about what is important to you and listen to his needs too. It's really hard to communicate about sex so a therapist could really help with the communication in your marriage.

Please don't just blow off this advice and continue feeling bad about yourself and resentful of your husband. Even if your husband doesn't want to go to counseling, it's a good idea for you to go yourself. First, it may impact him to see that you're serious about improving your marriage. Secondly, a good therapist can help you with any feelings of rejection and teach you how to deal with your husband's lack of desire.

Unfortunately, this issue is far deeper than it may seem and it does tie into his addiction. If you decide that you will never have the marriage with your husband that you want, and if he isn't willing to work on his addiction or his other problems, you may have to choose to move on. I hope that you guys can work things out!

(I want you to know that I've dealt with similar issues in my marriage, so I know where you're coming from!)

Amy

_________________
Done is better than perfect!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2014 6:12 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2012 4:50 pm
Posts: 11
I generally agree with Amy on most of her points. I too felt guilty that I had no desire etc. and depressed. I repeatedly told my wife my problem had nothing to do with her, with what she looked like, or anything else. I think she finally started to understand and believe what I was saying. I told her, if you haven't noticed, I don't seem to have an interest in much anything, even my passion for my career had disappeared. And now, a year or so into my low-T treatment, she can look back and understand that it truly was my hormone problem, rather than her. It made me so sad that she was thinking it was her or something she had done when it had nothing to do with her whatsover.

Aside from the specific addiction matter, it is my understanding, and it is certainly the case for me, though I don't know if it is specifically true, that a man's career or his ability to provide for his family is a paramount concern and when this aspect of a man's life is being negatively impacted, the result can be depression, guilt etc. If your husband is unemployed, having trouble at work, hates his job, or you have a heavy debt load or having any kind of negative financial problems, this could really bring him down. Even if finances are ok, job stress itself can zap it out of you. I'm sure all men aren't like this but it is how I was anyway. So maybe its career or financial related, or the process of aging, or perhaps some other aspect in his life that is compounding his addiction recovery.

I do agree you should try the counselling too, either with or without him. I didn't like counselling and talking about my problems at first either because I thought I already knew everything, but of course I found out that was certainly not the case. I don't know about Amy's moving on statement, though I respect her opinion, I'm a "for sickness and in health till death do us part" kind of guy. If my wife had left me during what I was going through, and she certainly had good reason to, I would have been totally devastated, abandoned when I was silently crying out for help, knowing that I was the cause of it all and not being able to control it. Fortunately, I had stood by her side in the past when she was in crisis, and I rode it out and worked with her recovery. If this hadn't happened I wonder if she really would have left me. But she was patient and over a long period things got back to a normal relationship. She is still patient with me, we have learned to be patient with each other and accept each others' short comings and we are happy.

I'll say one final thing then shut up. I believe Amy is right in that you must become positive. I believe that once we change out attitudes to the positive, positive things began to happen after a while. As Henry Ford, I think, once said, "if you think you can, or if you think you can't, either way you will be right".
Be patient and positive.
Best wishes.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2014 9:19 pm 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 4:42 am
Posts: 4140
I agree with a ton of the stuff Terryx says. I am also a committed person in marriage and wouldn't leave my husband unless he was sleeping around or abusing me or my son. I used to listen to Dr. Laura. I don't agree with everything she said, but she had only 3 legitimate reasons for divorcing: adultery, abuse, or addiction. I agree with those three deal breakers. Of course, I'm very grateful that my husband didn't talk about leaving me when I admitted I was addicted to opiates. But I also already had a plan to go on suboxone and get an addiction therapist, both of which I followed through on.

The husband in this case sounds like he has faced his addiction to an extent, but that he needs to keep working on recovery. He needs to recommit to recovery and stop gambling. He could be accumulating debt behind his wife's back or ruining their credit. These are things that needs to be addressed even before the low T. Like, Terryx says, it is important to be patient with your husband, but I would add that he needs to be showing signs of improvement too.

Being married to an addict means that you are married to the person you love, but you are also married to the disease of addiction. It would be a benefit for you to know as much as you can about it and have support for yourself. It is very hard to watch someone you love make really poor choices, but do remember that his choices don't reflect on you. He's not making bad choices because you're bad (or unattractive, etc.) but because he is an addict.

I sincerely wish you all the best as you try to deal with this. You are welcome to keep updating us if you find it helpful, which many do. We'll be here for you as best we can! :)

Amy

_________________
Done is better than perfect!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2014 9:19 am 
Offline
New Poster
New Poster

Joined: Tue May 06, 2014 5:05 am
Posts: 3
Thank you guys for words of support and advice. First let me start with we are not ancient, he's 37. Not regularly but he does look at porn so there is obviously some interest in a sexual nature. I could care less about the porn given I'm not left in the cold as a result if that makes sense? The job is not the issue. He is very happy and excited in his career and loves what he does. Money is not an issue. Maybe more of an enabler because he has never been a rock bottom addict. He's always been a functioning working addict. He's never not had money for his pills when he was on roxy, and they were prescribed.
Never not had money for subs and has plenty to gamble with without having to worry about it being an issue for him. Because of all of this he views himself as a different kind of addict. And in some sense I suppose he is. He has been to few of the group meetings etc. We went to marriage counseling but that
Didn't last long either. I did try to talk to him some last night he doesn't want to talk. I told him I feel like our marriage is really hurting right now etc. He just says ok I'm not good enough for you, I don't
Feel like listening to bitching. I feel like I have been supportive of him. This has been going on for almost five yrs now between addiction and recovery. He KNOWS all of the benefits of testosterone treatment, and like I said did for a min. Although at the time he was on a work out kick and I think that was a big motivator. He simply chooses not to do the treatment for whatever reasons of his own. And it's not just the sex it's the emotional bond that a couple feels and has from being intimate. It's the affection that any normal person would crave from someone they love. Trust me there's no half way for this boy! If he's into something he's 110% in. Weather it be work, fitness, gambling, a new interest in some topic he likes, whatever. Our marriage is the only thing I've ever seen that he doesn't go all in on.
Obviously now it's not all bad. He's a great guy and I love him dearly. He certainly has had his moments where he is really trying. So at some point I have to wonder if it's the addiction, the subs, or is it really and truly me? I'm not being self absorbed or thinking I'm so great this is what it is. I'm being logical after doing TONS of research on addiction, marriage etc. Not all the puzzle pieces fit to say it's JUST this medication or JUST the addiction. I would like to go to counseling on my own if he won't go. Really don't have anyone to talk to about it here so reaching out here where someone might understand and be going through anything similar. Thanks everyone


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Dec 09, 2014 5:26 am 
Offline
New Poster
New Poster

Joined: Tue Dec 09, 2014 4:23 am
Posts: 2
Imjustagurl wrote:
Thank you guys for words of support and advice. First let me start with we are not ancient, he's 37. Not regularly but he does look at porn so there is obviously some interest in a sexual nature. I could care less about the porn given I'm not left in the cold as a result if that makes sense? The job is not the issue. He is very happy and excited in his career and loves what he does. Money is not an issue. Maybe more of an enabler because he has never been a rock bottom addict. He's always been a functioning working addict. He's never not had money for his pills when he was on roxy, and they were prescribed.
Never not had money for subs and has plenty to gamble with without having to worry about it being an issue for him. Because of all of this he views himself as a different kind of addict. And in some sense I suppose he is. He has been to few of the group meetings etc. We went to marriage counseling but that
Didn't last long either. I did try to talk to him some last night he doesn't want to talk. I told him I feel like our marriage is really hurting right now etc. He just says ok I'm not good enough for you, I don't
Feel like listening to bitching. I feel like I have been supportive of him. This has been going on for almost five yrs now between addiction and recovery. He KNOWS all of the benefits of testosterone treatment, and like I said did for a min. Although at the time he was on a work out kick and I think that was a big motivator. He simply chooses not to do the treatment for whatever reasons of his own. And it's not just the sex it's the emotional bond that a couple feels and has from being intimate. It's the affection that any normal person would crave from someone they love. Trust me there's no half way for this boy! If he's into something he's 110% in. Weather it be work, fitness, gambling, a new interest in some topic he likes, whatever. Our marriage is the only thing I've ever seen that he doesn't go all in on.
Obviously now it's not all bad. He's a great guy and I love him dearly. He certainly has had his moments where he is really trying. So at some point I have to wonder if it's the addiction, the subs, or is it really and truly me? I'm not being self absorbed or thinking I'm so great this is what it is. I'm being logical after doing TONS of research on addiction, marriage etc. Not all the puzzle pieces fit to say it's JUST this medication or JUST the addiction. I would like to go to counseling on my own if he won't go. Really don't have anyone to talk to about it here so reaching out here where someone might understand and be going through anything similar. Thanks everyone


This post is a few months old so I'm not sure you will EVER read this, but I think you should leave him. For you to try SO HARD and be SO PATIENT and for him to answer that "I'm not good enough for you and I don't feel like listening to bitching", that is what I call a total scumbag. I have a woman like you, and she is the best thing I could ever have and I would protect her with my life. She is also always initiating sex, and its INCREDIBLE sex, but thats just how it goes on suboxone, however that has NOTHING to do with the other issues like him not even caring about your needs. Divorce him and take some of that money he is pissing away, sounds like he won't even miss you. I hate to be so harsh but you deserve someone so much better.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 9 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Our Sponsors
Suboxone Forum latest topics RSS feed Subscribe to the entire forum
 

 

 
Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group