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 Post subject: Stupid addict brain
PostPosted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 1:23 am 
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Well, we just got back from the hospital. My daughter broke two bones in her foot while playing this evening. We knew she was hurt because she was crying, my daughter rarely, rarely cries. Honestly though, I figured she had just sprained it real good because the swelling wasn't too awful bad. Anyway, they did an x-ray and found 1 bone fractured and the other broken. They put a split cast on it and told us to call the orthopaedic surgeon Monday. I KNEW what was coming next, the doctor offered to send us home with 5 Lortab and a script for 15 more. He also told us that studies have shown that for children my daughters age Ibuprofen works just as good as pain meds, but he said he was giving us the pain meds too because he'd rather be safe then sorry. Immediately, my wife looks at me with "that look" and I assure her that everything is cool, I'm doing good in my recovery and it'll all be fine......except I was already scheming on how to sneak a few tabs away.

We got home from the hospital and got my daughter situated and I confessed to my wife that my thinking had gone awry. She called her sister and her sister came over and picked up the pills and the script. Her sister knows about my addiction, actually, the whole family knows because I told them.

I knew long ago that if I was gonna beat this addiction, I wasn't gonna be able to do it alone and tonight is a great example of that.

Right now, my daughter is resting peacefully and I'm still clean. The doctor was right about the Ibuprofen, it's handling her pain just fine.

I'm happy I was able to come to my senses pretty quickly and ask for help, but I am disappointed that my stupid addict brain went in the ditch so quick.

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 2:01 am 
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Most of us probably would've been thinking the same thing. I know I would've, even though I am on subs and know it wouldn't work.

That's so good that you can talk to your wife openly about it and she knows to remove them from the vicinity immediately! If she hid them, you probably would've found them.

I wouldn't be disappointed if I were you. You ended up doing the right thing and you are still clean. :D

Maybe it will get easier and easier as time goes by when these situations come up.


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 2:26 am 
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Good for you romeo'. i don't no what i would have taken them. wow' ya have to be pretty strong to do that and i'm proud of ya :wink:

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 7:27 am 
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Romeo wrote:
Well, we just got back from the hospital. My daughter broke two bones in her foot while playing this evening. We knew she was hurt because she was crying, my daughter rarely, rarely cries. Honestly though, I figured she had just sprained it real good because the swelling wasn't too awful bad. Anyway, they did an x-ray and found 1 bone fractured and the other broken. They put a split cast on it and told us to call the orthopaedic surgeon Monday. I KNEW what was coming next, the doctor offered to send us home with 5 Lortab and a script for 15 more. He also told us that studies have shown that for children my daughters age Ibuprofen works just as good as pain meds, but he said he was giving us the pain meds too because he'd rather be safe then sorry. Immediately, my wife looks at me with "that look" and I assure her that everything is cool, I'm doing good in my recovery and it'll all be fine......except I was already scheming on how to sneak a few tabs away.

We got home from the hospital and got my daughter situated and I confessed to my wife that my thinking had gone awry. She called her sister and her sister came over and picked up the pills and the script. Her sister knows about my addiction, actually, the whole family knows because I told them.

I knew long ago that if I was gonna beat this addiction, I wasn't gonna be able to do it alone and tonight is a great example of that.

Right now, my daughter is resting peacefully and I'm still clean. The doctor was right about the Ibuprofen, it's handling her pain just fine.

I'm happy I was able to come to my senses pretty quickly and ask for help, but I am disappointed that my stupid addict brain went in the ditch so quick.






Romeo, this is why I am still on subutex. I would have thought the same thing...only I would not have confessed it to my husband...I would have found some off brand tylenol and switched it so the count would be right...cunning, baffling, powerful...but I can say in all honesty that if this had happened to me now, while I am on the subutex, I could have taken the script to the pharmacy, filled it, and never even had an ounce of desire for it. It could have been right there in front of me..on the shelf in the kitchen...and I would have never wanted it. In all my years in AA, I could never say that. I am not blaming AA...I didn't work the steps, use my sponsor, get in with the crowd...I just showed up for meetings and lied.

I think AA and NA are great programs and they can surely work if you work them. I wanted to work it, but never could get off my drugs enough to be honest. I have been on sub for 2 years. I hope that someday I will be able to be like you...get off the sub and attend meetings and stay sober....but right now I am just not ready. My children are all grown and gone now, but when they were little...and growing up...everytime something happened and they got a script for pain pills I took some...every every time...and with my husband as well...and everybody else I knew in the family that I could get away with it without being caught.

So...I am proud of you. I am glad you posted this. The main thing I am glad about is you showing just how bad this disease is...still...after all this time...you still had the thought...that is a scary thing and so true for all of us.

Thanks again for posting this...
Slipper

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 7:37 am 
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Look at it this way, Romeo...The last few times you've started a thread it was to tell us you'd relapsed. Not this time! No, this time you told us you DIDN'T relapse. I look at that as progress. But can you say exactly what that progress is? Have you identified your triggers and worked on your cravings since your last relapse? I know we've all gone over some of the things you can work on before with you and I'm not trying to repeat all that and push shit on you again. I'm just trying to nudge you a bit to look deeper again. I think we always have to keep looking deeper. It's the only way we can successfully look at ourselves in order to improve ourselves and our lives - and isn't that what recovery is all about?

I wish you continued success and good luck. :)

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 9:27 am 
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Onya Romeo :)

You've come a long way!

Maybe one day you'll feel secure enough in your recovery that such measures won't be needed. Until then, keep doing the right thing!

:D


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 10:42 am 
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Thank you all for your input and support. The various points of view are one of the things I've always found to be most valuable about this forum. Obviously, my brain works from my point of view and it's really nice to get other addicts insights into my actions....it helps me with my continued recovery.

The timing of this accident my daughter had was kind of interesting, it was just a day or two ago that I posted about how great I was doing in my recovery and then Whamo, this happens. I think the Big Guy upstairs saw my progress and He decided that I was ready to go to the next level with my recovery. The next level for me and my recovery is to be able to be in proximity to drugs and to not lose my cool. I've had trouble during my entire recovery with proximity to drugs.....the closer they are to me, the more they talk to me.....actually, they don't talk to me (obviously, LOL), I lust over them when they're near.

My daughter goes to the orthaopaedic surgeon on Monday, from what I saw on the x-ray, she's gonna have to have surgery to set the one bone and stabilize it. IF she does have surgery, she will more than likely need some real pain meds for a day or two and I'm prepared for them to be in the house. They will NOT be where I can see them, I will NOT know where they are.....I honestly think I'm ready for this next challenge on my road to recovery.

If my thoughts start going south on me, I've got a few people I can call who'll come to the house and remove the meds.

So, that's my plan. I'm more excited than nervous, I think that's a good thing!

The best news about all of this is that my daughters foot isn't bothering her, the Advil are completely taking the pain away. She's on the couch, chillin', watching Victorious and grubbin' on some breakfast.

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 11:20 am 
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Romeo, Romeo, Where for art thou Romeo....Deny those pills and refuse to get high!!!!!

LOL, I'm just goofin'. Seriously, you did really great! Just the fact that you told your wife what was going on in your brain was a HUGE step up! Like someone else said, a month ago I wouldn't have told what I was thinking and then would have switched them out. In fact I did do that a couple months ago with some liquid Tylenol 3 my son got from the dentist, then I refilled the bottle with plain liquid tylenol. Not exactly what I wanted but it got me through a day of withdrawals with a little comfort. I know it sucks, knowing that we would steal our own kids medicine that they might need for pain. What can I say? I'm a freakin' addict. If you had wanted to you could have very easily gotten to those pills. You did the right thing. And I know it wasn't an easy decision. I bet all the way home from the hospital your mind was spinning trying to figure out what to do. I for one recognize this as a victory in the battle for you! Good job!


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 12:21 pm 
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Hey buddy,,,,,,,,,,
Youve already gotten alot of good support here, so that should make you feel much better already!!!

It sux that we cant just 'turn off' the addict button doesnt it????

You already know you cant help it, I mean, they were in the HOUSE for fuck sake!!!!!

I probly woulda failed, and not said anything!!!!!

Aparently, when I got my teeth pulled thursday, the dentist "assistant" called in some 5mg oxy along with my antibiotics and peridex (rinse)

I didnt even know, My husband told me today. He said he called the dentist office on his way home and told them to cancel that script. He ran to rite aid to get my Rx's while I was at home sleeping, after the procedure.

Who knows what WOULDA happened.
I think thats whats SOOOOOOOO important about having the 'net' of your family and friends.

You should be SO proud of yourself. But I know its hard.

I really hope everything goes great with your daughter (as well as can be expected anyway!)
And Im really happy the ibprofen is taking care of the pain!!

TRY to have a good day!!!!!!!!!

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PostPosted: Thu May 03, 2012 7:01 pm 
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romeo' sorry i forgot and i hope your daughter is healing fast and feeling better. i still think you got about as deep in to your self as anyone can get" staying sober is not easy and you did it.

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PostPosted: Thu May 03, 2012 10:20 pm 
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Hey johnboy, my daughter is doing good. Turns out she did not need surgery (YAY!), but she is in a cast for a while (BOO!!!). She is HORRIBLE on crutches, she has the coordination of a druken sailor!! :lol:

The orthopaedist said the bones should heal fine on their own, it's just gonna take a little time obviously. The thing that floors me is that she only ever used Advil for her pain and only for two or three days.....remarkable. If it were me, I'd be screaming for a morphine drip PLUS OxyContin....STAT!!

Thanks for the compliment on my recovery. I have come a long way, that's for sure, but I still have a long way to go. It took me quite a long time to figure out that a cup that was already full can not be added to. My cup was full of me and my bullshit thinking, it took a good while to even get a little bit of me and my crap poured out of that cup to where I could let in some real recovery, but it's happening....FINALLY!! I promise you, undoing 43 years of stupid is not an easy task, but I also promise you this.....I REFUSE TO GIVE UP.

I saw your post about the pain you're experiencing, I wanted to respond, but I really didn't have anything intelligent to say on the matter, so I left it alone. I hope you're able to make some progress with it.

Take care, man.

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PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2012 7:02 am 
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i am very glad to hear your daughter didnt need surgery and is doing better thats wonderful. it is amazing how kids are so better at handling pain. as far as the crutches did they say how long she will b on them or is it just till the cast is off? i really want to thank the ladies about posting taking their kids meds. damn i thought i was the only one who did that. has eaten me up with guilt. so ty for sharing it is a real good thing this is here for me lol cause its helping a bunch


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PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2012 6:42 pm 
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What really stands out is that you know you cannot trust yourself. That, to me, speaks volumes about your progress and your recovery.

Look at it as a phase. Almost everyone goes through this on suboxone. The unlucky ones take the pills don't feel anything and then feel the guilt, all that guilt and no high. Stupid addict brain indeed.

It does get easier, I promise.

That's why I love this drug for my addict brain. If I wanted to get high on lortabs I'd have to stop suboxone long enough to feel crappy, and even then, the tiny amount of opiates in them would barely be noticed. Then! right back on suboxone cursing myself for days.

Thinking about it is fine, you can't help that. You are an addict after all.


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PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2012 9:13 pm 
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Hey wisharerererer (Gosh, even if my life depended on it, I just can not pronounce your name correctly! I think I'll just start calling you wishy. :D ) As of today, she is sentenced to the three more weeks of hard time on crutches.....poor thing. The cast comes off then too (if the x-rays agree) and she'll get a walking boot. She's milking this whole cast thing for all it's worth. She's all, "daddy, will you get me some potato chips, I'm hungry." Daddy says, OK sweetie. No sooner do I sit down and she says, "daddy, will you get me a drink?"....again, daddy says OK sweetie. That's not the worst of it, though. The part that's get annoying is that she has taken over MY chair.....it's more comfy for her foot she says. Grrrr!!! And it's not just me that she has suckered into being her maid, my wife is getting it too, although she's much better at saying no to her. When I say no to my daughter, she gives me those eyes (you know the kind) and it's like all logic goes out the window and I do what she says. :lol:

I'm glad the others shared about their experience with taking their kids meds, I'm so happy that it has made you feel more comfortable. You mentioned how doing that had you eaten up with guilt. During my recovery, I have found one of the most rewarding (and hardest things to do) is to learn to forgive ourselves. For me, forgiving others is usually fairly easy, but forgiving myself wasn't so easy, but it is crucial to my recovery.

Thanks for asking about my daughter, that was very kind of you.

Hi MrMatt, thanks for the kind words, they're much appreciated. BTW, 30 days from today marks 2 years off of Suboxone for me.

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PostPosted: Sat May 05, 2012 9:24 am 
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that was the funniest description about you and your daughter!! i was sitting here cheesing and got to the part about your chair and laughed out loud. ty i needed that. i could almost see it... her there in your chair being a princess its too funny. your a great dad. i am happy she is recovering so well. lol as far as wishy that fine. i too cant say very well i dont know why that name i was thinking of sharing the same wish for a good life hence wish-sharer. my kids tell me i need to change it cause it doesnt make sense but i can hardly get here to type a response let alone edit anything. i really just wanted to say thanks for such a good laugh this morning i actually read it around 5 am and it started my day off well and been smiling since


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PostPosted: Sat May 05, 2012 11:38 am 
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wisharer wrote:
i really want to thank the ladies about posting taking their kids meds. damn i thought i was the only one who did that. has eaten me up with guilt. so ty for sharing it is a real good thing this is here for me lol cause its helping a bunch


Hey Wishy...(taking Romeo's lead on this one!) You are very welcome for the honesty. After all, if we can't be honest here where can we? We all did really shitty things I'm sure. The guilt sucks...my therapist keeps telling me I have to forgive myself. I know in my head that is true, but it keeps resurfacing. I know eventually I will deal with it, it's all still new for me too. Anyway...I cracked up reading about Romeo's daughter too. Sounds just like mine! And the eyes....yep I know EXACTLY what you mean!


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PostPosted: Sat May 05, 2012 6:55 pm 
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I keep forgetting to mention this, I guess that's because I haven't been dwelling on it?

Since my close encounter with drugs of the third kind the other day, I haven't become obsessive over getting some pills. For a period of 20 or 25 minutes the other day, I was locked and loaded, I was going to get my hands on those pills and use and even the fact that they were taken out of my proximity usually would not have been enough to fully unlock and unload me. Had an episode like that taken place a year ago, I would have been well on my way to a relapse.

This time, however, it all kinda just fizzled out. I've had ZERO serious thoughts about getting a pill. What a change from a year ago!!

For any of you struggling with cravings, whether you're on Suboxone or Methadone or nothing, work some kind of recovery and it will get better. It may take a while, but it gets better.

Wishy and qhorsegal, I'm glad my previous post gave y'all a laugh. (She's sitting in MY chair as I type this!!)

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PostPosted: Sun May 06, 2012 2:13 pm 
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Romeo wrote:
Hi MrMatt, thanks for the kind words, they're much appreciated. BTW, 30 days from today marks 2 years off of Suboxone for me.


That's awesome. That makes your story even more impressive to me.

After I read the comment I remembered you were off suboxone, I know I had read it before. Sorry, I just forgot. Unfortunately I don't know everyone as well as I should. Maybe I should make a cheat sheet or notecards. :)


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PostPosted: Mon May 07, 2012 4:05 am 
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Romeo wrote:
I keep forgetting to mention this, I guess that's because I haven't been dwelling on it?

Since my close encounter with drugs of the third kind the other day, I haven't become obsessive over getting some pills. For a period of 20 or 25 minutes the other day, I was locked and loaded, I was going to get my hands on those pills and use and even the fact that they were taken out of my proximity usually would not have been enough to fully unlock and unload me. Had an episode like that taken place a year ago, I would have been well on my way to a relapse.

This time, however, it all kinda just fizzled out. I've had ZERO serious thoughts about getting a pill. What a change from a year ago!!

For any of you struggling with cravings, whether you're on Suboxone or Methadone or nothing, work some kind of recovery and it will get better. It may take a while, but it gets better.

Wishy and qhorsegal, I'm glad my previous post gave y'all a laugh. (She's sitting in MY chair as I type this!!)


Woohoo progress!!!

I like to think of it this way. Every time we overcome a challenge and refuse the desire to use, and successfully abstain, the healthy "recovery" circuits in our brain get strengthened and come closer to overpowering our old addictive short-circuits. On one level, recovery is a process of our brain re-growing and re-strengthening healthy circuits. Sooner or later we reach a stage where it becomes more natural to abstain than it is to indulge. We always still have that "addictive circuit" (hence the 12-step idea of always being an addict, which is one way of putting it), it's just the pathways around it get stronger every day we stay clean.

Eventually, stupidity, complacency or periods of unexpected stress and illness (HALTS?) are the things that can bring us undone regardless of clean time.


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PostPosted: Mon May 07, 2012 10:00 am 
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Those are some interesting points and I've been pondering a couple of them. 1)--I used to always hear in NA how a drug addict NOT using drugs is in an unnatural state of being....it's quite natural for us to use drugs. I remember laddertipper continually pounding into my head that one day I would get to the point where I didn't think of drugs all the time and I honestly thought she was nuts, but what I've found lately is that it has become natural for me NOT to use drugs, that's obviously a massive shift in my thinking and I agree with you, my recovery "circuits" are getting stronger. I've built recovery into my everyday life. Simple things really, like keeping myself balanced, being patient with myself and my recovery, exercising and lifting weights regularly, avoiding triggers whenever possible, not giving myself too much "downtime" and finally coming to the conclusion that I can not use drugs successfully are some of the things I can think of off the top of my head that are helping me a lot. Having a supportive family and friends plays a huge role in this also. They provide me with some accountability.....accountability that I don't necessarily have towards myself, but I do to them, if that makes any sense?

2)---the knowledge that no matter where I am in my recovery or how much clean time I have does NOT mean that I'm protected from a future relapse. This one honestly scares me a bit. I would imagine after years and years clean, it's kinda hard not to get complacent with our recovery and that fact does worry me some. I know I can't get complacent, but I've seen so many others do it and it worries me. Maybe that's a good thing that it worries me, maybe that will help me to not be complacent?

I'm gonna go ahead and say that almost every sinlge person on this forum has helped me in my recovery in one way or another. Some of the help has been direct and stinging at times, some of it quite compassionate and some of the help I've received was simply by reading others stories/posts. For me, that combination of aid has helped me so much.

Thank you to each and every one of you who have or are particiapting in this forum.

OK, I'm gettin' all misty eyed now, I think we need a group hug!!

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