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PostPosted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 8:55 am 
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k i am brand new on here and i really feel i need to post this because i have truly got myself in a situation. I've been addicted to oxycontin for 5 years.been to two rehabs.most recently7 months ago.i got out stayed sober for about 3 months and relapsed due to staying in touch with friends from rehab who'd relapsed.
OK. i relapsed and i was desperate so i tryed suboxone.which i had swore against for some reason before. and i fully realize what an amazing thing it is. I had my life back.working full time at a decent job.paying my bills. and in the midst i started working 3rd shift.which totally alienated me from the world. and realized that i was craving again..
one payday i picked up my check and didnt take any sub before i fell asleep.woke up and relapsed on o.c.. and would stay on o.c until i ran outta money..then go back to subs...i have to say im still paying my bills and duty...but.now my mind knows that there is a way for me to still use.AND be a decent person..BIG MISTAKE..so..every payday..i switch for about a week and do my thing..then go back on sub till next payday...this is TEARING UP MY BODY and mind..i cant imagine how bad it is to truly relapse two to three times a month..im being pulled and pushed all over..I really needed to share this with people because i cant find another forum like this..and i know (hope) im not the only one..im a complete ass and im aware..but at this point. im working on figuring out how i can kick both in a detox with no insurance....ahg..the politics of addiction..whata vicious cycle.. THANK YOU all for listening to me babble on..i pray that i dont hear a bunch of ignorant angry replies..but if so..bring em on...[b]thanks so much


p.s.. i did NA meetings for a few months faithfully.but i live in a small town and our groups are made up of nomore than 15 people who are surprisingly very close minded..not supportive at all....time to check out a.a i suppose in the future


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 10:00 am 
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Hi sho0hio22,
Like the title say's there will be NO ignorant angry replies From ME! I will however WELCOME you to the Forum. :D I would suggest that you look around and read some of the post' that are out here. Maybe one of them will sound like your story and you can see how that person is dealing with addiction... I know I don't have to tell you that the current cycle that you are on is a Highway to NOWHERE!!!!!! If you could share a little more information about yourself (nothing personal that would indentify you) i.e. do you have any support, family, spouse,(partner) any consueling other than NA etc.? You will find that there are many caring people out here and MANY have been thru something similar to what you are going thru....
It sounds like to me that you know you should change the way you are living and just maybe you will hear someone or something here that will get you pointed in the right direction??? I wish you the best of luck in finding whatever it is that you are lookiing for!! I can only hope that RECOVERY is what you are looking for... Please keep in touch and let US know how you are doing..... :!:

God Bless
TW


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 10:20 am 
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well..thank you so much 4 ur kindness..ur sweet lol.. im 21 yrs old..recently moved back in with the parents after living on my own in fla. for 4 years..thats where i got into the pills and drama..im running circles now..the last rehab i went to my insurance dropped out on me..so that is a big wall that is in my damn way..im in a lot of debt..as far as support..my family is in complete denial..they know.and they down play it..even if i could get some advice on anybodys experience or knowledge about treatment ideas LOWCOST..i know that is an oxymoron..but hey...nothing 2 lose


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 12:07 pm 
Hi Sho and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you're in such a predicament. I don't think you are alone in it. I have a feeling there are probably lots more people than we think who are doing what you've been doing. First of all, give yourself credit for your willingness to admit that it isn't good and that you need to stop it. Part of getting better from addiction involves working on giving up the shame and guilt associated with our bad behavior in active addiction....and that is where you are - in active addiction. You've gotten some recovery in the past and you know how it feels to live in recovery. Unfortunately, you've fallen in with the great majority of addicts and relapsed. The odds were against you from the beginning, so try not to feel too bad about it.
What matters now, is that you get back into recovery. You've already found a major tool to accomplish this....Suboxone. It sounds like you've been educated about addiction. You've been to rehab, participated in meetings, seen a doctor and gotten on Suboxone, etc. You've just got to put all that education and experience back into practice. Sure....much easier said than done. I wish I could tell you exactly what the key to doing that would be, but I think it's different from one person to the next. I do believe that the longer one is able to stick with just taking their Sub as directed the easier it gets to avoid relapse. You may need to go to one trusted individual, confess what you've been doing and ask for help. You need some accountability in your life. Someone you can trust to monitor your finances, maybe, so that you do not have extra cash to obtain oxy. Someone to monitor and verify that you're taking your Suboxone every single day. That may have to come by going inpatient somewhere for several months. Most of us can't afford to do that and would have to find another way of accomplishing something similar to that. Ultimately it comes down to you. You've got to ask yourself "how bad do I want this?" If and when you get tired of living this way I think you'll be able to do better. The other thing you've got to figure out is why you still feel the need or want to get high....aside from the fact that it feels good. What are you trying so hard not to feel? What issues do you need to work through? You are probably going to need to get a therapist to help you work through this stuff.
You are very young and you know you don't want to continue on this way. You don't have to. I have a feeling you know a lot of this already. It's just a matter of making up your mind to stop it before it gets more out of control and you lose more than you already have. You say your family is in denial. It may be time to sit down and talk to them about what you've been up to. They may be more willing to help than you think. I hope so.
Anyway, I'm glad you're here and I wish I had more for you. We're all in the same boat to one degree or another and we're all here to support you. I hope you'll make up your mind today to do whatever it takes to get your disease back into remission. That's all we can hope for. As you have learned....it doesn't magically go away.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 9:09 pm 
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I'm having the exact same issue at the moment. I have been addicted to opiates for about 5 years now. I have chronic back pain and sciatica with a failed surgery in there. I began taking pills for the pain (prescribed by the Dr.) and by the time it was all over I was using heroin. I finally said enough last august and got on suboxone. I was clean from all drugs (I had to quite smoking weed and casual coke and ecstasy use) for 4 months.... then relapsed. For the past 3 months I’ve been taking suboxone until I get paid, then using heroin until I run out of money and go back on the suboxone. You’re not the only one this is happening to. Its suck, I never have money for anything and all I can think about is when I get paid next so I can get high. I have to fake my drug tests at the suboxone clinic and everything. I know the back pain is a trigger for me to take the heroin, and my back feels so much better when I'm on it, but I know something else is going on there, but me and my shrink can't figure out what. I'm not honest with anyone. I feel like I’m living a lie... because I guess I am. It's depressing me just to write this. currently I’m on the suboxone (until I get paid) or I probably wouldn't have even been on this site today... it's been a long time since I've posted on here, which was only a few time's anyway. I feel empty without the opiates and just want to crawl into bed when I get home.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 9:19 pm 
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Drowning, I'm glad you came back. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. But look what you've done - you've been able to offer support to someone! While reaching out for support yourself. That's a really good step. Same goes for you, sho.
I've not been in your exact shoes but i can try to empathize. I hear the frustration and the chaos in your posts.
I'm no doctor or medical professional, but each time maybe try to stick with the suboxone for longer. Eventually I think you can get there.

This may not help either of you in the least, but at least know that we are listening to you and here to support you.

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 9:39 pm 
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I think people have already made some excellent comments for both of you in this position. I wish I could say that I understand but I don't because I haven't done it. I am certainly not judging, it is just hard for me to give you any advice that would actually help you.

The only question I have is why not? and what if? Why not just stay on the suboxone and what would happen if you did? I guess I am curious to hear more about this. Why doesn't it work for you or what prevents it from working? At some point I would think you would have to stop sub for a bit in order to take heroin or oxy. Why not get more sub? What are you thinking when that is happening? What are you telling yourself? Why isn't the suboxone enough (what does your mind say to you about this)?

I am not a counselor or a medical professional either. But seeing as both of you seem willing to be honest here, it is probably a good place to start.

Cherie


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 10:11 pm 
Hi shoOhio and drowning,
I think I can identify with how you feel, even thougn I'm not in that cycle myself at the present time. In the 5+ months I have been on Sub I did stop taking it for a few days on three seperate occaisions and used my d.o.c. I've been trying hard lately to stay on the "straight and narrow". I'm taking my Sub every day, trying to be a good Mom, taking care of my responsibilites, etc. But honestly, I feel like if I had access to any drugs I'd be high right now.

I don't know what it is that's eating at me. I just feel like every day is a stuggle to get through and I have this fantasy that getting high would make me feel so much better. I've been coming to this forum every day and posting a lot. I'm not attending NA partly because I'm so leary after reading some of the experiences posted in the other threads. (Back when I used to attend many years ago, even taking anti-depressants was somewhat controversial).

Anyway, I'm kind of on my own. I'm not in any kind of therapy, and those close to me don't understand what I'm going through. The only thing keeping me going is that every day I put an orange pill under my tongue is a day I can't use, so I just keep taking it. I'm trying to feel grateful that I even HAVE access to sub, because there are so many people out there suffering. But I just feel like I'm "white knuckling it". Just trying to hold on and get through another day without using. I'm sure this isn't too helpful, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in how you feel.
I wish you the best,
Lilly


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 8:25 am 
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thank you guys soo much for all the replys and im crazy glad im not the only one doing this crazy stuff..mr.ms..drowning..im on exactly the same level it seems like..i also have been on for about 5 years..and its a rediculous cycle..i guess..just the thought that when my check comes..those couple days that i blow ALL my money on helps me get through the other 15 of being on suboxone..its completely rediculous..and..who knows i am broke still..but i look @ it this way im paying my bills this way.instead of having to go out and steal from my loved ones like i did when i was younger..i have suboxone to fall back on..its just basically another excuse for an addict..god knows.
im in alot of debt and all that ..the thought of starting all over..with my sobriety and another job sounds completely exhausting not to mention next to impossible..
and ditto Lily,..i;ve been there white knuckling it all the way before..keep doing it though girl its completely worth it.pray or do whatever is your choice..read..relax..get around your kids..i know i know..same thing u hear from everyone..just dont let it go

IM SORRY ITS TAKEN so long for me to reply hope you guys are still around...and thanks so much for the posts..i dnt think i'd get any..this was my first post on here..figured what could i lose


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 16, 2010 11:28 am 
Hey, I'm glad you came back. If you check this forum regularly I think it will help motivate you to stick with the Sub. It does help me. When I look back at what I wrote, I probably should have said the the 3 times I attempted to get high didn't really work for me. I got slightly buzzed for a very short period of time. And I did end up confessing to my Dr. that I used. Sub drives your tolerance sky high in addition to continuing to block for days after you stop taking it. You mentionned blowing a ton of money. I'm thinking you must be using an awful lot in order to get high between weeks of Sub usage. Is it worth it or do you feel really regretful afterward? Can you picture what you would do with your money if you didn't blow it on drugs on payday? Believe me, I'm not judging you I'm just trying to help you find some inner motivation to just stay on the Sub on payday. I know from experience the drive to get high is strong.
Keep us posted,
Lilly


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 16, 2010 12:55 pm 
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Hi guys,
I completely understand how you feel and just wanted to post to let you know that you are not alone. I live in Canada and do not know one other person on sub, so I feel very alone, or maybe that is just an excuse.

Anyway, I had a horrible time inducting on sub, I think because I was on such a high dose of oxy's, not really sure. It took me trying 4 times before I finally felt okay. Even then, I felt very much like Lilly, and I think it hs to do with a lack of support. I relapsed several times, and every time was awful. it took a ton of oxy to even feel it, and then I was terrrified of O'ding because I had taken so much. Just before Christmas I think I did OD and it scared me to death, and everyone around me. That didn't really stop me though because again at March break, a friend with a new script dropped by and I did it again. This time though, I had not planned it, and had already taken my sub that morning. So, 2 80's of oxy did nothing. So, stupid me bought a pile more, and all it did was make me very sick. I threw up so much that I thought I was going to hurt myself. I was really sick for like 5 days and ruined my whole time off on Spring break and I had a ton of things that i had planned to do. Well, that was the end. I called all my friends with scripts and begged them to stay away.

I am doing a lot better now. I am trying to be honest, and have started writing on this forum, so hopefully I can do better now. Sub in Canada is a little different, it is white and comes in blister packages and boxes of 7, so I am thinking that 7 8mg subs is supposed to be a weeks worth. There are not very many docs that prescribe sub in Ontario, Canada. I found one clinic in Toronto, and one in Ottawa, and both of them require you to go daily to pick up your dose for 6 months. 8 mg is the max dose for a day. I talked my doc in to prescribing it, but he has been my doc for over 20 years and know the struggles I have had with addiction. He had been prescribing me hydromorph and I had to see him weekly. I think he was relieved when I discovered the sub, cause he writes scripts for two months. If he only knew the trouble I have been having.

Anyway, sorry, didn't mean to write a book. I hope things get better for you soon. I know what a struggle it can be. There are so many people out there that are dying to get on sub, literally. Try and think of that, at least that is what I do. My friends that are still using really don't want to, and are scared and know it's gotten way out of control. They don't have access to sub. A couple of them begged me for some, but I am not doing that. I don't want to lose it. I am the only one in the whole city that is prescribed it so if anyone else was caught with it, it would n't take much of an investigation to figure out where it came from. Anyway, sorry there I go off rambling again.

keep in touch with us. that will help. you too Lilly. Gotta go, my class is back,
Ginger


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 16, 2010 7:40 pm 
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Ginger - I don't know where you are at in Canada but you could always cross over and get the sub in the US so you don't have to go in every day. Or the other people you know could always cross over. Depending on where at because I am sure up in Bellingham or Lynden WA there are sub providers. It costs money but it is worth it and still less than an addiction generally speaking.

For those of you who are in this terrible predicament, I empathize. I can totally hear the pain in your words. I think the same treatment options exist regardless and there is no quick fix. In my opinion, your best option is to find a way to take the sub regularly so you can't get high. Someone suggested having someone hold it for you. Ask someone to watch you take it every day. Then you can't get high and you would only be wasting your money. Or when you get paid, give your money to someone. You have to make the choice to do it and at least with the suboxone you don't have to go through withdrawals. In my opinion, you are better off making a plan to take the subs long term and regularly than you are trying to get off of everything.

Cherie


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 17, 2010 4:06 am 
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your so very rite lilly..i am damn ashamed after all of this..everytime..realizing suboxone DOES make your tolerance go up quite a bit..which is good..in my case tho your rite im blowing alot more money that i would in the past...so i think im coming to a point where im gonna try and find someone to hold my check for me..dont quote me on that yet..lol..baby steps at a time...
and ginger thats gotta be super rough being up there and being hard to find a doctor..idk how it is up there..but if that were the case in the u.s.. you better watch your script that noone takes it...its a good thing you found this forum i suppose you gotta vent your feelings and get feed back somewhere..and since its not so widespread in canada..well you catch my drift....thanks guys


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 21, 2010 2:21 am 
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You know, recovery is a sticky thing. I'm not fully sure why this keep's happening to me, but I kind of have an idea. Like many others, I discovered Suboxone the street's before being prescribed it by a doctor. I was addicted for many many years before I even heard about Suboxone, but I was introduced to it in the last year of my addiction. Suboxone was introduced to me for a friend as a way to not get sick wile you wait for your pain prescription to get filled again. Before sub’s, I would run out of my medication about 2-3 days before I could get it filled again depending on how much I ate. I knew the repercussions and how horribly sick I would get so I’d try to only run out a day or two before I’d get my refill… it was 2 days of hell, but it’s what I had to go through. Most of the time having to call off of work and feeling like I was going to die. After I found subs, I’d run out weeks before my refill date cause I knew I could take the subs and not get sick. I was still able to make it to work and everything. Towards the end, the doctor would give me a 3 months prescription of oc’s and I’d run out in 3-4 weeks and then take subs off the street for the next 2 months before my next prescription.

So, I guess my brain’s been wired to think of subs as a means to get by until you get high instead of a tool for recovery. I guess I’m paying for it now.


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 21, 2010 7:30 am 
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In my opinion, when you get to a point where you want to quit getting high and are truly done with that life, you find a sub doctor and explain what you have been doing, that you need to be called in for random UA's and pill counts and start doing things the right way. That may be your only chance to get out of active addiction.....really tight monitoring.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 29, 2010 11:44 pm 
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I've been doing a bit better. I've been on my subs for about a week now which is longer than normal for me lately. My money situation is all messed up to do spending it all on dope. My friends are going on a little vacation in June that we normely do about every year. I wont be able to make it if i keep messing around and spending my money on dope.... so i'm kind of using this to keep me in line. I need to watch my money until then so I can make it on the trip and have a good time with them. So i'm trying my hardest to stay on track. My last check (last friday) I didn't pick anything up, so that's a start.

I need a little vacation to make me feel normal again. I hide in my room when I use and no one see's me... it would be nice to go out with the crew again.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 30, 2010 10:53 am 
Hey, I'm glad you're back. When I first got on Subs I think it took me maybe 3 weeks or so to really stabilize (even though I did feel better right away). If you've only been going on it for a week or less maybe you really haven't given it enough time to see what it can do for you. I hope you will this time because I think it can really help you if you give it a chance. I was also wondering, will the vacation be a "partying" vacation. I mean, are you just staying clean to save up enough to use again? Sub can be a great tool if you really want recovery. I know others have used it as a stop gap measure to continue using, but it never works out in the long run. Someone alluded to using it that way on another thread recently. Maybe they post about how they got out of that cycle and stuck to the Subs.
Good luck,
Lilly


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