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 Post subject: My story
PostPosted: Mon Oct 05, 2009 12:30 am 
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So to start out with my story. I am still quite young. I am only 19 but i have been fighting opiate addiction since i was 14...I grew up in a little town in washington state north of seattle. And in this town there are two things that the teens do in this town. become addicted to drugs or die. the thing i havent figured out yet though is am I a lucky one for just getting off with just an addiction. Or would i have been better off being just another teen suicide/accident/OD? i mean i dont wish that I would have died or anything but at times im not gunna lie i wish i would have...but on with the story.


I started out pretty young. getting expelled from school for smoking pot in the bathroom in sixth grade. Seventh grade i got busted with a bunch of xanax bars on me that i stole from my mother. In 8th grade multiple suspensions for cigs,alcohol,pot, DXM, even cocaine. So my middle school years were trashed. But my first opiate venture was freshman yr when one of my buddys caught his hand on fire while making french fries. And he ended up getting 30 vicodin 5s so we snorted em. popped em. and then he told his mom he lost the bottle so we ended up gettin another bottle of 25 and we did those. We killed all 55 of those vic 5s in less than 48 hrs between 2 of us. Then In december of 2005 one of my best friends endin up dying in an accident it was a rope swing that hung over a bluff that swung u up about 100 maybe ft up in the air. and the only thing below u was a gnarly rocky beach. so he slipped off and yeah. Not pretty. so i am just torn up Uberly and i didnt know how to feel better i started getting panic attacks and a lil anxiety. so then xtc came into the picture. horrible 6 months for me there. and in that time fram another friend hung himself and then another crashed his car into a house going 140 mph. and instantly died. so yeah Shit sucks by now yaknow? then i find out about cocaine/crack. And wow that blew the xtc out of the water. atleast with xtc i was hanging out with ppl and goin to raves. The coke and crack just kept me in my room wanting to die. It was like the lost friends were haunting me and the coke made it worse... so after this addiction...(9 months later) i found about oxys. and i was smoking 2-3 80 mg oxys a day by the 2nd week of regular use. when i could buy 20 mgs and i was good all day. 80mgs would keep me at a good lvl for more then 4 hours by this time. and then i found out about tha Black. and started smokin that cuz u could get as high as a 80mg of oxy for half the price. and smoked both for a couple months then one day said why smoke it its a waste? lets step it up a notch and my grandmother was a diabetic. was. key word. god bless her soul. so i got my rigs and tried it out and was in love. i started that in december 07. and just astarted loosing it i self detoxed a couple times but i had a 1.5 gram habit. this last time i tried to kick i was taking 1.3 gram shots 3-4x a day into my femerol, and the heroin addiction was the worst feeling i have ver been through i have never felt so worthless and screwed up and insane and just off the wall ever in my entire life. but now that i am takin 20mgs of suboxone a day i have been feeling way better. i have been on the suboxone for 2 months now and i have recently notice my anxiety lvls have gone off the charts and i need to figure something out cuz i was on 6mgs of clonopin a day, 2mgs every 6-8 hrs. but i need to figure out a way to be able to take my benzos cuz right now i feel like i could use them over the suboxone...sorry my usage of the heroin isnt very distinct or detailed. to tell you the truth i dont remember very well and what i do remember i dont like talking about. but thank you for reading this if anyone actually does. lol jk but thank you and i am looking forward to the support. :)


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 05, 2009 2:12 am 
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if you need medicane to help with your anxiety then talk to your dr about that. im sure most wont want to overperscribe benzo's to someone on suboxone or any opiate for that matter but if you need them then you should have them no matter what. you already know they helped from previous usage so try talking to him about that


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 05, 2009 8:03 pm 
k.schulz - Glad you posted your story. Sounds like you've already lived a lifetime full of pain at the ripe old age of 19! It's always been interesting to me how vastly different people's lives are - depending so much on where you have been and who you were born to or raised by.
My life (I'm way way older than you, more than twice your age) and the lives of my kids (about your age) are so very different from yours. You'd probably call it "sheltered" but the truth is no matter where or how you live, drugs and alcohol are out there, and can and will, if allowed, destroy us all.
I am so sorry for all you've been through. A lot of it, you have had zero control over, but some of it has been a result of the choices you made along the way. I'm sure you feel the same way I do - I wish I had never taken that first pain pill. If I had known what it would lead to, I wouldn't have done it. And, being a child when your addiction started, you never had a chance! You hadn't even matured enough at that age to really comprehend the consequences of your behavior. I am so sorry that someone didn't intervene on your behalf sooner.
But somehow or another, here you are - trying to get better! I applaud you for that and I hope you have some good support. I also hope that, in addition to Suboxone, you are getting some therapy to help you deal with all the losses you have seen and all the hurt you must have inside. No wonder you have some anxiety/panic going on!!
In my opinion there are better ways of dealing with anxiety than benzos and I hope you'll discuss your options with your doctor and get some help with that.
You've been off opiates for a couple of months and that's a great start. I would imagine that this is the closest thing to "normal" that you have ever been. I hope it feels good enough that you're able to keep up the good work!
The upside of being so young is that you've still got so much time to get your life straightened out and start really living. I hope you're able to get away from any destructive friends you may still have and just start over. Go to school, set some goals for yourself and get busy! Show everyone you can do better!
Best of luck! Keep us posted on how you're doing.


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 Post subject: Look to the light
PostPosted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 12:34 pm 
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You're only 19 and have gone through more than most people will in a lifetime! I don't blame you for feeling bad! But you have obviously turned a corner just by coming on this forum and talking about it, so that seems to be a great start. Now you are seeing life with a clear eye, so start looking for the good things and leave all that black despair behind. This site is unique in that it provides a safe haven where we can share our experiences and support each other with advice and moral uplift, and everyone so far has been extremely welcoming . There is certainly nothing like it in the UK where I live.
You have a whole life ahead of you. We all make poor choices at times, the thing to do is to learn from each experience, good or bad and apply the lessons learned to the future.
Wishing you all the best in your fight for sobriety,
Sneaky


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