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 Post subject: My Story.
PostPosted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 1:41 pm 
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Being bored and a new poster, I figure why not explain my downfall.

Well, I had a relatively normal childhood, my parents were divorced, I lived with my mom and played video games all day with my friends. I was a huge nerd, discovered Final Fantasy at an early age and that truly, was my first addiction. All day at school I awaited the second I was off to continue my journey in a fantasy world. It was wonderful. My parents were just like any other parents, my mom worked a full time job and didn't spend much time with me, hell she didnt even help with my homework. I only saw my dad every other weekend, but he was my idol, I loved spending time with my dad no matter what we were doing. Eventually as he grew older he would explain his own stories of abuse and his struggles with drugs. Anyways, I never did much else of anything besides play games and play with friends until I hit high school, then I met a group of friends which introduced me to weed. Like anybody else I caught on quickly and enjoyed the social stigma that came with hanging out with friends smoking pot. It was fun and I liked it. I never thought it would lead anywhere else as I thought I had strong will power. After a year or so of that I decided I wanted to try other things, like hallucinogens. I quickly was able to find some Cubensis mushrooms and split them with my best friend. We had the time of our lives, laughed, appreciated life and woke up the next day thinking to ourselves that we were lucky to have such wonderful lives. After Mushrooms, I quickly moved on to Cocaine, I mean quickly.. I don't even know how I was able to get it so young. That was a drug that I liked so much at first, but could never stick with it, I hated not being able to sleep and as much as I did it all the time with my friends, I never once liked it enough to do it more than once in a great while. After experimenting with so many drugs I had two specific encounters with mushrooms where I completely blacked out, left the house I was out and went on a complete rampage, I screamed at people, threw things, and eventually made it to a major intersection and threw my shoes at cars. The cops were called on me and I was brought home, eventually fessing up to being completely torn on mushrooms. After that I never wanted to do a drug again. At this time I was probably about 16 or 17 and my dad, who had diabetes and a couple of other problems was getting sick more and more often. I stopped doing harder drugs, and stuck with pot, my dad smoked with me after I was about 17 and I used to go to his house, take him to hospital visits and at this point his kidneys were getting really bad and he was in and out of the hospital many times a month, and I was his main way of transportation. I didn't mind it, I loved any time spent with my dad and loved him so much but it hurt to see him in pain. After being stable and just smoking pot and completing school, I was at my friends house one night, my phone had died and usually my dad who was really sick at the time would call me and let me know his status as he was at the time on dialysis every other day and needed my help. Well, my phone was dead, and I was too busy hanging out with my friends like an asshole. I went to my dads house, and he had died. This was the hardest thing I had ever encountered in my life. My idol, my father was lying on the couch dead, and I felt all of it was my fault, my siblings were all off in college, and I was the one to keep care of him, and I was too busy being a stupid kid.
I really hate myself for letting that happen, and as much as everyone says that it isn't my fault, and my dad was so sick, he didnt want to live in a hospital and he knew it was going to happen. But still, I hate myself to this day for not going over there earlier. I lived in solitute for about 48 hours, I didnt speak, I couldnt sleep, I didn't want to live. I still cannot believe that happened, I was only 18. My father, only 50. I can't even stay on the subject now....
After months gone by I acquired a job, but everything was draped in a sort of gray cover, I didnt care about anything, I didnt enjoy anything, I just worked, came home, smoked pot, and hid my feelings from anybody. I eventually met my girlfriend of whom I'm still with and found happiness, she listened to me, understood everything and helped me deal with my feelings of resentment. Something I still struggle with. We started out abstaining from everything together, and were good at it, but eventually we decided to start smoking pot again. We drank on the weekends with our friends and that was about it, I was a lot happier, but still hiding from my feelings.
Eventually, one of our best friends started selling Norco's. We QUICKLY bought them daily, I enjoyed the way it numbed any sort of feelings, I went from taking one or 2 a day, to like 7-10, and my girlfriends as well, it was a way that I could completely ignore my own self. Eventually we discovered OC, it tore us apart. We would sniff a half between us and were higher than ever before. Eventually that turned into being able to find people that always had it, I had a job where I could borrow money and make lots of money every day, I spent every penny I had and all of my check, and hers every week on it. One OC turned into 2 OCs, that turned into 3, and then the weekends turned into 4-5 a day for myself alone. After that I tried Heroin, anything that numbed my feelings, something I never addressed and think it had a huge part in my addiction. From the time of starting taking Norcos to now has been about 4 years, and I never once quit, every time I did I couldnt resist my impulses, it was just too easy to feel better again. I now have lost my job, my car, and everything I had of value as I have sold everything. I've given my life to this, and it has in turned destroyed mine. I dont even have money to afford a Suboxone doctor, or therapy, or anything that I really need. I know I have a lot of underlying issues and I hope in the future I can recover, my girlfriend has a great sort of insurance and has been able to add me to it. But the hospital we are attending does not like giving out Suboxone as I had stated in another post. We have been given little amounts and Suboxone has given me a sort of positiveness I need right now to abstain, I hope I can continue as I can seriously see light at the end of the this dark long tunnel I have been in for years. I'm sorry for such a long post, but I hope anybody reading this can understand how dangerous one pill can be, and what it can turn into. Every day I think of my dad and how much I enjoyed living every day with him, he was my everything, and when that was gone, my everything became a drug. I was so destructive I didnt mind not making it to 30, I was totally, TOTALLY fine with that. Now, I am beginning to get a different outlook on life.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 4:13 pm 
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Yeah little old Ape had a 200 a week addiction and no way out so I thought. So I attempted suicide and my dad (how ironic hes an addict himself) had me commited to Taylor Drive a mental inst., can u believe I was in a institution a crazy house for a month?I share this with you because it was just another obsticle I had to get through to make me who I am today.I have been to 4 rehabs and a mental institution and I found myself helping others out with addiction and in turn healing myself in the process. .It also helps me to remember that this is a disease I have (like diabetes) and its okay, not the end of the world, so I thought. I had battled addiction for years secrectly but It was day by day killing me.Ive learned that I thrive off helping people and its really good for my well being.My daughter has been through alot(irony) I always said Id never do what my parents did to my child.
I don't drink and was only getting medication from my doctor.But I new early I liked the way these meds were making me feel(opiates,benzo) way too much. It evolved and I found myself relying on meds to get through my day, I didnt get high"feel good"anymore I was just trying to survive. I never saw myself like "those people" at first but when I came to the conclusion that "those people" are not diiferent than me I began to see everything for what it was and boy was it ugly.The mask I wore was of someone who was responsible and had it all together but in reality I was a shell of a person slowly killing myself.I knew what i was but couldn't stop. I eventually tried something "harder"((shootong pills and herion) and if you go there, theres NO turning back.i never did crack(rationlized in my head that those dirty ppl didnt derserve to live) but I really thought herion was okay to do, are you seeing my disassociation from reality, I was sick.I saw things the way I wanted to see them and thought I was strong enough to handle it. It became my best friend, it did everything I wanted it to do, it became more important than my child, but it was lying and cheating me out of life and prescious time with my child. I felt that I had no way out, it had me. It got to the point where I would run out of "dope" and tell myself this is it ,no more, and before I knew it I was withdrawing money and in my car crying on the way to a dealers house asking God to help.You often hear of addicts hitting "Rock bottom" well I hadn't hit mine yet.This is the day my life as I knew it would never be the same.
One day sometime ago I woke up feeling good, I hadn't done anything in about 2 weeks so maybe today I can use safely I had been doing this"clean up thing off and on for years " I could talk myself into using telling myself those other times I used and was miserable well this time is different. so it was just kaitlyn (daughter) and I and I just bought a new car 3 days prior,well "im clean now" I told myself and thought "April, you have permission to use this one time" thats all it took to convince myself. The rush you get in itself from knowing that your planning on using, making those "phone calls" finding the poison was a high in itself. I could go the whole day and feel bad "not normal" because I was clean.Soon as I would get that thought of using it was like I woke up this "monster" inside and was on the road of feeling "normal again". I enjoyed the chase as much as the actual using. Well, i made my hook up phone call, it wasn't this monster on the other end of the line but a friend who happen to have xanax. Thats how I often got "dope" off a girlfriend whose other half sold or from a person in a white lab coat with a prescription pad in one hand and a pen in the other.I rationalized that it was okay because Im not selling myself or stealing for what I wanted. Well Kaitlyn only new this girl as a "friend" of mine so she trusted me to keep her safe and go and visit. There waiting for me were 10 bars of xanax. As soon as I get them in one hand the other hand is putting one in my mouth,by then I was a pro at not having to chase something behind that bitter taste of heaven.We leave after 30 min saying our "good byes" not realizing the traumatic events that were in store for us that night.Make another call from me cell, its my alcoholic father, we are going to visit him. When I would visit him it reminded me of where i come from and it saddend me but always made me look at how much better my life was (not knowing how quick it could be swept up from underneath me).We stayed for half hour an d it hadn't been long before I took the first bar I was popping another. See this drug is like no other, it takes a couple hours to hit its peak so I often found myself wanting to get higher, quicker. So far theres 2 bars(equal to 4 blues or 8 peach) in my system.Im feeling a little more carefree, finding myself wanting to feel social so I visited my mom, by this time Not realizing that I was blacking in and out and have no memory of the events that Im about to experience in my life. I left my mothers (I remember bits and pieces) and visited Angela my sister who lives 4 miles from moms and 4 miles from my house.They told me later on that they suspected something was wrong with me but wouldnt speak up for the fear of me getting mad at them.I made a fool of myself, like a drunk at a bar who needs to either drink cup of coffee or not be served. I was loud and abnoxious, and slowly embarrassing myself in front of my co workers who were visiting her at that time.Angela told me later that she suspected I was using but the last i told her I had been clean for 2 weeks so she trusted me trusted that I stopped. I can't blame my mom or sister for my actions and the upcoming events but I must say i wish one of them had stood up to me,but in all honesty, this defining moment that night is was brought me to my knees.kaitlyn and I get into my car I just bought 3 days prior, its not a new car, it was new to me.Keep in mind I live less than 4 miles from Angela and have completely blacked out but still functioning at "some level". Now its the next day, Ive snapped back to reality while Im riding down the road, I have memories here on out.I have just left the courthouse released from jail not wanting to hear what i did the night before.Walking in my home my sister is there waiting to confront me.My daughter is scared to talk to me, i begin asking questions.Wheres my car? angela why are you here? Why did I just leave Chatams Jailhouse? Why isn't anyone saying anything to me.
Soon I will feel this guilt,this feeling of worthlessness,the feeling of wanting to die. Im still under this haze but have come to enough to recall what comes next.Angela approaches me, madder than Ive ever seen her,her face gets in mine and I get in defense mode.She starts screaming the only words I recall were her "getting custody of kaitlyn" by now I know ive done something detramental but have no idea why my best friend, my sister is threatening to take KK(daughters nickname) away.I lash out like an alpha male because shes threatening to take my baby away from me. I don't remember what was said ,those words pierced through me like fire.I rear back and attack not understanding why I am defending myself.Were pulled apart, she has the last word, and leaves.Im not sure on what just happened and I not realizing how much I didnt want to know was then told very coldly by my husband and child who loved me so much.I was found on 58 west out toward Martinsville incoherent and confused.I had hit a guardrail, ran off the road in woods,back on the road weaving all over the place, people pulling over to let me get by, my child sits fearing for her life.A man in a truck get the courage and drives a halfmile in front of me,using his truck to block me from goin any further. My cell phone had died, so KK couldnt get help while this is happening to her.I must've tried slowing down because the impact of hitting the truck was minor. Its about 10:45 pm.My family was worried sick, i wasnt anywhere to be found and its unlike me not to call or answer my phone, which was dead. A deputy arrives to the scene wondering why I don't reak of alcohol. My sweet Kaitlyn is releaved to see the "men in brown"she is now safe.They attempt a soberity test, later finding out that I couldnt even tell you who i was,no name,no address,embarrassing myself with every word I attempted to speak.Now this is kaitlyns memories from the accident because at that time I am not in this world its as if Im not here,not alive. I try to walk a straight line,touch my nose standing on one leg, failing everythink Ive been asked to attempt.This man in uniform, calls his supervisor not knowing what to do with me,thinking I maybe mentally ill.Luckily Kaitlyn has been taught phone numbers and addresses.She gives the state trooper the deputies supervisor my moms cel number and they call her.Shes feeling distraught,realizing she had let me leave her house hrs before, suspecting I was "high". "Does she have mental problems the officer asks and he explains that her daughter has just been in a bad accident with her grand daughter in the backseat. She managed to give them enough info to call Brian.We had had a fell out when i was at my moms earlier and he was worried and upset with me. Its 12am by now and the cops are still trying to figure out the whole picture.Suspecting drugs even though I have been diagnosed by a doctor they arrest me and state that I had a BAC blood alcohol level of 0.18. 2 times over legal limit. Brian visits the accident and comforts Kaitlyn while explaining to them that I do have Bi polar and are on prescription medication tying to make an excuse for my actions. I don't know what happened but they said they were going to let me go home but they later changed their mind and put me in jail.i was charged with a DWI with a minor in the vehicle.If I had doubts about God before then I knew he had intervened and kept us safe.My car was at my moms and later that day I was taken to look at it and I can't believe we were not hurt.Emotionally It has traumatized KK and I had to relive this for months to be constantly reminded not to use.I later the next day looked for the pills and kk informed me that I went back to that girls house after I visited my sister. So Ihad had over 15 bars in a 5 hr period equaling (30 blues or 60 peaches)It was assumed that I was trying to kill myself so when my dad found out later that day he called the police himself and got a temporary detention order to have me committed.I was put in Southern Va Mental Inst for 3 days until I went to the courts and could be released. I didn't get medically approved to leave until 34 days later. I was furious with my dad, but know now he had to do it. He stood up and toke control and saved my life,no one else would confront it, they believed i could get clean myself.I got to see first hand "mentally ill" ppl i was there do to substance abuse.Out of 90 patients I related with 5 the other 85 had major mental illness. It has been a process to get where I am today in my life.Ive done so much wrong and now Im trying to make things right.When I got home Kaitlyn feared me, I didnt drive, and she wouldnt stay with me without Brian (my husband) being home.Slowly i mean slowly I have gained the trust of both of them.Ive damaged kaitlyn emotionally and spiritually.My husband slowly is trying to regain trust. I have hurt them very much. For awhile we didn't know if we could get through this God willing we have.Life now has meaning, i don't try to numb the pain of life, I live it "on lifes terms" and its been hard at times and a day doesn't go by where I dont want to use but I know I have a choice and I choose to live.I look back and realize the rate I was going the carelessness I showed this wouldve killed me and i couldve took my precious child with me.Im greatful today for the small things the stuff that used to pass me bye. I thought I was unhappy in my marriage when in fact it was me making myself miserable. This was the icing on the cake I had been in 2 other accidents prior to this in a 4 month period but KK was never with me so I thought I just cheated death those other times but this incident was a life changing experience and Im blessed We walked away from it unharmed.I knew my lic would be taken away and I was looking at 6 months to a yr in jail. I knew I was going to be found guilty and I was prepared to serve my punishment, I almost killed my child. I hired a lawyer to try to get my time reduced.the trial was postponed 3 times taking about a year before the verdict. They had stated I had alcohol in system but I had been taken to the hospital that ; night and tested for drugs and alcohol. By the time of the hearing they saw that I didnt use illegal drugs(just prescribed ones) nor was drinking that night.i plead not guilty knowing I had no chance of getting out of this one, my lawyer pleaded my case,when he said the verdict it was over quick and I looked at my lawyer and wondered what the heck had just happened I was lost. i was found not guilty, another miracle in my life. I look at life differently and take it "one day at a time" lifes much easier to get through without the shame and guilt of using.Im actually loving life with its ups and downs. I also have been on suboxone for close to 2 years and thats okay too. So this is just a part of my story. Sorry so long you guys.....but we all have a long story don't we.


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