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 Post subject: My story
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 1:42 pm 
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Hello everyone! I am new to this forum, and even though I have already posted a few times I thought I would post my introduction here so I could properly introduce myself and tell my story. So here goes...

When I was 15 my step father gave me two 1 mg Xanax after my boyfriend and I broke up because I was really upset and he thought it would make me feel better. Well it did and I was instantly hooked. The very next night I went from taking two to taking four. After only about a month I was taking up to ten Xanax bars a day! I remember going to school and them calling the cops in to give me a breathalyzer because they thought I was drunk! I was so messed up I have no idea how I graduated high school. The next couple of years are really blurry and I don't remember a whole lot. After going on a huge binge of Xanax and cocaine for about a week I crashed. I woke up two days later soaked in my own urine and decided that was it. I never touched Xanax or cocaine since. At that time I was nineteen.

Fast forward to 21. I had spent two years completely sober and had really forgotten what it was like to be high. I had gotten married and had my first child. My husband and I owned a smoke shop and liquor store in the town we live in. Everything in my life was great. One night when I was working at the smoke shop this woman that I knew pretty well came in. She didn't have any money for cigarettes so she traded me two 7.5 hydrocodone for a pack. When I got home that night I took one. OMG I HATED IT! It made me so sick to my stomach, but I had never slept so well in my whole life. I had always had sleep troubles ever since I was a kid so it was a huge relief to be able to get a really good nights sleep. From then on she would come in every few days and trade me a couple for a pack of cigs. Once my tolerance started building I wouldn't fall asleep as soon as they would kick in and I noticed that I really liked the feeling I was experiencing before I went to sleep so I started taking them earlier and earlier. So fast forward a few months... We had hired this new guy to work at our smoke shop. After talking to him one night I discovered he liked taking pills to. This is we're everything went downhill. Now before him I would only take two every three or four days because I only knew of the one lady that gave them to me. After I met Johnny I suddenly had a constant supply. I started taking them every day. Then I started taking them two or even three times per day. That's when my tolerance really increased. I had no idea what withdrawal was at this time. When I stopped the Xanax I had no problem and never got sick or anything.

Then I became pregnant with my second child. When I found out I was pregnant I immediately stopped. I started noticing a horrible pain in my legs and that I couldn't stop moving them. I had no idea what this was. I even went to my doctor who told not to worry and to take some Tylenol. Now besides the leg pain and pretty severe headaches I really didn't have a problem quitting that time. I just chalked it up to pregnancy stuff and was fine after a week. After I had my second son I got my tubes tied and they sent me home with Percocet 5's. I was to take 2 every 4 hours. And I did just that never taking more than prescribed, but once they ran out I found that I couldn't stop. I went right back to buying them. My tolerance increased to where I was taking 10 hydrocodone 10's at a time. Then I found oxycodone 30's. I started snorting them. Taking money from our business to fund my 100 plus a day habit. That went on for a long time. I was blowing through money. Everytime my husband found out there was money missing I would deny knowing anything about. He believed me the whole time. Why would you ever think your own wife would steal from the business that you built together?

Well we had to close our business down for reasons I don't wish to go into at this time (unrelated to me stealing money). Now I had about a 150 dollar a day habit and no where to get money from anymore. I got so sick. I couldn't get my hands on enough money to keep me out of withdrawals! I had no idea it had gotten this bad up until this point. So not knowing what to do because I had two small children and couldn't go through withdrawals I befriended this guy who always had pills on him and he would always share with me. Well even he couldn't give me enough to keep me from going into withdrawals so he taught me how to shoot up so I could use less. I loved the instant rush! I could be. So sick from withdrawal and put that needle in my arm and feel better in three seconds! But it didn't take me long to realize my life had taken a turn for the absolute worse. My husband and I were constantly fighting. I was spending more time away from home. I felt so ashamed about what I was doing. I became depressed. I felt like such a loser junkie. My life was so normal from the outside looking in. I was very involved with my oldest sons preschool. My husband and I were business owners (up until recently). Everyone looked at us like the typical middle class family. I hated having this horrible secret. I felt like I had failed my family.

So I finally broke down to my husband one day. He knew I was taking pills but had no idea how much or that was using any other methods besides swallowing them. I told him I needed help. He was very understanding. He told me to do whatever it took and no matter what it cost we would figure it out. I had seen the commercials on tv about opiate addiction so I visited the website and goin out about suboxone. I found my doctor on a list of four doctors in my town. She was the first one I called and actually talked to. After calling a few and being so nervous I just hung up lol. I have been clean since my induction date of April 1st 2013. It did take me a couple months to get into the doctor. The whole time I was waiting I read post after post on this forum and dr junigs blog and knew I was making the right decision. I am so thankful I found suboxone. I don't even want to think where I would be if I had continued on my path of drug abuse.

I want to thank everyone for being so kind to me and also for reading my story. I have never sat down and told anyone my whole story.

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 Post subject: Late Welcome
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 2:42 pm 
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Holy Opioid Batman! That was a good read SCKS. And a hearty Welcome to our forum. Yes, I agree with you posting your story even if it is a little late. It is cathartic to have it all written down. Later on you can go back and read it and see how your world has changed since induction.

It is always sad to read someones story. So much suffering we put ourselves through before finally giving in and seeking help. I can totally relate to the phone calls to doctors. Been there, done that. The last call I made I talked to the nurse for almost two hours before she convinced me to come in to be induced. Had to feel like Ka Ka to get there but boy am I grateful to be on Suboxone today.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 3:13 pm 
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I was late with my story because I didn't think I wanted to tell it. I thought I would be too embarrassed and ashamed to share it, but after everyone had been so friendly and welcoming to me I decided I should do it. And you're so right rule! It was so cathartic to just write it all and get it out there. I had never really even thought about it from start to finish before today. It's so strange how even though everyone's story is similar we still think that ours is somehow more embarrassing than everyone elses.

I was so nervous when first calling for sub doctors that the first place I called I said "yes I'm interested in your suboxone program". She said what did you say I couldn't hear you? Not wanting to say it again since it took every ounce if courage in me to say it the first time I just hung up! I'm so glad when I finally called my doctors office I spoke loud enough so she could hear me lol.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 4:16 pm 
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I loved reading your story, not because it's all a happy story, obviously, but because I love that you feel comfortable enough here to put it out there. It is a great feeling to write it all down in a place where no one is judging you.

Did your husband go with you for the initial appointment to help him understand what suboxone is and does? My doctor is really good at drawing brains and receptors in a way that is easy to understand. My husband wasn't sure about it until he came to an appointment and the doctor did his little brain drawing. Lol.

Is your extended family supporting you and being helpful? I think that a lot of times people don't know what to say, or the questions to ask to understand addiction and what sub does for it. Hopefully you will feel comfortable being a suboxone ambassador of sorts. Educating people and helping those in the same situation.

I'm glad you're here and I wish you all the best in your recovery!

Amy

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 4:50 pm 
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My husband did go with me to my first appointment, however, since it was during the day we had to bring our youngest son with us because I am usually the one who watches him during the day while my husband is at work. So he could only pay attention so much. I did show him the video that Dr. Junig made that explains it with a graph.

As far as my family goes at this point my husband is the only one who knows. I haven't worked up the nerve to tell the rest of my family. They didn't even know I was an addict in the first place. It's going to be really hard to tell them especially my dad because I have spent so long being the perfect daughter. I'm afraid it will really crush him, but I do plan to tell him, in due time.

I really do hope I can be a suboxone ambassador of sorts. In the few short weeks I've been on sub it has really worked wonders for me. I have tried to talk to a few people that live in my town that are addicted to opiates as I see them out and about and they wonder where I have been. I've done a really good job at staying away from other people that would compromise my sobriety.

Thanks for the post
Erica

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 9:46 am 
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I can totally realate to the nervousness of calling doctors offices! I actually had the "Here to Help" person call several local offices FOR me at first in order to try and find a Dr with openings. I could not bring myself to call. I signed up online on a site that matches patients seeking Sub treatment with Drs who have openings. It was WAY easier to call the place when I could say that I received and email FROM THEM regarding Suboxone and was hoping to get treated for my addiction to pain pills. The place that contacted me is actually where I ended up going to!

That is awesome that you feel like you want to be an advocate/ambassador for Suboxone! I also felt like that after just the FIRST day of taking it! I was telling my brother (also addicted) that is was like a miracle med! I also told one of my "dealers" (who is also a guy I have known since Jr High) about it. He was very skeptical, being that he was taking about 20 Roxy 30's a day (three times what I was taking). I saw him in the grocery store the other day and he was asking me how I was doing. he knew I had stopped pills and started taking Sub, bc I had spoke to him about it when I first stopped and of course I sung its praises....well HE is now taking Suboxone (bought on the streets for now I guess....) but he also has an appointment to see a Dr about it now as well. I know it is wrong that whoever is selling their script, but I am happy for him bc he really is a good person - just got addicted as so many of us do.

As for telling your family....I don't know how I feel about that. In my family, I only told my mom bc I needed her to "cover" for me when I first started getting treatment. (I am now in an out-patient place where I can get a script, but I went for ten days to a local clinic and I had to be there at 5:30am the first time and daily every morning at around 8am.) My boyfriend didn't know that I even had a problem with pills and I was too ashamed at that time to tell him. He knows now, but I waited until I had been clean for almost a month before I told him. As far as the rest of my family goes (brothers, sisters, my kids, etc) - I am not sure I will ever tell them. Is there a reason why I should? Or why you should tell your family? I am totally open to opinions on this but I just can not personally come up with any good reasons to fill them in......

Well, I hope today is treating you all well! I am off to try to pull all these weeds outside and get the garden planted. I am so excited for my garden this year! lol.

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 Post subject: Update
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 10:44 am 
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My mother was aware of my addiction. While in active addiction I never told her how bad it was and always down played it like it was no big deal. We have had a very strained relationship the past ten years and just started talking about a year ago. One day when she came over I told her all about suboxone. She knew a little about it because her sister in law had been on it. I told her I was waiting for an appointment to get on it. She was very impressed that I was brave enough to go to the doctor and ask for help and also very proud of me for wanting to get clean.

My mother has also struggled with her own addictions for years. When I was in high school living with her she was addicted to benzos and opiates. For the last five years she has been addicted to coricidin. Now I know what you're thinking, "how can anyone become addicted to cold medicine?". Well I wouldn't believe it either if I hadn't seen it for myself. She takes at least 32 pills EVERY day. She has overdosed at least 7 times and as a result has 60,000 dollars worth of medical bills. She has promised to quit so many times only to back to it a week later.

Well at 6:30 this morning my mother called me and told me she was checking herself into impatient treatment at 8:30 am. She said she had been thinking about it ever since I told her I was going on subs, and was inspired by my courage. I was shocked and so happy for my mother. I hope this is the beginning of a life without coricidin for her.

So yes I do think it's important to tell the family that you are close to. I plan on telling my dad and my sister because I think they deserve to know. Besides its not something to be ashamed of its something to be proud of! When people beat cancer they are proud of it. They feel like they stated death in the face and won, an that's exactly how we should feel!

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 3:25 pm 
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Unfortunately I believe the addiction is genetically passed down from generation and so on. thats great that your mom recognized there was a problem and chose to go to a treatment center. When she gets out, you can hopefully form a closer bond with your addiction struggles and perhaps talk to each other about and go to meeting or counseling.

I wish people in the real world would treat addiction like it were cancer instead of a stigma that goes with being a junkie. It would be so much easier to tell my friends and family.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 1:51 pm 
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Addiction is definitely genetic besides my mother having addiction issues my grandmother had a gambling addiction and both my grandfather and uncle were former alcoholics. My sister is also an alcoholic/recovering meth addict. All my addictive genes come from my mothers side. My father side has not one person with a single addiction issue. Obviously my sister and I inherited the addiction gene from my mother side.

I believe if the stigma of addiction wasn't an issue a lot of people would get help a lot earlier into their addictions. Because of the huge stigma addicts feel ashamed of their disease and feel the need to keep it a secret. I did for years. In turn the secrecy of their addiction makes the addict use even more. Partly because of the shame they feel and also because there is no accountability for an addict whose addiction is kept in secret.

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 4:44 pm 
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Hey Squeaky,

Thanks for sharing your story. I always find our members addiction stories interesting reads because we all have so many similarities. I also like how you said, "from the outside looking in, my life looked fine." Many of us addicts have a way of fooling those around us.....or at least we think we are.

Someone had asked about the importance of telling family members of our addiction. In my experience, the reasons are twofold. First, I know I can't beat my addiction alone, I know I need help and I use some family members for that help. Second, by telling my family and friends that I'm an addict, I believe I'm helping to dispell the myth that we addicts are all scumbags, blah, blah, blah. My family and friends know me, they know I'm not a scumbag (I hope!! LOL) and they all now understand that this addiction thing I live with is a brain disorder (disease), not a moral failing and in turn, they now know that any other addicts they come into contact with are not "bad" people, they're sick people.....probably wanting to get better.

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 4:21 pm 
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Wow Romeo good point I never thought about telling people to dispell the stereotype of what a "junkie" is. That's an awesome way of looking at it! I say from now on we all wear it like a freaking badge of honor. Let our junkie flag fly!

Being clean is nothing to be ashamed of, and if more people could see that opiate addicts are just normal everyday people maybe we wouldn't have to feel so ashamed to get help. Removing the stigma could certainly save lives. Us addicts are in a kind of "catch-22" with how our addiction is viewed. We are ashamed because of the huge stigma placed on drug addicts, but we help fuel that stigma by being ashamed of our addiction and trying to hide it. The fact that we went through something that could have very likely killed us and came out on the other side better for it just proves how strong we are! Overcoming huge obstacles is something to be proud of!

Thanks for that Romeo!

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 5:16 pm 
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I do agree that being an addict is nothing to be ashamed of.

But.

To go everywhere and tell everyone you're a drug addict is a different thing. It's nothing to be "proud" of. Think about it real hard. Are you proud of your active addiction? If so. GO ahead and shout it from the rooftops.

In my experience, the folks that are really proud of being addicts and always complain about people giving them crap because they are addicts..... Are usually the first ones to leave the program or use because of the resentments they build up when normal people don't think it's amazing to be a drug addict.


It sounds crazy, but it's what I see happen.


Don't be ashamed that you are now an addict, but don't be proud of it either..

it's kind of like being proud of robbing banks in the public eyes. Same point of view.


Just my opinion.


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 5:38 pm 
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As far as going everywhere an telling everyone i didnt mean you should be telling complete strangers. In fact I really just meant with family. I didn't mean to go up to strangers and let them know you're whole story. Sorry if I was misunderstood.

I also didn't mean you should be proud to be an addict, but that you should be proud that you had an illness and you sought help for it. Being clean should always be something to be proud of. None of us are proud that we are drug addicts. Just like nobody is proud that they have cancer, but when that cancer goes into remission they should be proud. Look at everything we go through to make sure our illness stays in remission...Medication, therapy, AA, ditching all of our using "friends", avoiding triggers.

Now tell me all that hard work isn't something we should be proud of.

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PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 11:37 am 
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I agree with movie maker. I also feel that the work I am doing to stay clean is not something to get all gaga over. It is work to undo years of maladaptive coping skills. Oh and yes some of us are proud to be drug addicts. I have seen them firsthand when I used to attend NA.


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PostPosted: Tue May 14, 2013 11:24 am 
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Now that I've read your story I see how similar we all are.. Reading these posts really puts hope in my mind that suboxone will change my life around.. It took me two months to get the nerve to make the phone call yesterday and I still hung up on the first two offices I called.. I cried for alittle while then finally made another phone call and a very sweet guy answered and I got an appt.. I was so scared to ask for the appt because I felt like I have been defeated and had to admit my problem to a complete stranger.. My husband doesn't even know.. It's crazy how people believe everything I say and haven't even noticed how high I've been around them.. Thank you for sharing your story.. I felt like I was the one that wrote it because of how similar we are..


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PostPosted: Tue May 14, 2013 10:35 pm 
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Lost soul~

I too couldn't believe how naive people were when it came to my addiction. I went over to my dads every day and everyday I was high. He still to this day has no clue.

Since our stories are so similar it would be great to have someone to talk to. Pm me if you ever need anything or you just wanna talk.

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