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 Post subject: My story
PostPosted: Sat Aug 04, 2012 10:04 am 
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Hello everyone! I have been a member of this forum for about two months, but have been reading on it for more than a year. I think I have finally found enough courage to post my story. I think I've always had this fear of people knowing too much about me, and then just thinking that I am this horrible person. Which couldn't be further from the truth.

I am a 36 year old single mother of a 17 month old son. I grew up in a rural township in Pennsylvania, and have 4 sisters and a brother. I was raised by my mother and step father, though my step father was always my "dad", in my eyes.

My childhood was pretty ordinary. We were poor because my dad was the sole provider, and my grandparents also lived with us until they both passed away. One person, supporting 10 people, well, you can see why money was tight. I never knew it though. I always had food in my belly, a warm place to sleep, and fun growing up. I had the usual fighting with my siblings. And my parents rarely fought. If they did, they waited until we were in bed to handle it. I think I can remember two big fights they ever had. All in all my childhood was normal.

I can remember that as I got older, I started to see my friends families, and how they had "things" that I didn't. One of them was their biological father. My biological dad was an alcoholic and still is to this day. Somehow, I started to become very insecure with who I was and my place in my family. I always felt "different" than my other siblings. I for some reason thought that I didn't belong here, and that the family would be so much better off without me. When I would be forced to go see my father on the weekends that he actually came around, I got angry. I didn't want to go, and I eventually resented my mother for making me go, and my stepdad for not stepping in and saying something.

Once I became a teenager, the rebellion began, and it was the longest 5 years of my life....and my parents too I'm sure. I was a cheerleader in high school, played fast pitch softball, and ran track. I played field hockey as well, but it conflicted with softball so I chose the one I loved! I never did drink or do drugs, and I never smoked. I typically had friends that were "good", and wasn't exposed to drugs or alcohol until my late late teens.

After high school I joined the Marine Corps. I spent 4 years there, was raped in Japan, and that resulted in me having PTSD. It was a violent rape that I don't want to get into the details of so we will leave it at that. I met my ex husband there also. We got married, and were both discharged within three months and set off to Georgia. His home state. Looking back I think I only married him so that I would not have to go back to Pennsylvania. There was nothing there for me. And I still didn't feel close to, or a part of my family. (this was my issue, not because of anything my parents did)

Ten months after being married, I gave birth to my first daughter on August 23rd, 1998. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I knew right then and there, what i was put on this earth to do. I was supposed to be a mommy. I was very good at it, and it came naturally. She was my whole world, and I was glad to have it that way. I attended and finished beauty school, started working, and decided to leave my husband, when Emily was 2. It was an uncontested divorce, and went very smoothly. We remained friends, split custody 50/50, and I stayed in Georgia so she would have both of her parents.

Emily quickly became my little buddy. I was constantly doing things with her when I wasn't working. When I didn't have her, I worked extra hours, so I could take the time off when I did have her. Everything was going well for the two of us.

4 years later I met "Dick". Within 3 months I became pregnant with my 2nd daughter. I never really noticed, but Dick was mentally abusive, and controlling. It took me a while to realize that he was slowly isolating me from my friends and family. OPver the years I did become very close to my family in Pennsylvania. But he was good at having something "come up" evrytime I was about to go home and visit.

Around the time that Kylie turned 2, my sister had gotten married. At her wedding, I was outside talking to my godmother. I asked her how everything was going and she got tears in her eyes. I of course wanted to know what was going on. Long story short, her husband had polycystic kidney disease, and had been given roughly 3 months to live. His siblings, friends, and my godmother had all gotten tested for a transplant and noone matched except for one of his sisters. Her husband would not allow her to have the surgery, so I went ahead and got tested. Turns out, we were a one out of 6 match for our tissue types, and 2 months later we were in surgery together, and they were putting my kidney into his body. This was October 6th 2006. It was also the day my addiction to opiates began.

Over the course of the prior two years, "Dick" had become increasingly more abusive, and what was once only verbal, became physical. I noticed while I was healing from my surgery, that when I needed to take a pain pill, I didn't care what he said to me. No matter how rude. It gave me a great warm cozy feeling, and I immediately loved it. So, once I was healed from the surgery, I continued to take a single pill every night before he came home from work. This worked well for me to avoid getting hit. It made me not care what he said, and in turn, I kept my mouth shut so I didn't get smacked around.

As it always does, one pill turned into two, into three, into four. And I was left with an addiction that spiraled quickly out of control. I started becoming tired of putting up with his crap, and began hitting him back. This went on for a year and a half, until one day he almost killed me, ran off with our 2 year old, and my parents flew into Georgia.

With the help of our attorney, we were able to get Kylie back, I signed custody of Emily over to her dad, and left to return home after 12 years of being gone. Kylies dad, unbeknownst to me, had videotaped me passed out at night, and kept a good record of every pharmacy I had ever gone to, and every doctor. He was building a case against me for two years,,,,and he won. I had lost custody of the only thing that was keeping me alive at this point. I followed my daughter back to Georgia and 3 weeks later, I slit my own throat, almost bled to death, and woke up in the hospital. I returned to Pennsylvania once again, this time for good.

On January 16th 2008, I attended my first AA meeting. With their help, and God, I got clean for 2 years. Then came the next blow. I was served with papers to terminate my rights as a mother to my oldest daughter. They waited until she was 10 years old, and had her write a deposition as to why she no longer wanted me to be her mother. They had been brainwashing her and I didn't even know it. I had seen her every year, and talked to her on a daily basis up to the day. I have not spoken to or seen her since. And it kills me.

I relapsed at that point, went to a rehab about a year later, and met the father of my 17 month old son. That relationship was nothing short of volatile. He was an addict, a mooch, a manipulator, and the laziest piece of crap I had ever met in my life. It took me about 6 months to see this, but was pregnant with Tyler already. He eventually landed himself in jail, and I am on my own with Tyler.

I relapsed on and off until 3 months ago. I decided enough was enough and that I wanted to raise my son in a house free of drugs. I knew that if something drastic didn't happen that I would relapse for the rest of my life. I talked to a doctor at the VA, I began my suboxone treatment and never looked back. I am happy now. Tylers dad has not been around for over a year. I still talk to Kylie, though not often because "Dick" doesnt ever return my calls. I am close to my family, and I am genuinely content with my life for the first time since I met "dick". I feel like my old self for the most part and I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life dedicated to being a great mother, and clean.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this. This took me a long time to type because of the breaks I had to take to cry. I am still mourning the loss of my daughters and I probaly always will. One day, they will come back to me. They are going to want answers. I just want to be healthy and clean when they show up. Thanks again to all of you who read this....

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 Post subject: Looking Inside
PostPosted: Sat Aug 04, 2012 12:50 pm 
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That was a very hard thing for you to do Kelly. No one has ever asked you to post your story and you did it in your time, when you were ready.

It was very hard to read about all the pain you've suffered through. I had no idea of what you've had to endure because of addiction to opiates, but it doesn't really surprise me because addiction always seems to make a living hell out of our lives.

Now that you are in recovery, and some time passes by, maybe things will start to work in your favor. It's hard to say but I like to keep a positive attitude when dealing with awful issues like yours.

You have become a very valuable member here on our forum. Going out of your way to welcome the newcomers and all. Do whatever you need to do to keep your sanity daily as you deal with the aftermath of bad decisions. Time has a way of healing all wounds if you keep walking the straight and narrow.

Thanks for letting us see a little bit of your world.

Rule

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 04, 2012 1:06 pm 
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Hi Kelly and thank you for sharing a very private and painful story. You will be reunited with your girls someday and you will be given the chance to tell them your side of what went wrong. I am the father of 6 (4 bio and 2 step) children and i had a similar situation where i lost joint custody of one son because of my addiction..so i kinda understand that empty feeling and i hold onto the hope of being reunited someday..its gotta happen its just got to..I too enjoy all your posts and your level headedness and ability to not judge others. Thanks again for sharing..You'll be in my thoughts and prayers!


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 04, 2012 2:14 pm 
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That's a heart wrenching story Kelly, the fact that you survived and made it to where you are today is a testament to your strength.

You're in a good spot now and all you can do is keep doing the next right thing.

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

(((((BIG HUGS)))))

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 04, 2012 8:16 pm 
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You HAVE to know how strong you are, just from typing that out, you HAVE to :D

and your a good mother too. Shitty things happen to good people all the time. So dont let any of that crap make you think, that your not the best mother to your kids. cuz, you are.

And, I know from experience, that ONE day, your daughter will come knocking on your door. you just gotta be patient. My mother bad-talked my father, my whole life. Yes, NOW, I know why. thats not the point though..............................................................
I STILL showed up at HIS door, a month after I graduated high school.Looked him up on google, and just showed up. I wanted to have a relationship with him. Now, I realise, HE isnt capable of that. it was never MY FAULT. becuz as a child, you think EVERYTHINGs your fault. So, Im just saying, kids are 'hardwired' to love their parents UNCONDITIONALLY.
no matter WHAT.
and she will come to you kelly, I promise.

And,

you cant enjoy a rainbow,,,,
without the storm.

So, now your rainbow's are coming.
Im sure enjoying mine.

thanks for sharing kelly :wink:

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 05, 2012 7:17 am 
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Rule, thank you so much for the kind words...I try to keep a positive attitude as well. I do believe that one day, whether its sooner or later, that my girls will want me in their life. Once they give me the chance to explain, they will see that it wasn't all me. In fact, most of it wasn't me. I think that is what makes it so hard. Yes, I am an addict. And I take responsibility for everything that I had done. But, and that is a huge but, losing them was not something that I just let happen. I fought tooth and nail. 2 years of clean drug screens, a good recovery program, and $20,000.00 in legal fees didn't mean shit to the corrupted southern justice system. The things that were ruled in that case, were literally UNHEARD OF to attorneys that I have spoken to since. Insane shit like, my visitation is "at the discretion of the custodial parent". That's it. Well, this asshole controlled me in every way shape and form that he could when we were together. Now that we aren't, he knows that the only way that he can hyurt me, is to keep Kylie from me. It's total bullshit, and its completely legal.

Dicespin, I could actually FEEL your pain in these words "its gotta happen...it's just got to." I have said those words out loud and to myself more times than I can count. It will happen for you too. Right now our children have no control over it. One day they will, and they are just going to resent their parent for isolating them. In my story I spoke about resenting my mother as a child for MAKING me see my biological dad. Looking back, I'm glad she did it. She allowed me to see for myself first hand, that he was who he is. She didn't have to bad mouth him at all, and she never did. If my daughters dads were to let them see me on a regular basis, they would immediately see that their fathers are manipulative, brainwashing, assholes who lied to them abou their mommy. And one day, they are gonna be SUPERPISSED at them. Not me. The same will most likely happen in your situation.

Amber, I am counting on everything you said, happening. They do have the instinct you are talking about. IT's born into them. They are girls, and they are going to want their mom in their life. No matter how far away I was from my own mother at any point in my life, I always wanted HER, when things went wrong. No matter how much other support I had, I always needed hers. Like when I was in Japan and I was raped, I was how many thousands of miles from home??? The only person I wanted was my mother. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and support.

Romeo, Thank you also for the ((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))) !!! I could feel them all the way from Kentucky! Ha! Seriously, it's nice to know that you sincerely care.

Thanks again to all four of you!!!! This was so hard for me to do, and I am grateful to have the support of a few friends, after typing something that painful for me. I know that one day I will heal from this and my heart will feel whole again...until then I will continue to lean on my family and friends like you four, for support. Thanks.

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"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2012 10:16 pm 
I just read your post and to be honest it touched me more than any other thing i have read on this forum. I remember you saying some very positive words with me when i shared my little story on a thread. You said something like, it doesn't matter how you got off your DOC, you did it... and congrats! Something along those lines you said. While everyone else was mostly berating me. And i'm not trying to put anyone down actually I am shedding some light on what a beautiful person you are. Even through all the adversity you had dealt with in life. From a keystoner to another- GOD BLESS!


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 7:42 am 
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Winningduhepic wrote:
I just read your post and to be honest it touched me more than any other thing i have read on this forum. I remember you saying some very positive words with me when i shared my little story on a thread. You said something like, it doesn't matter how you got off your DOC, you did it... and congrats! Something along those lines you said. While everyone else was mostly berating me. And i'm not trying to put anyone down actually I am shedding some light on what a beautiful person you are. Even through all the adversity you had dealt with in life. From a keystoner to another- GOD BLESS!


Thank you so very much for these wonderfully kind words...I actually got a little teary eyed! LOL, thank you for seeing me in the way that you do. I try very hard to support everyone in their recovery, no matter how they got there. It's so nice to know that I'm appreciated in that respect. You truly are a great person. I read a lot of your posts and you seem very level headed and are always quick to lend a helping "hand". Thank you also for your help with the doctor situation. I think it came at the perfect time.
Have a great week and God Bless you too...

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"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2012 11:04 pm 
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I just wanted to say - you are an amazing person, a strong person, and an inspiration. You've dealt with so much throughout your life, many traumatic experiences, many rough relationships to say the least, and you have overcome all obstacles that you have faced. I imagine it is still a day to day battle at times, as it is with me, but from what you shared here, I can tell you are dedicated to building a wonderful life for your son. He is blessed.

Keep fighting! You deserve great things and more blessings will come with continued effort in your recovery. I know you will put in the work!


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2012 6:32 am 
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GoPACKGo wrote:
I just wanted to say - you are an amazing person, a strong person, and an inspiration. You've dealt with so much throughout your life, many traumatic experiences, many rough relationships to say the least, and you have overcome all obstacles that you have faced. I imagine it is still a day to day battle at times, as it is with me, but from what you shared here, I can tell you are dedicated to building a wonderful life for your son. He is blessed.

Keep fighting! You deserve great things and more blessings will come with continued effort in your recovery. I know you will put in the work!


Ok, Gopackgo, you are going to think that I am a sissy, but thats ok! LOL! I actually started crying when I read "He is blessed". That little boy is my whole world, and when I think of him, I can't help but think that I am the one who is blessed with HIM. But to read that someone else actually thinks that HE is blessed to have me for a mother, ..... WOW, all I could do is cry. I don't know if you have children or not. Having gone through what I have with my daughters has made me appreciate the time with him all the more. I truly am dedicated to building a wonderful life with and for him. Thank you so much Pack. Really. You made my day.

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