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 Post subject: My story...
PostPosted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 11:51 am 
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So I imagine my story is not much different than anyone else's. I was always pretty good, I liked to go out and have some drinks and did a bit of coke here and there but always swore I would never get involved in heroin. My parents were both heroin addicts and I saw first hand what it does and was sure I'd never touch the stuff. I even found it one day (a neighbor dropped it on the stairs) and I gave it away because I didn't even want it in my house! Well I started working at a high end hair salon in manhattan, I worked long hard days on my feet for 12 to sometimes 14 hours a day. A stylist I worked with was very addicted to hydros and he had scripts all over town, he would send me to pick them up for him and pay me by giving me few, he also taught me how to write the scripts. At the same time I was a bartender once a week at a local bar/restaurant where a couple of people I knew there were starting to get into hydros too, one of them worked in a doctors office and had stolen a pad, she had the pad and I knew how to write the scripts and that's where our beautiful partnership began. I would write scripts for 100 per month with 3 refills and we would share it, eventually they found a guy who sold oxys and it was on. I LOVED oxys, it was wonderful, it helped me get through work, they were great mixed with coke. It was all great, I thought. After a while the money started to really run dry and I had to go through w/d a few times which sucked and I swore I would never do it again. My brother even died during this time from od'ing on Methadone and it didn't stop me. I ended up in detox and found out I was pregnant a couple days after I got out. They took a test at admission but it was negative which was a god send because if they knew they couldn't have treated me. I was able to go the rest of the pregnancy barely on anything. I'm not going to say I was clean because I wasn't. I dabbled a tiny bit in heroin and was still doing some oxys here and there. After my little girl was born the heroin use took off. We just couldn't afford the oxys anymore and out other friends had moved on to H so we did too. After a while we knew this is not the life we wanted for our little girl but it was too hard to stop, we even moved 8 hours upstate to a town where we had no connections but then just ended up spending more money to have the shit mailed overnight to us or UPS'ed. It was a nightmare, sitting around waiting for it to show up, going through w/d trying to take care of a 4 month old. I felt like the worst mother in the world and was so SICK of it but couldn't stop. I tried many times by having friends send Methadone and swearing it was over but we just couldn't. We would even jump in the car and drive the 8 hours to the city when we were really desperate. Finally we just were out of money and had it. I found a suboxone doctor and by the grace of god they had an opening for us. She is the most awesome doc in the world we started about a year and a half ago and it was the best thing that ever happened to us. My husband just weaned off everything and is doing great. I'm pregnant with number two and can't wait to wean myself off. I have a job I love, my husband went back to school to get he education credentials and we're happy for the first time in a long time. :D


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 12:49 pm 
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I'm so happy for your family......that's a pretty hard life you've lived there.

But just think...you broke the chain. Your children will not have to live what you had to live through...and that is the meaning of life right there!!!! :D

I'm very proud of you both!
Take care, Amber


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 2:23 pm 
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Thanks Amber! I think it's great too! Our girls lives are going to be so different and it makes me so happy.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 21, 2010 2:35 pm 
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Hi alael-

Thanks for the story! WOW! I'm so glad you found peace - and both of you are together for your daughter! Congratulations!

I know this is kinda selfish - but if your husband successfully 'weaned' off - and is doing great - do you think you or he would be willing to write about that experience in the 'stopping suboxone' category? I think lots of us would like more about successful taper's, and your husband's experience sounds like one.

Thanks for the consideration, and reading your story provided great inspiration for me to keep on 'keeping on.' :)


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 21, 2010 3:38 pm 
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Alael thanks so much for your story. No matter how many addicts I've heard share about their past it's always pretty much the same things we have all had to experience collectively. Perhaps that's why I like the forum so much, it's really about the only place I can be completely open and honest. I'm sure you feel alot better now and I'm so happy for you. I will say I was skeptical of staying on Suboxone when I first started but after seeing so many opiate addicts relapse I've since changed my mind. I still have a little bit of a hard time trying to explain why I'm staying on maintenance to a few people but most that I'm close with can at least not judge as much as they had before. I'm not talking about relapse to scare anyone and I really hope that's not how anyone who reads this will feel. I've just had to come to terms with the fact that I just do not and cannot trust myself off Suboxone for me at least it just be a matter of time. I'm really happy for you and your husband. As LatheDude shared it may seem kinda "selfish" but I'm always happy to hear about people tapering off. If he ever gets time you might just have to nudge him into posting lol. One last thing though it hurts so much to hear about other addicts who think they were somehow a bad person, wife, husband, mother, etc. I just hope that you get to the point where you can know that if you hadn't been using none of those things would have happened. It's taken me time but all in all I've gotten alot out of realizing the huge difference between "using me" and "not using me". I had to see how clearly irrational and insane my thinking had become and I'd say I'm actually pretty mentally sound when I'm not using. Anywho point is "using me" and "not using me" are two different people and had I been able to take a reasonable look at what was going on when I was using I certainly would have quit as I'm sure we all would. I guess I'm saying ultimately that's it not your fault that things got bad when you were using it has happened to ALL of us. So please try and forgive yourself as the "not using you" is clearly in control now.
Take care and thanks so much again :)

_________________
"If you're going through hell, ....keep going!"
-Winston Churchill


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 Post subject: Thanks for Sharing....
PostPosted: Sun Feb 21, 2010 10:52 pm 
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Hi alael,
It sounds like you & your family have fought hard against addiction and you are currently Winning!!!!! Congrats......
Your determination is an inspiration to this addict NO Doubt!!! Your story shows just how difficult fighting this disease can be.
You and your husband should be proud of your accomplishment you have definitely added a great story to this forum. Please cotinue to keep us updated on your progress and like LatheDude said if your husband would like to share his taper experience that would be great! You are a welcome addition to the site.... I wish you both continued success in your Recovery!!
Take Care,

God Bless
TW


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 10:24 am 
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Wow!! thank you all for being so welcoming! I'm glad my story helped someone, that's the goal, right? It's not even the half of the madness but I didn't think I needed to give every gritty detail as you all have been there. Being 8 months pregnant and meeting my drug dealer was not my most shining moment in life. I will definitely talk to my husband and have him put his tapering story on, it wasn't easy for him, he had a hard few days, it was hard to watch. It makes me very scared to jump off eventually especially trying to care for two children but I plan to wean down a little slower than he did and I'm looking for tips on the stopping suboxone forum. I like this board and definitely will share my experience of being pregnant and on suboxone with other women because it scared me to death and I couldn't find any experiences that helped me. Thanks again for being so gracious to a newbie!


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 23, 2010 8:15 pm 
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That is such a fantastic ( as in great ) story! Best wishes to you and your family!


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