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 Post subject: My story in a nutshell
PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 8:21 am 
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....It all started with a motorcycle accident back in 2001. I had to have surgery to fix a basically mangled ankle and foot, and the ortho doc put ole Humpty Dumpty back together again :). He was very adamant after surgery about the painkillers he had given me. THIS IS IT !! He told me when writing my last script for another 30 percocets. But, my family doctor wasnt quite so strict and he was sympathetic to my "need" for my percocet and thus began the ride on whats become a 12 year journey in the land of opiates. For a long time I was very aware of the tolerance issue and I battled it all the time to keep it under control, but eventually I couldnt keep up anymore and worse yet, to feel the way I wanted to feel, I began crushing them up and snorting them. Thats when my habit launched into the stratosphere. Ig got so bad that I was snorting a 10mg perc every other hour, my monthly script of 120 was gone in less than 10 days and I was on the streets spending the bill money and grocery money on trying to feed the monster.
My wife ( bless her golden heart) was tolerant of my antics and tried to be supportive but after 12 years even her resolve had grown thin and to try to make me see the light she just simply stopped trying to make the ends meet, and she was going to allow me to just smash everything into a brick wall. I guess her theory was that maybe when I came home from work and the lights were no longer on, and I couldnt make my peanut butter toast anymore, maybe then I would see the light.
It worked. I reached out, admitted I had a problem and needed a little help.
In order for my insurance company to take on the burden of cost for my treatment, I had to agree to going a full outpatient rehab type of program complete with Suboxene, one on one counseling, and group meetings all rolled up into a package deal. Thats the only way they were going to pay for it. I of course agreed ( somewhat reluctantly though)

Fast forward to induction day, I wanted to do this right and I was terrified of running into precip withdrawal so for the first time in 12 years I went a full 36 hour period with no opiates in my system. I told the Mrs, just drive me to the hospital and just leave me out and go on to work from there. It didnt work out that way. I was so sick I could hardly get dressed or get myself to the car. It was completely horrible, but in hindsight, I'm glad I went through it. It made me see just how pathetic I had become, and I told myself as I crawled into the joint that never, ever again would I let anything take control of me in this way again. It strengthened my resolve it really did.
My blood pressure was raging as I lay on a bed and FINALLY they gave me my first dose, an 8mg strip. I remember the nurse telling my wife " His blood pressure is leveling out, he's getting better already"...And I was, as bad as I felt within an hour of so I felt terrific !
That was exactly 6 weeks ago and here I am. I havent used any other type of narcotic, not even any benzos. I agreed as part of the program that if I was ever caught with benzos in my system I am kicked out with no second chances. They are really strict about the danger of mixing the two.
I go to my meetings and they're not as bad as I thought they may be. My dosage is 2 8mg strips per day and that seems to do me fine. They told me that since my habit was so bad, and for so long, to not even think about worrying about tapering down or getting off subs, its going to be a good while and they dont want to risk anything that would lead me to relapse.
So, there it is. I feel great for the most part, and its nice to run into a place like this where others have had similar, or even much worse circumstances than I have.
I'm glad I'm alive, and I'm glad I'm here to chat with you all.

ps---I guess this wasn't really a "nutshell" story after all was it? :wink:


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 Post subject: nutshells abound!
PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 9:11 am 
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Lol, sounds like there is definitely a nut and a shell in there, lol, like the rest of us happy and unhappy campers around this site.

Please don't take any comment you get on here personal, that would be my first advice. Secondly, like any program or tool, make the most you can of it. Take the fellowship and bank it, just like social 12 step meetings and so forth. For if there is anything for certain, pain shared is pain lessened. Get out what you want to say, regardless of mediator confrontations and advice which you probably can't avoid.

I believe I share a common concern with you, about the benzos. See, I don't have the best relationship with my detox doctor in the first place, because he wants me to continue a bandaid program which seems to hurt me worse than help, so I'm going c/t started yesterday, and blew self will and motivation out the window by destroying the balance my month of subs.

It will be a rough ride, and from previous dry/burn outs from oxy I hate the anxiety and insomnia worst of all, so I leaned into my private doc (who just got strung up on insurance fraud/racketeering and opiate diversion to black market federal charges "if it werent for back luck I'd have no luck at all........WOoooo!") for some klonopin, a benzo, for sleep aid. I could get fired, but I am not worried about it. I'll go to my next meeting with clear urine, wait a minute, fire me for being squeaky clean?

Anyway, there is a big enough population of sub folks here to use the site like a singles cruiseship. Find a few that you share some common ground and initiatives/aspirations with, and hang with them.

You, as I may find that PM route is the best once these folks show up as replies to your sitewide posts. PM gives you the chance to be totally open and candid, and possibly avoid the b.s. "suckeruppers" confrontations and glory/attention seeker group.

Have a nice journey here, and go for your dreams, whatever that may be. Personally, I get much more out of this than open NA meetings whereby you may feel like you just don't fit the masses and their stories.

Kindest Regards,
Donechasing

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'If you can't trade a cry for a good laugh, then opiates will rule your life forever'. -me
This is the reason I am ready to walk uphill for a finite infinity, in search of myself at the end of the marathon.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 9:43 am 
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Thanks Donechasing for taking the time to reply. Although I'm a stranger here I've spent a lot of time on different message boards, at least enough to know that there are "all kinds" out there, and some people really get off on the anonymity and the safety the internet provides. Some people can finally be the man ( or woman) they always wanted to be, but couldn't manage it in the real world. So thats kind of the way I see haters or other miserable types.
I was a little hesitant to post here after reading through a few topics and a few threads. It seems there are a lot of people actually struggling with Suboxene or worrying about trying to get off of it etc etc, and that isnt something that is helpful to my situation so I have to kind of look past it. Me, I'm glad to have found something that is working so well in keeping me away from the opiate madness. Even if it comes to be that I have to take 1 8mg strip a day for the rest of the time I'm breathing I would gladly live with that rather than riding the crazy train of opiates.
So, I welcome any and all kinds of comments and will pick out bits of info that I may find helpful and pretty much ignore the rest.
Thanks !

S-


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 11:34 am 
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Scofflaw,

Welcome! Im really not sure what the above poster is talking about but, this can be a very supportive place.

I have been on sub for almost 3 years and I still remember how much relief I felt when I first started. That obsession for opiates was gone. No longer were my thoughts consumed with dilaudid. I felt free.

Its nice that your wife stuck around and helped you. I have been,married a long time but my husband is not very supportive. He doesn't get why people use drugs. I have messed up our life pretty bad a few times but suboxone has helped me so much. Im in a great place today and feel lucky I have had the chance to take it.

I agree with your doctor that you shouldn't worry about quitting sub yet. Use this time to get some treatment and some tools to better deal with life. Then you can decide if you want to stay on, or taper and quit.

Thanks for sharing your story and I hope to see you keep posting!


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 11:43 am 
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Scofflaw!!

We're glad you're alive too! It's a crazy ride, isn't it? Toughest thing I've been through that's for sure. Don't worry, I'm not a "suckerupper" :lol:

Motorcycle accident, ouch...

6 weeks, phew. Good for you to get off the crazy train bud. (Now you're on the sub train lol) everyone's different according to their needs. Although subs saved my life from never ending using, I'm so glad to say its been 41 days off of them. Be kind to yourself and take it slow. It took me 5 years! I'm finally feeling "me" for the first time in almost a decade. It's pretty cool. Weird, but cool...

12 years is a long time! You beat one monkey off your back, now you're halfway there. Be kind to yourself and take it slow. Never give up!. One step at a time right? (Easier said than done!!) sounds like you have quite the lady there by your side. That's a big help, too. So many of us hide from our using because we are ashamed of ourselves or embarrassed. You should be proud of how tough and brave you are now as its not an easy task to endure! :D

Thank you for the personal "nutshell" story :) I enjoy your writing and sense of humor! I'm always here for a rant, ramble or a good laugh. Keep me/us posted about your continuing journey. I look forward to hearing about your progress! Try to stay positive my friend.

All the best!
-Jen


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 8:50 pm 
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Thanks for the replys so far folks, I really do appreciate almost any kind of input. A couple things: I really do have to hand it to my wife. She's been my rock while all along believing that eventually I was going to come around and beat this thing. I owe an awful lot to her and I tell her that all the time although she doesnt really care to hear it.While we may squabble between us, she defends me to the end of the earth to anybody else and I could never repay all that she's done for me.
She's not perfect by any means. She like to partake in the 420, its the only thing she's ever enjoyed. She can't even drink.
I of course cant do that anymore because they test me all the time and god knows it stays in the system for months. But I'm cool with it, it doesnt bother me at all in the least.
Thing is though, despite all of that she really doesnt quite fully understand what addiction to this kind of substance is like because she's never been in its grip. So, I'm comfortable around those that have been down the road and know firsthand the ups and downs ( mostly downs) of opiate addiction.

Also, I have to say, despite what I read about folks feeling " in a fog" or other troubles and issues being on Subs, I actually have to say that most of the time I feel great. I really really do feel great. I feel in my case in a lot of ways, as soon as I quit the opiates, the fog I was in actually began to lift, and my senses came back to me a great deal. So, while I look forward to the day I can get off the subs myself, I know for sure that already I'm in a MUCH better place than I was 6 weeks ago.

I'm glad I found a place like this and I look forward to chattin with you all and again by all means if anyone has anything to add, good bad, or indifferent please feel free to speak up.

Scofflaw


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 9:29 pm 
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Hi Scofflaw,

There really is nothing like the support of your partner, huh? That person who knows you best and has your back no matter what? Yeah.. that's good stuff right there. I'm glad you found this place and can work out how you're feeling with others who can most definitely relate. It has been so beneficial for me and for others as well.

You know what, fuck pot. LOL!! Eh, you're not missing out. My husband uses a little here and there and I haven't touched the stuff in over 10 years, I think!

The fog thing, it's so different for everyone and some (maybe most?) don't seem to have any issues and if they do, it's worth it for the end result. End result being healthy and alive.

Looking forward to your updates!


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 10:15 am 
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Hey Scofflaw!

I'm brand new to here too but I have been on Sub for over 5 years. It's amazing, you have only been on Sub for 6 weeks and you have already helped me! Your post brought me back to that new beginning I had 5+ years ago! :D It helps to be reminded of what a bad place addiction had brought me. After 18 years of opiate use, I had given up hope of ever having a "normal" life. Chasing pills and doing pills is an EVERY SINGLE DAY viscious cycle. Suboxone ended that cycle for me. I am now on 2mg a day and of course there are times I wish to be free of Subs but that is a decision we all have to make for ourselves. The main thing right now is that you have made that HUGE jump and taken back control of your life. Stay with it, you are definitely worth it....and so is that wonderful lady by your side!

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 11:07 am 
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Hi Scofflaw!

Sounds like you are in a great place. This group is a wonderful support system. Its nice to find a place where there are others that are like you and me and going through similar experiences!


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 11:45 am 
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Hi Scofflaw,

I am glad you have joined us here...honestly it is so great to be able to vent to people who have been in your shoes and know how you are feeling. I would imagine no matter what your particular situation is there is at least one other person here who has been there, done that. There are different views and experiences with sub but for the most part the people who respond to posts are very supportive and helpful. I am currently tapering and hoping to be done soon, I am down to 1.5mg now!!! Whew...what a ride! But I only started with 8mg per day. I had a few side effects the first month or so but everything leveled out eventually. I did not notice that "fog" either. But I have noticed since tapering pretty low that my emotions are running a little wild lately. It's kind of weird, feeling things more clearly when you didn't realize you weren't feeling them before. I am wondering what it's going to be like when I am completely off any opiates...OMG...I will probably be crying at everything!

Anyway...good luck and welcome!


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 1:04 pm 
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Mycovery- Hey, if anything I mentioned brought back memories either good or not so good but they've helped remind you of what you want ( or maybe what you don't want) out of this life of ours then I'm more than happy to oblige !
I know for me the biggest one is almost every day I think of my Induction day and while I wouldnt want to scare anyone away from doing what they have to do, for me it was a truly sobering experience to look and feel the way I did and it was a good hard punch in the face and a big dose of "Just look what you've done to yourself to be in this kind of pathetic condition)

I'm actually glad now that I went through it in just that way.

Ghorsegal- I find the fact that you've managed to get down to 1 and 1/2 mg a day very encouraging ! I hope to someday follow that same path. I feel already like I'm alive again and I can think and reason sooo much better, I can only imagine what it would feel like to go down to that small an amount.

I'd probably be as emotional as those people you see on the daytime soap operas :)


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 1:56 pm 
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Hi Scofflaw and welcome! I am glad you are here.
Six weeks clean from your DOC is amazing! I am also glad that you have a supportive person in your life...I do not and I truly think that is the biggest thing holding me back(from getting off suboxone).
The "fog" that people refer to, usually comes 1-2 years into sub "treatment". It started 2-3 years in for me. I do not hate sub like a lot you may come across here..I find it a great tool when used properly...I just think that it is often prescribed improperly at large does for a very long time. In the last 5 years I think there has been better info out there and some doctors are starting to become more aware...I think in time it will get better.
If I can give one bit of advice, I would take as little as possible without having cravings. See how you do on 12 mgs...then 8 mgs..and go from there. The doctors told me not to worry about tapering...and I liked that...I liked that I did not have to worry about dealing with my addiction, I could just go visit doc once a month, take a pill/strip and feel great. Now almost 6 years later and I am realizing the mistakes I made. It is holding me back from a lot of things I want to do, like have another child and travel. In my humble opinion, suboxone should only be used for 3-6 months total. In some extreme cases, maybe longer...like 50+ yr old chronic pain patients with a hefty tolerance, etc....But the average addict, I firmly believe there should be a limit of 3-6 months and doctors should be way more accountable for overseeing the taper/detox process. That's just my opinion though...whenever I see of someone who just started sub treatment I feel the obligation to tell them...I wish someone had told me, or that I would have done the research. Hell when I first got on subs, the info out there was limited and bad...The induction "specialist" told me it was not even an opiate and that it would re-train my brain, ha! Regardless, I wish you the best and hope you will stick around and share your progress with us!


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:27 pm 
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Well, the thing is, for me I've failed at trying to "Doctor" myself and decided this time around to put myself at the mercy of doctors and counselors who are supposed to be better versed at this thing than I am, and I am currently in a very strictly regulated program where dosing myself would be out of the question. As I am told, since I've had such a long run with opiates, ( !2 Years), the biggest concern right now is getting me off the opiates, adjusting to the Suboxene and I'm supposed to let the counselors decide when the time is right for me to lower or otherwise adjust the dosage. Their claim is, trying to reduce dosage too soon leaves one far more susceptible to relapse. And the best advice they can give me when I question about time lines, is to not even give that any consideration at least at this particular point in time.
They really are very strictly controlling my dosage. I have to see the Doc every two weeks ( so far) and I have to turn in every empty strip package when I go in. Any slip-ups on my part I run the risk of getting kicked out of the program altogether.
So, while for years I always thought I had all the answers, it turns out after enough failed attempts, that this time I am going to go ahead and trust in somebody else to monitor my dosage.
Besides, as I read the threads and see how much cold hard cash many have to put out ( that I sure dont have), the fact that as long as I do everything I'm told, pass the drug screens, stay away from the Benzo's etc etc, then it will all be paid for by my insurance including the appointments, the counseling, and the scripts as well.
If I umm "messed" that up, I'd be in a fix real quick.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 5:33 pm 
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Hey scofflaw,

Welcome to the forum!!

Your story has a lot of similarities to mine. I crushed my ankles by falling out of a tree (not quite as glamorous as a bad ass motorcycle accident, but it's the best I could do. :lol: ), my opiate use was 10 years----spiraled out of control pretty fast, just like yours and I even have a wife who stuck with me through it all.

Long story short, Suboxone saved my butt.

I'm glad you found your way to Suboxone.

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 11:24 am 
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In a nut shell, suboxone has brought you to a new beginning. Follow the program and do what's best for Scofflaw.

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 10:48 pm 
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Romeo wrote:
I crushed my ankles by falling out of a tree (not quite as glamorous as a bad ass motorcycle accident, but it's the best I could do. :lol: ),.


Ha ha that is funny, I guess it doesnt really matter what it is that brought us to this point in life, but here we are none the less. Mine sure wasnt very glamourous, in short, I'm flyin down the road on my bike and a couple of girls are walking by me on the sidewalk. As I pass them I turn my head to check out the caboose ya'know :) ...and when I turned my head again, a car was stopping right in front of me. I had to lay it down or I would have been a passenger in the back seat of the car via crashing through the back window :)
I learned my lesson. Haven't ridden since.


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 11:48 am 
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Ummm, don't ya think maybe the lesson should have been not staring at girls cabooses while doing 90mph on the motorcycle? :lol:

Glad you didn't become a passenger in the back seat of that car, that would have sucked pretty bad!! :wink:

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 12:08 pm 
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Scoff,

You are lucky your wife didn't break your other ankle after that admission. Geez, you boys don't learn do you? Next time slow down a little BEFORE checking out the chick. You will probably get a better view and you won't kill yourself in the meantime. Poor guy, I bet that girl didn't even come over and check on you after she made you crash either did she?


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 3:44 pm 
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qhorsegal2 wrote:
Scoff,

I bet that girl didn't even come over and check on you after she made you crash either did she?


NO, not at ALL, and the car that was stopped in front of me? It was what looked to me to be 2 old ladies, and why they were stopped to make a right hand turn where there was no traffic light is beyond me, I was practically underneath them on the ground to keep from hitting them, they just made their turn and went about on their merry way.
A guy came over who was sitting on his porch and said " Buddy you slid the whole length of that block on the ground!"
I think thats why my clothes were smoldering.
No, I learned a few lessons that day, thats for sure. Little did I know the consequences that would grip me for the next 12 years and have me here now.
But, thats all in the past and that I cant change, I can move forward now and I finally feel like I am.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 7:24 am 
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..... I didnt know where else to post this so I guess I'll post it here...

***Today is my 2 month Anniversary!!***


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