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PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 12:32 pm 
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I dont even know where to begin to be honest. Im 26 years old. I apologize for the length of this, but I've been on this forum over a month and think I ready every single post and the insight I've gained is simply invaluable. I learned something from every post and story I read. Here goes...


At 19 I got a new job courtesy of a friend. This was my first "physical" job, and first time getting to work with my boy. I hadn't really tried anything but weed at this point, I was an honest kid with good intentions and a bright future. My older brother struggled with drugs pretty severely and that always turned me off to drugs in general. Working one day, my boy pulled out a 7.5 Vicodin and broke it in half and gave me half. He said it will put me in a good mood and give me more energy. I remember taking it with a Redbull. Wow, not that it needs to be noted or said but naturally I was in heaven. The funny part is after taking it - asking where he got it, he replied "the last house / job we were at - her medicine cabinet." I was shocked. I continued to dabble here and there, and it progressively got worse. My mother had gone through a million surgeries and had literally enough meds to kill a small army. I started complaining of back aches and she gave me a 7.5 MG percocet and showed me where the bottle was and told me to help myself. I was very good the first few months, not wanting to abuse this as it was more like a gift and way I would reward myself. "Friday morning in three days Im going to take one of those perc's with my morning coffee, I work hard I deserve it." Fast forward a few months later, now she is upped to 10 MG percocet and the bottle is constantly hidden because of it being depleted too quickly. This became like an unspoken twisted game - she would hide the bottle, I would inevitably find it. My father became aware of the situation, and went out and purchased a small safe / lock box. I learned to pick the lock. He then added another lock to the box, and I learned to pick that as well. Now all bottles of pain killers stay in their pockets at all times. My father by the way, is an alcoholic 40 + years, never admitting he has a problem or seeking treatment. He is a very angry, violent drunk also. Old stubborn Irish man.

Fast forward, In 2008 my brother was arrested with a rediculous amount of marijuana, skipped bail and was now a fugitive on the run with his girlfriend. The following week, my mother was in the hospital fighting for her life with breast cancer. I remember sitting home alone, thinking it just cannot get worse than this. I found a ziplock bag with 384 10 MG percocet's or "bananas" as I like to call them. It had a small piece of paper inside, with the number "384" written on it - I dont know how I remember that number but I do. Long story short, I threw out that piece of paper with the "count" and went to work for weeks, slowly depleting the stash. I thought this is more than enough and she STILL gets more. Now I didnt eat the entire bag but surely a good portion. I used the pills as a crutch to deal with everything going on, looking back maybe more of a way to not deal with what was going on. My mother thank god won the battle and came home, enduring more surgeries, physical therapy and pain management, a million scripts later. Also at my disposal were Ambien, Soma, Xanex, Fentanyl patches, a complete treasure chest. I really abused all of these mostly but none like the pain pills. I never withdrew from benzo's or anything else. I just liked to play when the opportunity presented itself.

Before I know it, 10 - 10 MG percocet is barely working. I used to LOVE taking 10 at once, watching a favorite movie and chain smoking cigarettes as that warm euphoric feeling rushed over my entire body (sorry so graphic, hope this does not cause any cravings). Now I was eating tons of these at home, and STILL spending all of my hard earned money to buy more. There was NEVER enough. Before I knew it, $7 a banana. This is crazy. It seemed like all the people I was associated with now either sell or abuse pain killers. I didnt even realize I had lost most of my true friends and replaced them with fellow addicts. I was in love with percocet, I had tried OC 80's and others but just wanted my bananas. Finally, my best friend got me to try a Roxy 30 - aka blue. It was love at first feeling all over. Now at this point, I had NEVER sniffed anything, never tried cocaine, and had been battling my addiction for years. My best friend who got me to try the blue was also probably one of the biggest street suppliers in recent years where I live so he had a never ending supply, and I had a never ending line of credit. He told me one day while working with him (he also owns his own business) that If I sniffed half with him he would give me what I was going to buy for free. I gave in. It burned like a motherfucker. I didnt like it really, but proceeded now to take them with him that way because that's how he does it. He says it hits quicker and you dont need as high a dosage. I just like pills.

Fast forward again not too long after. Im 26 years old, JUST lost my job for reasons beyond me (literally had nothing to do with pills), literally do not have $1 dollar to my name as I type this. Im hoping unemployment goes through. I've had a few days naturally here and there detoxing, I usually always managed one way or another to get my fix as all addicts do. I am dead broke, have a large outstanding balance with my friend and he gave me a suboxone. I've used them here or there in the past to get by without feeling withdrawals. I am on day 2 right now "clean" I guess you can say using suboxone. I had one 8 MG tablet, I took a quarter of it yesterday, another quarter today. I have actually made it an entire week using this technique but always relapse upon hanging out or working with my best friend, slash dealer. I dont feel great but I have certainly felt worse before. I know you all frown upon doing it yourself, not going to the doctor or working the steps, but this is all I have or can do for the moment. I have NO other options.

So I am on day 2 with suboxone, with having only 4 mg in 2 pieces left for the next two days. I have a pretty positive outlook, though I am hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. This drug has taken EVERYTHING from me, my money, my friends, my family, my health, my weight (I lost a ridiculous amount of weight I guess from not eating inbetween fixes and just not taking care of myself), my girl, my music, my LIFE and pursuit of happiness. I am so ready to get off this rollercoaster and have been. The sad part is, I dont remember what it's like to live life WITHOUT pills and dont remember much of who I was. I have managed to hide this from my parents all these years BTW, though they had their suspicions they think it's been long over.

I guess that's about it as of now. I have been thinking long and hard (I havent slept in the past 2 days) and realized how much I've lost and how much I still have to gain. As far as the cravings, I've fanstasized a few times but nothing to cause anxiety about suprisingly. I have accepted I have no other choice so the anxiety isnt much of a factor thankfully, but I still have a LONG road to go I am aware of this. I have nothing left to lose and only things to gain at this point but I still am weary of the future. Do you think I will detox hard from one single 8 MG suboxone spread across 4 days? I figure all the oxycodone will be out of my system, and I wont have been on the sub long enough to really feel the lasting W/D effects. I could be wrong and probably am as there is no cheating this and I brought it on myself unknowingly.

I have read all your posts, and cannot tell you how much you've all helped me without realizing it. Hat Maker, Romeo, Queenie, Ladder Tipper, ALL you guys have amazing outlooks on life and are extremely caring people and that amazes me considering we are on an internet message board. I have debated posting my story and in general many times, but finally felt ready. I dont know if my story helps anyone, but if one person relates to it or can learn from it then I am happy. I thought by 26 I would have a career, house, wife, kids, nice car, etc. I have ZERO on that list all because of pain killers and a naive approach to the slippery slope that is addiction. Suboxone really is a mericale drug, though I have never had a prescription it has helped me in dark times and I know has turnd alot of lives around. I guess Im just looking for inspiration, hope, and insight or comments from those who have been through it or are going through it. Thank you for reading, and I apologize for the length..GOD it feels good to finally get that all out!!!


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 1:00 pm 
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Hello formerself and welcome. I'm glad the forum has been beneficial to you and that you decided to participate. I hope it continues to be helpful.

I understand you're hands are tied right now. And you already know how we feel about going the legitimate route via a sub doctor, so I'll avoid that. Besides, there is something to be said for harm reduction and that is what's happening.

As for having withdrawals from suboxone. That's not really what would happen. What you're basically doing by using the sub the way you are is allowing the sub to help you taper off the full agonists - which you know is impossible to do. If you do have withdrawals, they won't likely be from the suboxone, but from your active addiction from full agonists. I hope that made sense. Besides, an opiate is an opiate is an opiate. You're going to have withdrawals either way, no matter what opiate you're taking. With any luck though, using the sub the way you are might help lessen the severity of the withdrawals.

I know you probably feel at the end of your rope right now. But you have no where to go but up. If you absolutely cannot go to a doctor, consider going to some kind of meetings (NA/AA or SMART, etc) or even therapy or groups. I'd also recommend getting some kind of addiction workbook. They help with understanding how to deal with triggers and cravings. I have a couple and they were quite helpful.

I hope this helps. Good luck and feel free to ask any questions you may have. Oh, and congratulations on taking control of your life. You can do this! For me, I'm a better, happier person now than I was even pre-addiction. You won't go back to who you were before your addiction, but depending on what all you change in your life, you could end up being an even better person during your recovery/remission.

Take care.

_________________
-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 1:36 pm 
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Welcome to the forum, I'm glad you decided to post. You said you don't have cravings for pills now, but that's because Sub blocks the cravings. Like Hat said, you may be able to withdraw on your own (you will be withdrawing from the months and years of tolerance you have built up, not from the Sub per se). The hard part is staying off the pills while you rebuild your life (especially when you know so many people using and dealing). That's why a lot of docs recommend using Sub for a year or more to give you that safety net against using. Have you considered actually getting into a Suboxone program? If you are out of work and have no income/insurance there may be state sponsored program you can get into. You have to see what's available in your area.
I know you feel like your life is really messed up, but you were right in saying that you have a long and potentially bright future ahead of you. At 26 you still have plenty of time for career, house family, etc. It's really worth considering investing some time in a good solid recovery.
Whatever you decide keep posting and we'll help you in any way we can.
Lilly


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2011 7:18 pm 
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Hey man if you can hit some AA meetings they will relly help you so you can talk to like minded people keep getting the suboxone if possible. people related w9ith drugs r not your friends. they ju8st wana get high/make money off you. took me a while to relize that, try not to hang with ure dealer as much as possible just get the subs.

Please google:"alcoholics anonymous -CITY-State-

you should get a phone number to call. so you can find a meeting and sometimes you can get people to pick y0ou up. and or take you to a meeting. since you want to get clean, if you wanna stay clean at least try a meeting. if you remove drugs, you still have all your problems that came with it. i hope you find meetings helpfull.

good ;lucki.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2011 7:24 pm 
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Hey man if you can hit some AA meetings they will relly help you so you can talk to like minded people keep getting the suboxone if possible. people related w9ith drugs r not your friends. they ju8st wana get high/make money off you. took me a while to relize that, try not to hang with ure dealer as much as possible just get the subs.

Please google:"alcoholics anonymous -CITY-State-

you should get a phone number to call. so you can find a meeting and sometimes you can get people to pick y0ou up. and or take you to a meeting. since you want to get clean, if you wanna stay clean at least try a meeting. if you remove drugs, you still have all your problems that came with it. i hope you find meetings helpfull.

good ;lucki.


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