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PostPosted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 3:49 pm 
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Hi everyone. First I just want to say thank god for this website. I have been lurking for a while reading everyone's story. I have never felt so alone in my life as I have the last year. I have non-specific chronic pain in my neck and upper back (left side only). This has been going on for 2+ years. I have every test/scan/therapy imaginable and finally ended up working with a neurologist who decided to help me with my pain via opiates. He was the ONLY dr that has ever listened to me. I trusted him. He started me on 5mg percocets and within a few months I was RX'd with 20mg oxycontins and 10 mg Percs for breakthru. Very quickly I learned that this was not near enough to manage my pain. I had a friend who lost her job and she had a RX for 240 30mgs Oxy IR. I started paying for her dr visits and her scripts and was able to get half of her script in exchange for paying for it and the visit. As u all know $350 a month is insane price for 120 30's. Needless to say, I quickly was up to over 200mg of Oxy a day. I about a month of that and my tolerance was back and I was getting no relief. After going into w/d over and over in between dr visits and stupid phatmacys saying they are out, and all the other drama that comes with this addiction, I was miserable, hopeless and completely alone and isolated. I'm also a mother and with in te legal profession. I kept my job during all of this to support my daughter, but it was a struggle beyond imagination. A few months ago I started looking into sub and I found this forum. I have been mentally preparing myself for 3 months and rescheduled my sub induction 3 times because I was sooooooooo scared. But I was so tired of living this way and I felt like such a horrible mom. The pills ran my life. Every event of every day was based on when I took my medicine, how much I had, if I had to ration. It was awed ur as u all know. And mostly I was terrified of the dreaded 24 per sub period of WD. I was scared to death and couldn't talk to anyone about it. This website and all of ur stories gave me the hope and strength to make the choice. Yesterday, was my it's day on suboxone. I am in shock. It is like a miracle. I am so thankful I made the choice. I still have hit sweaty flashes and some pain in my neck/back, but overall I feel good and pretty much normal. It makes the 24 hour WD WORTH IT!!!!! I feel like I can live again and be a mother again. I know there are many struggles ahead and it will be a long battle. But it's a start and I feel like anything is possible if I made it this far. Thank you all for ur sharing ur stories and experiences. It made me decide to change. Bless you all and good luck to each and every one of us. The opiate battle is not won easily and defiantly cannot be won alone without support. I am on day 2 of sub and things are looking bright. However I know there will be dark days and I am so thankful for this site as a place to come where people understand what I am going thru. Thank you again and good luck!!!


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 5:01 pm 
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Hello Miss E, and congrats on making the changes in your life that you have recently made. I agree that getting on Suboxone was such a relief...no more counting pills, wondering if you will be able to get more by the time you run out, worrying about being arrested, etc. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life, that's for sure.

I'm glad this forum has helped you so much. It's nice to know that we are not alone in this, and there are other people out there who have, or are currently experienced the exact same things! Welcome to the forum.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 9:37 pm 
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WELCOME
and congrats on taking such a huge leap to change your life :D

This website/forum has really helped me alot too. I was very thankfull to have found it when I did.

your right there are some struggles ahead, the great thing is, we dont ever have to overcompensate with opiates agian.
Your story, sounds pretty 'normal' to me, LOL. Ive done the whole 'paying for the Rx, doctor visit" before too. People that think drug addicts are lazy, are just plain stupid. Its A TON of work to live an addiction. Thats one of the things I love so much , the PEACE!!!!!!

Oh yea, and around here, 30s were going for 20-25 dollars EACH, at least 14 months ago they were, LOL

Glad that crap's behind me!!!

wishing you the best, and agian, welcome :lol:

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hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 10:50 pm 
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Thank you so much for replying. It means a lot. I feel so proud of myself to have made it this far. It sucks to not be able to share my excitement with those close to me as I couldn't tell anyone what I was going through. So just knowing that there are others out there to talk to and share with make it a lot better. I suffer from chronic pain, so right now I don't know if I will maintain on sub fit a while or try to get off and see what I feel like. But that can be decided later. Im just so happy to not be digging in my purse every 3 hours and hiding to take my med at work or away from daughter and friends, and counting then every day trying to figure out how many I can survive till I have to hunt again. It's strange and feels do relieving. I've been on sub since 10am yesterday and I'm starting to get real bad sweats and was pretty tired today, but overall I feel good. I'm at 2 1/2 8mg tabs. I think tomorrow I will try a little less. Thank u for welcoming me and good luck to you all:)


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 4:03 am 
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Miss E, I think you're Miss A for Awesome! (How's that for corny!) You should be so proud of yourself to have found a way out of your active addiction! I'm glad you did your homework, found sub and found us too! Your daughter now has her mommy back!

That is what kicked me out of my crazy addiction cycle. I was lying in my bed feeling, withdrawing, and feeling absolutely wretched. I demanded of myself, "Is THIS who you are? Are you going to let this continue? What about your husband and son? Doesn't your son deserve the best mom possible???"

My son is so important to me that I couldn't keep checking out of his life. I'm sure you feel the same about your daughter. But you deserve even more credit because you didn't have anyone to support you!

Keep up the good work!

Amy

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 12:23 pm 
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Amy,
Thank you tons for your response. I can't tell you how wonderful it is just to be able to people to talk to who i know wont judge me or call me names or be paranoid that they will call child services if they knew about my life. I am very proud of you and decision as well. Out of curiosity, what were you using, and how long? How old is your little boy? How long have been on Sub?

I am pretty sure has saved me in more ways than one. A few days ago, i was cleaning out my purse and I was trowing away all of my old pill bottles I carry around with me. Anyways, my daughter saw me throwing them out and she had the biggest smile on i've ever seen. She said 'Mommy, you dont need your medicine anymore?" I told her that i still needed a little but only once a day. She looked so happy at that moment and i just hated myself for what i have been doing to her. It wasnt right. But when your in severe pain, and an addict, its not about right and wrong its about surviving. I feel like I have not been living the last year of my life, only surviving. It was so unfair to my beautiful daughter. There is nothing worse than looking in the mirror in the morning and telling yourself that it's ok to spend grocery money on pills because without them you cant go to work to get grocery money and having my daughter make herself ramen noodles for dinner because i cant afford real food this week...

But I can't dwell on that. Have to stay positive and try to move forward. This is going to be the hardest part for me. I get so down on myself. I am beyond thankful for this site, and i come on here and read at least twice a day since i started subs. I have had addiction problems in the past when i was younger with other drugs. They never got ahold of me the way oxy's did though. I was able to stop all of my other past addictions pretty much on my own, without rehab or counseling or anything. I have never felt so out of control as i have this past year. I used the fact that i was in pain to justify everything i was doing, which was just wrong and i hope i can make it up to my daughter all the time we lost.

Good luck to you and i hope you and your family are doing better now that you are in recovery. I am just taking one day at a time. I haven't even told my family what i have been going through, and i dont think i will for a while because i know they will just think i am an addict still because i am on subs. It is too much to deal with right now, so for now, i am thankful to have found this site for information, support and incredibly strong and awsome people!
Take care and good luck!!! :)
~ E


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