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PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2015 12:44 am 
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I've always known I've had addictive traits because I started smoking when I was 13 yrs old, partied pretty hard at a young age and experimented with a few things here and there but mainly enjoyed marijuana until my husband came into my life when I was 20 yrs old. Well he made it very clear after the first few months of dating and living together that he couldn't marry anyone who smoked, cigarettes nor marijuana. I decided I couldn't be without him ( had been previously married with the guy for 4 yrs, married 1 yr), after not dating anyone for a whole year soul searching, I held my standards high and he passed every "test". So I i decided it was definitely worth it, to give those things that I loved, up! We got married a year to the date when we first met and a year later we started a family. We were happy. I drank very rarely and he liked to have a beer at night to unwind. I went to the gym 5 days a week and lived a 90% sober lifestyle. Started a successful photography career and my husband had a growing trucking company. Life was great. Fast forward 3 years, 2013, 3 kids and 2 successful businesses. My husband found out a guy he worked with was on pills, we dabbled here and there prior when we had injuries and prescriptions from the dr. We knew we liked the way they made us feel so when my husband found out about his buddy he hit him up and that's when it all went downhill from there. fast forward to now and my husband gave up on his business mainly due to the slow down of economy where we live its a booming oilfield that has it's regular ups and downs and if it hadn't of been for our addiction our business could have easily sustained itself through this slow time. I'm sure you all know what i mean. Thankfully my business is still thriving but since my addiction grew over these past few years I know i need to get my priorities straight or it will not last much longer. After many attempts of quitting CT and relapses I found myself searching for help from professionals this week. Yesterday I had my first appointment with a Family physician who also practices in substance abuse. I was terrified to go because my town is small and I'm pretty well known with my business and I'm not someone you would peg to be an opiate addict by far. I am ashamed of where I am in my life and how I let one stupid choice dictate and control me to my all time low. I feel like the "old happy, healthy me" is soon close but so out of reach at the same time if that makes sense?! I've been spending hours upon hours reading stories on here this past week, that both inspire and terrify me, but the support is what is amazing to me and something that I think will be invaluable to getting the recovery I need....... I hope I can keep posting and journaling on here as a way to stay accountable and motivated to start my new life into recovery and learn new tools to cope with life as an addict. Thank you all in advance for the inspiration to keep going. Hopefully this all makes sense and I didn't jump around too much :wink:


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2015 11:28 am 
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Hello Kolee..
Welcome to the best prosub forum anywhere. So glad you found us. Sorry for the late welcome.

So, Are yoh now on sub? You didnt reallly say. And your hubby, what is he planing to do ? Start with you?

You have a lot to gain and keep getting off thoses pills now. Sounds like you have a nice family and plenty to work for .

Let me tell you, we ve all had losses, I lost much. But because of this treatment ive gained so much back in my life.

I get the sence your worring about getting off this med before even starting?,Maybe?

Just an opinion or guess on my part. Many things you read could scare you, but from my experiences with Buprenorphine after 41/2 years, It has been a lifesaver. ..if you have more questions please ask us, we are here to help

Razor....


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2015 11:54 am 
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Thanks so much. I'm very grateful that I found such an amazing forum! Razor55 Yes I started them wednesday :) My husband has very strong will power and has been off opiates for 5 weeks now without any issues so he will not be using subs as a recovery tool. He doesn't have any desire to use again and no w/d symptoms since week 2, wish I was that lucky! I went 3 weeks clean and couldn't bare the anxiety and "knots in my stomach" also still feeling very fatigued and unmotivated even at 3 weeks and then I had to get some work caught up so what did I turn to? Yep its a vicious cycle for me. I was back at it for a week and a half before I finally decided i can't do this on my own anymore and I sought out help last week. You are correct I am worrying about becoming dependent on sb. I know its going to be a process but I am a total whimp when it come to withdrawing and I being the "researcher" I am lol I have read a lot of stories about the horrible withdrawals from this medication. So its a little bit scary for me but I am determined and willing to do the work I need to do to get well :)


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2015 2:34 pm 
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Hi Kolee,

I have always thought that addiction occurs on a continuum. It takes control of some people worse than others. Therefore there is no use in comparing yourself to your husband or any other addict.

Take me. I wasn't someone who partied hard in my younger years. Nothing but alcohol and some clove cigarettes here and there. Yet I became addicted in my mid 30s after my mom died. I hadn't tried various drugs but when I took percocet it made me feel so good! And, more importantly it numbed my feelings of pain and loss. I was able to make a call for help before I experienced any really negative consequences. Does that make me better than addicts who lose their jobs, money, and family before they get help? Not to me. It just means that my addiction wasn't as progressed as some people, I didn't have a whole bunch of childhood trauma compounding my addiction, etc.

My point, which I hope I made :) is that comparing yourself to your husband isn't helpful. Just concern yourself with what you need.

I'm glad you like the therapist at your clinic. I'm earning my masters degree in addiction studies and I hope to be a person who makes a difference in other addicts' lives. It's as much an art as it is a science.

Welcome! I hope you stick around!

Amy

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2015 2:37 pm 
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Welcome Kolee!!

Congrats on starting ur sub treatment. Ur gonna realize what a miracle this medication really is. I know exactly what ur talking about with the anxiety and depression coming off opiates and it's the worst feeling ever. I could stop using, I just couldn't handle the awful cravings and anxiety/depression. It literally made me feel like I didn't wanna even get out of bed and live normal day to day life anymore. I stopped for around 5 months once and couldn't handle the horrible feeling so I relapsed. After that, I started my sub treatment. That was almost four years ago.

My life has so many positive things now and I never think about using anymore. Suboxone will give u the time to repair things in ur life that was damaged during ur active addiction. Some of us may be possibly on this medication for life while others just need time to figure out for themselves when to stop. You'll know what's best for u, but don't rush it. Glad ur here, this place is a great support system :)

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2015 7:00 pm 
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Thank you all for the encouraging words! Amy I totally get it and I wasn't necessarily trying to compare myself with my husband I was just explaining to razor why my husband wasn't going to start treatment with the subs. Thats such an awesome goal to set out for. By reading others posts and your replies I see how knowledgeable you are with everything, you will be such an influential role in many peoples lives more than you already are! That's so wonderful! JenJen thank you so much. That anxiety stuff is a killer for sure and I can't believe it lasted 5 months!!!!!! I hope that isn't the case for me but I wouldn't doubt it to be but I know that I want to stay clean more than anything and if that means with a little assistance I will accept that! I just know indefinitely I never want to go back to what I was doing and to do that involves never using again. I have ALOT of addiction that runs in my family. My grandparents are all alcoholics, My mother also an opiate pill addiction, My aunt just recently got admitted to rehab for opiate pill addiction and my (1out of 3 siblings)brother is a heroin addict. I thought I was above it because I was so clean for 10 years of my well put together life lol nope and that realization was a very humbling one. A lot of people were really amazed at the life I made for myself because of the childhood I had but I guess the saying is true "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" to an extent right?! I really took pride in that but addiction can get anyone no matter where you are in life! I had this stupid idea in my head when people were warning me, that I told myself if I could quit smoking I could quit anything else easily because I thought that was one of the hardest things I've had to kick BOY WAS I WRONG!!! And STUPID! Anyways I hope down the line I can be as much help to someone else as you all are to so many people on here! I really appreciate the support and encouragement I've already received in such a short amount of time


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 05, 2015 1:43 am 
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It's well known in psychological circles that childhood trauma messes with your brain. It doesn't make you less smart but it paves the way for maladaptive (inappropriate to your environment) behavior to start. There is not necessarily a straightforward timeline as to when it affects you.

So that adage "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is especially not true for children. I'm not saying you haven't been strong because I'm sure you have. I'm also not saying that what you experienced as a child makes you not responsible for the choices you make now. All I'm saying, and this is actually very significant, is that the way your brain learns to protect you as a child sets you up for unhealthy ways of dealing with stressors as an adult. With that and your genetic predisposition, the cards were stacked against you, probably more so than your husband. Addiction has biological roots and environmental ones as well.

I consider bodyweight as having the same kind of set up. If you have a genetic predisposition toward being overweight and you experience childhood trauma, the deck is stacked against you being really thin. My mother was morbidly obese when she died at 59. She came from a line of overweight family members. When she was 5 years old her alcoholic father molested her. When her mother came home my mom told her what happened. Her mother said, "Here Marylou, have a cookie," and sat her down with a cookie while her mother went and (I assume) yelled at her husband. I'm overweight as well though not even close to what my mom weighed. But then, although I experienced plenty of my father shaming my mother, I wasn't sexually abused like her either.

Neither an addict nor an overweight person is absolved of responsibility for their choices. It may be much harder for us to live a life of recovery (or thinness), but we can work at it and eventually get there. Just imagine that our lives may resemble a climb up Mount Everest compared the the climb of a New England Mountain for people without our predisposition. And we may need more tools, gear, and bottled Oxygen than the average Joe. :)

I always hope that the fact that we all have a mountain to climb, whether large or small, will prompt us to treat each other with kindness instead of the stigma we often face.

I'm sorry that I went totally off subject in my reply to you! Lol! Once I got going I didn't want to quit apparently. :oops: :D

We are really glad to have you here!

Amy

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