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PostPosted: Wed Dec 22, 2010 6:08 am 
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Another rough night...uggghhhh. I feel so defeated.

I had such a great day yesterday around 5pm the restless leg started to kick in and one that started, it was all down hill. Once it starts there is no calming down untill i pass out. Unfortuneatly the only way I've been able to stop it is to medicate myself to sleep. I seriously felt so proud that I made it all day without a major freakout and then 5pm rolled in and knocked me back on my butt.

Maybe today I can go longer. I'm scared to death that it's going to happen in an hour or middle of the day. Once thing I do notice it seems to be worse when I'm tired.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 22, 2010 8:44 am 
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Restless leg is always worse when you are tired. I got it before opiates and my mom has it. I can't tell you how many times I would take benadryl on a red eye flight to sleep and then end up with RLS the whole time. Finally I figured out the benadryl was GIVING me the restless leg. Having it on a plane is the WORST.

In my experience, your doctor is WRONGO! Someone posted recently online a professional nursing journal that even said sub didn't cause withdrawal. I wrote to the journal and told them that this was incorrect and they wrote back studies showing it is correct and said you can't believe everything you read online. Hmmmmm. I wonder WHO paid for those studies eh? The medical community doesn't seem to have any interest in being accurate with this and it is to the detriment of the patients. And doctors wonder why patients feel the need to self medicate and be their own doctors? Because the medical system we have isn't reliable or accurate....that's why! Are we all imagining the enlarged pupils for weeks on end and the sneezing? I don't know about you but I had mass sneezing fits.

I can say that the symptoms lessen every day just a little tiny bit and it does get better and better. But it does take a long time for the RLS and insomnia and fatigue to go away. I would say 2 weeks they get better and then at 6 weeks they are pretty much gone. For me the fatigue lingered far longer but I jumped from a higher amount so it is hard to compare. There was a survey once and I think most people felt the WD lasted about 6 weeks or longer. BUT they are still livable for the most part. You can get through it. It just isn't comfortable.

Thinking of you.

Cherie

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:48 am 
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If I remember correctly, this is day 4, right?

You are doing just fine for day 4. As Jackcrack said, the RLS is always worse when your tired or sitting still.

You said something amazing, you had such a great day yesterday. I know at 5pm the RLS started, but at least you had part of a great day. That is HUGE progress.

Remember, wd won't all of a sudden go away. It seems to come and go in waves. At first the waves are hitting you every split second, then as you move further through recovery the waves get smaller and hit less frequently.

Hang in there, you're doing great!

BTW, you should be SO proud you made it all day without a major freak-out. Your brain is healing itself and there's some proof of it.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 22, 2010 12:06 pm 
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Romeo: Friday late afternoon was my last dose. So I guess I'm in between day 4/5 full days without a dose. But regardless, I never thought of it like that. That is a very good point and made me feel good.

i have a major migrane today but emotionally I feel good. As far as I can tell (knock on wood *knocks on head*) I do not have any physical wd symptoms. One thing that surprised me that I just realized when I thought about physical symptoms is that I'm not FREEZING anymore. I had been so frigid no matter if the room was 80 degrees or what. When I think about it, I think last night was actually the turning point, I started to get really hot, sweaty even so I stripped down the layers and cooled off. Since then I haven't felt the need to bundle up. I would say as of right now, headache aside, I feel great.

HOWEVER, that damn RLS is frightening. I'm obsessing over it. Right now I'm off work so I have no problem knocking myself out at night but once work starts I can't keep doing that, i need to be alert. I'm hoping today I can go longer than 5pm before symptoms start appearing or even better, they do NOT appear. My doctor has been honest and have always said the worst of it will be over in a week but will have lingering effects that may take months to resolve. We've done alot of damage to our brain so it takes time to rebuild what we broke.

I don't have much of an appetite right now which I didn't even realize until this morning. i realized I haven't been eating much. What's even stranger is I haven't eaten ice cream which I am hooked on. lol. I would eat it every night but I haven't touched since Friday night. Weird...

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. It really is helping and I'm really happy I can see things change day by day. I've thought for sooooo long that "I can't do it, i don't care I'll take sub forever to avoid the pain" but now i'm feeling like "why did I wait so long". This isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination but it gives me a short glimpse of being on my own again, Like I was before all the bad stuff in my life happened. Before I took a wrong turn down a dark and lonely road. Sub helped stop that behavior, now it's up to me to complete the transition. I can only hope it will come sooner than later. i am begging, pleading, praying, whatever other words can be used for a fast and effective recovery. Punish me for another week, maybe 2 but man i really hope the RLS doesn't last months. That thought is scarey and depressing. One that i fear will defeat me. David vs Goliath (me vs RLS)...hnmmm i guess I can defeat the monster


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 22, 2010 12:28 pm 
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You mention the David vs Goliath thing and it reminded me of something I felt after my hardest wd symptoms passed, I felt like I was the badest MF'er on the planet. I had the strength and good fortune to survive what my addiction told me I would not be able to survive. I honestly NEVER thought I would be where I am today, my addiction had me convinced that I could not do it. But, like I said, once I got to a certain point I felt like I could lift a skyscraper. It's an awesome feeling.

I do not wish to scare you, I only wish to prepare you...most of us find recovery to be somewhat of a rollercoaster. Feel great one minute then BAM, feel crappy again. You may have days coming up that you feel like it's all behind you, then the next day you don't feel as good as the previous day...it tends to screw with your mind. Just wanted you to know.

By only reading 6 words of your post I knew you were doing better (knock on wood *knocks on head*), I laughed out loud. Your humor is returning, that's a really good sign.

BTW, I'm going to go ahead and call today day 5 for you. Piss on day 4. :D

OMG, we must be brothers...I love me my ice cream too. But I would never skip my ice cream like you did...tsk..tsk


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 Post subject: Encouraged
PostPosted: Wed Dec 22, 2010 4:20 pm 
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I am so encouraged by Desire's experience. I have been slowly tapering. I am at 1 mg now. I am on the strips and I will try cutting them in to 8 little pieces to get to the 1/2 mg. That seems so silly but from everything I have read here and everywhere else, thats what you have to do.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 22, 2010 8:10 pm 
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Just a quick update. Although I know the road ahead isn't going to be peaches and cream, today I can already say I have improved from the day before. It's now 7pm and I'm just waking up from an hour and half drug free nap!!!! RLS is nowhere to be found for the moment. Can't believe I actually fell asleep on my own. I was starting to get the cold sweats, a little anxious so I decided to lay down in a dark quiet basement (my man cave) and next thing I knew I was waking up.

Might actually be able to get in some ice cream tonight. 8)

I am still feeling a bit anxious but it's controllable for now.

I also just realized how much junk food I've been eating when I went looking for cookies and my wife said "didn't you just buy some". Then I remembered last night...waking up from a seroquel induced sleep, without dinner, devouring cookies like the cookie monster...then added seroquel and back to sleep. lol


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 23, 2010 6:15 am 
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Well, put myself to sleep with seroquel last night. Woke up around 1:30am and played the game of falling asleep/waking up for a few hours. I could have taken more seroquel but wanted to try and see if I could fall back asleep naturally. I am pretty tired but overall I feel somewhat normal. The abnormal feeling I have is waiting/wondering/expecting the next anxiety attack or RLS attack. Almost like it's a certainty it will return. If i could let go of that fear I would be much better off. Today is going to be a true test. My daughter and I are taking a trip to my sisters house. I'm kinda scared I'm going to have a freak out session there. If I do, I'm in trouble. She doesn't know about my issue. In fact, only my wife and father know. Long story short, but my mom passed away unexpectedly a few years ago which is the primary reason I ended up on this road. Pills hid the pain i felt, but caused a great deal more pain that i was hiding.

Anyway, I hope I can keep it together. If I start to feel any kind of issue I'm going to have to pack up and go. I already prepped her by saying I can only stay for a short time. I think I'll be ok...but that doubt is a killer stress. Then I have to worry about xmas eve...should be interesting.

I am very thankful I did not have any RLS issues last night. That was a pleasant surprise...i thought for sure it would return.

I wrote on our little message board "Each day will get better" so when I pass it during the day I can remind myself of this. At my stressful times yesterday I just had to keep telling myself that.

I really do hope that regardless of where I end up from this point forward, right now the overall process has been hard, but very do-able. Don't let the negative posts scare you from trying. Remember, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Follow your docs taper plans, get down to the lowest possible does and when you are ready, take time off from work and make sure you have someone to support you through it. My wife has been amazing and understanding. i feel bad because she returns to work next week from maternity leave so this week she needed as a calm before the storm type of break but instead it turned into storm before the perfect storm.

So, here's to wishing myself (and any others going along this journey) a long and anxiety free day. Cheerios....(ok so what if it's coco puffs...I'm coo coo for coco puffs)


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 23, 2010 10:29 am 
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I had some of the same fears about going out in public or to a friends house...I thought, what if I totally crack up? Well, it never happened. Once you get out and get going the actual 'crack up' leaves your mind and you tend to focus on what's in front of you. The worry is the hardest part.

As far as coco puffs go, there swell and all, but I was more of a Count Chocula guy....Awww, the marshmallows. :D

Hope your day goes well. Keep reading your little "each day will get better" sign, because it's true...hard as hell to really believe, but true.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 23, 2010 4:09 pm 
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Desire - What day is it now? You sound like you're doing great, Romeo has a good point and you'll probably realize after you'r visit to you'r sisters that it's even better that she doesn't know what is going on because then you'll have to avoid thinking, and talking about how bad you feel/felt. This alone will make you feel so much better than before you got there I am sure. I had to do this with my whole girfriends family and it was much better than I could have imagined and I felt much much better while I was there. Now I don't like being alone because as long as my mind isn't dwelling and exaggerating the discomfort I feel I am fine. Good luck, merry Christmas and happy new year, it is really going to be a NEW YEAR for us!


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 23, 2010 7:05 pm 
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Romeo, that is a riot because I love count chocula..i just happened to have coco puffs. Sad really...a grown man can't live without his kiddie cereal. lol

Today wasn't too bad. My wife ended up coming with me. I didn't have any freakouts but I felt pretty down in the dumps. too many reminders of how xmas isn't the same without my mom. I'm feeling more upbeat now listening to my baby girl chat away..ohhh...wwwwww...waaaaaa...ggaaaaaaa..lol so precious.

I'm really going crazy inside though. Each night around this time the anxiety starts setting in. I can't take this feeling it makes me crazy inside. I need to sleep but I'm trying to hang in for as long as I can as I'm trying to let my wife nap. she is exhausted. I'm really not sure I'm going to be able to handle tomorrow night. Maybe if I sleep during the day it will help.

You know what, i'm trying to post right now to distract myself but it's not working. Breaking out in a massive sweat. It's unbelieveable the difference between night and day.....it's like night and day. yeah, I'm losing it.... :shock:

I'll try again later... :(


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 24, 2010 6:47 am 
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Inneed: Sorry for not responding yesterday I was really not in the right mind frame if you couldn't tell. Today will be day 7 i guess. Last week on this day was my last dose so tomorrow will be a full week of no dosing. I feel like I am doing pretty good but at the same time the mind games are really hard to deal with. Usually, the mind games end up being much much easier than I worry about. Like my trip yesterday. I was fine the entire time. As I mentioned, i felt really sad which I'm sure it was attributed to the wd's but also because of the time of year. It's a really hard time for me. So many memories of my mom. i'm not sure why holidays are always so hard but they are so being in wd's during this makes it a bit harder.

I agree with you and Romeo. I think it did make it easier not telling her. My dad actually talked me out of it before I went which I'm thankful for.

As for last night... It's obvious now that when I get tired as the day goes on, the restless feeling I have starts to take over. I just can't seem to overcome that part. No matter what I try to do, it feels impossible to distract myself. How do you distract myself. I went for a nap around 6:30, fell asleep on my own again and slept for an hour or so...fell back asleep..and again until I woke up at 11pm wide awake. I stayed awake for an hour or so and realized I wasn't going back to sleep so I took more seroquel. Now here I am the next morning feeling fine. Sneezing here and there but that is probably my only symptom at the moment. Otherwise I feel normal (well, normal compared to how I felt with my last dose) It's been so long since I've been truly normal I wouldn't know it if it smacked me upside the head and stomped on my private parts.

Tonight is the big night. It's not that I'm scared but it's i will be VERY disappointed if I cannot handle attending either party. I really want the rest of my family and wifes family to finally meet my daughter. This is so important to me that In a small way, I kinda wished I waited till tomorrow to be my last dose. But, it is what it is I can't turn back time. I have to try something new today i guess. I've been staying up from 4am and getting anxious around 5pm, falling asleep around 6pm which is fine for any other day but today I think I am going to take a long nap (maybe medically induced) before the party in hopes I will be rested and relaxed for the remainder of the night. I've also been trying to avoid caffiene other than my morning cup of coffee so the coffee doesn't make me feel adverse effects (other than waking my butt up) so maybe if I have another cup later......or maybe not. I could easily have the opposite effect and make me more anxious.. Based on what my body has been feeling, I'm gathering that isn't the case. Like I said, when my body/mind slows down, that's when the worst hits. Either way, please pray, beg, barter or whatever you can do, with the almighty to give me the strength to make it through tonight.

Does anyone think ativan would be a good idea? It doesn't really make me tired like klonapin does. I guess it can't hurt. If I'm at the party and start to lose control we are going to have to leave anyway so I might as well try something before leaving. At least I will know if I can make it to the next party....I dunno. Just trying to find a way to make it work.

So, enough of my long winded, coffee induced posting for the morning. Thanks all for taking the ride with me and for providing insight.


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 24, 2010 11:26 am 
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I just asked God to give you the strength and wisdom to deal with anything that comes your way, not just for tonight...but always.

Your going to be alright. One step at a time tonight, OK.

Good Luck and have a wonderful Christmas Eve.


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 24, 2010 12:10 pm 
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Thanks Romeo!! I really hope it works.

Right now, I'm actually finding myself very depressed. I honestly don't know if it's just my constant thinking of my mother and how hard this time is or if it's the wd's and depression that can linger. I am on anti-depressants which have been a huge help to me but right now it's not the case. I guess only time will tell which it is.

Maybe some of it could be I'm expecting the worse tonight, which really sucks. I cannot wait for today/tomorrow to be over.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 25, 2010 8:17 am 
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Merry Xmas to all!

I wasn't able to pull through last night. My wife and I talked about it and we both felt that it wouldn't be fair if we got to her families house and all of a sudden I started freaking out. Which at the time was a difficult decision but it was the right one. So, it's in the past now all i can do is move forward.

My concern now is why does this keep happening every night? Is it ever going to get better or did I do some kind of damage that I'll never be able to overcome. Last night was pretty bad. I slept naturally from about 7 to 10 then woke up and had a very restless almost as bad as night #4 (I think it was that night). I finally passed out thanks to the extra dose I had to take of seroquel. I had talked to my doc the other day about these attacks and he said it was all perfectly normal and will take some time to disappear and to take additional seroquel as needed. I hope he is right. I wish I knew if there was something else I could do to make these nights easier. I start back to work Monday, as well as my wife from being on Maternity so she is going to need to sleep more. She has been taking all night feedings and such with the baby.

On a positive note. Today is day 8. First day of no dose was last saturday. Tonight I'm going to do everything in my power to fight through whatever symptoms I'm having to stay up as late as possible. Usually I've been crashing around 5 or 6 pm. I'm going to try to make it till 9pm at least. I have to find someway to cope with these rather than falling asleep.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 25, 2010 8:24 am 
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Opiate use/abuse, no matter how long term, doesn't cause any "damage" to us/our brain. It could be, and this is just my opinion of a possibility, that you are now at a point where you are expecting your evenings/night to be bad. Sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Also, are you more active and distracted during the day than you are in the evenings? What if each night before this happens you go out on a nice, long jog? They say exercise is an excellent way to deal with withdrawal symptoms. Just a thought I had. You never know, maybe it will nip those episodes in the bud.

I really hope you get to feeling better soon.

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 25, 2010 9:10 am 
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I think you could very well be right. I think about nights all day, and it's almost like I look at the clock and think "ok time to freak out" and then it happens. Physically, I feel fine and have felt fine for days. It's the damn mental issue I seem to have trouble with. I knew that would be the case from day 1 so I really have to find a way to distract myself at night. Problem is I'm up at 4am...by 5pm I'm so tired I just want to fall asleep. I'm not quite up for a jog just yet, in fact, I hate jogging. It hurts my back but I should try to at least go for a brisk walk. I am going to try that tonight. I owe it to myself and my family.

Thanks hat! Made me feel better, like there is hope. Just gotta knock that devil off my shoulder I guess.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 25, 2010 1:17 pm 
Everyone always says "exercise" while in withdrawal but i dont know if they mean acute withdrawal or during the start of PAWS. If the are talking about acute withdrawal in my opinion that is a joke, no one is going to go out running when they are shitting themselves dead and have no energy, in acute withdrawal just getting up and be able to go and take a shower takes everything out of me and seems like a huge task. Not taking a swipe at anyone who recommends exercise but its usualy people who are still taking there daily dose of sub that are telling it to the ones withdrawaling so they dont realy understand how bad it can get. Sub withdrawal is no easier than any other withdrawal IMO, it may be a little milder but the duration more than makes up for that in terms of misery. When I was thrown in jail and without my subs for 12 days i felt like the withdrawal hadnt even peaked by day 12 and thats pretty worrysome to me. I just try not to think about it but I know one day I'll probably have to stop taking it and am gonna be in for a miserable couple months.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 26, 2010 6:44 am 
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suboxowned: I think it's been a proven fact that excercise will help. I do agree with you it's much easier said than done and although I still haven't excercised, it really hasn't been due to the withdrawal, it's just due to either me being lazy, unmotivated or making excuses on why not to. I also do not have a gym membership and with my depressino issues it basically leaves me so self concious that I don't even go because I'm embarrassed. It's still good advice whether one chooses to take it or not.

Anyway, I had the BEST day yet yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!! We went to my uncles for our usual xmas lunch. Spent time with some family. Some new family got to meet my daugther. I had periods where I felt yucky as far as body aching went which at the same time brought my mood down but overall it was nothing to cringe over. A couple advil and I felt better.

Then, the most amazing thing happened...it was 5pm. We left my uncles to come home. I was totally fine. We got home...6pm came, 7pm came, 8pm came, 9pm came....I fell asleep. 11pm came, I woke up...12:30pm came I still couldn't fall alseep so i ended up taking more seroquel. Point being. NO FREAKOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I made it the entire night without feeling that uncontrollable anxiety. My assumption is that it's because I was so distracted all day I never felt it but I remember many times when getting home thinking about the freakout but it still never came. Could it be? Could it really be that I am over that hump? Man that would be the best xmas gift!!!!!!! So, here's to today...I am very hopeful that I can string two freakout-less days together.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 26, 2010 6:50 am 
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I left something out...intentionally but you know what...screw it. It was a big step.....my wife and I even did the horizontal polka :D That was the first time in a week that I have even thought about that which is not normal for me :oops:

Again, since jumping off last Saturday...yesterday was the BEST day yet!!!!! Each day has been typically better, but yesterday was leaps and bounds better than the day before. I really am trying to be realistic and think that won't be the case each day but either way, it was a spirit lifter and a hope giver. That alone is worth it's weight in gold.


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