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PostPosted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 10:13 pm 
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Matt2,

I appreciate the advice. ANd like i said in the begining, this is my third time. And i know, each relapse gets worse, my last one (1.75 yrs ago), I got off the subs, and my dad told me, "if you start using again, im kicking you out of the house" (thinking tough love would work). Well, obviously I started using. I was poppin 10 percs at a time becuase oxys are hard to get, and I used like that for about a week. WHen I finally realized what Id done, i figured my parents wouldnt help becuase of what my dad said, so i made a choice. I put on a 75mcg FENTANYL patch on a wednesday, and friday I checked into the local hotel. I brought a bottle of brandy, 25 xanax, and about 75 clonodine (from a past relapse). I locked my hotel door, wrote and signed a formal DNR, wrote letters to each person in my life that i cared about. Sent a text to a few family members that I loved them and started my task. I drank half a bottle of brandy, took 25 xanax, and planned on putting a plastic bag over my head before I passed out. (Now before I continue, if anyone has ever been where I was, I dont know if it was just me, but there was a certain amount of peace in knowing it would all be over soon, not even heroin got me that numb, it was ZEN). Well, I passed out before i got the bag on my head, woke up at 6 am (STILL ALIVE!) So i went to the clonodine bottle and took them all. Fell back asleep, woke up around 11am. Again, still alive (I think someone was looking out for me). At that point I realized that i gave suicide my best, anyone else doing that amount should have died no problem, but i hung in there. I somehow managed to drive home and slur to my mother what id done. Next I know im drinking charcoal, then I wake up 3 days later alive, and kicking (from rls).

I guess the moral of my story is, I think someones got bigger plans for me, Im still seeing my counselor once every two weeks, and shes told me that all it will take is a phone call to get me back on subs if i relapse. Well, this time im diggging my heels in and IM going to make it work. IM only 21, Im not saying ill live to 70 and never bang heroin again, but I can only live one day at a time, and today, no opiates. Thats good enough for me. Ive been at this drug thing since I was 15. Ive been sober now 2 years almost. Im hoping that this story can give someone some hope, I know i felt empty before, but now, I can do anything, heck, I was just appointed TEAM LEADER at my job for a new improvement team. Things are good. I want things to work for you all too.....


Clark


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:04 pm 
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Dude, that was a real deep message. You can tell your maturity because of your unselfish way at the end of your message you gave everyone your blessings and wished them the same good fortune you are having.
I don't know how any one lives through what you ate but you did it. I'm happy for you and especially your parents. It must be the most painful think to bury your child.
Whatever your doing is working so keep doing it and take the doctors advice of being put back on the subs if you need to. The addict in us may say let me get a fast run in for maybe 2 weeks then I'll go on the subs. The think is you might not make it back on the subs. Alot can happen in a 2 week run.
Your letter was very encouraging and I think your going to be alright.

angelo212


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 10:57 pm 
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I know that the point where you plan on kicking the subs is hard. SO i want people to know its doable. And this last time wasnt bad. If yo ucan get down to crumbs youll be alright. It seems like everyday i dont use is an accomplishement, cause im actually doing it myself, not the suboxone helping me out. I hope I can make it stick, i want to, ive got a girlfriend of 3 years and just found out my brother is going to be a dad. So now im an uncle. IM not exactly a father, but i almost feel i have a responsibility now. NO more messing up, so for now, im good. 2 yrs from now, I hope the same...


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 11, 2009 2:27 pm 
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Aggro,

Not sure if you're still checking this thread but how are you doing now? It's July. I know everyone is being honest but I knid of wish people weren't so negative on here. How bout just telling Aggro great job and remind him/her they can do it! Positive feedback ya know? Well, what do I know?

Anyway as I read your posts the thing that stands out is the whole learning to live again thing. I have had a great 4 years on opiates/suboxone and I didn't enjoy it a bit! I've been all over the world, had success at work and in my personal life but couldn't quite enjoy it. I look forward to experiencing real life again. I'm at 1 mg a day and feel good about that. I'm taking my sweet time tapering down.

BTW, what does PAWS stand for?


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 19, 2009 5:39 pm 
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hey all... im still doing good.. had a close call with some lortabs... but i didnt use... i didnt want to throw away my 2 yrs of sobriety. Ive been off subs for over a month now... cant remember exactly the date... but I feel completely normal. I will say that staying sober is still an everyday effort, but im not really craving, its all just staying out of that ever so familiar drug life. But still im good, i feel good, and im still doing strong. PAWS is post acute withdrawal symptoms.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 19, 2009 5:52 pm 
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i still have issues sleeping tho... like only 2 or 3 hours at a time...


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 Post subject: A Slave????
PostPosted: Thu Jul 23, 2009 3:38 pm 
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I have to disagree with being a slave to a "little orange pill". before I start I want to say that I congratulate anyone who gets themselves off any medication and is okay after doing so. But I want others to know that ITS OKAY TO BE ON THIS MEDICATION. it is okay to be on any medication that helps you and keeps you from using drugs, distroying your life, your family and your future. I feel like these comments about being a slave to a pill may send some people the wrong message. very few people are free from some sort of medication- insuline, heart medication, anti-depresents (note the side effects of anti depresents by the way- a medication many doctors like to switch Suboxone patients to- WOW) I'll take my chances with a medication that I know works, keeps me strong enough that I could sit in front of a plate of Oxys and not have a bit of desire to touch them. So you say slave- I have to say this little orange pill not only saved my life but gave me freedom from being a real slave- to the LIFE of addiction. Everyone has a different story and chooses different paths. Thats what makes the world so great- Let your own heart lead you where to what you know is right for you! :D

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 23, 2009 8:35 pm 
A couple of people have been upset about that phrase. - "A slave to the little orange pill". I don't really take offense to it. I am a huge supporter of Suboxone. I have nothing but positive things to say about Suboxone. I think some people are reading too much into that phrase. It's like "being a slave to that coffee maker", "being a slave to Starbucks".

We DO have to take that little orange pill EVERYDAY.

That's it.

Patrick


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2009 7:59 am 
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Agreed Alaska I think we have a responsibility to think about what we say here because of how it may make others feel about their own treatment choices and I'm by no means just getting down on the auther of the thread but I too know what real "slavery" is and I'll choose being on Suboxone over that previous life any day of the week but I also respect the right of other addicts who would like to try abstinence based recovery. It simply didn't work for me but I have found life changing success on Suboxone and this does not make me a "slave" to anything other than happiness I suppose (but aren't we all)? No addict on or off Suboxone should feel guilty about their choices if they're not using anymore!

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 Post subject: For momofateenaddict
PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2009 10:04 pm 
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momofateenaddict wrote:
yes you are right, she did learn drug addiction. Now she needs to learn something else. If she can't kick it and change her life and she is taking good steps, then back on sub she will be. I will give her this one chance and see what happens. No I don't expect her to rush right out an OD. I warned her about tolerance. If anything happens she will pick up a perc 10 and then her doc will drug test her as he does and then she will go back on sub. I know I am rushing her and she is rushing herself but she tells me she wants no drug, not even an aspirin ever again. Gotta give her ONE chance. I do understand addiction, I was once an addict myself and got lucky enough to realize hey this is gonna kill me and stopped. Not fun. She is so far so good and not even any restless legs or sleepless night. Gonna take it one day at a time. Thank you for your response. Every little bit helps, even when I don't hear what I want to hear. Only a couple people have told me she can DO IT!! Most tell me to give her more time. I've got my eyes and ears open!!! I am ever hopeful that her short term real addiction will play a big factor in a short term recovery so to speak. She does realize that once an addict always an addict. I tell her everything I learn here and she listens and hangs on every word.


It almost makes me sad when I read that because I, like many many other opiate addicts, became addicted during my later teenage years, and while still living at home (I'm now 25 if you're curious). I had a parent you sounded exactly like you, was very optimistic and was very (and all too willing) to trust me on my word or believe what I said if it was what he wanted to hear. Parents are unable to objectively look at a situation of this magnitude when it involves their offspring - and it really sucks, but it's true. I know you are only going to take what you want to hear away with you, but it's still great to see that you are at least proactive in your teen's life and really want to help. Unfortunately this also means you will probably end up like 99% of other parents in your situation and become an enabler, and you won't even realize you are doing it. Teenage years are very hard, full of hormones and self-discovery, lots of friend changes, and a time when teens start to look ahead and also realize the things they are good at -and sadly, addicted teens see how easily they can "bend" their loved ones, how easy it is to lie if you need 10 bucks from Mom, or how easy it is to use and think they are pulling the wool over everyone's eyes.

I know you love your kid very much, but ironically that is what could keep you from truly helping her. In retrospect my entirely family was unable to deal with my problem, but family always wants to help. Eventually I got "tough love" and am still paying, and still have much resentment towards anyone close to me. These are all my issues to deal with, and while I know I'm wrong, it's hard to work through and even harder to imagine a productive relationship with either of my parents at this point. I sometimes wonder if I'd be better off if that had never known about my opiate use. I'm rambling off here, but I just thought I'd share my opinion. You'll do what you feel is right, and I bet all of us hope it works out well - -

C.

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 Post subject: ...
PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2009 10:07 pm 
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OxyPatrick wrote:
A couple of people have been upset about that phrase. - "A slave to the little orange pill". I don't really take offense to it. I am a huge supporter of Suboxone. I have nothing but positive things to say about Suboxone. I think some people are reading too much into that phrase. It's like "being a slave to that coffee maker", "being a slave to Starbucks".

We DO have to take that little orange pill EVERYDAY.

That's it.

Patrick


Agreed. Some people get way too butt-hurt about what Internet People say, it's kinda funny.

If any of you read my first post here, I think I made it clear how I feel about Sub. Here's a hint though: you are a slave, and a willing one at that. It's not that bad being a "slave" to Sub when compared to being a slave to heroin.. I'd take the former 10 out of 10 times.

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 Post subject: STILL SOBER
PostPosted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 10:15 pm 
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ALRIGHTY THEN. I just checked all these posts and apparently people are upset at my word choices. WEll i too made it clear in the beginning. Suboxone SAVED MY LIFE. I thank god for it every day, and realize its okay to be on suboxone, we all know that. BUt the majority of the population still seems to feel that addiction is a choice and they wont have it. Now im not letting that sway my opinion and i realize addiction is a disease but ponder this.

NOw keep in mind, i support suboxone in EVERY WAY

I take prozac everyday, but i dont wake up and make sure i have it for the day, make sure i have a refill in time, or worry if i miss a dose. There is still a mentality behind taking suboxone.

Now if i had diabetes and needed insulin to survive, thats different, but if somehow weaning myself from the insulin my body would relearn how to produce it on its own, why wouldnt I make the decision to get off. Granted that I would have to keep a strict diet and monitor my blood sugar levels, then i wouldnt have to worry about the insulin.

Just like suboxone, my body is relearning how to do everything on its own, with daily maintinence, and watching my habits, i can stay drug free. Because i have a choice.

So that is just how I PERSONALLY FEEL. I wish people wouldnt get so upset over a drug ive been on for 4 years, i know it intimately and am not am extremist opposing it. I FULLY SUPPORT IT

It's strictly personal preference. For the first time the other day someone asked me if i wanted to go camping and i didnt think about if I was going to have enough suboxone to get me through the weekend and if I lost it what would I do.

SO im sorry if i made anyone mad. But ive been off the subs now like 3 months, and im good.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 7:23 pm 
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3 months? I look at the dates and it is not even a month a half since you posted that you were stopping that (or the previous day)...

1.5 months I will give you. But hey, its mid september now, I would like to hear from MOM and Aggro....

Whats the news????


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 Post subject: CLEAN AND SOBER
PostPosted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 5:16 pm 
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Well i figured id liven this forum up again.... Im still clean... STill sober. 8 months now? no medication anymore.. not even prozac.... LIfe is well and it IS POSSIBLE....


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 6:12 pm 
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Just want to say good job! And congrats on being clean! Ur right it is possiable. Its almost been 3 weeks clean for me and I feel fine. Good job! And good luck for your bright future! Ratt396

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 6:38 pm 
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How long did it take your sleep to resume.. That's always the hardest part for me.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 8:16 pm 
Just want to say thank you Aggro for posting an update. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!!!.....to have someone take just a minute to type out a post that lets us know that it is indeed possible to come off Suboxone and do well for several months! It is possible to take as much time as you need on Suboxone....to work on your issues....get your life straightened out....learn new ways to live without the mood alterations of full-agonist opiates....do a proper taper off bupe....and discontinue it without great suffering......and STAY SOBER!! I love it!
I hope to be where you are someday. But I'm in no hurry. It takes as long as it takes.
I truly hope you will continue to come back at least every few months and still be able to say "still clean - still sober - no meds." Thank you again for posting! and bigtime Congratulations on your success in recovery!!


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 Post subject: Re: I STOPPED!!!!!!
PostPosted: Thu Mar 25, 2010 4:26 pm 
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Matt2 wrote:
aggrorollintrs wrote:
Implying that those who've chosen medication assisted recovery are "slaves" is not accpetable here.


I understand this. However, I'm big on candor. We are all "slaves" to something, addicts or not. I'm going to use the first definition I come across in Google as a working definition:

Quote:
1 : a person held in servitude as the chattel of another
2 : one that is completely subservient to a dominating influence


In that case I am a slave to buprenorphine. I guess it could also be said that we are slaves to addiction but...

All I'm saying is that, according to one of the most common definitions of "slave", we are, in fact, slaves to buprenorphine. I think the deciding factor here is whether or not that slavery is bad in comparison to the alternative(s).

My point is: Whether or not we wish to say that we are slaves doesn't change the fact that we really are; but that doesn't mean that that slavery is necessarily the worst option (it might even be the best option for some).

Do you see what I mean?

P.S.

I am so glad to read about people successfully quitting. I am so nervous that I won't have the same drive or thirst for knowledge that I do now. I fear that Suboxone is what is allowing me to be "normal" and work really hard in school. I am almost certain that opiates suppress my abstract or irrational mind and allow me to think more logically, thus allowing me to have success in my field of study (science; chemistry & physics to be exact). Will this change once I quit? Will I still be able to take on all of these responsibilities I have without 'wigging out'? I'm VERY nervous. If I fail (get of Suboxone and screw up; as in, stop doing so well) I'm screwed. There's no way I'll be able to afford another appointment, much less several appointments.

Keep it up! I have faith in you and us all. I think the kind of people that come on here to talk and share information and experiences have a certain strength that helps with quitting. In other words, I think we can all do it if we really want to.


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 Post subject: Re: I STOPPED!!!!!!
PostPosted: Thu Mar 25, 2010 5:42 pm 
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Schrodinger's Cat wrote:
I am so glad to read about people successfully quitting. I am so nervous that I won't have the same drive or thirst for knowledge that I do now. I fear that Suboxone is what is allowing me to be "normal" and work really hard in school. I am almost certain that opiates suppress my abstract or irrational mind and allow me to think more logically, thus allowing me to have success in my field of study (science; chemistry & physics to be exact). Will this change once I quit? Will I still be able to take on all of these responsibilities I have without 'wigging out'? I'm VERY nervous.


SC,

It's been my experience that I both feel and think MUCH more clearly when I'm opiate free. I'm an engineer and find that my math and analytical skills are SERIOUSLY destroyed by opiates, but that's just me. Also, as a note of encouragement, the 11+ years that I was opiate free were the most productive, happy and joyous years of my life, they are the reason I'm doing this right now. Also, just remember, if you get off the Sub, then decide after a few weeks that you hate life w/o it...just go back on it, or an anxiety med, or an anti-depressant, no big deal right?

I think this forum is a GREAT resource, I enjoy posting here as I feel it helps me to share with others having similar experiences (which is difficult to find, especially w/ Sub). Anyone who is reading/posting for the same reasons may want to check out an AA meeting or two, it's just like this but it's a "live" show, it sure has helped me a TON.


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 Post subject: Re: I STOPPED!!!!!!
PostPosted: Thu Mar 25, 2010 6:36 pm 
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Schrodinger's Cat wrote:
Matt2 wrote:
aggrorollintrs wrote:
Implying that those who've chosen medication assisted recovery are "slaves" is not accpetable here.


I understand this. However, I'm big on candor. We are all "slaves" to something, addicts or not. I'm going to use the first definition I come across in Google as a working definition:

Quote:
1 : a person held in servitude as the chattel of another
2 : one that is completely subservient to a dominating influence


In that case I am a slave to buprenorphine. I guess it could also be said that we are slaves to addiction but...

All I'm saying is that, according to one of the most common definitions of "slave", we are, in fact, slaves to buprenorphine. I think the deciding factor here is whether or not that slavery is bad in comparison to the alternative(s).

My point is: Whether or not we wish to say that we are slaves doesn't change the fact that we really are; but that doesn't mean that that slavery is necessarily the worst option (it might even be the best option for some).

Do you see what I mean?

P.S.

I am so glad to read about people successfully quitting. I am so nervous that I won't have the same drive or thirst for knowledge that I do now. I fear that Suboxone is what is allowing me to be "normal" and work really hard in school. I am almost certain that opiates suppress my abstract or irrational mind and allow me to think more logically, thus allowing me to have success in my field of study (science; chemistry & physics to be exact). Will this change once I quit? Will I still be able to take on all of these responsibilities I have without 'wigging out'? I'm VERY nervous. If I fail (get of Suboxone and screw up; as in, stop doing so well) I'm screwed. There's no way I'll be able to afford another appointment, much less several appointments.

Keep it up! I have faith in you and us all. I think the kind of people that come on here to talk and share information and experiences have a certain strength that helps with quitting. In other words, I think we can all do it if we really want to.


In what way are you subservient to buprenorphine? Does it dictate what you do all day? Do you have to try to please it in some way? Do you have to do it's laundry and make it dinner?

Since we're arguing from definition, here's Miriam Webster on subservient:

1 : useful in an inferior capacity : subordinate
2 : serving to promote some end
3 : obsequiously submissive

In what inferior capacity are you useful to Suboxone? Are you serving to promote some end for Suboxone? Are you obsequiously submissive to those orange hexagons?

In fact, by the second definition, I would say that Suboxone is (or was) the slave in my life. I used it as a means to an end. I decided that I would take it, I decided when, for how long, and I decided how I stopped.

If by "enslaved" to Suboxone you mean that you can't stop taking it abruptly without some consequences, well, see also: Air and Food.

Anyway. Maybe it makes you feel better to think that you are somehow a slave to Suboxone. I don't know. But don't fool yourself. Every day you make a consious choice to continue taking your medication. You take it because it serves a purpose. Don't give your power away so easily.

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