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PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 11:18 am 
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Hi everyone. This is my first time on this site as well as my first post. I have been battling a pain pill addiction for 5 years now. I managed to get clean for 9 months at one point but unfortunately relapsed. I haven't been able to put more than a month of clean time together since. I have tried every method I know of. 12 step, 90 day inpatient rehab, 6 weeks inpatient rehab, outpatient counseling with an addictions specialist, you name it. So, as a final attempt at getting my life clean, I talked to the sub doctor at my local VA. (I am a disabled vet) He started me out on 4mg twice a day, and settled at 8mg twice a day. I was so relieved to finally feel normal. It has been a godsend to me. It has allowed me to make plans, and more importantly, keep them. I go to therapy now and can concentrate on the issues that make me return to using every time. I am so excited.

Thursday, my neighbor and her boyfriend were upstairs in my apartment and her boyfriend was changing lightbulbs in my ceiling fans. Her and I were in myliving room with my 15 month old the entire time. They left, I carried on with the rest of my night, and went to bed. The next morning when I went to take my dose of suboxone, it was gone! That and an old script of valium. Noone else has been in my apartment. Noone! I cannot believe that my "friends" did this to me.

I signed a contract with m sub doc saying that if they were lost or stolen, that they would not under any circumstances be replaced. It was my responsibility to keep them locked up, in a safe place. They were in my bedroom in the nightstand drawer. Not where I keep tylenol, advil, and the like. I know this was my fault and also my responsibility and I have already purchased a lockbox for when I get my refill on the 22nd. Please no lectures. I get it. I truly do.

What I need to know is what do I do? I don't want to put a mark on my chart already so telling the doc is out of the question. (I think) He made it pretty clear to guard them closely because they would not be replaced. Im so discouraged. I felt like I finaly found what would work for me. The answer I've been searching for for 5 years. It was allowing me to put all my energy into being a good mom and focusing on my therapy and working on myself. They didn't just steal pills from me. They stole my chance at sobriety from me. Not completely, but til the 22nd of this month what am i gonna do? Im feeling like crap already and have a refill of pain killers sitting at the pharmacy. I do not want to pick them up. I'm so confused. Should I talk to him and just cross my fingers that he understands?

Someone please help me. Im so new to this. I feel like if I tell him what happened, its going to look like I sold them, abused them, or whatever else. I finally am doing the right thing, was takng them exactly as prescribed, and wham!


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 12:17 pm 
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Hi goinstrong and welcome to the forum.

First of all, congrats on making such a dramatic change in your life! Sounds like after 5 years of back and forth relapsing hell, you made it through to the other side. Now you're in this bind, which really sucks! How long have you been seeing this doctor? (I didn't see that part in your post, sorry if I missed it.)

I know you said you don't want to tell your doctor, but what other choice do you have? Otherwise, you're stuck with getting suboxone or regular pain pills off the street or go into withdrawal until your next refill and those are BAD options, if you ask me.

If it were me, this is how I personally would try to handle it first. I would make a police report first and foremost. This will show your doctor that you are serious and you're not lying that they were stolen. I'd then take a copy of the police report with number on it when I see the doctor (I'd make an appt to talk to her/him about it). I'd be honest and tell him what happened. Hell, I'd probably be so scared I'd be crying my eyes out the whole time (and honestly, that can only help). With any luck, he'll take pity on you and give you a refill.

Do you pay for your meds yourself or does insurance pay for them? If you're covered by insurance, chances are they won't pay for the refill early, even with your doctor's permission and a new script. At least not under any coverage I've ever had (unless they change the dosage).

Anyhoo, this is one option as I see it. I'm sure others with some ideas will come along and share them with you. Again, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Sorry to be so blunt, but these people are NOT your friends. Have you confronted them about it? Or do you plan to? Now that I'm thinking about it, what are the chances of getting them back? Sub is VERY strong...are they addicts? Well, that's beside the point....

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 12:27 pm 
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that sucks, I feel for you.

about 5 months into my treatment, my grandma had been buying my suboxone for me two wks at a time, and one day after she picked them up.
somebody snatched her purse outta a shopping cart!!!!
shes 76

yea, and the suboxone was in her purse. My doctor was understanding, cuz there was a police report filed and everything. he said thats THE only circumstance he replaces them. and only ONCE. I was so new to treatment, I was like this is MY ONE shot??? really, why did this happen to ME, and to HER?? the only person that gives a fuck about me!!!

anyways, I dont know if Id tell him or not, unless you feel like doin a police report. that may be the only way, like my doctor. or I could be WAY off and they wouldnt do it then, either.




and now that Im on films, I hide them in books or dvd cases.
just a thought.

anybody can walk off with a lockbox or safe.

Ughh, I feel for ya

Let us know how it works out
try to think of everything youve gained, and you dont want to lose that, right?

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 12:40 pm 
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Thank you hatmaker and amber for your replies. God knows i need them!
To answer some questions...I am a disabled vet and my visits and meds are free. so there is no issue there. I guess the only issue is going to be if the doctor just refuses to give me any more period. thats my biggest fear. I don't want to lose my privelage as a patient. God i am just sick to my stomach over this.
As far as the police report...is it too late? they were here thursday. its sunday.
I guess i'm going to have to think some more about it. Hopefully i'll get some more responses. I am so lost right now. i just dont understand why.
Yes, he is a recovering addict so my guess is he sold them.
Even if the police go knocking, they cant search the place right? they would need the proof of me actually seeing him do it right?
Then I think too, I don't want my tires slashed over a bottle of pills. wtf! what would you gus do?


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 12:49 pm 
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No, I don't think it's too late to file a police report. You're telling them a crime was committed, you don't have to prove it. (No one is being charged/prosecuted, you're just making an allegation.) You'll tell them what is alleged and they'll basically file a report. It'll go to a detective and they'll contact you from there. Obviously, it's a decision you'll need to think about based on what you know about the people involved - those who stole from you and what you know about your doctor.

You're in a tough spot, there's no doubt about that. I really feel for you. I hope some others will think of something that I'm missing. :|

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 Post subject: The Only Thing To Do
PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 1:09 pm 
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I am with the rest about filing a police report ASAP. When you said your doctor told you that under no circumstances would the Suboxone be replaced if lost or stolen is a common statement made to all. My Dr. told me that if in case mine were stolen then the only way he'd replace them is with a police report.

Suboxone is supposed to be a strongly guarded substance. They even have a scan bar on the film packs to trace them. All the professionals know it is highly wanted on the street and they are trying to stop that from happening. They are trained to say exactly what he said to you. I sure wish there was no way for them to get to the street but that is never going to happen.

So your choices are not good. You could try talking to your thieving neighbor or just call the police. Please don't consider getting the pain pills. If your Dr. gives you a drug test then you'll be thrown out of the program and will probably not be able to get another doctor to help you. To be honest, I don't know how that works but it's not worth the chance.

Sorry dude, I wish I could give better advice.

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 Post subject: my decision
PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 4:36 pm 
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Well I just got home from my parents house. Swimming and whatnot. I talked to them about what happened and after weighing every angle of it, this is the decision i've come to:

I cannot file a police report for one reason. The girl who lives downstairs seems fine but her boyfriend on the other hand is a whackjob! I've heard him on several different occasions brag about things he's done to people to "get even". He isn't one to screw with. I did let them know that my meds turned up missing and that noone has been in my house except them. So, he knows I know. That's enough for me.

As for my doc, I've been seeing him for a little over two years for PTSD. So he knows everything about me and we have a fairly good repoir. I will explain what happened and i will tell him my fears about filing a police report also. After all, I live alone with my 15 month old and don't want something to happen. Hopefully he will understand. I have a dentist appointment tomorow at the same veterans clinic so I will see if he has time to see me while I am there. fingers crossed

I do have two 8mg tablets left in my purse that were in a pill case. I remembered that I put them there in case I ever was due for a dose, and wasn't at home. I was able to break them into fours. Anything past that they were starting to turn to dust. So, if he wont refill it, that gives me 8 doses once a day of 2mg. it's a far cry from my normal dose of 8mg twice a day, but hopefully enough to keep me from withdrawaling. I'm not even considering picking up my refill of pain meds from the pharmacy because it will just do more harm than good. So, can anyone tell me what to expect from dropping my dose like that? I've only been on it 2 and a half weeks so hopefully it wont be too bad. I'm brand new to this so a heads up would be great. Thank you so much everyone. It's nice to get advice without being judged. Even though my family talked to me about it, they asked all the shitty questions first..."did you take them all already?" "did you sell them?" "you're not lying to us right?" So again, Thanks

Kelly


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 5:54 pm 
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It's hard to predict how you'll respond going from 16 to 2 mg. Like you said, it's only been 2 weeks, but I don't know what your tolerance was like before that. It depends on a lot of things and you'll just have to see how you feel. Do your best to get maximum absorption. (Why not do a search for posts with those key words?) But don't be surprised if you do feel some withdrawals. It's a pretty large drop. You'll just have to wait and see. Good luck and let us know how you do.

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 10:31 pm 
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I am SO sorry that happened! I would do the following.

Call the "friends" - Tell them you need them back NOW - If they are not addicts, they won't know what they are for. If they are. well, they are definitley NOT your friends. Hate to say it but use whatever tactic you know might work to get them to return them. Let your "friends" know the police are your next call if you have to.

DEFINITELY file the report! Take the report to the Doc's appt.

If you have been on them for a while and you go into withdrawal, and it's bad enough, I would go to the Emergency Room. Tell them the WHOLE truth and see what they can do.

And show them the report. I could not imagine a sudden "stop" right now and I have only been on them 6 weeks!

I'm a grown man and I would be crying like a baby (with Hat!).

AND, I'm an American and am ENRAGED that someone would do that to a Vet! Aaaarrrggghh!
I'm also a praying man and will be praying for your solution, whatever you choose to do.

My heart is breaking for you - WHAT is this world coming to??

Good luck and God Bless!

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 10:35 pm 
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WIll_B_Free wrote:
I am SO sorry that happened! I would do the following.

Call the "friends" - Tell them you need them back NOW - If they are not addicts, they won't know what they are for. If they are. well, they are definitley NOT your friends. Hate to say it but use whatever tactic you know might work to get them to return them. Let your "friends" know the police are your next call if you have to.

DEFINITELY file the report! Take the report to the Doc's appt.

If you have been on them for a while and you go into withdrawal, and it's bad enough, I would go to the Emergency Room. Tell them the WHOLE truth and see what they can do.

And show them the report. I could not imagine a sudden "stop" right now and I have only been on them 6 weeks!

I'm a grown man and I would be crying like a baby (with Hat!).

AND, I'm an American and am ENRAGED that someone would do that to a Vet! Aaaarrrggghh!
I'm also a praying man and will be praying for your solution, whatever you choose to do.

My heart is breaking for you - WHAT is this world coming to??

Good luck and God Bless!


I was SO upset, I jumped all the way to the end without realizing you had found a solution.

Hang tough and I hope your Doc can get you back on track!
Whew!

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 3:01 am 
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Goingstrong - I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I totally understand why you don't want to file the police report, but you REALLY need to do it.

If your neighbor's boyfriend stole the pill bottle with your name on it and he gets busted with it, it can come back on you for diversion. You need to file that police report to protect yourself. I don't think you have to name who you think took your pills; I'm sure you can tell the police that you're afraid of the person you suspect but that you want the report filed for your own protection should that pill bottle with your name on it turn up in someone else's pocket someday.

As for dropping from 16mgs to 2mgs, you probably won't feel awesome but it's better than nothing. If I was you I would ride it out as long as possible between doses in the beginning as you still have some Sub built up in your bloodstream. And keep the pill under your tongue without swallowing for as long as possible and don't eat or drink for 30 minutes afterwards. Sub is a really strong medication, when I was tapering I could feel even the smallest doses (like a quarter of a milligram) when I took it. You can get through this!

Good luck.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 6:41 am 
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oh we aren't dealing with your garden variety ass here. He took the pills and not the bottles. He's not that stupid. Yes he is a recovering addict. So he knew exactly what he was looking at. I already asked them last night and of course noone knew what the hell I was talking about. I'm just going to explain to my doc today and pray that he understands. Please keep me in your prayers today! I am so freaken scared!


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 11:28 am 
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Well, I guess that's kind of a relief in a way (that he didn't take the bottles).

I hope that if you're just honest with your doctor things will work out ok. Especially since you seem willing to suck it up and survive on the 2 pills you have left - maybe your doctor will have a heart. If you can't get replacement meds, know that you can come here for support and we will help you get through until your refill. I know 2mgs a day doesn't sound like much relative to the 16mgs you've been taking, but it's still WAY better than nothing.

I'll be thinking of you! Good luck.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 11:39 am 
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Hi Goingstrong, and welcome to the forum. I wouldn't file a police report because of the reason you stated...you still have to live by this idiot, and who knows what he will do...slash your tires, break into your house to get even (since you said he's bragged about things he's done to people to get even before), etc. And I know how scary it is to be a single woman living by yourself in an apartment complex. That's why I don't even watch the news...it just reminds me how effed up people are and I get scared that all the bad things that are reported will happen to me, and it makes my mind wander to places that I'd rather not even think about!

But then I read DoaQ's post which reminded me that the films each have a unique identifier on them, which makes them traceable if they are found on the street, and also that you don't have to name the person who you thought took them, and I think I changed my mind. I wouldn't want to be accused of selling them if the cops ever found them on someone they were arresting.

I do what Amber does...I hide some of my films in cd cases, some in books, and put some in my purse. I have heard too many stories of subs being stolen, and if someone were to break into my house, at least I'd have some in my purse on me, and probably still in the little spots that no one would ever look. I know this sounds funny, but I have lots of extra films, and once I stash a few here and a few there, I never even think about them, but I know they are there...just in case.

And I know what you mean about being able to finally make plans and keep them again once on subs. That is a huge benefit for me too. For so long I wouldn't make plans with people to do anything, even if it was a couple months in advance, because I never knew when I would run out of my pills and be in withdrawal. Subs have helped me with that, and with so many other things, like depression and pain, that I feel like I have my life back as well.

You have 11 more days left, so hopefully you can make those films you have last. And hopefully the drop won't be as bad as you think. I was prescribed 24mg, but I found that I only need 4mg/day. But I was at 2mg for about a week, and I felt ok. Not good, but not horrible. So good luck and come back soon and let us know how you are feeling.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 2:04 pm 
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Ok, first off I have to say how pleasantly surprised I am by the amount of support on this forum. I wish I would have found you guys sooner.

To everyone who answered my post, Thank you thank you thank you. It means more than you know.

So, I went to the doctor and told him what happened. I was 100% honest with him and he was absolutely nothing short of irate. I have never been yelled at like that by a physician before. He said that he wanted the truth. He didn't (and still doesn't) believe they were stolen. I tried so hard not to cry but ended up in tears. It actually got so bad that I was almost hyperventilating. I told him how sorry I was, and that I knew better than to not keep an eye on them. He insisted that I was taking more than prescribed and getting high off of them. I guess this is the price you pay when you spend five years trying to get high off of your medication. He just kept saying "horse shit!" I felt like such a scumbag. I still do. After 15 minutes of this, he mademe take a pee test and when it came back clean, he handed me a script for a refill. He said that everyone gets "one 'f' up" with him, and this was mine. I totally wanted to beat the ever loving shit out of my neighbor when I got home.

So, that's that. I feel so overwhelmed right now. I'm very grateful that he refilled it for me, but he didn't have to make me feel like a junkie piece of shit. My self esteem isn't exactly where it needs to be as it is, without him making me feel worse about myself. I'm sorry I'm going on and on the way I am.

Thanks again everyone for your support! I will definitely be on here everyday! XOXOXOX


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 2:59 pm 
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Wow. I can't believe your doctor treated you like that. I mean, it's one thing for him to say he's skeptical about your story or whatever...but to yell at you, berate you, swear at you? That's messed up and unprofessional to say the least.

Hopefully at some point in the future you'll be able to address that with him in a calm and professional manner. Of course, you know him and you know the dynamic of your doctor-patient relationship so you'll have to be the judge of whether talking to him about it will do any good (though I do think that standing up for ourselves is always positive).

Regardless of that you should know that his horrible reaction is about HIM and not about YOU. You are doing the right thing by seeking help for your addiction. You've already seen the positive changes in your life that have resulted from getting help. Just because your doctor has been lied to or burned or manipulated by other addicted patients and he lacks the maturity to deal with his feelings about that DOES NOT make you a bad person. You didn't deserve to be shamed for what happened or for needing your doctor's help.

Doctors are human and unfortunately some of them are jerks. And addiction is a poorly-understood disease, sometimes even amongst the medical professionals who are supposed to be helping us. I'm sure there isn't a member on this forum who hasn't been shamed or mistreated by a medical professional at some point. But there is something really amazingly validating in learning to hold your head up and recognize for yourself that you are doing the right things, you are moving forward, you are begining the process of recovery & healing.

We all have to deal with fallout from things we did during our active addiction and at times we deal with the fallout of the behavior of other addicts. But we have the power to forgive ourselves, to forgive others. We can cultivate our capacity to love ourselves and treat ourselves with compassion. We can feel the crap feelings, learn from them and move on.

No need to be sorry for "going on" about this either. That's what we're here for. This is a safe place to process this kind of thing. Those feelings of guilt and shame, feeling like a scumbag junky, being made to feel like a liar when you're just trying to get help, those feelings can be very triggering. Don't let that stuff fester.

I hope you can find some healthy ways of taking care of yourself today. Whatever helps you get perspective - a walk, time spent with your kiddo, talk with a friend, writing in a journal - make time for that. You are worth it!

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2012 1:44 pm 
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That was awesome advice DoaQ! I especially liked these parts:

Diary of a Quitter wrote:
Regardless of that you should know that his horrible reaction is about HIM and not about YOU.

But we have the power to forgive ourselves, to forgive others. We can cultivate our capacity to love ourselves and treat ourselves with compassion. We can feel the crap feelings, learn from them and move on.


I am going to try to remember these things when I feel like reacting in these kinds of situations.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2012 2:30 pm 
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DoaQ is right on! Was this harsh dictator, I mean doctor, formerly a basic training drill sergeant? It doesn't matter what the circumstances. His behavior was unprofessional garbage! I wish he had had the decency to apologize when your test came back clean, but he probably has a doctor's God-like complex.

I'm glad you don't have to worry about withdrawing, but that was a high price to pay. Don't let your self-esteem get dinged. Look at the positive changes you've made for you and your baby. You did nothing wrong except being a little too trusting. I bet your neighbor befriends people and offers her boyfriend's help with things like light bulbs just to give them access to anything you may have worth taking. Let's face it. It's very easy for someone to stuff some pills into his pocket and just walk away.

You are doing all the right things. Don't lose heart!

Amy

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2012 7:18 pm 
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Hi goingstrong,

I had been following this and hoping you made it thru. I'm sorry the Dr talked to you like he did and made you feel crappy. Doq said it best, it's about him not you.

But- I have to say I am SO GLAD you got a refill and didn't have to deal with what may have resulted...

Watch out for that neighbor guy... He knows you have a supply he can steal from and sell or trade or whatever and obviously could care less about what happens to you. we all know what happens when addicts are desperate. We sell our Grandma's etc.. Lock 'em, hide 'em.

:)
Gb


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