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PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2011 8:12 pm 
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Interestingly, in my family you were allowed to be sick. My mom is a nurse and if you were sick, you were given a bell (stolen from the family game of "Pitt") and you got to lay on the couch and ding the bell for "service" and someone was required to serve you. Physical/medical problems were okay.

However, don't even consider having an emotion about being sick or having an emotion about anything else because you would be immediately told why that emotion was NOT valid by any means or why you were BAD for having it. I can tell you that by the age of three I knew better than to "feel" anything. To this day my mother will deny any feeling mentioned that she doesn't think you have the right to. I would hate her if I didn't feel so utterly sorry for her.

I definitely have some bad experiences trying to get pain control from doctors but oddly, not too many. One in New York was a total jerk once but that was because my condition was only starting to flare so he didn't think it was bad enough to give pain killers for. By the time I yelled at him and told him he was an idiot, left, and drove to the ER, my condition was in fact bad enough that they had no problem or question giving me narcotics. One bad experience when I was waiting for my first surgery when my doctor's "nurse" told me the next time I thought of taking vicodin I should just NOT take it. That stuck with me for some reason. One bad experience at the ER when a doctor performed surgery on me but wasn't successful, acted like he was because he didn't want to admit he just put me through all that pain for nothing, refused to give me any narcotics, and then I ended up in emergency surgery with my actual surgeon two days later and one day later my PCP gave me percocet in the meantime.

Here is the thing. I was definitely under medicated and in a lot of pain a lot of the time. I was terrified to ask for pain killers. I ALWAYS felt like a jerk asking. At one point, I actually grew the balls to explain to my PCP that I was undermedicated. I sent him a letter. He asked me if I wanted to increase my dose of narcotic and I said no. I KNOW this is CRAZY fucking behavior. I truly have the WORST time imposing on anyone or making anyone uncomfortable. I don't want to bother them.

Anyways.....I'm not entirely certain the whole problem or where it stems from. There is most certainly something wrong.

I don't feel depressed today really. I actually feel okay and it was nice to have extra suboxone yesterday to get me through. I will admit the higher dose made it difficult to wind down and go to sleep. I will have to watch that. I also need to get off my butt and schedule an appointment with the therapist. I am sure there is an opportunity for growth somewhere in here.

Thanks again you guys. You really do help me with all of this. I mean.....where else could you tell people this many personal things? I certainly don't. I don't even tell my husband the stuff I tell you. He would totally look at me sideways.


 Post subject: chantix
PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 3:24 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 18, 2010 9:08 pm
Posts: 225
Hi Jack, maybe you remember me talking about quitting smoking with chantix myself? I agree, it really does work great. I did not notice any side effects from it but yes,i have heard there are warnings for people who have depression taking chantix. But...being a heavy smoker is very serious! I didn't think I would ever quit, personally, I just despaired. It sounds like you havent' completely quit smoking yet, or...have been having some "slips." I've had a hard time getting completely cigarette-free myself, but now I am really making the final effort. i would hate to go back to being a full-blown smoker now! Ironically, being depressed is a trigger for me to want to say "F-it!" and have a cigarette...or worse, buy a pack. But I know taht to succeed at quitting smoking it is a matter of persevering. it used to be that cravings for cigarettes were pretty much CONSTANT for, 24-7. Now the cravings really do pass and they get fewer and farther between as more time passes. But still, it requires some effort for me to stay off cigarettes altogether. I wanted to mention, one of my friends really wanted to try chantix but got kind of a runaround about it from his health insurance. i ended up giving him one blister-pack of mine to get started. He never was able to get his own prescription but he was able to get the momentum to stop smoking anyway. Now my doctor has told me I really need to complete my quit--she is not comfortable prescribing any more refills of chantix because I have been taking it for longer than normal. Anyway, i just wanted to let you know, I'm in a similar situation to you with the smoking. I do miss smoking sometimes but every time I break down and have a cigarette it is so dissatisfying. I think I'm finally going to be successful at getting smoke-free. i sure hope so. Anyway, if you decide to stop taking the chantix, I hope you will be able to continue with the momentum you've got going on reducing/quitting smoking. My friend was! And I sure hope I will be able to--at this point I am tapering of the chantix. I've never heard of tapering with chantix, but it just seems like the best thing for me to do. My doctor doesnt' seem to believe that chantix helps with cravings (she thinks it just blocks nicotine) but I'm pretty sure it does.

Regarding depression and meds in general--first, let me say I'm sorry you've been so depressed lately! It can be really hard to know what's going on with effects form anti-depressant meds, don't you think? Sometimes it seems really clear, but often it is so hard to separate out variables of life circumstances. But when one is suffering from physical pain it sure can cause depression, don't you notice that? I have also noticed in the last few years that my chronic back pain seems to be much more closely linked to my depression than I had ever realized before.

In any case I really hope you are starting to feel better, in every way. And, yeah, you menmtioined how you are usually a person who can always fin the briight side, or, you know, be grateful for what you have even when you have troubles too, know, please don't get down on yourself for feeling what you feel--that can become a vicious cycle, you know? It sure sounds like you are doiong the best that you can to manage your conditions!

I think i will take the advice that I am also repeating to others and try to get outside and get at least a little exercise now. Sorry I don't exactly have any new ideas for you, but i just wanted you to know that I've been following your posts and thinking about you and that I am also dealing with quitting smoking using chantix.

Please keep us posted, and in the meantime take good care of yourself!

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