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 Post subject: I stil ant to get high
PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 4:46 pm 
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I posted this in the wrong section earlier and could not delete it, only would let me edit it, so I pasted it here.

I have my first follow-up w/ my doc tomorrow, yes, only about a month on subs.

My mind seems so over occupied with the thoughts of getting a buzz!

Part of my addiction story and why I am where I am with durg use atm:

I have been using drugs since I was 9, that was over 40 years ago, hard drugs to start soon after weed too ! TYrpped when I was 9, coke, ludes,

I used to stop doing too many opies about 4-5 days b4 my visit so I would pass the UDI. I got busted for not having any, yes not any of my hyro in my system, I figued it would say too much. Yes, that doc and my current doc uses Ameritox. I personally hate that lab after that day I got a certified letter from ym doc office saying that I had been discharged. No chance to even ask me what may have happened to cause the results, which I got later. The relsults showed 433 ng/ml of opies, but 0 hydrocodone metabolites, and the other metabolites of other opies on that test page showed 0 also. How the hell can I have 433 ng/ml of opies and not have anything show positive? That's hsitory. So I spent months for me and a few other people I still research and gather info for them since many are getting cut-off due to Ameritox. I havenlt been able to help a single person yet. The doc's around here seem to think Ameritox is flawless. I guess it was just time to let me go, one friend told me after he got ut the same month I did, that we could have been just a few minutes late and we would have got the boot. I personally think the doc's are able to tell the lab, or even repplace sheets ons the report with altered test results IMO. To get rid of patients they dont want any more. After being with a doc for along time I guess they have done all of the expensive lab analysis to bill my ins for and now I am not a valuable as a new patient might be, oh boy, I get to do 20,000 bucks of test on this NEW patient.

So now I get referred to where I am now, and using the suboxone for cp, .....well that's the truth. I am certain my pharmacy records have a red flag due to the failed test. My doc didn't even act like he cared about the lab analysis, and just said I was a good cand. for their cp program.

I was at a friends house and they were having a coke party,,,,I drank a couple beers.

Now after being in that scene and many others in the last months where people were doing lot of diff. drugs to get high, it sorta hurt to watch even.

I know many people are saying "well you should not got around them..."

I don't look forward to going to the doctor like I did.

I am caught up in drug addiction so bad that is / has destroyed my life, and I can't find the way out!

I had a diff. time sleeping last night calculating how many days I would need to go w/o doing the sub to get just a good buzzzz one more time, and then get back on the sub b4 I am called in for a random drug test. Then I will be happy for about a day or so.

Happy, well only while the buzz last I meant!

So here I am, don't do shet anymore and lost most the old friends, but I still hang around some of them that don't do dope til they drop like a lot of the other friends that have abaond. me have. I need social life, so I go around them. No other choice here!

I know I need a hair cut, as they say "If you go to the barber shop enough, you will eventually get a hair cut, I craVe it like there were no tomorrow. I know I should not think like this, I think I am OCD when it comes to getting a buzz.

I don't even know how to live w/o a buzz, that is pitiful.

I don't think I can be helped when it comes to addiction. I have read so much in the last month about sub and Ameritox, and other drugs, etc...I have dreams about it, not that is a lot of reading. I even read stories about other people getting high, and it sometimes makes me feel better to read them.

I have used to comp. and this forum to try and fight off the demons that have taken over my life, I have tried every program except prison, that the have come out with, I have been over the years to NA. AA , church, etc. meetings where b4 and after many meetings I would go with some of the friends I met there and go get a buzz even...lmfao I don't eat anymore, I smoke 2 packs min a day of cigs., I drink caff. soda like you would not belive anymore, I get drunk every weekend on shine, and I don't have the urge to do my house work, yard work, go to town, go to the store, go to my Mothers, go to the woods, go fishing, hunting or anything now! F-IT, I don't do anything , escpecially anything that is productive, at least when I was had a good buzz, I did most of those things.

I have not been able to use the spell ck. on my post, I hit preview n look for the red undr. words, there aren't any, even on obv. errors! My apologies.........

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 Post subject: Last Line
PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 7:21 pm 
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Those last few words about going out and doing things when high, but not when your sober sounds like you are talking yourself into using again.

Be careful Boxer, addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Add that to our denial of the obvious and you'll find yourself in some deep Ka Ka.

BTW, the red underlines occur during your typing, not when you preview. If you see one, right click on it and it will offer suggestions for correction. Don't put too much into it though, we can read it well enough to know what you are saying.

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 Post subject: resist mode
PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 7:52 pm 
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It is not it is really me talking myself into using again, it is like the drug(s) have taken over my thinking in some wierd way.

So, I am trying to research other stuff besides drugs and things involving drugs, but those subjects that once interested me so much have lost my interest too.

I don't know any other way to say it, than the drug use has changed myself and my mind in some ways.

A big battle for me and many others, to say the least! I need to become more powerful than the drugs, as you mentioning that term keeps reminding me.

It even seems like added anxiety is playing a big role in my struggles, and I am not sure if the suboxone has made the klonopin less effective, or I am trying too hard resulting in this state of losing control with my thoughts of how I felt stoned.

As for the typos, it is like my mind is going [fade]sooooooo..... [/fade]fast, I type too slow to keep up with what I want/need to say.

I wanted to mention too, that I am confused about suboxone for long term use, which people say is someways bad, but I still hurt, and the other alternative is the strong drugs, if I get clean using the sub, I will still be hurting, to me this makes my path a never ending circular pattern. > sub and get clean or use it's pain relief as it is offering and still have good deal of pain, or back to the opies and hurt way less and be happier as I perceive it, I feel like if I get the stronger meds from the doc and learn to control myself and not do too much of them like I have, maybe I could use them as prx'd and I won't hit the bottom...and/or some deep
KA KA....

I feel like I need help, but everywhere I have turned I have failed in , except when I get high, sssheetttttt!!!!

Just wish I could go back in time and see where I am now. No way I can, but drugs have basically killed me w/o dying IMO.

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 Post subject: Socialization
PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 10:33 pm 
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Boxer,

We all have the demons of addiction like you. Being OCD may or may not play a part in it. What I am seeing/reading with you is it seems like you are stuck all day and night by yourself at home. Yes? We addicts when alone are our own worst enemy. My suggestion is the same as what Romeo told you. Go back out and find a good AA or NA meeting and start going ALL THE TIME. You need to be around people who are like you and can help with the cravings thing. Just going to meetings will keep your mind off it temporarily.

As far as the Suboxone for life question, I suggest you do stay on it and you may even need a stronger dose to stop those cravings. Talk to your doctor about this. Sub is supposed to stop cravings and if it isn't, then maybe you need a dose adjustment.

The position you are in is the worst. You need pain meds for chronic pain but cannot control the amount you take. There are a lot of others here with the same problem. Most take Sub the same way you do with the dose being split up during the day. The question you need to ask yourself is, can I take Suboxone only for my chronic pain? As you well know, other opiates do not work with high doses of Buprenorphine. Sub and pain meds can work well together for pain but the dose of Sub is small and my guess is you wouldn't do well having any pain meds around.

Have you researched all the meetings around you? I know 12 step meetings aren't for everyone, but in your case I believe the socialization of like addicts will help you tremendously.

That's all I got Boxer.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 1:24 am 
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I know you said you live in a fairly small town,,,,,

I went to AA/Na meetings in the begining, becuz I DEFINITELY needed to KNOW, there were
more people out "there" than Just ME, living sober!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know where your at buddy, and it sucks............

Keep an open mind,,, I was pretty negative agianst the big book, the whole sha-bang, but know what??
it REALLY did help, at that time.....

i dont go any more, becuz I've made TWO other sober friends,,,, Nope, that's NOT alot, but it's all I need.

ALSO,,,
I went to the end of my county basically, to go to the meetings, so I wasn't seeing ya know, the old using buddies,
as MUCH anyways!!!

Just give it a try,,,,,,,,Please......

there also might be a "smart" recovery meeting in your area,,, you can google it,,,

ALSO,,,,
there's a site calling "intherooms" dot org,,,
check THAT OUT,,,,
its ONLINE meetings, like SKYPE!!!!
they also have 24/7 CHAT rooms going on,,,,,,,

I used that site a whole bunch, in the start too,,,, great people on there Im telling ya!!!

I did have to down load the "moxilla firefox" web browser though, to be able to view the whole site,,,
something wierd with internet explorer......

Pm me, if you need help finding it,,,
I really think it could help ya , boxer....

try and keep your head up, buddy.

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 Post subject: reply as in alone
PostPosted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 3:25 pm 
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Yes, I spend 28 days out of a 30 day month here at home.

I will check out the on-line chat room you mentioned. Thanks for the info!

I will take the suboxone 4ever IF I can feel ok, but shet, I can't even stand up good, When I try to rest, I have to get up because of the knee, hip and leg lain increases when I lay down, there has to be something, Duragesic really helped me more tahn ony other pp, but they took it away. I was on a fairly low dose too, like 100mcg or so seems like. It never once made me feel the least bit high either, but I can't have anything like that, I am not dying they said, and was soon after discharged from that practice. I talked too much there too I guess.

I just don't do well at meetings, I am some what agoraphobic after spending so much time here alone. I intend to go again, but I am very apprehensive about them.

I played 8 ball earlier today and did not enjoy that much either. It cost to play pool ! $$$

I help others all the time, but they never help me. I find people now come around when they want to use me, The locals call me "WILDMAN" and they dont even know me! So that is a good example of my rep and I moved 7 years ago to the next town over to avoid being busted since my old crib was a hangout for everyone back then and was luckily warned by a Dep. Sheriff that knew my Dad, "if I didn't get out of that county, I would be going for a free ride for a long time!"

So I try and keep a VERY low profile, even though I have change a lot in ways...but unfortunately I still struggle.

Have helped an old neighbor and his wife who are still w/o power due to the storm that hit here recently, Sandy they called it. I take him to work and home, they even this weekend asked me to take his wife to jail for her weekend stays! I did not have the gas. That type is mostly all the company I get now.

I need to just change. But they say people never really change.

If I had not found this forum, I would have already fallen, I am trying to refrain from making so many post, and read more here and other places, reading is one of my few things I enjoy anymore, I don't crave as much while I read or type. An TV is on all the time, but I never watch it until shows like drugs inc., or drugged, or intervention come on.

Home Alone >>> yep!!!!

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 Post subject: NOT alone
PostPosted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 6:20 pm 
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Hi Boxer - I don't know your whole story, but you said you've only been on sub for one month, eh? This is just my opinion, so take it or leave it, but I thought maybe it might make you feel better.

I remember when I started my sub treatment after years of substance abuse. In addition to opioids, I would take ANYTHING that would alter my state of consciousness...literally whatever would make me feel "different", I would take excessive amounts of it if I had nothing else. When I went off opiates and everything else my mind and body was pretty fucked up. I was a mess-kinda a lot like you describe-for probably over 2 months. Of course I got better all the time and had some better days and some worse days.

What I'm trying to say to you is that I think that it's perfectly natural and expected for you to be feeling this way right now. You're in the midst of a huge adjustment still. It's not like you switched to suboxone and are fully adjusted to the change in your lifestyle already. Hardly! You are still adjusting to your new life so of course you're gonna feel all fucked up right now. Understand that and be kind to yourself.

It's been over 3 years that I'm on sub. I'm now down to 2 mg-I'm on it for pain too. I started out at 24 mg, thinking I'd be on it forever. Now I actually, possibly, maybe see myself going off it in the future?? And the changes in me since those first few weeks and months are huge, for the better, of course.

This long diatribe (sorry!) is my way of trying to say that you may not see it now, but it will get better and you can and will change, as time passes and as you make improvements and take control of things. You got good advice above. You need to stop isolating and get out of the house; even to just take a walk outside.

If I got through it, anybody can. Good luck and have some patience with yourself during these weeks.


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 Post subject: resist mode activated
PostPosted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 7:18 pm 
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Thanks takenoprisoners,

I am trying. That is all I can do.

Time as you said may change me, but damn why all at once?

Sytem threat detected, Sytem Restore, show more restore points, they all have opies in them... so>
cmd, type C:/ reformat_u enter "failed, the operating system is still in use" "show more info.... Please close all operating systems and try again, for more info contact boxer's file to shut down that part of the system..." Seach "boxer's file"
"no items match you search"

The Lord says he will never put more on us than we can bear, and my Mother tells me the deal with what I'm dealt. She has given up on me! Because I have od'd 2 times already, I didn't even know that I did even until I was in the rehab ctr.......10 days each time, near 100K bucks gone, only to get out and here we go.........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz again, my brian is in need mode, my mind tells me other better options.

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 Post subject: Feeling better
PostPosted: Wed Nov 14, 2012 8:15 pm 
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Went to my sub cp doc, got my meds and a tens device.

I have changed my mindset, I am going to stick w/ the suboxone.

I am stronger than any make believe demon.

F the demons, this is my life, and I will live it not stoned!

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Nov 15, 2012 10:55 am 
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Dude, it sounds like you had a positive mind-set change! Stick with it. And a tens unit works good for lots of people. I hope it helps you too. Come back and tell us if it helps your cp.


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 Post subject: sub mode
PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2012 11:31 pm 
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Thanks,

I am trying to get this done the right way......

The tens unit helps in some ways..

Wish u all well

boxer

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