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PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2010 9:48 am 
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This is a big NA / AA thing I've noticed. Newcomers to recovery are advised to stay out of relationships until they're 12 months clean.

Where do you guys stand on this? Should I avoid getting into a committed relationship? Or would something like that actually be good for my recovery?

I'm interested in hearing your stories. I have a couple of my own too.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2010 9:17 pm 
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That saying used to drive me crazy, although I have seen some people get into some very unhealthy relationships when newly sober. The popular saying at the meetings I go to is "no major decisions the first year". That one I agree with for the most part. I was emotionally all over the place for about nine months (and still sometimes today). I will recommend to people to really measure the pros and cons when making bigger decisions early on. Things like moving, quitting jobs, or big financial decisions (I've seen alot of people go bankrupt after they get sober). These things IMO should be talked over with your sponsor to make sure they are being done for the right reasons, if that makes sense. As far as relationships, I always think what if I met my wife when I was two months sober and didn't go forward, what would I have missed. I think things should be taken slowly and be aware that you're going through a life changing period in your life. Don't move in with someone after a month or run off and get married. Take your time. And for god sakes don't get a tattoo of your sobriety date. I've seen lots of those too and they almost always need to be changed or lasered. A friend of mine branded his sobriety date on his shoulder and he's had six new ones since. Some of us will use sex to get that instant gratification, it can be an addiction just like many other things. Go slow, talk to your sponsor, and make sure your motives are pure and you will be fine.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 07, 2010 6:58 pm 
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I don't necessarily agree with that. Probably because I have been in a relationship throughout my addiction, and now that I/we am/are in recovery.

If your relationship has a lot of negative impact on your life, then obviously it is a bad idea to continue/ get into one while you are in early recovery. I think that the AA people advise against it because you should ideally be focusing on your recovery, and not have any distractions- especially if you are entering into a relationship with another addict, which is a recipe for disaster (most commonly).

I think that this situation probably varies from person to person, and while one person could easily handle a new relationship while in recovery, the next person would be driven to use due to the ups and downs of any relationship. Also, if the relationship were to be terminated and you are early in recovery, then you likely do not yet have the tools to deal with a breakup, and would be very tempted to resort to using as a 'tool' to deal with the negative feelings/ to numb yourself to them.

If you are confident that you will not do that, and that you know that you can deal with things if they go awry, then do what you want to do. If you think that relapse is possible if things go down hill- well, avoid the relationship. But I think that as long as you are doing well, and are good at dealing with stress/ heavy emotions without the crutch of your drug of choice, and you are a fairly stable person mentally, then you shouldn't experience many issues. It's up to you- you know yourself better than anyone else.

AA people drive me crazy with that one, though. I should have broken up with my boyfriend and never looked back, according to them. But we're still together, and have been for over three years now, and are doing great. Our relationship is a very low stress relationship and we rarely argue though, so I can't honestly say what would happen if things soured suddenly. I would like to think that i would avoid relapsing, but you never know... if the person that you are considering getting involved with can remain detached from you and your progress in recovery, well, I think that would be for the best. I am not saying that the person could not be there to support you, but you should never rely on another human being to help keep you sober- you have to do that yourself. If that person is suddenly taken away from you, are you going to be able to stay away from drugs? Minimize any chance of relapse whatsoever. Good luck to you, and I really hope that things work out well for you. Sorry for the lengthy post.

TL;DR- yeah, sometimes a relationship will work. Sometimes it won't. Use your best judgment and discretion. I hope it goes well for you, and congratulations on getting well!:)


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