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 Post subject: Starting my taper..
PostPosted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 10:04 pm 
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Hello everyone! I have been a long time follower and was actually a member last year my username than was "Seekingfreedom" I was doing well but of course I fell off the wagon and stopped my taper and I was embarressed to even come back. I realized that I am only human though.. I have been having so many issues and I have to say I feel like it's side effects from the subs. I don't know this for sure though because of course my Dr. thinks that everything I say is just "In my head" it is aggravating though. I guess I should of known though.. This is a woman who has changed the price of a dr. visit three times now.. Tried kicking me out of the program for having to reschedule an appointment and charged me an extra fee all because she knew that at the time I "FELT" like i needed these meds.. Just like a drug dealer.. I suffer from anxiety so bad now.. I have sharp pains in my head everytime I take the suboxone and I feel like it is not doing me any good anymore.. Maybe my run is just up and to be completely honest.. I am just ready to be done anyways. I was taking a little over four mgs. and I have tapered down to three.. I am trying to decide if I should go down another mg. tomorrow but last week def. had it's ups and downs. It wasn't horrible but I still have to work and take care of my four children and fiance, home and sports.. I don't have the "Time" to feel horrible.. There is no such thing as a break for this momma. So I think that I will just taper down .50. Than again I am really looking forward to the future and to be completely honest.. I cannot wait for this to be over. I am praying alot and looking here for support and hope I can be support to others as well. I just want my life back and it is time.. So I remember last year alot of people had some really great advice as far as comfort meds, vitamins, foods etc.? If you guys wouldn't mind letting me know some good ideas to help this highway to hell just a tad bit easier I am ALL in! I do have clonodine.. I have been taking it at night every night for a year. I am going to assume that I will have to double my dose on that. I know that my belly has been hurting and I have been retaining alot of water.. It's almost embarrasing.. I feel like I am still so far away being at three mgs. What do you think if I went to two mgs and lets say its' just way to hard I go up another half mg? Idk.. I guess maybe If I already did it though I should just push through? I am going to kind of use this place as my daily blog of trials and tribs. Maybe my story will help someone else. I atleast hope so.. I know one day this will be so worth it.. I have been VERY emotional this week and to be honest.. Things actually smell and taste different? Also for some reason personal touch feels so good to me. My kids are trying to get me away because I love the feeling of there hugs.. it's so comforting! Well anyways I just wanted to say that I am glad to be back and see everyone has been doing pretty well! Again, Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!! Thanks!!

God grant me the serenity to except the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference just for TODAY!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 11:47 pm 
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I have a question if you don't mind me asking....

What makes you say that you just want your life back?

Do you feel as though suboxone has taken your life from you in some way?

I see that you know some stuff about the programs. They are tough sometimes when it comes to suboxone. I know. I just want to make sure that you want to get off because it's what is truly what you want and good for your recovery.

Just make sure you have weighed all your options.

Good luck!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 11:52 pm 
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Hi BrighterDays,

Welcome back! I am so glad you got over feeling embarassed and came back to the forum. Just because you had a hard time with your taper doesn't mean you can't be of help to someone else. I have had so many ups and downs during my taper it's crazy. I joined here last year when I first started my treatment and once I got comfortable I quit coming. Now that I'm tapering I'm back and have learned just as much this time around as I did when I was here at the beginning. There are so many knowledgeable people here that really want to help...I'm sure you know that already though. So we can do this together! Just so you know, I'm down to 1mg now. It's been tough but I'm making it, and I know when I get through it I am going to be such a strong person nobody will ever stop me from doing anything again! I think the struggle makes it even more precious.

I'm sorry I can't help you with your side effects, but I bet someone will be able to give you some advice on it soon. As for the tips for tapering...I would recommend eating healthier, take a good daily vitamin and maybe some b-12 or b-complex. And I am hearing everyone saying excersize, excersize, excersize. I have been hit and miss at that, but I am planning on getting a routine going shortly. My doctor recommended yoga to me the other day. I think that might be a good fit to start with, then maybe work up to something higher impact from there. I'll let ya know how it goes.

Glad you came back... keep posting!

-Q


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 29, 2013 8:26 am 
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@MovieMaker, When I say "I want my life back" this is what it truly means to me.. I wake up and I run to my meds, I coun't down hours until my next dose.. I from time to time still get that "High" feeling from suboxon and before I started doing my taper I would think to myself.. "I have alot to do at home, I will just take another piece" I wasn't doing it the way I was supposed to be.. Same habits just with a different drug. I know that suboxone has saved my life because I was snorting over 80mgs oxy a day.. I can remember after my husband left it all went down hill from there. I was prescribed pain meds because I have a disk issue in my back, I didn't abuse them I however did like them. I was so much stronger those days and the whole time I am thinking life is wonderful, I'm living the "American Dream" as some would say.. He was out messing with other people. So I was a closet addict.. No one really knew what I was doing.. I was just happy all the time and moving forward. I have numbed myself for five years and for me.. Suboxone gave me only part of my life back because I was stil numbing with that. This is truly only my experience and my demons I am talking about. I have watched a few people that I know do just fine with taking it and staying on it with no problems at all. I am ready though.. I have been putting of marrying such an amazing man because I will lose my caresource medical card.. WTF? That is a problem! Even though I have to pay for my dr. visits I get my meds for free and that has been lingering in my head.. I also want more in my life and please don't think I am blaming suboxone, I blame Myself not the meds. It's time to get it together and I am so ready. I can also say I have been thinking about this for some time but about eight days ago it just came over me like I can't eve explain.. I just know I am ready.. Of course I do not look forward to the pain that this brings and since I have been doing it for two years I am sure it's not going to be an easy ride but I am just praying that God gives me the strength.. I remember after having everyone of my children not even taking the pain meds... I can't believe I was once that strong but I plan on being that person again. I would like to have another child as well and even though some people say it would be "Ok" to take them while pregnant.. I wouldn't chance it.. This is a hard addiction to kick in the ass and I would never ever forgive myself if I carried a chid that came out withdrawling. Thank you guys for replying though and for the encouragment! Today I only took 1 mg in the morning where is I usually take 2... I am going to pace myself and see what the day holds. I am going to shoot for only taking 1 mg this afternoon! Oh and @qhorsegal, How long are you giving yourself to taper? Also are you on the films or the pills? I think we can totally help each other!! Good luck to you too!!


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 29, 2013 9:27 am 
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I am using the films. My taper is kind of out of my control, I have one of those doctors who only allows patients to stay on the meds about a year. So I am down to 1mg per day and I have somewhere around a month and a half to two months to finish my taper. Part of what makes it hard for me is not knowing exactly what my taper will look like. I know that I will stay at 1mg until my next appointment which will be in about 2 weeks. He has been letting me stay at my current dose for the first 2 weeks after the appointment and then making me drop by .5mg the next two weeks. I am hoping that since I am down under 1mg now he will slow it down just a little bit but I'm not really expecting him to. I have built up a very small stockpile because I dropped to the 1mg about a month before I had to, but it won't last very long.

But I had that moment you are talking about to. I was so scared to taper, and I was constantly taking "extra" until a couple months ago. I just finally got it...I don't know why. There were things that happened that could have made me get to that point but it was a couple weeks after when it hit me. I just had a complete shift in thinking. Now I'm ready...

Good job on only taking 1mg this morning! It took me over a week to adjust to the 1mg dose, but it's doable.

-Q


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 29, 2013 1:04 pm 
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Ok I see, I know that is frustrating but it does seem like your dr. is atleast trying where my dr. is a joke! I was so angry the last time she raised my dr. appt. from 230 to 285 and her reasoning was "Cost of living" SERIOUSLY?! There had been cost of living changes around that time and it was the third time she had done this to me... I felt like they were laughing at me.. like "I know you will pay" .. And of course for two more months.. I did.. I feel like that is allowing other's to control my outcome. I took 3 mgs yesterday I was trying to decide if today I would taper down to 2 mgs or 2.50... I am still not really sure.. I know that I won't really feel the WD until about Weds. Right now I am doing alright.. Of course I have been super busy at work. I think I may go ahead and take my next mg and see if I can make it through the night. Even if that means going to bed early. Tomorrow will be harder since I have three out of four kids doing sports and they all have practice. I am trying to pace myself on one end and the other I feel very impatient. Of course.. Just like everyone else (I'm sure) I am ready to get this over with.. I would love to have minimal wd but I don't think I can actually taper down that far with these strips.. But idk.. So anyways, back to work for me! Thanks again for the reply and keep up the good work!!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Apr 30, 2013 10:36 am 
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Hi BrighterDays,

Welcome back!! I'm sorry that you felt embarrassed about coming back because you stopped your taper. I hope you know that you really have nothing to be embarrased about with us, we're addicts too, we know how that stuff goes.

Reading through your posts, it was kind of interesting how you and I decided to get off Suboxone for a lot of the same reasons.

About your taper....I understand you're wanting to get off Suboxone, but I think your latest drops may have been a bit too aggressive. I'd just hate to see you get hit with wd, then have to up your dose and have that knock the wind outta your sails.

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Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Apr 30, 2013 12:33 pm 
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Romeo, Thank you! I have to say I agree.. So I only dropped .50 this time around.. This is day two for me on 2.50 and I don't feel any difference yet.. Idk maybe tomorrow? What I did notice was that I have been having horrid memories come back into my life.. Last night I layed down and everything that has ever really been Traumatic in my life replayed in my mind over and over again.. I had to pray for peace last night because I started to remember why I numbed myself in the first place. I am thinking that .50 was a good drop this week but we shall see.. I hope so.. How are you doing? Thanks for taking the time out to reply to me. I couldn't help but to be embarressed.. It's like I told myself " I am just fine.. I can do this longer" I don't think I was truly "Ready" back than.. I feel so much more passonate about it now. Only time will tell.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 30, 2013 4:14 pm 
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Hey Brighter Days, I'm doing good, thanks for asking. I'm about a month away from 3 years off of Suboxone and I'm pretty happy about that!!

I'm glad you decided to back your taper off just a bit to 2.5mg, I think that's a good move. I'm also glad you're not really feeling anything yet, that's super!!

I think the horrid memories coming back is part of the wd process. I didn't really taper, so I got slammed with mine after I jumped. Either way, it's an unpleasant process. Learning how to deal with your thoughts and emotions in a healthy way is the name of the game. You can do it, it just takes a little time.

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Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


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