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PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 12:46 pm 
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Today is a new day....I'm going to STOP feeling awful about relapsing on my fifth day clean (last Monday) and with the help of several people on here, I am going to begin again. I have so many positive things I should be using as motivation and momentum, and I plan to do so starting now!

I'm a special needs teacher (specifically in a autism classroom) so I luckily have the summers off. January of 2014 I gave my life to Christ and ultimately decided that its beyond time to get off suboxone...I've been on for five years! I've struggled with my addiction to pain pills for over 10 years and in the past when I tried to get sober I had SO much working against me that I never could find the strength to stick with it. NOW, I can finally say my life is together....I have an amazing/supportive husband, a beautiful/intelligent 5 year old daughter (who is a miracle since I was told I couldn't have kids), a job I love, and I have finally patched up all the broken relationships with my family. Although things are patched up, I never told anyone in my family I went back on suboxone when my Mom died....they were all very judgemental when I was on methadone years and years ago, so I didn't want to tell them~ whether or not I should've I don't know, but at this point I don't think it would help anything. My husband does know, but he doesn't know I slipped up Monday. I've tried telling him and even texted him...but he never go the message for some reason. I don't want to disappoint him....I already feel disappointed enough for the both of us. ANYWAYS....so I honestly feel things are in order and I CAN do this and get sober this summer!

In January I started tapering. At the time I took between 16-24mg depending on how I felt that day. I know that needed to stop....unfortunately I am one of those people who experience some sort of euphoria with suboxone so if I was having a bad day I took more suboxone than needed. I immediately dropped my dose to 8mg and I started to feel withdrawals especially early in the morning before I would dose. Whether or not it was all in my head I don't know, but after a week on my new dose it stopped. I researched tapering plans and did my best to stick with it over the next 6 months. By my birthday June 18tg, I was alternating days with .25-.5 mgs. I honestly couldn't believe that I did it! My job can be VERY stressful and overwhelming, I never in a million years thought I would be able to drop down so low and still do a good job at work!

My last dose was on my birthday and I jumped the next day June 19th. Over the next five days I experienced very minor withdrawals....fatigue, anxiety, sleep issues, and some mild depression. By day 5 I woke up and felt great....physically. Mentally I hadn't successfully dealt with my anxieties....I became SO fixated on being clean and withdrawals that I couldn't focus on anything else! My normal routine in the morning is to run, shower, get dressed, listen to a Joyce Meyer podcast while I put on my makeup and stuff, read my bible verses for the day, and read a little from one of the books I'm reading....I couldn't focus on anything and unfortunately ALL of the important things I did each day weren't happening. Although I made myself run and do chores around the house, I couldn't read anything except stories on these forums (that's all I could read for hours because it fed into my fixation), I even had trouble playing with my daughter and cuddling with my husband. It was as if my mind was overtaken and EVERYTHING that used to make me happy didn't anymore. Although i wasnt taking suboxone, it was STILL controling my life! I relapsed and here I am. Back down to .5mg and anxiously waiting to jump again.

I guess I needed to vent...sorry. I am praying that my withdrawals this time around won't be much different. Unfortunately I did take a dose of 1mg for a few days, but I'm hoping since I'm back down it won't affect me too much. I'm definitely more prepared mentally this time....I've found that sharing my feelings on the forum really helps. I bought some supplements yesterday and I'm praying they will help. I desperately want to be clean and stay clean....I guess a part of me is afraid of who the clean version of me really is.....it's been so long time since I've been "that version" of myself. Most people are motivated to get off suboxone because it made them sick or gave them other health issues or made them reclusive.....unfortunately for me suboxone did the opposite ...it took the edge off and allowed me to more extroverted without fears overtaking me. But regardless...I need to learn to be comfortable with who I am sober...I'm not the same scared little 19 year old who hated who she was and where she was in life. I'm proud of how much I've grown and I'm proud of the person I've become. I know deep down that suboxone had very little to do with who I am today....I wish I could've jumped today but I have a funeral to attend tomorrow so I thought it would be safer to wait. Can anyone give me their opinion.....should I jump Monday or should I take.25mg for four days THEN jump?


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 1:03 pm 
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IMO, only you can say when it is right for "you"...I think doing it in "your" time will help you be sucessful at making "progress, not perfection", KWIM? :wink:

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 8:55 pm 
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I agree, it's really up to you. The longer you stay at a low dose the easier the withdrawals will be. (so I've heard)

So now you know what your mind will be like 5 days after stopping. This next time won't surprise you. Expect some mild depression and anxiety for a few weeks. And those aren't for sure either. I've read so many different stories here about jumping off Sub that one never knows how the process will go with them when they finally get off it.

You have the will and spiritual strength to complete this. I also applaud you for not beating yourself up too bad when you slip back a wee bit. You'll get there...keep us posted.

r

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