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PostPosted: Tue Aug 04, 2015 10:07 am 
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* I posted this in the Introduction board a few minutes ago but just switched to this board as it seems more relevant* - Hi all, I wish I had found this board a long time ago. I have already found out alot of info by reading through some threads on these boards. For now I wanted to introduce myself and ask if anyone can just send me a reply encouraging me.....please... my long story short is, I am a 38 year old mother of two amazing young kids, ages 7 and 4. And starting two years ago I got sucked into the world of oxycodone, slowly but surely it took over my life and led me to destroy my marriage, my career, my family, everything . I finally got it together enough to seek out a dr for suboxone treatment a year ago. However I knew nothing about proper dosage. I am 5'5", 115 pounds. I was taking 120-150mg/daily of oxy. The dr I went to see, I am finally realizing I think gave me way too high a dose of subs. He put me on 3 strips daily of 8mg suboxone. Needless to say, I got just as hooked on those as I was to the oxy. I was ok with it for a long time though because at least I could function again. But due to financial reasons, health insurance, and just the sheer fact that I realized I was on this other drug for a year without him ever even trying to taper me down, I finally said enough is enough. I read as much as i could and tapered myself down from 3 strips to about 1/4 of a strip daily over the course of two months. I'm furious at myself and him that he had me on such an unnecessary dose. Anyhow I was finally doing well, I was struggling a lot to kick that last little 1-2 mg /day of suboxone, but overall was somewhat proud. Until , the person who had originally introduced me to the daily use of oxy came back into my life. About two weeks ago, I caved and went to back to oxy. I am so upset and ashamed - I was doing well, I was finally getting it together a little bit , all for my children because if it weren't for them I know I wouldn't be here. I have struggled tremendously with the guilt and shame and sadness and fear about our future and all the hurt and pain I caused the people I love. And down I went again into the hole, continued oxy about 90/mg for the past two weeks until I went back to my dr yesterday. He didn't give me too much grief, some of course. But I asked him this time to give me Subutex, I was never a shooter and at this point the thought of taking oxy makes me sick with disgust at myself. I have read mixed opinions about Suboxone vs Subutex, over all my takeaway being that Subutex has a little more positive review. So my dr prescribed me 12 mg/daily of Subutex. Reading about it that again seems too much for my size. So - my last dose of oxy was yesterday about 12 noon , I took 60 mg. It is 9:30am here and I am freaking the F out with WD symptoms. I finally came upon the COWS scale sheet yesterday, I just rated myself around a 16. I know you're supposed to wait for a score of 26 but I am walking around my house restlessly pacing and crying, i am so nauseated and dry heaving, I have hot sweats and chills, all this while I am supposed to being a mom to my sweet innocent children. So, I just split up a Subutex and took about 2mg. I am terrified that it's too soon and that i'm going to go into precipitated WD but at the same time I literally cannot function. I have no one to call who can come watch my kids so I could let myself get deeper into WD through the day. I don't even know if I could handle anymore anyway. So , I just took it about 5 min ago, I don't feel anything yet except still crazy awful WD symptoms. I'm scared, I'm alone, and I'm begging anyone to offer me a word of support/advice/info/anything just to know there are others out there . Thank you!!! * edited - now 30 min since I took the 2mg of Subutex and not feeling any different ..


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 04, 2015 11:39 am 
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Hey abc :) welcome!

I gotta say, u sound a lot like me. I'm 39, 3 children and lost everything (Everything) when I was using (I used oxycodone too btw). I started sub treatment over 3 yrs ago and regained most of the awful things I lost during my active addiction. U can definitely do this!! Stay away from anyone from ur past that still uses....even if it's family, u gotta stay away.

Try not to beat urself up, ur an addict. Addicts relapse sometimes, it just part of it. It doesn't mean u don't love ur children, God knows I love mine but I couldn't pull it together for them. I had to pull it together for me in order to help them and live a better life in recovery. I think ur fine since u already took the sub, I wouldn't think ur in danger of any PW....not sure but I think ur ok now.

U sound so much like me. I truly hope that this go around, you'll keep negative ppl away and have the peace that u deserve. U also at least have an understanding Dr who gave u a second chance, so that's a plus. I think 12mg sounds ok for ur habit. As long as it stops ur cravings and withdrawal, that's what ya need. I don't necessarily think weight and all that matters so much. I do agree however, that 3 strips was too much.

Good luck and definitely keep us posted!!!!!!! :)

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 04, 2015 12:50 pm 
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Hello ABC,
Welcome to our forum. Ive deleted your post over in Introductions. No problem there.

How are you feeling now? I liked what jenn has said to you. Im not a dr but it is important to have wd gone along with cravings. You may need 12mgs for your cravings right now. Your tolerance, witch isnt shy high imo needs 4 to 8mgs to start.
I wouldnt get to hung up on the suboxone /subutex thing. They both will do the job .Both have Buprenorphine the active ingredient you need.

Have you taken more sub yet? Chances are you will not go into PWs if you go slowly, 2mgs at a time. .

Keep posting and lets know how you are doing please....

Razor..


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 04, 2015 3:09 pm 
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Thank you both Very much for your replies... JennJenn I'm so happy to hear that you were able to get back alot of what you lost!!! I know that will unfortunately not be a possibility for me, and for now I just need to get myself better. As you said I should be doing it for myself, not just for my kids. They are just the only positive part of my life left. - Anyhow, I took 2 mg Subutex around 5 hours ago. I didn't feel any help with the WD until about an hour later, I felt maybe a slight lift in my overall anxiety. But mostly I knew I wasn't going into precipitated WD so I took another 2mg, and then another 2 totaling 6mg . I left the house with the kids and went out for a few hours to try and get my mind off everything, and I definitely feel a huge difference. I am not suffering from physical WD symptoms right now. Just mental/psychological but that is always present. I don't feel "right" but I definitely feel better - I was able to keep some food down, I can relax and actually have a conversation with my kids, etc. Functioning again, but still off enough that I'm considering take another 1-2 mg . Suboxone did usually make me feel at least a slight energy lift that I haven't felt today.

I'm just concerned about being on a high dose of sub. The tapering process for Suboxone took me a couple of months and I don't really want to go through it again. But, I guess that's what a relapse is all about :(

Thanks again so much for your encouragement it means alot and glad to be able to bounce some questions off others about dosage .. I will be active around here as I am glad to know others are around for support.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 04, 2015 3:31 pm 
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OK, abc, we've got you. First of all, some days mommies get sick for real with influenza. Your children are probably old enough at this point to get themselves a bowl of cereal, toast, a banana, etc. They're not going to starve or dehydrate. Plus, for as long as it takes to get through this, they get to have as much screen time as they want: movies, cartoons, games online, etc. Are there any school friends who have moms who may be willing to take them for a day? They don't need to know why you're sick. Heck, tell them that the kids both got their flu shots, but you didn't get one last year.

Secondly, if you haven't gone into precipitated withdrawals by now, you probably are OK for now. Try to wait longer before you take another small dose. Maybe wait until 4 pm. At that point you could probably try 4 mg.

I'm sure you're going to feel like 12 mg is maybe too much, but get stabilized on 12 mg before you try to mess with your dose again. Obviously 1-2mg does not act as a deterrent to relapse, so you need to be on a higher dose. Don't let anger over a dose that you deem as too high cloud your judgment. I'm guessing that you need to either be on 4 to 8 mg to prevent cravings. The fact that the thought of taking oxy makes you sick does not mean that you can rely on that feeling to keep away from relapsing.

If you are not already participating in some kind of therapy you should highly consider starting. Find an addiction therapist, or an outpatient therapy group. The fact that you were susceptible to relapse doesn't make you a terrible person! But it does mean that you need to take responsibility for learning more about your addiction, triggers, and the reasons you may have been susceptible to relapse.

I hope the rest of your day goes smoothly! We'll be around!

Amy

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 8:49 am 
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Hey! Please don't beat yourself up over this. You are doing the right thing, and in the long run, it will be good for your kids to see you pull it together. I have known many parents who lost their kids along with everything else because the drugs were more important to them. Not judging, just saying you are trying to do what is best, and that is what matters! I have a son, i was young when I had him, and we kind of "grew up" together. He saw me through all of the years of drugs and drinking, how we survived I don't know, but I thank god everyday that he came through it all relatively unscathed.

I too don't want to be on too high a dose of this stuff, mostly because of how hard it is to get off of it...just went through detoxing off of methadone and I'd rather die than go thru that again. So I know what you are feeling there. But I know that if I were 100% clean from all drugs right now, I'd go right back to using....seems subs is the lesser of 2 evils at this point. Best of luck to you!


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