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PostPosted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 5:32 pm 
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Well Ill try and make a long story short. My name is Greg, im almost 29 years old, ive been clean for about 5months now thanks to the help of suboxone. I started eating percocet and vicodin when i was 20 years old, that led to snorting oxcontins around 23 years old, then to snorting heroin at 25 years old, then shooting heroin at 26 years old, i still managed to be a functionable addidct and work 50 hours a week and hold a good job, i thought i was the man for being able to do this, i pretty much felt invinsible. And then it all just crashed down..... I got clean when i went ot jail for 3 months, i was doing weekends and couldnt even sober up to do them and i violated so they sent me to prison for 3 months and 2 weeks, I had a great job I loss, condo and great girlfriends ive lost as well, u know the story seems to be the same for alot of addicts, however most of those things i miss dearly, the friends and girlfriends...Im clean now ive gotten a good job again, i had to pay $12,000 out of pocket to restore my teeth in perfect condition even know there implants and not really mine, ive gone back to really caring about my looks again, working out, going tanning, back to being a good looking dude agan. It just seems like i still have trouble moving on from the past, I feel crappy for the way ive treated myself, others, my family....my family still loves me to death and always helped me thru the struggle. I somnetimes catch a glance of my arms and see the scars from the needle marks that i use to shoot in the same place, i wonder if others notice them??? I wonder if people can tell that i did heroin?? Im scared to tell anybody I meet that I IV"d opiates, more or less embarrassed I guess. I mean im successful again tho now, i have money in the bank, a good job, i saved money to buy myself a porsche in cash, that i saved for 3 years next month when i finally get my license back after a 3 year suspension...all these things seem great in my life now, it just seems like i cant shake the past and the mistakes I made, All these success's and I still wonder how they compare to the faillures. I wonder how long i will need to stay on the suboxone? can i still succeed without it?? and the funny part is i dont think about drugs and more or anything like that, i threw out my cell phone and started over, i stopped talking to everybody that pretty much new me as a funcitonable addict. I guess im just mad that these people saw me at my worst, and i want to be able to show them my best! I wish everybody luck in there recovery and i hope it works out great for everybody!!! Thanks for reading my short story, lol, Im not a great writer but i tried : )


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 5:47 pm 
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Hi Greg and welcome and thanks for sharing your story. What you're struggling with right now is a very common part of addiction recovery: S H A M E. We all have struggled or are struggling with it and we know how it feels.

I've found that for me, it's best to decide to live in today rather than the past. And holding on to the shame of yesterday - something we cannot change - is living in the past. I also refuse to live with regrets. Instead, I look forward and ahead. It took awhile to "train" myself to think differently, but I did manage to do that.

Now, after over 2.5 years on suboxone, I love the person I am post-addiction WAY better than the person I was even PRE-addiction. I'd go through it all again just so I can come out the other side of it the stronger, better person I am today.

So I'd say in order to stop focusing on the shame you need to adjust your thinking. You can't change the past and look how far you've come! You should be PROUD of yourself, not ashamed! You can get there.

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 6:00 pm 
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thanks for the advice HAT, everything youve said is true, and parts of me do feel great, I guess in a situation like this, Time is paramount.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 10:16 pm 
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For me, the key was forgiveness........I had to learn how to forgive myself. Learning how to truly forgive yourself can be difficult, but once you do it you'll feel a lot better.

Understanding that I was an addict and working to understand addiction helped me immensely in learning how to forgive myself.

I'm just gonna mention this last one, I'm not necessarily saying to do it, but I felt it was worth mentioning. I took my wife with me to a couple of my NA meetings where I was celebrating my one month or two month anniversary. Of course, during the meeting, people share about their recovery, they spoke of how we addicts act and you should have seen the look on my wife's face! She was stunned that everyone in the room behaved exactly like I did, they said the things I said, they made the same mistakes I had made, yada, yada, yada. On the ride home from the meeting, my wife couldn't stop commenting on how the other people were just like me. She finally understood that she had nothing to do with my behavior and it made her feel a whole hell of a lot better too.

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 14, 2011 11:18 am 
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And on that note that Romeo mentioned, there is a great book that I plan to re-read, it is called Dare to Forgive, by Edward Hallowell

Thanks for joining and sharing your story
Anita

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 14, 2011 9:53 pm 
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If your child or a close family member or friend did some bad things would you think they were a terrible person? Or would you still think they were a good person who made some bad mistakes? I think it would be the latter, but as addicts we don't seem to be able to give ourselves the same level of understanding that we would give someone else. You have to literally imagine that your best friend came to you with the same story you just told us. And then treat yourself with the same compassion with which you would treat him or her. I know it's hard. In fact I think it's probably the number 1 issue that recovering addicts have to deal with. Stick around the forum. You will find yourself in good company. We're all trying to grapple with old behaviors and build healther behaviors so we can face the rest of our lives drug free.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2011 7:52 pm 
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GregNitty28 wrote:
Well Ill try and make a long story short. My name is Greg, im almost 29 years old, ive been clean for about 5months now thanks to the help of suboxone. I started eating percocet and vicodin when i was 20 years old, that led to snorting oxcontins around 23 years old, then to snorting heroin at 25 years old, then shooting heroin at 26 years old, i still managed to be a functionable addidct and work 50 hours a week and hold a good job, i thought i was the man for being able to do this, i pretty much felt invinsible. And then it all just crashed down..... I got clean when i went ot jail for 3 months, i was doing weekends and couldnt even sober up to do them and i violated so they sent me to prison for 3 months and 2 weeks, I had a great job I loss, condo and great girlfriends ive lost as well, u know the story seems to be the same for alot of addicts, however most of those things i miss dearly, the friends and girlfriends...Im clean now ive gotten a good job again, i had to pay $12,000 out of pocket to restore my teeth in perfect condition even know there implants and not really mine, ive gone back to really caring about my looks again, working out, going tanning, back to being a good looking dude agan. It just seems like i still have trouble moving on from the past, I feel crappy for the way ive treated myself, others, my family....my family still loves me to death and always helped me thru the struggle. I somnetimes catch a glance of my arms and see the scars from the needle marks that i use to shoot in the same place, i wonder if others notice them??? I wonder if people can tell that i did heroin?? Im scared to tell anybody I meet that I IV"d opiates, more or less embarrassed I guess. I mean im successful again tho now, i have money in the bank, a good job, i saved money to buy myself a porsche in cash, that i saved for 3 years next month when i finally get my license back after a 3 year suspension...all these things seem great in my life now, it just seems like i cant shake the past and the mistakes I made, All these success's and I still wonder how they compare to the faillures. I wonder how long i will need to stay on the suboxone? can i still succeed without it?? and the funny part is i dont think about drugs and more or anything like that, i threw out my cell phone and started over, i stopped talking to everybody that pretty much new me as a funcitonable addict. I guess im just mad that these people saw me at my worst, and i want to be able to show them my best! I wish everybody luck in there recovery and i hope it works out great for everybody!!! Thanks for reading my short story, lol, Im not a great writer but i tried : )



hi greg! i really enjoyed your post/introduction. i am on the road to success as well, and it has been really hard to look back at the bumpy times that i used. i really cant grasp how i did that to myself. i think your story is very inspiring and you seem to have come a very long way. if you have to stay on subs for a while, then i think maybe compared to the alternative, its totally okay! that is what i think, anyway. i know i am anxious to get off of it at times, but the people here always say to slow it down, and i hear the same from my doc-i know they all know what they are talking about!
you seem like you are on the right path. when you do decide to taper, ill be looking out to hear your story!
my plan is to taper from my 2mg daily (down from 16mg in may) totally off in december.

cheers!


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2011 7:53 pm 
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hatmaker510 wrote:
Hi Greg and welcome and thanks for sharing your story. What you're struggling with right now is a very common part of addiction recovery: S H A M E. We all have struggled or are struggling with it and we know how it feels.

I've found that for me, it's best to decide to live in today rather than the past. And holding on to the shame of yesterday - something we cannot change - is living in the past. I also refuse to live with regrets. Instead, I look forward and ahead. It took awhile to "train" myself to think differently, but I did manage to do that.

Now, after over 2.5 years on suboxone, I love the person I am post-addiction WAY better than the person I was even PRE-addiction. I'd go through it all again just so I can come out the other side of it the stronger, better person I am today.

So I'd say in order to stop focusing on the shame you need to adjust your thinking. You can't change the past and look how far you've come! You should be PROUD of yourself, not ashamed! You can get there.



id just like to say you are a great moderator for this website, as i have seen you tell the truth and really put your energy into this-thank you for the support! i mean it!
and i agree with everything you just said here. we should ALL be proud for getting to this point!
:)


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2011 7:56 pm 
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:) Thanks very much for saying that, Jenzo. You didn't have to take the time, but you did, and I very much appreciate it. It's sentiments like that that keep me here. You guys are all great - were it not for you, I wouldn't be here either.

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2011 9:53 pm 
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hatmaker510 wrote:
:) Thanks very much for saying that, Jenzo. You didn't have to take the time, but you did, and I very much appreciate it. It's sentiments like that that keep me here. You guys are all great - were it not for you, I wouldn't be here either.


I appreciate all the advice and time people put here. It is SO hard to get out in the world everyday dealing with the shame and guilt associated with taking medication for addiction or pain or whatever it may be.
So glad to find a place I can relate in :)


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