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PostPosted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 10:03 pm 
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Hello All,

I didnt know where else to put this post. Im being totally honest right now. I am bored being sober, and I genuinely miss being high right now. No, I did not do anything stupid. No, I did not migrate the slippery slope down from thinking to acting, but I just miss it, plain and simple. I guess the truth also is that when I first started the subutex I did get a little buzz from it, a mild one, but still felt "nice". That has since gone away, so sober as can be... Have any of you ever felt that way? Loved feeling normal and off opiates, but stopped and remembered how the high felt so nice and warm? I guess I am just looking for some support, validation and reminders why the nice warm feeling was not so nice or warm after all! Thanks all and look forward to hearing back soon!

MW


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 10:29 pm 
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Hi mwflorida,

You hit the nail right on the head when you said you're bored. Boredom is such a trigger for many of us. I don't know about you but I used drugs just so I could feel anything other than normal - including to get rid of boredom. Over the last 15 months, yes, I've missed it. But I try to immediately put it out of my mind and move on and keep busy. Plus the longer I'm off the drugs the less I obsess about it.

I'm glad you were able to turn to us and this forum to share how you're feeling. That's what we're here for! And I'd say the way you're feeling is 100% normal and to be expected sometimes. We just have to find ways to modify our behavior and change our bad habits. But getting it out and talking about it has the effect of reducing the obsession. So I say you're handling it pretty damn well.

Take care,

Melissa

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 11:24 pm 
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I am glad you said something too. I think it is totally normal and being this honest with us and with yourself is a good thing. I think we all know what you are talking about. Getting off suboxone I just felt and often feel like I am so uncomfortable in my own skin sometimes. I remember thinking "I just wish I could feel warm and content". I know exactly what you are talking about.

The thing is....I don't really miss being "high". I miss feeling comfortable. So really think about how you are feeling if you can. Are you sure it is "high" you are looking for and not something else. What sensations are you having in your body such as heartrate, or tension, etc. Boredom is huge but often really means depression. Are you feeling depressed?

I am just trying to help. I know for me my mind automatically goes to a craving or I miss being high and often I don't miss being high but am trying to alleviate some other feeling I haven't consciously identified yet or pinpointed. Once I do I can often find some other thing to alleviate that feeling.

At the same time....I just miss my suboxone in the worst way at this point and cannot wait to get back on it. And I have oxycodone from surgery....but what I really want is to feel normal on the suboxone...not high. I hope you can get through this. That feeling you have definitely sucks. Take care.


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 11:27 pm 
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mwflorida, welcome to the forum. My thoughts as follows:
I don't miss being sick every morning as soon as I woke up.
I don't miss having to try and score before going to work each and every day for nine years.
I don't miss being unable to eat properly. I lost over 50 pounds in the first 3 years of my addiction, most of it muscle.
I don't miss being ripped off with bags of cocoa powder or builder's plaster.
I don't miss lying to my wife and children.
I don't miss driving a 7.5 ton truck whilst high, which was my last job.
I don't miss being broke all the time.
I don't miss crapping my pants every time a cop looked at me.
I don't miss trying a thousand times to go cold and giving up by day 3 to score more junk.
I don't miss organising my whole life around scoring and taking heroin.
I don't miss spending every waking moment worrying about where my next bag was coming from 24/7.
But most of all, I don't miss the feeling of self-loathing and disgust at being a slave to something that was killing me.
Enough reminders d'ya think?
Consider this: taking stuff and getting high is in your past now, you have been given a wonderful second chance to rebuild your life and regain your self respect. PLEASE DON'T WASTE THIS OPPORTUNITY!
We all have cravings, I relapsed once and immediately regretted it the next morning. Just the look on my wife's face ( she smelled the heroin stink in the bathroom after I sneaked in there to smoke it) broke my heart, and made me resolve to keep on the straight and narrow.
Now I keep myself busy, reading books, finding new interests and yes, constantly posting stuff on this forum! This is a great place for support and information, and there is nothing else like it anywhere as far as I can see.
Good luck my friend in all that you do, and best wishes to your family.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 07, 2010 7:22 pm 
Me too, MW. I miss that opiate feeling sometimes as well! I wish the memory of it could be wiped forever from by brain!
At times, especially during the first few months on Suboxone, I just kind of white-knuckled it through those cravings or whatever label you want to give those feelings of missing the drugs.
As time has continued on, what I try to do is use those times to learn about myself and my addiction. I am learning to stop when those cravings come and....think. Not about all the reasons why I don't want to or shouldn't want to use drugs, although those are important (however, not enough to have stopped us from using in the past!) What I'm learning to do is think about what is really going on with me. Why am I thinking about and wanting to use opiates? What is it that I'm trying to escape from or numb up from? What emotion am I feeling that I don't want to feel? What is it that I'm dreading doing so much that I'm wanting to 'buzz' my way through? These are questions that if I don't begin to answer, I don't have a chance of staying free from active addiction.
Sometimes it is boredom. I'm just not having fun with my daily life. It all seemed easier with a buzz! I felt like I was in a better mood when I was taking opiates.
Sometimes it's anxiety or fear. Sometimes I think I'm a bit depressed. Or angry at someone or about something. There are lots of possibilities!!
I'm finding that if I can identify some of this stuff, I'm actually getting at my "triggers." I've been told that the ability to know your triggers is very important, but earlier in my recovery I wasn't able to do it......everything seemed to be a trigger and nothing seemed to be a trigger! Now I'm finally able to discern things a little bit better........Progress!!
I feel like it's all a process. MW is on the right track by at least being able to admit that just because she's on bupe and doing pretty well, it's not the end of the process. It doesn't take our addiction away! For me, it just gives me a much better opportunity to work on all of this......to delay gratification (because full-agonists won't work) long enough to figure out what's really going on with me.
Those are my thoughts. I'm with you MW. I miss that feeling too. But as SneakyElephant and all of us know, we don't want to go back!


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 12, 2010 8:09 am 
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thanks everyone for your replies! sorry its been a few days, I have been SO BUSY with work (which is a good thing because it is my company). To clarify, I am not bored. I just feel that being sober or normal or whatever you want to call it is boring at times. I dont know how else to describe it other than boring. I guess once you get the taste of the opiate glow, its hard to forget it. Sneaky elephant, you are so right. I dont miss all the bullshit that came along with it, the counting pills, the lying, stealing, sneaking around and the constant obsession. I dont miss that one bit! I dont feel that I am a person is bored, I am busy from the minute I get up until the minute I go to sleep... I just find that throughout the day (not constant), I think how much more fun it would be to be buzzed. i do realize that opiates are a package deal and I am NOT willing or wanting the baggage that comes with it. I really just needed some validation that others have felt that too at times. I did go back to my doctor who was fabulous and put me back on the 10 mg a day with a few to spare. I have my next appt. on tuesday and overall I would say the past 2 weeks have been very successful. I was having issues with dosing too many tmes and that has gotten better. I finally get the connection that taking another quarter 2 hours after my morning dose is going to do nothing but waste it. the plan is to drop to 8 mg on tuesday and I am OK with that. Again, thanks for your support and let me know how I can help any of YOU!

MW


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 12:13 am 
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I've come to realize that I haven't felt bored once in the 2 years I've been on Suboxone. Just being able to come home, lay on the couch and watch TV instead of come home, scramble for money and call every connection in my phone book 30 times is enough - but I think the main thing for me is setting huge aspirations. I have a very deep goal of reaching success and independent wealth. I'm not concerned with relationships or going to bars or anything your average 23 year old would be into since I've done it all, been to hell and back, and it's all old news. If there is one thing I've learned the most, it's that I do NOT want to be working a 9-5 past the age of 30 but I'd like to reach some of my goals before then. I've got some other very important ones, including buying my mom a house on the beach to repay her for the past 23 years of blood, sweat and tears she has given me and the life she has sacrificed for my well being. She is a saint and I want her to live like a queen for the sheer level of love she has shown me my whole life. The feeling of being able to do that for her is just immaculate and would make me explode with joy. So there really is no time for me to be bored or dissatisfied with my sober life. What I'm suggesting is to set very high goals, or pick a really great skill or specialty and dump your heart into it - then you will never have time to be bored or think about using drugs. It's all about seeing the world for the big, unknown creation full of excitement that it is, instead of being constricted to the day-to-day rat race of modern society.

And if my thoughts ever start to wonder, I just stop and think of everything it has ruined, everything I've worked for, the people I love and the dreams I have. A warm fuzzy feeling now could NEVER replace the warm fuzzy feeling that I'm going to get the day I realize my deepest aspirations are becoming a reality.

Going back in to it just makes me feel like I'm taking a fall just like all the a-holes want me to. To hell with letting some corner thug or pharm company profit off of your despair. That is what they want. They want all of us to fail, so there is more pie for them.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:16 am 
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I can relate to this also. Even though I've only been clean since last Friday. This is the LONGEST I've gone in about two years NOT having vicodin! I'm SO happy about that. I feel accomplished. So much time I wasted...sitting around waiting for friends to come back with scripts to bust them up,insane money spent to travel 100 miles to where all my connections are,tracking down people who owed me back, counting pills, I didn't get into that until I had 50 left. Then I'd count them, the less I had the more I counted. Sometimes even 20 times a day, it's almost like I somehow magically expected the number to change. Then the nervousness before I called for my script, what do I do if they say no this time? etc, etc..all the fear, anxiety, and stress. For once I don't feel like I'm being controlled by my addiction. That quiet is a blessing..


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 Post subject: anyone out there?
PostPosted: Thu Aug 12, 2010 9:47 pm 
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heh. I said that a few days ago but today, I've been thinking about getting high a bit. Awful.. just awful. I don't have anyone to talk to about this really..so that's why I keep finding topics on here and posting like mad..Is there just a general place we can talk


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