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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 6:40 pm 
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Hi everyone.
I've been reading some of your stories for a few weeks now, and finally felt that I could share mine.
I'm 28 years old, very happily married, with a beautiful six year old daughter, who is the light in my darkness.

I've been having mental health problems since my teens, I didn't have the best childhood. I have Bi-polar Disorder and constant anxiety. Which i started to self medicate with codeine. My dad was taking it for his arthritis, it was the relatively strong version 30/500 co-codamol. I started by taking the odd tablet here and there to get through work or other situations. Then I started taking ten at a time, my dad started to notice that pills were going missing. So he started to hide them. I was pretty addicted by then, so I had to figure out where I was going to get codeine from. In england you can buy co-codamol 8/500 over the counter in a pharmacy. Again I started taking just a few, but then I ended up taking a whole box a day (32 pills) I felt so sick and ill all the time, because of the vast amounts of paracetomol I was taking with the codeine. I went cold turkey a few times, but only lasted a couple of months at a time.
I was seeing a CBT therapist throughout all this, for my mental health problems, and in 2009 she refrerred me to a private psychiatric hospital and I thought that finally I would get help for all my problems. I received intensive CBT therapy for nearly six months, and for the first two months of being there, I was off codeine. But then I started sneaking it in, as I was allowed to go out. I never told anyone about it whilst in hospital, but I should have done maybe they would have helped me. It really was an amazing place, the staff treated you with empathy and respect, not like some crazy person. I was very lucky to get funding to go there. My therapist that referred me helped me so much, and I'm so grateful for everything she did for me.
I left the hospital in early 2010, unfortunately things went downhill, I couldn't even look after my daughter, I've never been a full time mother due to my mental health issues, my mum has helped me so much with her, and I'm eternally grateful to her. After a few months of leaving. My addiction got really bad, and on top of codeine I started taking ketemine nearly every week aswell. I was barely ever home, getting drunk and high all the time. My Bi-polar was getting worse, I don't know why it happened, but I tried to take my own life, I overdosed on heart medication, was very lucky to have survived. I was taken to a psychiatric hospital, where I had my first ever fully blown manic episode with psychotic features. I escaped the pschiatric hospital, where I got up to things I'm really ashamed of. Luckily my friend said I could stay with her for a bit until I got settled, but I had no meds for my bipolar so the mania got worse. One night she invited a friend over, who ended up being my husband, whom I'm really happily married to right now. He really helped me got me to a psychiatrist to get some meds to get over the mania. He is the most amazing person ever, I love him so much, there are no words for how much I love him. We got married in july 2010. Unfortunately I was still taking codeine. Another bad is that my husband takes morphine tablets as he has severe back pain, and has had three operations. I started taking morphine every now and again, until my husband found out, and we decided to get a locked box for them. It caused alot of problems between us. Eventually i decided I needed help, so I went to see my Gp. I told her everything, so she put me on codeine, and I could taper at my own pace. That seemed to work in the beginning, but eventually I would find the key to the box and help myself to codeine and morphine. He then started to wear the key on his person, one night I went crazy and opened the box with a hammer! My husband wasn't happy. I felt so ashamed and guilty about what I did all the time. It was a living hell. I still bought codeine over the counter aswell.
To cut a long story short I was still seeing my CBT therapist, and in march 2011 she referred me to the drug and alcohol team. The doctor I saw there was amazing I told her everything, she was so kind and understanding. She prescibed subutex, and explained that it would take away my cravings, and stop the effects of the opiates I was taking. I was really hopeful, I thought finally I would be free. When I first started taking the subutex, I felt great! I had energy, my depression lifted. I thought this drug was the answer to my prayers. For 3 months I stopped all opiates! I was so proud of myself. But then the temptation to take my husbands morphine came into my mind so I did. Why oh why did I do that????
Every few weeks or so I would take some morphine, so me and my husband decided to get a digital safe so I wouldn't have acsess to the morphine. This worked (for a while, will get back to this)
I thought about the subutex, and I wondered why i felt so good in the beggining and why do I feel so crappy now. I've put on 5 stone since taking this medication, also I'm constantly tired, I have no energy, no motivation, no nothing. I asked my doctor about this, she said, she didn't think it was the subutex, but reading your posts Iv'e discovered that many of you have similar problems to me. I just desperately want to be opiate free!!!!

A couple of months ago I decided I would start tapering the subutex by 2mg a week, maybe a bit too fast anyway, I got down to 1mg and jumped off, I lasted less than a week, it was hell on earth, I just couldn't deal with the withdrawals. I didn't know what to do, plus my subutex doctor didn't know that I had stopped taking it. I was virtually on the brink of a breakdown. Two weeks ago my husband rang the doctor and I got an urgent appointment. I really didn't want to go back to subutex, and asked the doctor if I could have some clonidine, as I had read on this forum that it helped some of you, but she didnt think it was such a good idea as it didnt help everyone, and she didn't want me to suffer anymore, so she prescribed 0.4mg of subutex four times a day, she said I could slowly reduce from there. I was just thankful that I wasn't going through withdrawals anymore. Yes it's going to take a little longer, but I am determined to get off subutex.

The current problem I'm having at the moment, is that I've discovered how to open my husbands digital safe. I'm so ashamed. Ive taken morphine 3 times in the last two weeks. I feel so guilty. Why do I keep doing this, it's like some force within me is pushing me to take it. I really don't want to do this anymore! I want to be opiate free and happy. The morphine doesn't even make me feel that good, It's so not worth it. The after effects of taking morphine leaves me so fatigued. I don't have any life left in me, all I want to is sleep all the time, as i can't stand being awake and feel what I'm feeling. I can't even look after my daughter, for the past few weeks shes been staying with my mum. I feel so guilty because I don't have the strength to look after her, but it's my own fault because I'm the one who took the morphine. I love my daughter so much and I want her to see a happy mother who is capable of looking after her, make her happy, she means everything to me, and so does my husband. I want them to see the old me, who is productive, a loving mother and wife. Right now I'm useless to everyone, all I do is lie on the sofa, screaming inside my head. Will this ever be over???? I'm so ashamed and feel so guilty. Please help!

Thankyou so much for reading my post, i know it's really long, and I'm grateful to everyone who took the time to read this.
Thankyou again. :)


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 7:12 pm 
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Hi there Kasialovesjohnjohn, and welcome to the forum!

WOW! What an amazing story! Thank you so much for sharing it with all of us!! Maybe one day I will have the courage to do the same. My heart actually hurt for you while I was reading it. I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, I truly wish that I did. You sound so desperate, much like I was. I would have given my right arm to break the cycle of addiction. I lost custody of my two beautiful daughters when my addicton was active, so I understand the pain for a daughter. I am in the process of getting an attorney and fighting to get them back. (long story) We are all here to support you in any way that we can. This is a wonderful forum, where you will find tons of information and even more support from people just like you and I. Just try to hang in there as hard as it seems. I know that feeling, the pull inside of you. Almost like you aren't even controlling your own mind and body when you want morphine/codeine/or whatever! I have been there. I fortunately am no longer at that place, and I will help you if you need to chat, or whatever. I wish you all the luck in the world!

Best Wishes,
Kel

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 Post subject: Bi Polar
PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 7:39 pm 
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Hi Kasia and Welcome to the Suboxone forum. Your story is a heart breaker for sure. When our addiction starts to involve our children then it's time to wake up and do something about it. I know you said your own childhood wasn't the greatest but think how your own child is doing during their childhood now. Everything you do impacts the kid so keep that first and foremost in your mind as you struggle for recovery from this terrible addiction to opiates. We all know the feeling of intense cravings you have. And I too have taken morphine and regretted it, only to do it again and again. Who knows why we addicts do some of the crazy stuff we do. Our job now is to stop all that and find recovery.

My suggestion? Get back on the Subutex and stay on it for awhile. You need to be stable and get treatment for your Bi-Polar illness and you can't very well do that if you are practicing addiction. Why did you feel the need to stop the Sub? You said you are determined to get off of it, why? If you can't function now and you know how good your life was when taking it, then go talk to your doctor and get back on.

Haven't you figured out that the morphine doesn't do anything when you are taking Sub? Believe me I've tried. The Sub blocks out the morphine so it is a waste of your husbands meds to take them. They don't even get you high so why bother?

So that's my 2¢ Get back on the Sub, work with your doctor about treating your BP illness, and work on NOT taking your beloved husbands medication. You did say you loved him, right? Then stop the behavior so he can get some relief from his bad back.

That's it. I'm done. Welcome once again and I hope you stick around to make some friends here. A lot of good people are here to help you any way they can.

Rule

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 10:35 pm 
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Hello Kasia,
Thank's for sharing your story, and I'm sure lot's of folk can relate to the hell your going through.
We addict's go M.I.A. for longer and longer periods of our lives, as the disease actively progesses. Working on recovery is hard, but well worth it and you can do it. You are part of a beautiful family, and I really hope you get clear of the cycle that is evloving here.
Best Wishes


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 5:34 pm 
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Hi Kasia, thanks for share this amazing story. My message is, you have to keep going, and never give up. same as what has been stated above, I think the treatment of bipolar should be your primary target


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 5:52 pm 
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Thankyou all for the lovely and supportive replies :) I'm never going to give up, thats for sure, and I'm going to keep trying until I'm off all opiates! I just wish it wasn't so hard, think it's even worse when you're mentally ill. You just wanna feel better there and then, and don't think of the consequences. Even at this moment I'm trying to tell my brain to stop telling me to take some of my husbands morphine :o I think I'm winning though :)

Again thank you for all the great support, I'm so glad I finally posted my story. Lots of love to you all!


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 Post subject: Just checking in
PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2012 7:33 am 
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Hi Kasia,

I was just checking in to see how you are doing. How have the cravings been? I think that Rule62 had great advice in telling you to get back on the subutex and to address the bipolar issues. Have you considered doing that? I know that you said that you just want off of all opiates, but why not worry about getting off of all opiates except for the subutex? The subutex should help control the cravings so that you can address the other mental issues right now. Once that is addressed and you are stabilized on your medications for the bipolar, then you can worry about tapering down slowly, and properly, from the subutex. You'll have the advantage of time without using, and you'll be in a better place mentally to deal with tapering and everything that it entails.

I am on suboxone, and I won't even consider lowering my dose, or tapering off of it until I am good and mentally ready to. I have done a lot of damage in my actve addiction and I have to deal with those things first. The suboxone has enabled me to do that. I don't know if I'll be on it for a year, 5 years, or the rest of my life, but I'm open to whatever it takes for me to be a happy and healthy mother for my son. I told you in my earlier response that I lost custody of my 2 daughters. I have been given a second chance to be a great mother, with my son. I am taking that second chance and I am going to be the greatest mother that I can be for him. He deserves it! So does your daughter. You still have the chance to turn this around and be there for her. I know that you can do this. I firmly believe that before you are able to though, you have got to take care of getting yourself on the right medications for your bipolar. I have a friend that is bipolar. When she finally got on the right meds and was stable on them, you couldn't even believe there was a problem in the first place. She says she feels "normal". I honestly hope for nothing but the best for you.

Let us know how u are doing. I am eager to hear how you've been.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 4:51 pm 
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Hey Everyone, just an update on my story, I've not touched any morphine for nearly two weeks now. I think a couple of you misuderstood my first post. I'm still on subutex, but I'm only on 1.6mg's. I don't know about anyone else, but subutex makes me feel so crappy, I just can't be doing with it anymore, I'm sick of not having any energy, motivation or enthusiasm for life. I truly believe that if I come off subutex slowly over the next few months, I'll feel alot better. As when I'm on subutex I just think I'm addicted to subutex, so I may aswell take something, as I still have my safety net (subutex). I don't know if you guys know what I mean by that. I've told my husband what I've been doing with the safe, he wasn't happy, but he was pleased that I was honest with him, that I don't want to keep doing what I'm doing, and going behind his back, so It's sorted. I've got an appointment with my psychiatric nurse, (who deals with the subutex) and he's going to sort some drug counselling for me. I've been on subutex for over a year now, and I'm much better than what I was then, I was taking 32 co-codamols a day, and killing my liver, so I'm much better.
My bi-polar is as under control as it's going to be, I don't have manic episodes anymore, because I'm on a mood stabiliser, and I've just recently changed antidepressants, so hopefully they will help, with my constant anxiety, which most of the time leads me to use some sort of opiate, so things are moving forward.
I'm really fighting now guys, and I really thankyou for your support. I'm so glad I finally decided to post here.

Hope everything is going good for you guys :D


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2012 11:43 pm 
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Hi Kasia, well it has been exactly a month since your last post and I wanted to see how things were going? I just read your story and all of the replies. I am hoping you are doing o.k.? If you don't mind a little suggestion, I would try to stay on the subutex and not be in a hurry to get off of it. Try decreasing your dose to where you don't feel so crappy. Maybe that will give you some energy and make you feel a little better. Don't get me wrong, I certainly know what you mean about feeling crappy on it. I did for a long time until I decreased my dose and switched from suboxone to subutex. See, I had a problem with the naloxone in suboxone, so switching to subutex was a god send for me. I felt so much better.

Anyway, I think the suggestions about treating the bi-polar issues being your first priority are good. But, like I said, I also believe you should try to look at subutex as something that helps you and not something you need to get off of right now. Take care and let us know how you are doing.

Take care!


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