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PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2011 12:28 pm 
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I've was on Suboxone for two years and my doctor allowed me to switch to generic Subutex (8mg a day) about a year ago because he knew he could trust me with it and he was also aware of my financial situation. Since I've switched I've moved to another state and now have a new doctor that I've been seeing for about six months. I have gotten myself down to 4mg a day. I've even managed to get myself down to1 mg a day for a while but ended up in the ER because I hopped off too soon. I wound up back on 4 mg. I did well on the Subutex until about 3 months ago. Then I started snorting the Subutex. I've ran terribly low a couple of times and had to change my appointments to try to get more. I also tried playing the back ache thing at some ER's to try to cop a script for opes because I was afraid to go into w/d. I did get a script about a month ago. The pharmacy notified my doctor. When he asked me about it during last months visit I told him I didn't take them. But I did. I just binged 3 weeks worth of Subutex in 5 days. I made an appointment to see him again on Wednesday. I want to come clean with him and tell him what I've been doing and ask him to switch me back to Suboxone so I can't abuse it. Problem is that I'm deathly afraid that he will drop me. I'll be toast if he gives me the boot!! So I don't know what to do. I was thinking maybe just telling him that I've been tempted to abuse the Subutex and want to go on Suboxone so I can't abuse that. Telling him I saved enough to get me through until I saw him and threw the rest down the toilet. Or should I risk being straight up with him and let him know that I've been taking liberties with the Subutex? I want to be honest and get this thing under control. I can't go on like this. I've been lying to my girlfriend who thinks I'm detoxing and down to .5mg a day now. I can't live with myself right now! I HATE lying!! I'm an honest person by nature until it comes to my addiction. That's where I lie and manipulate. It's a side of me I detest! I can't stand myself when I lie! My girlfriend doesn't understand the disease concept. And we've agreed that I detox because of sexual side effects. Everything is a mess. I've even thought of suicide if I can't get the medication I need. I cannot go through withdrawal again!! It's too painful and I can't hide THAT from my girlfriend.

With all of the cards stacked against me I feel that the doctor will probably drop me. It's pretty evident that his perception of me will be that I'm trying to manipulate him. That he may even think I'm trying to cop a script to sell this stuff. All of these things are going through my head.

So what do I do? Come clean with him and risk being booted or tell a "white lie" and tell him I've been tempted to abuse the Subutex?

What am I to do?

Please help me!!!


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2011 12:48 pm 
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I cannot imagine a doctor dropping you for honesty. If you continue as you are doing, you'll likely experience problems far worse than being dropped.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2011 2:01 pm 
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Inneed....Having gone through a life of addiction doing the same things over and over...and then once again lying 2 weeks ago after taking benzos from someone I care about I understand how you feel. Lying sucks and most of us in our disease lie. It is something I, too, HATE about myself and I know for me I cannot live that way. In recovery they say rigorous honesty is vital for healing and I believe that to be true. Rigorous honesty isn't easy, and I am by far perfect. I do, try, however to fess up if I find myself lying about something big or small.

I commend you for coming clean on the forum here. We all get it. We feel your pain, have been there, or are there. I want to offer support and let you know it is courageous to be honest here. Thankfully we have the forum for all of our recovery needs...I needed to come clean 2 weeks ago and I was able to get support here. What I also got were some hard truths I needed to look at and please take what I say as care and support, not a put down or mean or criticism. We criticize and beat ourselves up enough. We don't need it from anyone else. So, please know that is not what I'm doing. But sometimes the truths about ourselves sting.

This isn't a "white lie" you will be telling....or are telling. This is a continuation of addict thinking and behavior that will only get worse. Not only will the lying get worse but your disease will continue to grow...and like moman said you will have much bigger problems than being dropped by your sub doctor.
I am not trying to be harsh and I understand believe me. I say this because it is so easy to justify and minimize and we just cannot afford to do this. Not only do we have to be honest about our use but we have to be honest in all parts of our lives. It's hard and it takes courage to continually look at it and then fess up and make sure we stay on track.

TELL THE TRUTH. NOW. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to. You will feel better, you can get your addiction back in remission and continue to move forward in your life. What has been happening as you know is active addiction, you are not "taking liberties" with the Subutex. You are abusing it. This isn't a "white lie"...this is a huge lie.

You know what you need to do. You know the craziness of addiction. Reread your post and try to look objectively at what you wrote and what you would say if this was posted by someone else....how would you respond to them? Or, if this was a friend of yours...how would you respond to them if they came to you with this?

Come clean. Things will only get better if you do. If you don't, you'll stay in the hell of addiction possibly, or something even worse will happen.

This is an opportunity for you to recommit to recovery and see what other areas you need to work on. Look at what has been going on in your life lately that got you to needing to abuse the Subutex? How have you been vulnerable, what has triggered this for you? I aske these questions because I had to look at the same things in my life, why I needed a few benzos to get through and what other areas did I need to deal with and work on? I find that I usually relapse if I feel lonely. That is my biggest trigger. I also relapse when I feel powerless or afraid....I had all those feelings when I took the benzos and istead of talking about it to someone I kept it inside trying to fix it myself. We cannot afford to not reach out and ask for help and I have to get into the habit of doing it or else when I really need to I find I can't, or don't think about it until its too late.

Not a lecture...just some ideas and my experiences.

Let us know how it goes for you. Talk to your girlfriend, too. She needs the truth, maybe talk to your doctor first and then bring her in later so she can get more education or have her talk to a counselor that knows Sub and addiction....just an idea.
Good luck.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2011 3:52 pm 
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I'm quite under the weather today, so I didn't read the other responses, but I did want to say something. There is nothing about Suboxone that makes it so you cannot snort it. They can both be snorted. Perhaps you are thinking it's the naloxone? That is there so people don't shoot it. So this is an issue that won't go away by switching to suboxone.

What I'm thinking is that since you've gotten to such a low dose that you started having cravings and were frankly not prepared to deal with them without using. You won't want to hear this, but to be safe you might need to actually go UP in your dosage. That will give you time to learn new coping skills and how to live with normal ups and downs without using. It sounds like you're going off it to please someone else. In my opinion, that's the wrong reason and perhaps that's exactly why this happened. You need to educate your girlfriend. There is a thread here entitled "What is Addiction" and it's got one or two articles linked to it. Read them yourself then ask her to read them. In order for you to be in healthy remission/recovery, you need to be doing it for yourself and to have the support of the people around you.

Hopefully if you tell your doctor what happened you won't get terminated. I don't think I would admit to the snorting, just the relapse with other opiates. Tell him the cravings got bad and you need to go back up in dosage. Of course this is merely my own way of seeing it.

I hope you work it out and can regain some control over your life.

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2011 9:32 pm 
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Thank you for your replies! Yes I need to be honest in all affairs of my life. This hiding and sneaking and manipulating is compounding things. I can't stand lying!! And yes I have tried to get off of Subutex for someone else. And that is because the Subutex gives me ED and my girlfriend and I have a terrible sex life. She was my high school sweetheart. I've never stopped loving her all these years. I adore her! We reunited again after 31 years about 9 months ago. Things were going well with me and my sobriety until we got together and had problems in bed. That's when I decided to try to taper and detox. I wasn't doing this for me. Frankly after being single for close to 8 years I've had no interest in sex. So this is the major factor in my trying to detox. As far as triggers there are quite a few. My dad passed away last May. His birthday was yesterday. I've moved away from my mother to another state when my girlfriend and I decided to live together. I was quite happy and content being alone. But being in a relationship means having to compromise over some things. My girlfriends daughter doesn't care for me. That is a very difficult situation. There are other things but these are the major ones.

I just don't want to play anymore games. I want to be back in recovery and be happy again. I don't want to get myself into any more messes. I want to be able to take what I need and feel OK.

I'm afraid that if I do tell him about snorting Subutex he'll kick me out. And I'm also just about out of Subutex. I have just enough to last me until I see my doctor again. And I just saw him two weeks ago. How would I explain that to him? If I walk out with nothing I'm totally screwed. I don't know what I'll do. I want to be honest with him but I'm scared that he'll either send me away without more Subutex or give me the boot. Yes I could tell him I relapsed with another opiate. I could tell him that I used the Percs that I got at the ER and that I'm craving. Which is the fact of the matter. When I was on 8mg I had no cravings. Everything was fine. But I've been doing the up and down dosage thing with him for quite a while now. The girlfriend thing I can handle. I'll just have to tell her the truth and let things go whichever way they may. I just don't know what I should tell my doctor....


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2011 10:14 pm 
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It's a really tough situation and I feel for you. To be honest with you, if it were me, I would tell the doctor part of the truth. I wouldn't say I was snorting the sub. He could very well terminate your treatment - what else could he do? UNLESS - He could give you the films/strips. You wouldn't be able to snort them and you could be honest with him. I'd ask for the film no matter what you tell him just as a safety net for yourself. Like I said, it's a really tough spot you're in and I wish I could tell you the right answer. Good luck - I really hope it works out for you. Please let us know.

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2011 10:42 pm 
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Wow you do have a lot that has happened and I am sorry you are dealing with so much. Thanks for talking about the major issues in your life....it sounds like you do need to talk more about all of this....the forum is a good place if you feel comfortable or having a sponsor of some kind, someone in recovery who you trust that will allow you to talk about the big and small things and help you put things into perspective, or a counselor...Maybe you are already doing that....sorry if I missed it.

I might have not read this correctly but why can't you just tell your dr that you upped your subutex dose thinking it might help you manage your issues....that you were feeling overwhelmed with life stressors and found yourself self prescribing in a sense. It kind of gets by the snorting issue....maybe not telling him everything but being honest about the fact you took the subtuex not as it was rx and that you realize that it is not the way you want to do your recovery...you want to make sure that you follow his orders more stringently in the future and not relapse...that way you keep the snorting issue to yourself (and you've told us so at least you have disclosed it somewhere and gotten that secret out in the open). He obviously needs to know why you are short on Subutex. I hate to see you telling him a huge story that minimizes and it sounds like you don't want to do that at all, that you are ready to just deal with this, get honest and get back on your recovery track.

You have had some tough decisions....getting back with this woman is such a positive thing for you and you are trying to make her happy (and yourself too) but that in order to make her happy your recovery suffers. She needs to understand that if you don't have a recovery you won't have anything...and that includes a relationship....in the bigger picture. I really believe asking her if she would be open to learning more and then having her read some more on this site or some of the videos Dr J has done, or seeing a therapist who understands sub might really make a difference. There are some things you can do about the ED while you are on Sub. You might need more help in that area. It's really difficult...when I was on methadone I had zero sex drive and it is pretty amazing how that feels.Or, rather, doesn't feel. I was not in a r/s during that time and I never imagined I'd want one again based just on how methadone made me feel so dead. I mean there was just no interest and I remember I could have cared less at that time if I ever had sex again. It was a shocker to feel that way. How do you make someone who isn't on these meds understand? When I went on sub my sex drive came back with a venegence but then being in a r/s wtih someone on Sub who didn't have a sex drive much was still challenging, even though I understood it. I'd still think 'is it me?' and intellectually I'd know better than that.

I applaud your decision to come clean and to want to get back into recovery and get happy again. These things that you are dealing with (sex drive and girlfriend) can be changed and made better...those are things that hopefully with medical help that you can change. If your gf is understanding and if she is supportive she will do some things in order to support your continued recovery. I'd suggest some kind of meetings for her but that isn't the answer I doubt...esp. when many in 12 step programs don't understand Sub. The article referenced by someone earlier about Subutex being a crutch (on the recoveryselfhelpdesk) is great and she might like to read that as a start.

Hat is right as well....that the naloxone in Suboxone is to keep people from shooting the subutex. What is important for you is to stop taking more sub than you are prescribed....you didn't mention that you got high when snorting it but when taking more sub all you are doing is wasting money because it won't do anything for you....Many on the site has said they tried this in the beginning and realized it was just a waste.

Let us know what happens. You'll get this turned around, and hopefully get your girlffriend educated and things will get better for you. Good luck and thanks for talking about this here...


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 06, 2011 10:23 am 
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Hi Ineed....

I imgaine you had a rough, rather sleepless night thinking about all of this. I wanted to clarifiy two things I said...one is something that Hat also said and that is you said you wanted to go back on Suboxone so you couldn't snort it. You CAN snort suboxone...(the naloxone is there to deter people from shooting it)...so going on Suboxone doesn't deal with what your are really doing....self medicating and over using the sub (which, again is just a waste of money since it does nothing)...you can do the same on Suboxone....take more of it to help ease uncomfortable feelings...as you talked about you have had a lot of changes lately and are probably self medicating due to all those things and more....so it is important to deal with those issues or you will find youself doing the exact same thing on suboxone. Does that make sense? It is what Hat referred to as well....I think....I agree that it is possible that going back up on your dose for a while to stabilize...deal with several things that have happened...then try a taper with your dr. directing it. And make an appt with your PCP to talk about ED, ask your Sub dr. about it, etc and see if there are some things you can do. I know Cialis makes a dosage that you can take daily, instead of just when you want to have sex. I am not sure if it increases libido with the daily dosing or not...maybe taking testosterone would help....

The other is about not telling your dr about snorting. As I thought about that I realized that is just the same behavior....lie by omission. A lie by omission is still a lie. I get caught in that sometimes....thinking well its ok if they don't know, I didn't actually say anything....blah blah blah bullshit bullshit bullshit......same old stuff. So I want to retract that because it is still running around manipulating....'oh if I say this, he will do that, or if i do this, he might not do that....' you know what I am saying? As addicts that is how we get what we need and want....instead of have faith that people will respond to us in ways that are right for them . I know I need to get into the habit of asking for what I want/need instead of manipulating and that I also need to learn acceptance. I believe you will have a huge sense of relief if you go to your doctor and just tell him everything. That you have found yourself back in addictive behaviors and thinking...have had a lot of stress and want to get back into a stable recovery. THAT will go farther then partial truths...he'll know if you are lying...and most likely any more lying will get you the boot. I do hope he is compassionate and I'd probably also start looking for another dr just in case...with the idea of telling the new dr the truth as well. (hopefully you won't need a new dr.)

I'm not sure what your doctor will do with the information and I understand your fears of having no Sub. I was going up and down with my dose during my benzo relapse and my dr and I had talked about the fact that staying at 12mg would be sufficient. Well, I was having anxiety and all those other things that make me uncomfortable and I upped my dose back to 16mg...so what do you think happened? I ran out. (He had only written for me to have 12mg/day for a month and I had 45 pills, not the previously prescribed 60). I didn't even think about the fact that I'd run out. DUH. Altho, I did call him and left him a message that I was going to go back up to 16mg because I was having a lot of stuff going on. Because I had told him from the beginning that I would talk to him about any changes I was thinking about making I have been lucky that he calls me back within 24 hours. SO...the point is I found myself waiting by my phone for him to call me hoping he'd prescribe me enough to get though the month. As I waited for a return call i felt like I was tweaking, waiting for the UPS van or a dealer. It was sickening. Luckily he is compassionate and he wrote me enough to by until my next visit. I say this a lot but it amazes me how quickly all those behaviors and feelings come back when i'm not doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I hate myself when I am in that.

Ok, enough 'lecturing'. I really believe you will feel so much better as you work this out with your dr. You start there and then the rest will fall into place.

Keep talking about it here and let us know how things go for you...


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 06, 2011 10:55 am 
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Why don't you tell your doctor you want to switch to the film because it is easier to cut into more accurate doses for tapering. Since the film absorbs better, it might be enough to give you the little extra you need to prevent all these cravings. If not, then at the next appointment you can tell the doctor you want to increase your dose.

Your partner may want you to detox due to sexual side effects but if you are dead then it really won't matter now will it? This is life or death. The partner will either need to jump on board with you needing to put recovery first or she may need to get off the train. Now is the time to take care of YOU before you can't.

Cherie

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 06, 2011 7:13 pm 
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Yes I didn't sleep too well last night. Haven't been for days.

I've been tossing this situation back and forth in my head for days now. My anxiety is through the roof!! I have a script for 1mg Klonopin 2x daily. I usually don't use it unless I really need it, and man I'm needing it now. I'll be honest and say that my biggest fear is walking out of the doctors office with no script. I'm scared to death to go into w/d. I've been there a few times and I don't have to tell anyone here what that is like. I just can't go through that again. The thought of that and having to come clean with my girlfriend are killing me. We've had three heated arguments since we've been together and they've all been over Subutex. So I've been giving her lip service telling her I've been tapering just to avoid having a "thing". It kills me to be lying to her. I can't stand myself for that. Honesty, trust and communication are the foundation of a good relationship. And I've blown that. I can imagine that she may give me the boot too. We live together now. I've moved her to be with her from another state. The thought of losing her is very painful. But I have to trust that God will steer me in the right direction and give me the right words when I speak to both my doctor and my girlfriend. I'll be praying for them before my appointment Wednesday. I'm trying to focus on my faith in God whom I've chosen as my higher power. I went to church today and it felt so good to be there. The strangest thing happened while I was there. My coffee cup started leaking! I had to run out and grab some napkins and clean things up. Then my gears started turning with me thinking that this was some sort of sign. LOL... Ugghhh..

What I intend to do is tell my doctor that I want to come clean with him. That I've been trying to handle things on my own. I've never mentioned the feelings of my Dad passing away, his recent birthday, my girlfriends pressure to get off of Subutex, the problems I've been having with my girlfriends daughter, trying to keep the peace at home. I've had to bite my lip I don't know how many times when I've listened to my girlfriends daughter speak to her mother. She has NO respect for her. I've been feeling alone in all of this. Like I have no support group. I left my support group back where I came from. I had a mother and sister who were supportive and understand. My old doctor and therapist. All of whom I dearly miss. And that I've been self medicating to avoid dealing with these things. I intend to tell him that I upped my dosage to prevent relapsing. A little off I know but that may keep me from getting the boot. Then letting him know that I want him to run the show and that I intend to be forthcoming from now on. And that I will be going to AA/NA meetings again. I'm hoping that this will get me by and out the door with a script so I can start over so to speak. I need to get my butt to some meetings. I need to get a sponsor. I need to start working the steps again. I was 18 years clean and sober when I picked up. And I know that not going to meetings is what got me in this mess to begin with.

It feel good to get some of this out.

Thanks to everyone for your support and encouragement!!!


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 06, 2011 7:49 pm 
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I don't blame you for not telling the doctor everything. I agree that it might get you terminated from the program. And that's the last thing you need. Rigorous honesty is great and all, but we have to be realistic, too. And if you lose your sub and relapse, your honesty won't mean shit if you're dead from an overdose. I know some people will not agree with me, but that's how I feel. I do think you should also ask your doctor for the film - as a safety net for you. I think you need that, too, and I think that's very important.

I can't stress enough that you need to educate your girlfriend about addiction. Obviously she isn't going to seek out that information on her own, so you need to help her to understand. Addiction is not about weakness or strength of character. Please check out that thread I mentioned (What is Addiction). If you were on insulin or blood pressure meds, would she be fighting with you or threaten to leave you for taking that medication, too? I think not.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 11:02 pm 
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i totally agree with you hatmaker. I am in a new spot in my life the last year and i know the truth is the best thing and will set you free but........you have to be realistic. With that said, if I were in your position i would tell him that i want to get on the films and possibly up my dose as im having cravings, or that your worried about snorting the subs as you have been thinking about it more often with outside stressors nd you feel the film would take care of that issue while you work on coping mechanisms surrounding the snorting issue. anyways, thats what i would do. I agree that it wont do you any good to lose your sub script which may possibly result in your relapsing and hurting yourself. This is one of those situations that require you to think outside the box and try to step around the actual truth so that you do what will be best for yourself in the future, which is to get on film strips and get your cravings under control Also i agree about asking your grirlfriend to read a little about suboxone and the disease of addiction. At this time the last thing you need is added stressors regarding your sex life so dealing with it by educating your girlfriend might be a good way to handle this issue.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 2:32 pm 
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I found a coupon for the strips. I'll bring that with me when I go to the doctors tomorrow. Thing is that I don't know how much this stuff costs or where to find it. Generic Subutex is a lot cheaper than Suboxone. That's why I switched. I was doing So well at the time! Things were good and I had no compulsion to use at all. I was content. The past few months have been SO overwhelming. The memories of watching my father die. I dreaded going to the hospital. And the last words I spoke to my dad were a lie. I told him everything was going to be OK. I told him he would be fine. We got a phone call at 1:30 the next morning from the hospital telling us he had passed. I had SO much more I wanted to tell him. I would give anything just to have spent another hour with him. I wish I had stayed with him. We were at odds for many years and had just begun to have a good relationship. And I feel SO ~!@#$%^ ripped off!! The only thing that brings me comfort is that he's no longer suffering. And that God was merciful to take him before things got much worse. But that pain is still there. Now my mom's health is starting to give her problems. She has a respiratory disease. She's back and forth from the ER for breathing treatments. I have six children. My oldest daughter is close to winding up on the street because my son-in-law can't hold a job. The have six children to feed. I don't have the means to help her. I have no money to offer or anywhere she can stay. All I can do is pray that His will be done.

Again today my girlfriend wanted reassurance that when I see the doctor i won't go back up in dose. So there went another lie. THIS IS NOT MEANT TO OFFEND ANYONE so please don't take this wrong. But she is PMSing right now and she's difficult to be with the week or so before her period. She gets overly emotional and she rationalizes EVERYTHING. She admits this herself. So now is not a good time to drop the bomb so to speak and tell her about what's been going on. I need to give that another week or so.

I know I'm going to feel so much better when the truth is spoken. I know how cathartic that is. I remember my first 5th step and how free I felt afterwards. It was like the sky opened and the sun just poured all over me.

I'm dreading this trip to the doctor tomorrow. My anxiety is over the top. I'm so afraid that I'll screw up and explain things wrong and end up with no meds. I'm going to pray before I walk in that door and ask God to give me the right words and that His will be done. I'm going to trust that whatever happens is what is supposed to happen.

EDIT: Again, thanks to all of you who have responded and given me suggestions, a place to vent and some hope!!


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 3:23 pm 
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First of all I want to say that I'm a big-time feminist and you did NOT offend me. Some women do struggle for a week (give or take) out of the month. You are just finding ways to deal with that and I think you're smart to wait for a better time to 'fess up to her. I just wanted to stress that. So don't worry about that. (I have PMDD so i know where you both are coming from.)

I'm sorry you're grieving so badly over the loss of your father. I lost my father 4.5 years ago, so I can empathize. Try to focus on the good times you had. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with telling him he was going to be fine. We say those things to make our loved ones feel better. I'm sure you've said it to your kids when you yourself weren't sure things would be okay. I'm sure your dad knew how sick he was, so please try not to kick yourself in the ass so much about that.

Take that coupon into the doctor and they have to give you a card for the $75 discount. I'm pretty sure the coupon alone won't be accepted at the pharmacy.

Good luck with the doctor. If it was me I would practice what I want to say. It will prepare you a bit more and the more prepared you are the more comfortable you'll be. At least that's my opinion.

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-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 6:20 pm 
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i dont know if its all the same or not but my doctor printed me the coupon which is basically a really cheap looking card i.e., piece of paper with a square with the coupon info on it). anyways i took that to walgreens and they scanned it or wrote some stuff down or something and gave it back to me. The only reason my dr printed it for me was because i didnt have a printer. anyways, it might be diff with diff doctors but i wanted to share my experience. . just dont let the pharmacy take the printout or uw ill have to print out another one.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 7:54 pm 
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I'm a feminist too and you didn't bug me at all with the PMS comment. In fact I know I am a raging bitch for at least a week out of the month here and there. I own it. But I wouldn't be a true feminist if I didn't mention that men have their own "PMS". Call it what you want. Everyone has a cycle. Swear it.

You were so honest and genuine in your last message about your father. I feel for you. I can only imagine. It is so difficult to lose someone prematurely. But telling him things would be okay is the best thing you could say really. Things ARE okay for him I suspect. I hope you aren't offended by me saying that. But maybe you gave him peace in that moment and with your comments and that is how he left this world with a good relationship with you and I am sure that meant a lot to him.

You are in a really tough spot. I hope at some point you can come clean with your girlfriend but first things first is to get re-stabilized on the sub. You can't be unstable and go through a break up or anything that really throws you upside down.

My husband used to have a real problem with the sub. When I got off sub he was happy, except I was miserable. I was very honest with him during that time about how I felt, what was going on, my concerns for the future, etc. He eventually came around and wanted me to get back on sub. He feels better about things and so do I. I asked him for HIS help. I asked him to go through this process WITH me and be my friend and partner that I count on and trust. I think that changed things for him because he realized his recommendations and desires impacted me, and then him, and us as a whole. He ultimately was a good friend. When you can, you already know you will have to let her in. Bad news doesn't get better with time.

Let us know how things go.

-Jack

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Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

- Winston Churchill


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 9:44 pm 
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Well, I'm happy to say things went well with the doctor today. I let it all out. I was blubbering like a baby. I had much more built up inside me than I realized. He was very sympathetic. He knew that the pressure to detox was coming from my girlfriend. He suggested I see a therapist to deal with my issues regarding my father and girlfriend. He raised my dose to 8mg and that is the sweet spot for me. I feel much better. I took it as prescribed, sublingually. No more snorting. I want to do this right. I have to get to some meetings and get a sponsor. When I mentioned the therapist to my girlfriend she did a 180 on me. She told me that I don't need a therapist and that I should talk to her. But then added it's "your thing so do what you want to do". It seems that everything in this relationship is good but there are some issues regarding insecurity with her. I tested the waters with her today about alcoholism and me being an alcoholic. She thinks it's just a phase I went through and even thinks that I could probably drink "normal" again. I've tried a few times in the past to educate her about the addiction concept and that once an alcoholic/addict, always an alcoholic/addict. Have haven't drank in over 22 years but I just switched chemicals. A drug is a drug is a drug. I found opiates to be more pleasurable than alcohol and ran with that for a short time and got a habit very quickly. I was doing poppy pod tea. I thought I could handle it and wound up in withdrawals. When I realized what I had done to myself I sought help. My parents were very supportive. I got into a recovery program that worked well for me and was able to stay clean for a couple of years. I hate to face this but since I've gotten into this relationship I started abusing the Sub. There's a red flag waving here. Since we've gotten together I've moved to another state to live with my girlfriend. We've talked of marriage. We've made long term plans together. But I feel that if she can't come around and be supportive I can't stay with her. I'm of no use to anyone if I'm not clean. I have to look at what my triggers are. I know of a few off of the top of my head. But I really need to do some inflection and I'm afraid I may have to make a tough decision.

I'm scared to death of my girlfriends reaction when I tell her I'm on 8mg now. It WILL NOT be pretty! Again today she wanted assurance that I wouldn't go back. And again I lied. It's getting hard to live with myself. So I have to get this out soon before I bust. It's getting harder and harder to be intimate with her because I have this monster secret. This really sucks!! I've even thought of just packing up and leaving. But that would be super unfair to her. And I would just be avoiding. I really want to run! How I wish I was back where I was and things were how they were. But I'm here for some reason. And I'm hoping that maybe she will somehow understand. I'm thinking maybe I'll start see a therapist and then at some point bring her with me and tell her whats been going on then. I just don't know what to do. But I better do it soon or I may face relapsing or worse.

Again, Thanks to everyone for your support. You're all I have....

INH


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 10, 2011 8:35 am 
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They treated you in an ER when you jump off 1 mg?

This woulda revolutionised my using. No more hanging out. Sandwiches, box juice, morphine, coupla valium, a cute nurse or two...

*dreams*

No seriously. You'll be fine. Come clean. Relapse is more often than not a part of the recovery process. Addiction doctors understand this. They're not priests or court judges. You won't have to say hail mary's or get put on probation. Just as long as you understand that what you did was actually a relapse, and not a "more effective way to take my subutex" like someone else did on this forum a while back.

Couldn't be stuffed reading most replies. They were just too long :D


Last edited by tearj3rker on Thu Feb 10, 2011 8:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

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I am so glad to hear that your doctor listened to you and raised your dose. Obviously your doctor does care about your welfare and not all of them do.

I'm also glad you're starting to see that things with your girlfriend are at odds with what you need and what's the best for you. With opiate addiction it's life and death stuff. She sounds terribly defensive. She wants you to talk to HER instead of a THERAPIST??? That's just a bit weird, if you ask me. (No disrespect intended.) She appears to be ignorant not only about addiction but about therapy and what its purpose is. Like you said, it could very well be insecurity - but it's fueled by her lack of understanding about things that are important in your life. How can she be your therapist when she doesn't even understand addiction? Sorry for the rant, but I feel bad for you that she's making things more difficult for you. Yes, you made the decision to lie to her, but one also has to consider perhaps WHY you felt the need to do that and I think that goes back to her unreasonableness.

I hope you continue to do better on the increased dose of sub. And I truly hope that you and your girlfriend can come to an understanding and move forward in a healthier relationship.

_________________
-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 10, 2011 9:25 am 
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ineedhelp wrote:
I have to get to some meetings and get a sponsor. When I mentioned the therapist to my girlfriend she did a 180 on me. She told me that I don't need a therapist and that I should talk to her. But then added it's "your thing so do what you want to do". It seems that everything in this relationship is good but there are some issues regarding insecurity with her. I tested the waters with her today about alcoholism and me being an alcoholic. She thinks it's just a phase I went through and even thinks that I could probably drink "normal" again. I've tried a few times in the past to educate her about the addiction concept and that once an alcoholic/addict, always an alcoholic/addict. Have haven't drank in over 22 years but I just switched chemicals. A drug is a drug is a drug. I found opiates to be more pleasurable than alcohol and ran with that for a short time and got a habit very quickly. I was doing poppy pod tea. I thought I could handle it and wound up in withdrawals. When I realized what I had done to myself I sought help. My parents were very supportive. I got into a recovery program that worked well for me and was able to stay clean for a couple of years. I hate to face this but since I've gotten into this relationship I started abusing the Sub. There's a red flag waving here. Since we've gotten together I've moved to another state to live with my girlfriend. We've talked of marriage. We've made long term plans together. But I feel that if she can't come around and be supportive I can't stay with her. I'm of no use to anyone if I'm not clean. I have to look at what my triggers are. I know of a few off of the top of my head. But I really need to do some inflection and I'm afraid I may have to make a tough decision.

I'm scared to death of my girlfriends reaction when I tell her I'm on 8mg now. It WILL NOT be pretty! Again today she wanted assurance that I wouldn't go back. And again I lied. It's getting hard to live with myself. So I have to get this out soon before I bust. It's getting harder and harder to be intimate with her because I have this monster secret. This really sucks!! I've even thought of just packing up and leaving. But that would be super unfair to her. And I would just be avoiding. I really want to run! How I wish I was back where I was and things were how they were. But I'm here for some reason. And I'm hoping that maybe she will somehow understand. I'm thinking maybe I'll start see a therapist and then at some point bring her with me and tell her whats been going on then. I just don't know what to do. But I better do it soon or I may face relapsing or worse.

Again, Thanks to everyone for your support. You're all I have....

INH


NOOOO. Never live in fear of your partner.

Seriously, your girlfriend is not your doctor. You know yourself and what you need to tackle your addiction more than her.

There's a pervading theme to your posts - the feeling that you don't deserve to get your needs met. Have you looked at assertiveness skills? SMART recovery has some really good stuff about that. Perhaps you could encourage you & your girlfriend to visit the psychologist together for a couple of sessions?

That being said, also check your motives. Addiction wants to get us alone at all costs, where there's no-one to talk sense into us & save us from ourselves. Get advice from your friends - the ones that really care about you. They might say "don't be stupid. What are you thinking? She's been what's been keeping you from going 6ft under" or they might grimace and say "I dunno. This is really hard to say but . . . . "

I can't tell you how lucky I am to have a partner who understands where I'm at. She went through addiction & recovery herself a number of years ago and she knows it's a demon I have to fight ultimately on my own, but with her 100% support. When she notices I'm talking about drugs and old times & deals gone wrong more than usual, she'll tell me. If she thinks I'm headed towards relapse she'll suggest I slow down my reduction. I'm trying not to rub it in, far from it.

The point I'm trying to make is that there are women out there like this. And it's often worse for your recovery to have a partner who doesn't understand than no partner at all.

Step up :D When you're honest about the 8mgs, be assertive. Say it how it is, that she has to trust you that it's in the best interests of your recovery. Stay on top of the situation :) You can do it. Find your voice, farken :D


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