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PostPosted: Sat Feb 12, 2011 9:54 pm 
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I'm sitting in a hotel room. After a lot of thinking I felt I had to leave. When my girlfriend left for work this evening I just up and left home. I packed my clothes, my important documents and my laptop and and just bolted. She doesn't know that I'm gone as of yet. I left my girlfriend a note explaining everything. I told her that the last thing I waned to do was hurt her. This was a hard decision for me to make. I wrote about my relapse and that the doctor had prescribed me 8mg. I wrote about my lying and how much I hate myself for that. I could barely look her in the face the past few days. I explained that after our last blowout about Subutex left me with the impression that won't be getting any support from her. And that I need to be around people who understand and support me. I'm heading back to the place I came from to hopefully stay with my mom. I asked her to please try to understand that Subutex is not a luxury for me and that my sobriety has to come first. I asked that she please try to educate herself about addiction and the disease concept. I wrote that if she cannot be of support to me than we cannot be together. I went on further to say that I hope that we can work things out. But right now I can't go trough another blowout and nasty confrontation. I just can't handle that now.

I don't know what's going to happen. I'm hoping that she'll just ask me to come home and work things out. But I'm expecting her to tell me to stay away.

I called my mom when I got on the road and explained what I had just done. She told me to just take care of myself and we'll talk when I get there in the morning.

I feel like I'm in shock right now. I don't know what I'm going to do when I get that first text or call from my girlfriend. I feel numb... I can't believe what I've just done. I don't know whether to feel relieved, sad, or what... I just can't wait to get to my mother's and I feel safe. I feel SO alone right now. I'm just doing one prayer after another. This feels like the craziest thing I've ever done.... I just took a Klonopin to chill. I have a script for them for anxiety. I have other issues besides addiction. I also have problems with depression and anxiety disorder. The doctor I see for my addiction is also my psychiatrist. I'm prescribed 1mg 2x a day. But I rarely take it. I only use it when I really need it.

So for now it's just me and The Lord. I can't wait to get to my mothers... I should be able to be there by noon tomorrow....


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 Post subject: Good Decision!!
PostPosted: Sun Feb 13, 2011 4:23 am 
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Im sorry you feel so alone IneedHelp. But, I think you absolutely made the right decision in seperating yourself from a relationship which seems to give you very little support in you'r recovery.
Please take comfort in knowing that you can always find support here on the forum. Also, just remember.. you're alot stronger than you think you are. Just the fact that you are truly listening to yourself and even willing to take such drastic measures sais ALOT!!

I know firsthand how difficult and scary it can be to be alone. I've been co-dependant most of my life, especially in romantic relationships. Every time I faced losing a boyfriend, I'd try changing myself, make huge sacrifices, even lower my standards, just to avoid being ALONE. Im married to a wonderful man now, whom adores me. But, when my addiction began to threaten our marriage, and more importantly,(MY LIFE)... I made a promise to myself that I'd do WHATEVER I had to do to get/STAY clean. Since my husband is "anti-medication", I knew this meant risking our marriage if he ever found out about my using Suboxone to aid in my recovery. I was so desperate and determined to save my life though, that it was a risk I was willing to take.
You'r health is THE MOST IMPORTANT!! You can't be succesfull at work, in a relationship, or even be a productive member of society if you don't take care of YOU. Hopefully, some education about our disease may influence your girlfriend to be more understanding and supportive. But, if not, please remember we have a deadly disease in which we must fight daily. Anyone in your life whom isn't willing to join in the fight, isn't worth having around. UR DOING THE RIGHT THING. Good luck. Please keep us posted.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 13, 2011 10:10 am 
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I know this must have been so very difficult for you and I commend your strength and determination. You will get through this. It sounds like you have the support of your mother and that's terrific. I know you feel alone, but try to use this time for introspection. I used to be afraid to be alone too. After many years and much learning, I now appreciate and protect my time alone. You will grow into that as well. So try to make use of your time to yourself. Like Marie said - and I fully agree - you are stronger than you think. It took so much strength to put yourself first. That's truly hard to do for all of us - no matter how old we get to be. I'm very proud of you and you should be as well. Hang in there. I know we're just anonymous people on an online message board, but we ARE here for you. You're doing so well. Please do keep us posted.

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 13, 2011 6:48 pm 
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Well, I'm back home. I know what I did was extremely drastic. I really hurt my girlfriend by doing things the way I did. And now I have to make mends for that. This drama was avoidable. I should have just came clean with her face to face but I just couldn't. I took the easy way out at her cost. We've managed to work things out. She's agreed to try counseling with me. She still just doesn't get it though. As much as I try she just can not understand that I'm an addict. And that Subutex is a medication to help me stay clean, avoid cravings, withdrawal or even worse, relapse. Not to be mean but sometimes I wish that those that haven't been there could spend just 5 minutes in acute withdrawal to know what that feels like. 5 minutes feels like 5 hours!! And to know that it's not a bad thing to be an addict if you are in recovery and working a program. It's the whole stigma thing. Some people picture an addict as someone with a needle in their arm. Pill poppers like me should just be able to stop right?

Anyways, I'm grateful that she's taken me back after what I put her through last night. I feel SO terrible about that. She's just headed off to work after having had no sleep. I'm hoping my g/f can get out of work early. I asked her to call me if she feels the least bit tired when she has to drive later.

If there's a gift in this for me it's NEVER letting things snowball like this again! We've promised to be straight with each other no matter how bad things are. And hopefully when we get to a therapist I can have someone else besides myself explain this disease to her.

I'm in zombie mode right now. Running on caffeine and nicotine. The past two days have been awful! I'm totally numb. I would hit a meeting but I have no business being on the road right now. I'm spending the rest of the evening working on one of my hobbies. I really need to relax and get a good night's sleep. But I'm not going to be able to sleep until I know my girlfriend is home safe and sound.

Thank you all for your support!! I sincerely mean that!!

INH


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 14, 2011 7:53 am 
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If you feel this is what's best for you, then I support you fully. I will be honest though and say that I think it's a shame that after what happened she still doesn't understand. Did you ever check out the thread "What is Addiction"? There are some links to articles that explain addiction and even its effect on the brain. Maybe after reading that article you might find it will help her understand. I hope things work out for the both of you. Please keep us posted.

_________________
-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 9:42 am 
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ineedhelp wrote:
Well, I'm back home. I know what I did was extremely drastic. I really hurt my girlfriend by doing things the way I did. And now I have to make mends for that. This drama was avoidable. I should have just came clean with her face to face but I just couldn't. I took the easy way out at her cost.


Dude, I can relate to you and your headspace so much, only I have maybe 4 years recovery / stability on that and have, to a degree, climbed my way out of that hole.

All I can say is, put the whip away. Seriously. Put that whip away. While I agree that doing it face to face would be the ideal way to confront the situation and get your needs met, I also totally understand that facing your fears to that extent was probably a little out of reach for now. And don't worry, I've been there.

All I can suggest is that you and your partner need to make some adjustments. You need to find your voice, and she needs to listen & respect where you're at. It's almost as if the erosion of your self-esteem from years of addiction has left you feeling unworthy to a certain degree and unable to stand up for what you believe in.

I sat in a seedy motel room, alone, put up Emergency Housing, alongside battered wives & working girls, after I left a 12-step recovery house because they demanded I stop taking my mood stabilisers (lithium & epilim - hardly abuseable drugs). It is a lonely place. At the time I was going to NA, and the people in the meetings helped me a lot. Also, staying on top of basic self care - showering, shaving, taking my clothes to the laundromat - all helped me remember I was in recovery now rather than in addiction.

Congratulations on finding your way back home. Whatever you do, never say to yourself "I should have done this" or "I should have done that". Look at it from this point if view. Perhaps it was only by doing such a drastic maneuver that your partner, faced with your loss, could see the err of her ways. Sometimes there is method to our madness that even we can't comprehend. Don't lose this valuable breakthrough. Your relationship has changed for the better :)

Take care & good luck,

T.


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