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PostPosted: Tue Dec 06, 2011 1:03 pm 
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Hey all well it is only the 6th of Dec and I have 16 days until my appointment. I am scared out of my whits. I really do not understand why I continued to take more of my sub’s than I should have. When my BF has them and gives them to me one a day like I am supposed to take I am fine. I don’t stress or even think about it. But if it is in my position I can’t seem to keep control. Well I have already said all that before. Now I am totally out, I knew I would not be able to keep any of it until my appointment. I am so scared now of course of W/D. I don’t know if I should go to my BF and my Dr. and tell them what has happened. I know my BF will be disappointed in me but my biggest worries are that my Dr. would stop treating me. Should I just keep my mouth shut and suffer. I will definitely be giving them back to my BF to dole out to me as I have no control and it is like running into a train that has gone off its rails. I was not thinking oh, I want to get high... I’m going to take more. I know that I will not get high if I take more and that is not what was in my mind when I was doing it, So why do I do it. I JUST DON’T KNOW. I wish I did. And I know what some of you may be thinking. It is your own dam fault, and I already know this. Also you deserve what you get, and I would feel the same way if I were you. This medication has been a life saver for me. It has given me back my life. So why would I treat it this way. I don’t want to be this way. The other thing I worry about is relapse. I have not been going to many meetings and just one support group and I am not working. I have been on U.E. and staying home. I am just truly scared and don’t know what to do. And to top it all off it is Dec and we have so much planed. I am supposed to go out of town this weekend and go shopping and get our tree. I just hope I will be able to do all of these things. I picked a bad time to try control my own meds. I was not trying to abuse these and I don’t want anyone to think I was. I’m just so sad right now.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 06, 2011 1:29 pm 
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First, what's wrong with you is that your an addict and nobody here thinks your stupid or that you are getting what you deserve. Many of us have been in your position at one time.

I believe you should tell your boyfriend, especially since you are putting him in control of your meds. He needs to be aware of where your at in your recovery. Recovery isn't something that happens over night, it is a process and the goal is to improve during the process. For some of us, it happens faster than for others.

I understand your fear of going 10 days without your sub, you will go thru withdrawl and it will suck. That's not to say you can't do it, you can it just won't be easy.

As far as telling your Dr, my view is you should be able to. The key here is should, unfortunately not all sub drs really get the struggles involved in recovery and that these slips are common and can be used to learn from. Only you know your Dr, does he seem to get addiction and that for most people it involves some screw ups along the way? Or is one of the drs that seems to only see black and white and has told you any relapses and you will be dismissed. If your Dr does not allow you the opportunity to be honest then how can they help us?

I wish I could advise you on whether to tell him or not, but I can't because I don't know him/her. Unfortunately this is a decision you will have to make ob your own. Do not beat yourself up over this, instead try to take something positive away from it. I truly hope this all works out for you. Please keep us posted and feel free to vent your frustrations. Whatever you decide to do we are here to support you and help you in anyway we can. Don't fear judgement here, that's not what we're about.


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 Post subject: T.Y. Breezy_Ann
PostPosted: Tue Dec 06, 2011 1:59 pm 
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While I was waiting to hear from someone I did think about my Dr. and whether or not I could go to him or not. I am not sure as he is hard to read. He is quiet and talks low. He has asked me in the past when I go in if I had ran out or if I had relapsed. In which those times I had not ran out because I had been giving them to my BF to keep for me. I really cant tell, but I did take a chance and I called his office. He does not get to his office until Ten a.m. and it is now 9:54 a.m. my time. The reseptionist said she would talk to him when he got in. I told her what had happend and that I was very scared that he would stop treating me. She said she did not know what the contract was that I signed as she was in a diffrent area of the office. But she felt that if I was honest that I should be ok. She took my number and again said she would talk to him when he came in and that maybe she could have him call me and talk to me over the phone. Because I was asking if I could come into the office to talk to him and she said he was booked all day untill 7 tonight. So please if you pray... Pray for me. Thank you again for not thinking badly of me. And the reason I get worried about my BF is because he has been let down from me so much in the past that one of his things is that he goes right into.... oh well maybe we should cancle this and cancle that ect ect. and then I just feel like shit. because everything is cancled and it is all my fault once again. Thanks B.A. for your words of encuragment.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:16 pm 
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so now I am just waiting for my Dr. to call me back. Left a message with the front girl and she said he got the message and that he will have a break between 1 and 2 so I am hoping that he will call me at that time. I just pray that he will not be too hard on me and will be understanding. Knowing that I will be giving my RX back to my BF to control for me as I am not ready for that. I really do need more support than what I am getting now. The waiting is always the hard part. Now all I can do from here is be honest and hope for the best.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:21 pm 
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Please understand that you are not the first person to do that with their suboxone. So, so many people have come through this forum in the same boat. I think MOST people tried that in the beginning of their treatment, then they learn the hard way, by running out, and they didn't even get anything out of it.

Like Breezy said, we're addicts. And part of that is the stimulus-reward pathways that are in our brains. Our addict brains are literally different in us than in non-addicts. You get triggered by something (stimulus) and your active addiction brain is still into the old habits that haven't yet been extinguished so you still do the old behaviors and after that trigger/stimulus, you reward yourself by taking something - in this case, suboxone. This is the very reason that it's recommended for sub patients to dose only once daily, so we can get rid of that habit of taking something when the "need" to hits us. Eventually we'll learn to take it and forget about it.

Anyway, that's not the very best explanation. In fact it might be a pretty lousy one, but it's the best I've got right now. I hope it explains it a little bit and if anyone can help me to clarify what I'm saying a bit better - please jump in and assist.

So ease up on yourself, you'll get through this. Have you ever considered seeing an addiction counselor? The big book stores also have some really good addiction work books that help the reader to identify their own unique triggers and how to deal with them. Just a thought.

Good luck!

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:47 pm 
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I have not thought about the addiction counslor but it will definetly be someting I look into. I do see a counslor and she is so very kind and helpful. Another place I never thought of going to was A.A. I do have the Big Book and other related lit from them. I used to attend meetings there and N.A. I know that one of the two would be very down on the subs and so have not even thought of going there. But now that I have jumped in with both feet and called my Dr. I am extreamly scared as he is the only Dr. in this area that priscribes subs. well there is one other but he is not taking patients and I was lucky and got into see this Dr. He took me out of pitty pretty much. So if he kicked me off I would be horrified. I have yet to talk with my BF as he is at work. He did call home on his break though and he can always tell when there is something wrong so I don't think I will be able to keep it a seacret long. I was just hoping I would find out from the Dr. first if he would help me and not kick me off. Then I would at least be able to tell him I was still able to be treated. I don't see how my Dr. would not treat me this is my first offence, but I am just so scared. I will let everyone know what happens. Thanks.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 06, 2011 8:51 pm 
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Well I have done the hard part. I have had the talk with my BF. He said what I knew he would say, that he already knew. It has been tense in our house for the past wk because he had alread figured out that I had messed up and he was just waiting for me to tell him. So now I have and I am just waiting for the Dr. to call. It is now 4:46 p.m. and I really hope that he calls me today. The girl at the front desk said that he would be there seeing patients until like 6 tonight. I just hope he calls tonight.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 06, 2011 10:14 pm 
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Smithjm
After reading your post I'm tense for you. I'm really hoping you hear really soon. I beleive we've all been in your shoes takin more then we know we should have. Isn't it amazing how our partners know us so well. My hubby can look at me and know something is wrong. I guess it is a good thing,
I'm hoping it all works out for you,hang on there
Mel :wink:

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 06, 2011 10:41 pm 
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Thank you,
I am tense for me too. My Dr. has yet to call me back but he has a habit of that. He is a very busy Dr. but I do get the feeling that he knows I rely on him for my lively hood and now that I have messed up, well maybe he is going to make me suffer to learn a lesson. I don't know. I also don't know what to do next because I had already called again to find out that maybe he had not got my message and the girl assured me that he did. So I don't want to call again tomorrow and look like a fool for calling to much. I guess no call is not a bad thing. And yes my BF knows me all too well. He can see right through me and knew the min something went a stray. So I just hope and pray my Dr. will be understanding as all of you have been and help me get back on track and then I will be giving them back to my BF to take care of for me. I'm ok with that. At least I know I wont have all this stress. :cry: Thanks again everyone. I will be online to keep my mind off of my probs and also I will post any updates.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 1:21 am 
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I just caught this thread. Perhaps you are not on a high enough dose to keep your cravings away? I do not know how much you are on, but I thought it could be a valid point. Good luck. I hope you do not have to suffer. I mean nobody is perfect. There is a lesson to learn in the situation & I think you have. You have a great solution in the future and that is having your BF give you your dose. Keep us posted.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 2:25 pm 
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I just don't know what to make out of my Dr.
Called his office yesterday and the front office girl said she gave him the message, he never called. So I called this morning and the girl that answerd said he would not be in today and that tomorrow he had a full schedual and I could not come in. She said she would text him and give him the message and my number and if he calls he calls. But he is not there today, to busy tomorrow and gone of friday. I get the feeling I am getting snubed sometimes as this has happend before when I call with an issue. I am at the point that if I knew anyone that could get me some sub's I would get them and just wait for him to call or not. My next appt with him is on the 22nd. I know I messed up and I am very sorry for it. But I guess maybe he feels I need to suffer for it. I don't know. Or maybe I am reading Way to much into this cuz I am an addict and so a drama queen. lol. I need to force myself to get into the shower and do something productive or I am going to go nuts. Woke up feeling like crap and cant stop the yawning thing and sniffles, it is starting and I am more scared cuz the worst is yet to come.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 2:33 pm 
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Unfortunately, you've done all you can do at this point, I'd say, regarding your doctor. Try to do your best to stay busy. I know it sounds hard, but it will make you feel better and it will keep your mind off how you feel mentally. And staying active will make you feel better as well.

And please be careful about getting anything - if you have to obtain something, definitely obtain suboxone, rather than a full opiate agonist. (Not that you indicated you'd do that.)

One more thing - You can go to an emergency room and they are, by law, allowed to write you for 3 days worth of suboxone without having the sub waiver. Of course I don't know what you'd tell them about why you're out - that's up to you, but when someone's doctor up and closes or something like that, people can go to ER's and get 3 day's worth of sub. Just a thought that maybe that can help you.

Good luck and I hope your doctor calls really soon!

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 3:06 pm 
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Thank you,
I have been trying to stay busy and besides the worries of w/d I am worried that I will start with the cravings or ofcourse just wanting to not feel sick and go and get something. I did not know that about the hospital and I will defenatly keep that in my back pocket. I can hold out as long as I can and then use that at a last resort. That way I can maybe make it to my appointment or until he calls me. I will let everyone know what happens. Thanks.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 7:29 pm 
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Smithjm,

Geez woman, I feel for Ya......I really do. Im not gonna say that its ok that you ran out early, but don't beat yourself up. Like ALOT of us on the Sub, I've ran out early myself. Its such a horrible reminder of our active addiction days.....isn't it?!

You said-

"This medication has been a life saver for me. It has given me back my life. So why would I treat it this way. I don’t want to be this way".


Why?? Because we're addicts Smithjm. Its not an easy task.....changing/stopping those bad habits that've been so engrained in us.
How long have you been on the Sub? And, how long were you in active addiction? My point is, this healing process takes time.

Now, after you do finally get ahold of your doctor and get more sub......try your best to remember how this feels. Im not trying to seem harsh. But, taking more than prescribed just hurts us. In the future, if you're able to recall how "this" feels......you can look back on this as a learning lesson.

Another thing I wanted to bring up is your dosage. Its possible that you might benefit from an increase. How do you feel at your current dose? Did you take more than prescribed because you were having cravings? If so, I'd suggest talking to your doc about that. Every doctor is different, but honestly....your Sub doctor is there to help. If your current dosage isn't working for you, tell him.

The whole point of taking Sub is to keep you out of withdrawl, and to minimize or hopefully eliminate cravings. If your NOT acheiving those two goals.....whats the purpose of even taking it? Trust me, I know how scary it can be just thinking about having a heart to heart with your doctor. But, its been my experience that "we" as addicts build things up in our head and anticipate the worst outcome.

I know when I went through a similar experience, I was scared to death to talk to my doctor. But, I was honest about everything and it ended up working out fine. Actually, I think my doctor respected me more for not trying to make up some story. And, I know I felt closer to my doctor after that. It was so nice, to feel like he cared enough to listen and try to understand how I felt.

Smithjm, I truly hope this works out.
As others have stated.....stay busy, hot baths help, and if it just gets to be too much, go to the E.R.

Please keep us updated. I'll be thinking about you. Good Luck!!


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 Post subject: Check with Pharmacy
PostPosted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 7:44 pm 
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If you told them what happened..........you may just try to call your pharmacy and see if he called something in for you. Sometimes I have found that the Dr would soon just call something in then talk to you. I know there is is limited hope but call your pharmacy to see if he called in any sub for you. Good Luck. Jim


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 7:58 pm 
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If someone has to go to the E.D. for Suboxone they don't write you a Rx for 3 days worth of medication. What you have to do is go there everyday and they dispense the medication to you. This info. can be found through N.A.A.B.T website. Steve


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 8:35 pm 
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I want to thank everyone for all your words of encouragment. I did take a hot shower and I do feel better. I wil be taking benadryl tonight and because of my tolorance I have to take just a bit more than it say to get the benifits. I would take some over the counter pain med's but they don't work for me at all. It would be like eatting candy, lol. I did call the pharmacy and there was nothing there for me. I was hoping that he may have done what you sugjested. But I am thinking that he is wanting to make me suffer and well, teach me a lesson. I dont know but it sure has worked and I just wish he would call now so I can get back on track. I do not want to get weak and run right to my D.D. house with my hand out with a fist full of cash. just to stay out of pain. I know I can get through this. I have done it before I can do it again. I have been in bed literly for weeks with the craps, sweats, shakes and going out of my mind with my body feeling like my skin was crawling. That was from my DOC and so I am hoping this wont be so bad. tomorrow is a new day and I hope he will call then. He is suppose to be back in the office. THANK YOU EVERYONE. It means a lot to me that others out there do care.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 08, 2011 12:41 am 
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Just like every1 else said,,,,don't beat yourself up,,, it surely wont help anything at this point. And I, too am absolutely guilty of what you are.
I did it more than once also. But I have to tell ya, the last time I went 6 days without, until my appointment, and Ive never ran myself short since!! and really, the w/d were nothing compared to when I was on H, oxy and methadone. and yes all at once.
Anyway, it was kinda like a mild flu for me, I even worked every day. yes I was sore and grumpy but thats it. I was absolutely freaking shocked. and like I said, now I never run myself short, I think becuase before id run myself out but always found more to borow or buy or whatever to get by. the last time though, I was completely broke and nobody gave a fuck. my doc was outta town too. So yep 6 full days I went with no sub about 5 months into treatment.
So I feel for you, I really do.
and working construction, up and down ladders and stairs all day is no where easy to do without your subs let me tell ya.
but I am def stronger for it!!!
try to hang in there. I hope your doc helps you. if you havent gone thru this with him before,,,,he may. Mine helped me ONCE. but even then he said he wouldnt do it agian, and yes I ran myself short the very next month. thats the one I was telling you about, the 6 day dryspell....
GOOD LUCK
this page is for support. and I hope you feel better soon. were all in this together in a strange sorta way


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 08, 2011 1:54 am 
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You can't beat yourself up over this smithjm. Even if it was a complete relapse, whipping yourself is really counter-productive to your recovery. By whipping ourselves every time we stumble, we completely ignore the lesson to be learned.

That being said this is serious, and it needs to be addressed for the future. If I did what you did, I'd consider myself to have lapsed into addiction, for sure. It really needs to be watched too, because when Suboxone is abused, it can really undermine Suboxone's potential as an effective recovery tool. We can come to deny ourselves of an opportunity to get real recovery. As an analogy, consider a hammer. People who use it to build great structures see it as a useful tool. But the people that beat themselves over the head with it, only associate it with pain. I don't want you to be one of the ones who ditches Suboxone because it didn't work out.

So... don't beat yourself up with a hammer! And put that whip away. :lol: :wink:


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 08, 2011 11:12 pm 
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Well I do see it for what it is and I definitely do not want to ditch it just because I messed up. I know that I am the one who faltered not the medication. I do understand the concept of the program and how it is supposed to work if done properly. It is just what it is. I did what I did.

I did also not mention that I had truly lost a partial of my RX a few months ago and I had to call my Dr. about that. I also had a hard time getting ahold of him then also. When I did finally talk to him he said he would fill it on that account that one time. But this is a different situation and I did call and was honest. But it would be nice if he would at least talk to me and tell me what he is or is not going to do or not do for me. Is he going to make me wait or? I am human I do deserve at least a phone call at least. I am just so new to all of this I am not sure what he is going to do.


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