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PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2014 5:52 pm 
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Razor and Liz

Hope tht you guys are having a wonderful day :D

Welll we didn't get to make the trip... My bf's mom was in the hospital but was suppose to be going to an intpatient rehab on Monday. We were going to leave real early yesterday morning. but his mom coded (stop breathing) around 2am and they sent her to another Hospital, and she was on life support. All the family got together and took her off life support yesterday a little after lunch.

My bf is taking it pretty good, I probally took it harder than he did...

I was on my feet all day yesterday and did not have the Suboxone wih me, but I did't take any pain meds! :) and the bf had some, I thought about it for just a minute but thought to myself "I have come too far now, that would be stupid!"

the "Wake" is tuesay and the furnural is on Wed...

Razor
I was reading at your last post, so one dose a day is what you take? Since I take it x2 a day is to treat the addiction and for pain? I do know that if I go more than about 9 hours without a dose I do start to hurt and start going into mild withdraw..

Thanks
Tam


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2014 7:19 pm 
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Hey Tam
So sorry for your loss. Hope you and BF are doing OK. That was sudden it seems.??

So you pasted your first test huh?
Sub works in many ways. If you had taken a pill or two, the blocking effect would have kicked in anyway.
Sounds to me you are doing great.

It is widely known that to break our addictive behavior, we should be dosing once a day. Break the habit for reaching for something to feel better. I feel, unless you need it for pain relief, no more then one is best.
However, twice a day is very common, at least people that I know.
If pain returns others dose two, three, sometimes four times a day. But Never go over the daily dose your Dr has written for you in total..
Razor


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2014 10:17 pm 
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Razor,

Thank you for your kind thoughts... She was 85 and fell last week, she just couldn't get through this one.

I went to my first AA meeting last night since I was 19. I was a little nervious but everyone had a story for me and I soon opened up "a little bit". I am going to another one tomorrow night that is a AA "Big Book Study" and hopefully come out with a sponser.
I think I need a little more than Suboxone, just want to stay vigerous right now and need the support, living with an addict is not easy.
I read a book today that a co-worker gave to me to take home and read, its called "QAA" by Dr. Howard Westman. He talks alot about how addiction works and why we "addicst" have an actual diease that is sometimes genetic, sometimes from depression and a number of other things, it made alot of since. He spoke very highly of Suboxone and treat with it as well.
If you you get a chance, please read some of his stuff, I think some of it is online too :D
He has a great understading of addiction and looks at the scientific part of it, not the politics. :D

Tomorrow I am going to try and just take the 1 suboxone in the morning and if I am in some actual real pain take it at night. I took 1 strip this morning around 4:30am and 1/2 around 4:00pm this evening. I am feeling pretty good right now, so I am not going to take the other 1/2 tonight and see how I do. :) .
I think I have realized that my chronic pain will always be there and I can't just completely make it go away. But I definiatly do not hurt like I could be hurting right now, the Sub is actually a decent pain reliever too. I just gotta deal with some of the pain by doing something that takes my mind off it.

I have locked my suboxone up in my safe just incase the bf trys to get into them, I hate to think he would do that, but he has stole my meds before.

I have plans on leaving very, very soon and know that I have to if I want to stay in recovery. I hate that his mom just passed away and hate to leave him alone... But I gotta do something.

Please wish me luck onver the next couple of weeks...

I don't think I will go live with my friend either, I am begining to think he does want more than to support me and be my friend at the time. I really need just some good people around me right now that is not pushing me or rushing me into another relationship or stressing me out about something that I am not ready for.

I hope that everyone is having a wonderful evening.

Any thoughts are greatly appreciated...

Thanks,
Tam


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2014 10:37 pm 
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I think it's great that you're really soaking up as much recovery as you possibly can right now, that's great! As far as your boyfriend is concerned, I understand not wanting to leave him alone right now, but if you don't, and he continues to use, there will always be some reason for you to stay. He's just going to have to want to get well for himself, unfortunately.
Perhaps after seeing how well you're doing, he will want the same for himself. He just has to get really sick and tired of the life of chasing the high and staving off wd symptoms, the miserable cycle of addiction:( he can't do it for you or anyone else, only for himself. At least you were able to free yourself from that life. I'm glad to hear you're feeling so good too! :)

I think it's wise that you're not going to move in with your other guy friend right now either. I'm just afraid his help will come with a price tag that you're not ready to pay, kwim? Especially if you don't feel the same way for him as he seems to feel for you. I've been in that situation before, and in my experience, it just didn't end well. No worries, you'll find your way! You're off to a great start. Continue to Keep us posted! Stories like yours where a person discovers that they can have a different life are awesome to read, and they help give others who are thinking about changing, the courage to try.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 14, 2014 10:02 pm 
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Liz and Razor

I just got back from a "Big Book" study a AA with the womens group, it was nice but may go to a different one until I find someone that i feel comfortable with being my sponcer.

Yes Liz, I haven't been more serious about anything in my life than I am right now with my recovery.

And guys I have realize that I have just gotta let the bf go, tonight after I got home he was so messed up that he couldn't even stand up. I can't help him until he hits rock bottom like ya'll been telling me.

Oh, so guss what? I cut down my dose today from 2 films to 1-1/2 and really believe after a week or so I can go to one fime a day :D
But I don't want to get ahead of myself so will take it day by day still.

I am feeling better and better each day. I had someone tell me today that I looked different and sounded different but in a positive way. I just told that person I have made some positive changes in my life lately and more is to come :D

Just wanted to drop in and say hey, and give an update...

I am still gonna use ya"ll as a crutch for a little bit or as long as you will have me :D :D :D

Have a wonderful evening!

Tam


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 14, 2014 10:28 pm 
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Tam,..ya sound good. Your off to great beginning.
So glad for you.
Much has changed in such a short period of time. I think it is good that your hitting meetings.
I was told to take sometime to pick a sponsor. To look for a good fit in a home group.
Then draw a sponsor from there. But hey, there's lots of ways to do this.

No you really can't lead the BF to recovery, only show him how you are doing, then maybe.
Thing is, this man is and has had some losses just in the past week. Mom, right?, and you too.
He is in a lot pain right now. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for him. I hope he can see a better way for himself someday soon.
It's a lonely place he is in. Sorry, don't want to get long-winded about something I don't really know about. I know that pain and fear though.. Hmm..

Tam, I think it is important to find the right dose, to stabilize on that dose.
Just make sure you tell your Dr where your dose is at the next app.

And as always to keep those cravings away. Keep posting and checkin in too.

Your doing great...

Razor... .


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 14, 2014 10:35 pm 
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Hey, stick around for as long as you like! Happy to hear you're doing so well and really working on your recovery! Sorry to hear about your BF, I know that's hard, but seems like you know what to do. As far as AA, ya just keep looking for a group you're comfortable with, it can make a big difference. Glad you're able to use the least effective dose, but like you said, don't rush things just because you're feeling better now. Concentrate on enjoying your life and getting things back together while you're feeling better. Nothing wrong with lowering your dose some, so you can build a bit of a stockpile in case of emergency, like if for some reason you can't make an appointment, or your dr cancels, or goes on vacation. .. who knows what could happen? But it's always a good idea to have extra on hand should the unexpected come up. Make sure that the amount you are taking is sufficient to stop your cravings, and eliminate any symptoms of withdrawal, and you should be fine. In the mean time enjoy living life without the monkey of active addiction on your back:)


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2014 2:41 pm 
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Hey Tam, sorry to jump in here, I was just reading your thread and thought I'd comment on how amazing you are doing! I would really consider getting away from the bf while he's still using. There might be days where you feel a "test" to your staying clean, and you don't want anything to be in reach!! Plus watching him get high will get old really quick, and you will notice it even more now that you're not using. Anyway, just my two cents, you are doing an awesome job, I know too well how hard it can be in the beginning. I had a lot of days that I'd let myself be consumed by regret, so try to go easy on yourself and remember you are changing for the better!! Good luck with your recovery, and I'm around if you ever need someone else to talk to. :)

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2014 11:28 pm 
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Razor, Liz and Emmy

Thank you guys so muck for the support :D Today was a hard day emotionally but we got through it. the BF is actully taking things pretty weel, a lot better than I thought. I did have to ask him to slow down on thedrinking and popping pills today while he was with all his family. His sister got a little upset with him because to was getting that glassy wild eye look so I made up a story and told him I was very tired and not feeling well ans asked if you could go home. He started a couple of family arguments and I just knew today was not the time and place, so we left early. He has been sleeping all afternoon because he really didn't get a chance to sleep the one off from last night.
Las night in the AA meeting the girls there were telling me the samething and a lot of them has gone through what I am going through right now.
So with you guys supporting me and the new friend I have made along the way are really helping.

I was talking to on of bf nefews today that used to sell to me about the suboxone and he himself is thinking about it. He said that he has seen a lot of people get on suboxone just to get through the withdraws until they score again, or get on subs because there drug habbit is much more exspensive than getting on suboxone.
I asked him not to do this for those reasons because people exspect for suboxone to replace that high from the drugs, and then people will take waymore than they should be. I told him this is were people get in trouble with subs, its not a drug for a drug at least for me. I did it because I wanted to get into recovery and get my life back, not get high or overtake something that is not going to give you that superman high.
Definition of "Insanity": Doing the samething over and over again and especting a differnt outcome."
Subox in a mericle drug for those whow are truely ready to get their life back, not a crutch. If you follow the program your doctor suggest and don't over take them, Suboxone does work for those who really have a goal for a productive life and a productive life. For me I made a choice and was dead set on geting clean.

Anyway I am rambling righ now, I have a plan that I am about to put in motion to change my enviroment. I will try to come here almost everyday and update.

Good night all :D :D :D Oh, and Emmy thank you for chiming in, please com post as offen as you want :D for me "The more the merrier!"

xoxoxo
Tam


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2014 12:00 am 
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Hi tam! You don't know me, my name is jackie. I'm a 27 year old mother of 5 who's been in recovery- thanks to suboxone- for 15 months. My drug of choice was percocet. My boyfriend- and father of my children- was also an addict who didn't want to recover with me. He ended up changing his mind after just 1 week of seeing how well i was doing on subs and he's been on them- and off the pain killers for 14 months. I've been following your story. You should a very proud of yourself! I was so happy when i read your post after you went to the dr. Although i must admit that i'm beginning to worry that i haven't seen you post in a few days. I know you have a life- and i'm not being nosey lol. I just want to see how you're doing now. It's nice to not wake up feeling like you gotta take a pain killer just to get out of bed huh? I hope all is well and please post an update when you get a chance! Your story has thus far been inspiring! I wish you all the best- you deserve it!


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2014 8:59 pm 
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Hey guys!
oh, and thank you Jackie :D :D

It has been a very busy week, I am about to start working 7-12's with only one day off every 13 days. My pup knoked my laptop off my end table the other night and broke the entire charger prong off inside the laptop! I was soooo upset, but thank God there is a guy in my AA gruop that fixes laptops and I am taking it to him this weekend to be fixed.

Right now I have been using the bf's PC and that's far and in between due to he is on it a lot.
Is there an app for this dite I could download onto my phone?

But I have been thinking about ya'll alot and thought I better get on here and give an update before eveyone thinks I disapeared lol.

Anyway I am doing really well, I have even almost cut my sub dose in half and now know what everyone has been talking about "less is more" for some reason. I feel much better if I take 4mg at 4: -4:30AM and then the other 4mg around 4 in the afternoon. I am actually a cuple of strips ahead of what I should have on 30th when I go back.

The bf and I are not doing well at all, I hate to say that he still has no desire to quit and has been lieing to me. I told him I was moving out in a couple of days ago, this was on Saturday. He cried and told me that would stop and would not take anymore... Well as the last few days have gone by I thought it was kinda strange that he is not having withdraws.

Well this afternoon, I could see that he was high. Me being me, I asked him when was the last time he took any pain meds and he told me he had not had anything since Saturday. Of cource I knew this was a lie... So I said, "You know that I do DOT drug testing for my employees", and asked him if he would be willing to prove it to me and let me drug test him. Well that didn't go over very well at all! He flew into a rage and told me that I was an untrusting crazy bitch and he wasn't gonna prove shit! So that is that...

Jackie I am really proud that you took the leap too, percocet was the best drug I ever took but the worse drug I ever took too, I felt like I would never pull myself away from it's grip on me.
I am also so happy for your bf too! It takes a lot of love for you both to wanna get clean together :D :D

Mine and my bf's relationship has been in trouble a long time and I even told him a few moths ago that the pain meds would be the end of us because it has only added to the problems we already have. But I have made up my mind that I am just gonna go on. I have not trusted him in a very long time... He has stole from me, lied to me and everyone around him.

I sat and listen to him tell his sister the other day that he wanted all his dead mothers pain meds and xanax, then looked her straight in the eye and told her he got script from the doctor for the meds. What made my the most upset, that was the first thing out of his mouth when they started talking about who was going to get what from the house his mother lived in all her life and the house he grew up in.
Anyway I guess I am venting now lol, but it really makes my day to log on here and see that someone has posted to see how I am doing. I love all you guys so much and would not have been where I am today without you guys...
Razor I am kinda like you right now, been counding the days, hours and mintutes that I have been clean. 12 days, 8 hours and about 23 minutes since I took my last percocet :D :D

Lots of love everyone!
Tam


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2014 10:20 pm 
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Hey Tam, glad to hear your subs are working well for you. Seems that you have found a good dose too. so,yes there is an app for this forum. Search it in the playstore . type in AddictionRemission. uese the caps and the two words togather. I use it more than the whole site most of the time.well untill lately. I had been wondering how you are. Sorry the bf isnt coming aloug too. No telling when he will be ready. You just have to do whats best for you Tam. Full stream ahead for you. Working alot is a great thing to do to keep you busy. Plus saving money . lol..keep posting. This post is alittle short,bn a crazy day for me razor


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2014 7:12 pm 
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Razor,

Do you ever find that you are depressed? I been having a few bouts of it here lately. I stopped taking my expensive Viibryd because I think the Suboxone has been taking care of a lot of my depression.

I have wonderful days most of the time, but sometimes I get really depressed too. I think its mainly because I am sad for somone else, not for myself.

Like I said Razor, your were my first (posting lol) and I read every word you said at least 5 times over and over. I care about everyone on here especially the ones that I have had contact with almost everyday... Everyone that has posted here has been my inspiration and I still believe that I would not be where I am this minute if it was not for all of yall.

I think about your "Basket" story you told me a lot, and now I have a basket too, and you are in my basket along with all the others that support me.

You said something about not using your phone here lately, hope everything is ok...

oh, and thank you so much for the app information, I will download it tonight :D :D :D



I know all to well about those crazy days, but hope your day gets better :D :D

Tam


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2014 8:32 pm 
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About the depression issue you're talking about, I found that every year around this time October especially I get in a depressed kind of funk. It really bothered me this year, but not for as long as it usually keeps me down. I think because I'm dealing with things now without being numbed out of my mind on drugs, it hit a little harder, but wuth my newcoping skills acquired in my recovery it faded away faster. Also, in October many traumatic events have happened in my life, so when those dates roll around I tend ti get very emotional. Someone else also suggested that my depression could be a form of seasonal affective disorder, which is when a person gets depressed when the weather changes to cold, dark, dreary winter from sunny, warm summer. Less sun equals lower mod basically. I think everyone goes through a bit of this to some extent. What I've found helps me alot is keeping my mind and body busy, reading, exercising, even posting here helps to lift my mood when I feel it slipping into a saddened state. I gore you get to feeling better soon tam, and talk to your doctor about it as well.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2014 9:24 pm 
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Well thanks Tam, my day was killer today. Busy at work,lots of rest lastnite gave me alot of zip . good people came in the shop today so it also made it fun. Depression, the blues,or worring about someone else it comes in all forms. the fact is you are now off your doc witch gave you an up.. and an escape. time for the real world huh? It will will get better as you do more work in your recovery Tam. Your hitting some meetings now, making any recovery firends there yet? I hope so. Having others in recovery is important and they can show you how to get the most out of step work and finding those powers greater than yourself" that you need. The basket is a good way of thinking of this. it amazes me how simple it is. our Sub group met lastnite and it is full of newcomers,people upstairs from the DDU an home group members from the hospital. I alway begin up the Basket to them each week. Seems to work for some of them. Tam i think if you are having stroug depression that a talk to your Dr is a good idea. Remenber your just getting started still and changes are going on everywhere in your life and mind. like liz said maybe the weather? the GLUM. Its gloomy here in the mid atlantic. I think you said your near Texas. Hope your getting sunshine down there. lol.. You ask if i get depressed. Well lately,no. Life swings back and forth. Its just how it is . Life on lifes terms as they say. Sometimes it isnt easy. As you know,you have been dealing with a death and alot of work hours. Keep an eye on your depression an if it gos on do speak to your Dr. glad you have faith in all of us here and keep posting tam.......... razor...


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 22, 2014 9:25 pm 
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Hey guys,

Just wanted to thank yall for the posts, I do believe that my depression has resulted from this time of year and yes work has been crazy here lately.

But today i am actully feeling better today :D

My bf and I just had a pretty lenghty talk, a little heated but we are gonna seperate this weekend. I just can handle the tention, the glum every evening when I walk in and the enviroment. I actually feel like I have had 100lbs lifted from my shoulders. I am sad but releaved all at the same time, it's finially out there in the open no more just not talking about it and going no where.

I told him that I did not want any hard feeling or fight about any material things. I just want what is mine and he knows is mine and I am outta here. He wants my diamond ring back but I have no problems with that and just want this to end peaceful.

You guys have seen me through this whole thing with him, maybe in the next couple of weeks you guys will start hearing how much better feel about my envirment and new start.

hope everyone is feeling good this evening :D

Oh, I found a sponsor, she has been in recovery for over 10 years and I thnk she is a perfect fit for me! :D :D

You guys will prob hear more about her in the near future :D :D

Have a wonderful night guys xoxoxo

Tam


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 25, 2014 2:54 am 
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Good for you, Tam! You did a wonderful thing for yourself by recognizing that you deserve better than what your BF has to give. I hope you're very proud of yourself!

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 25, 2014 1:13 pm 
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Thank you Amy :D
I am very proud, I knew I had to do it soon and decided that the other day it was going to be now or never. :|

All,

I am doing very well today, I have been away from the BF for two days now and he has not bothered me. I was so afraid he would be freaking out but he has not "yet".

Liz,
I did go and stay with my friend that I had talked about earlier, but there is a clear understanding that we are friends and that is it. He has been very respectful, and has not even mentioned anything about relationship and has been great as far as someone to talk to. He also knows that this is temp and I will be moving on soon. I had to get out of that environment and quick before I lost my mind..

I did think about getting my own place, and told my friend that I was going to stay in a Extended Stay for a couple of week until I found something. He was very concerned about me being by myself the first few days, or at least until I have a good idea of how the BF is going to react once he realizes that this is the real deal, am I am really gone...
Yes I am sad for him and I hope that he finds the light, but I know that I cannot grab him by the hand and lead him there...

So today I am going to go have lunch with my daughter, do some shopping and maybe even go to a movie.

Tomorrow is the big day... I am going to get my 60" TV, washer and dryer, and give the wedding ring back, so I will make sure I have a couple of people with me to help load and for just in case.

I hope that everyone is doing great today, it is beautiful here today and my mood is so much better, not depressed like I have been for the last few days off and on.

Love you guys soooo much!

Tam


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 25, 2014 3:35 pm 
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Thank you for the updates tam, it sounds like you're doing what you need to do to get your life in order. I'm glad you set healthy boundaries with your friend, and that he's respecting them. Keep up the good work! :) hope you have a nice lunch with your daughter.

Liz


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 25, 2014 4:16 pm 
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You're very smart to have people to back you up when you go to get your stuff. If he is confrontational at all during the removal, stop and call the local sheriff or police department. Make sure that there are no physical altercations that could cause you trouble or even further contact (in court).

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Amy

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