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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 5:05 am 
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oooh, sorry John, I hope you didn't split your dose because of what I mentioned.

You know whats best for you. Sounds like you have a good plan for now and it's working.
Sounds like you had a great day with the kids yesterday. 65F, what I wouldn't give for a few days of that. It must have felt great to get outside and enjoy yourself. Being cooped up in the house is a real bummer. Too cold out where I'm at.

Sounds like you have a lot of energy back. I'm really happy for you.

Take care my friend, Gary


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 15, 2014 3:16 am 
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Would love to hear an update as youve had a very detailed story thus.

§Ara


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 15, 2014 9:03 am 
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You're right Duckey!, it is past time for an update...

Day 18: Current dosing is at 8MG per day, but thinking of moving back up to 12MG per day. It's been awhile since my last post as I was on vacation.

The trip went very well. The weather cooperated the whole time and we had a great time visiting with family and I also had some friends that came down from Toronto to spend the week with us. We stayed in a nice log cabin on the side of a mountain. And when I say on "the side" I mean it! The driveway to the cabin was so steep that if I stopped in the middle of it I would end up spinning tires and had to back down and try again with a running start... and it was paved! But it was BEAUTIFUL!

The reason for me dropping to 8MG per day was not by choice really, but more because I couldn't find time during the afternoon for my second dose. By the time I would get back to the cabin and have some time to dose it was too late and I didn't want to be up all night. I felt fine physically, but I have noticed that now that I'm back home and still at a lower dose, my cravings are markedly increased. I find myself obsessing about my old ways. Today I will try to go back to 12MG to see if I can knock those feelings away.

My friend from Canada was passing a kidney stone while on the trip, and because such he came down with plenty of pain killers. He doesn't have a problem with them as I do (That I know of) and he has no idea of my issues. While we were drinking a few nights, he offered me some of his morphine. I TURNED IT DOWN WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT. I was really proud of myself as during any other time in my life I would have happily accepted and just used the excuse that "I was on vacation and I could begin my recovery anew when I returned home" but I told myself that that was my ADDICT brain trying to talk me into it. I also remembered that the only control I have over opiates is the control NOT TO USE. It was a small victory, but a victory none-the-less.

Even though technically while on the trip I had cut my dosage by 33% (from 12MG to 8MG and again not by choice really) I didn't experience any physical WDs. I had plenty of drive and energy and my mood was fine. Again, I plan to go back to 12MG as now that I am home and "comfortable" and back into a normal routine, I do find that my thoughts are trending towards using again. It's still controllable at this point but I am not ready to play any games with my recovery.

I didn't get to go skiing as the weather was a tad warm and with all the kids and family, it just seemed a bit selfish to ask to go off alone (as no one else wanted to do anything dealing with winter weather, I am sure we are all sick of it by now). I did however get to ride the Great Smokey Mountain Alpine Coaster which was a blast. If you guys ever get a chance to ride an alpine coaster I highly suggest it.

It's great to be back to the forums as I have missed conversing with you guys! I have much reading to catch up on.

John

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" Each relapse starts with one thought— maybe, just maybe, this time will be different… that little thought has killed thousands and thousands of opiate addicts over the years."
- Dr Jeffery Junig (Subox Doc)


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 15, 2014 3:49 pm 
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Great job resisting the morphine temptation, John!! That takes a lot of thought and willpower, especially when you were on a dose of sub that was lower than normal!

I'm glad you had a relaxing vacation!

Amy

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 15, 2014 4:38 pm 
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I agree with Amy, great job staying away from morphine that was put right on your lap. See, you have the willpower and strength to get your life back together. That was a pretty big temptation. I'm proud of you.

Sounds like a great vacation. Nothing like getting away and having friends and family with you. The log cabin sounds beautiful. I can almost picture it, well at least the snow. :)

Good to have you back,

Gary


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 24, 2014 6:35 pm 
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Well, tomorrow will mark my 1 month on Subs. I would have to say that overall I am ecstatic on where I am at, but I have been feeling a bit down. I don;t think it's from any WDs or sub side effect, I think it has more to do with I am realizing how much time I have wasted, money I have wasted, opportunities missed, relationships ruined, etc... And How much work I have to go. I am just trying to process it and move forward, but I do find that I do find that I kick my self for it a lot. I also find that I have NO late day energy. I am zonked by 9pm. Ready to go at 600am, tho... maybe my body is just normalizing, but I was always a late riser and late to bed.

Other than that I would say all seems to be well. I made it past the 17th (this was normally "script" day) without a relapse, which is the first time in over a year (small victory). I won't say I didn't think about it, as I did several times, but I was able to see it for what it was and resist.

Well, that's it for the update, except that tomorrow in my appointment, I think I will meet or at least schedule my first meeting with a councilor. I am starting to look forward to be able to speak with someone and I hope they are pretty knowledgeable.

I'll report back as to how everything goes.


Reprieve

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" Each relapse starts with one thought— maybe, just maybe, this time will be different… that little thought has killed thousands and thousands of opiate addicts over the years."
- Dr Jeffery Junig (Subox Doc)


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 24, 2014 8:24 pm 
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Hey John,


First of all, GOOD JOB making it past script day without a relapse! I'm sure you feel great about that! I'm not sure of exactly when, but I had the same wanting to kick myself feeling a month or so I think, into my sub treatment.
after things started to normalize in my life and I no longer spent my days and nights chasing pills,I had time to think about all the time I'd wasted in active addiction and to feel the intense guilt when I looked at my kids for not having been there for them as I should've been. That's time wasted, I've come to find.
Some members on here reminded me how far I've come, and told me that we can no longer live on the past. Things we've done and regret cannot be undone. All we can do is ask our loved ones that wehave hurt to forgive us and show them through our actions that we have changed, and look forward to a brighter future. I think it's a good idea that you are going to be to starting your counseling because I found it very helpful to talk to my counsellor/ psychiatrist about those issues. Right now, I'll give you the same advice Dr.J gave me and that's to enjoy your new life, pursue hobbies, work, time with kids/ family etc... clean enough! Try not to dwell on your past mistakes, just leave them in the past. Someone else recommended finding a meeting to start going to where you can talk to other addicts face to face, who've been where you are right now. My only advice about meetings,based on the ones I've been to is to keep your medications private, and just get what you can out of the meetings.

I'm sure your children and family see and appreciate the changes in you and are very proud of new dad /New John! Way to go! You're truly doing what is best for them and for yourself by treating your addiction to remission with medication! so give yourself a break, you're doing great!


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 25, 2014 12:32 pm 
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Thank you Lizzie, and you're very right. It's just easier said than done. I know that I can only fix things by moving forward, but it's hard to think about all the time I wasted... I have also been thinking about my father a lot lately and how I missed the time I had with him or that if I would have been sober I may have been able to help him in his recovery. I do know that i am not the reason he took his own life, but can't help to think that had I been more in control of my life I could have been a bigger help in helping him control his. These things are just some of the things that I will have to work through. Another reason I am so glad about getting to see a councilor.

I did get some really good news today: My insurance has agreed to start paying for my recovery and prescriptions and they made it retro active so that I can turn in my receipts and they will reimburse me, so that makes it a whole lot less to worry about.

Talk at you guys soon,

Reprieve

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" Each relapse starts with one thought— maybe, just maybe, this time will be different… that little thought has killed thousands and thousands of opiate addicts over the years."
- Dr Jeffery Junig (Subox Doc)


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2016 12:25 pm 
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A LONG overdue update (Only 2 1/2 years later):

I have been absent from the forums for quite sometime, but I felt it was time to come back and post an update as these forums gave me so much courage and inspiration during the beginning of my journey that I felt I owed it the next person to try and be their inspiration in their journey.

I had to take a break for the forums because during the beginning of my recovery, when my brain was adjusting to my new lifestyle, reading the forums and constantly thinking about opiates was just too much for me... I would constantly think about them and I just had to "get away" from it all to try and focus on my own recovery.... Don't get me wrong, these forums were a tremendous help in the very beginning, but then they started becoming a burden as the forums actually started to get me craving again...

Let's see, where to begin? First off I'll start with a disclaimer that my journey was just that, My Journey and i won't recommend the same path for anyone else as we are all different and I am sure that my way was NOT THE BEST way, only that it seemed to work for me.

When I last posted, I was seeing a Sub doc once a month and was being prescribed 24 MG per day, although I was only taking 8MG per day because my Doc and I weren't seeing eye to eye. This caused me to resent my Doc and feel that she wasn't putting my interests first and only making sure she had someone to fill an open appointment slot. Anyway, I continued to see her, stocking up the extra subs. Once I had MANY months extra subs, I spoke with my wife and I decided to stop seeing the doc and I was going to taper myself according to what MY body was telling me. I caution against this, but My wife is a registered nurse and as noted in previous posts, my addition had opened up a line of communication between us that had not been there before.

Over the next few months and years, I would continue to cut my doses in half (8MG, 4MG, 2MG, 1 MG etc). I know that always cutting by half can be a bit tricky and i DID experience slight WDs on the third day of every dosage cut. The chills, the runny nose, and the worst part the mild depression. But these usually cleared up in a day or two so I would press on, remembering the true pain of the few times I experienced precipitated WDs. Remembering that pain, the mild symptoms were pale in comparison and using a few items from Thomas' recipe (google search the term to find out what I am talking about) I was easily able to still function well enough to make it to work and back home where I could just "BE"... Again, even that passed rather quickly. I would continue on the new dose for roughly a month or two to stabilize, then proceed to cut again always giving myself PLENTY of time to normalize and adapt to any new sensations of going lower.

During my recovery, I worked hard to distance myself from my triggers ("friends" with whom I used with) as well as started working on dealing with the anxiety that comes not knowing how to cope with "Life on Life's Terms" without turning to a chemical. During this time it also became clear to me how much damage my drug use had done to my relationship with my family. Opiates had made me quick to become angry and quick to yell which really affected all my relationships. I had also become a hermit, choosing to stay at home and get high rather than socialize.

Slowly, over the last two years I have started to rebuild those relationships and I can't tell you how good that alone makes me feel.

It's not always easy, and over the last two years there has been a few occasions to slip up, but having some time under my belt of NOT BEING HIGH, I could always turn down those offers because I knew I could make it without it and I kept the perspective of where I had been, knowing full well I didn't want to go back.

I am now reaching the end of my journey. I am down to my last 8MG strip (almost two years after last seeing my doc) and I have been cutting them into, get this, 256 pieces (.03125 MG)!!! I have noticed that I am forgetting to take a dose without any adverse affects, so my next step will be to skip days. I am still a little apprehensive about jumping, even at such a low dose, so I continue taking them. I am sure that on such a low dose, my symptoms would be mild, but I don't want to risk any relapse no matter how small of the chance. According to some web sites, 0.03125 MG of sub should be roughly equal to me taking 1.25 MG of hydrocodone a day, and I fell that it may still be a little high for me, but on the other hand I am almost certain that I cannot cut an 8MG strip into 512 pieces... the pieces are already almost too small to manage. But mentally it makes me feel great that I have made it to such a low dose. Now I will begin the "skip a day, then two method" and finally I will be done with subs..

I know my recovery will be life long, but I can't tell you how great it feels to be where I am at today as compared to where I was at then...
I can feel feelings now, I can be around people, I am not sick all time, and I don't have that PRESSURE an addicts feels to always have your DOC on hand or that feeling you get when running low... I have money now and I can have actual relationships with those most important to me.

I am pretty sure this post is all over the place as I have so much I wanted to share and it has been so long since I was here, so I apologize for any inconsistencies. I hope to maintain a presence here to try and help the next man/woman through to the other side.

Good luck to all those whom are starting their journey. As said by Captain Planet: : "The power is YOURS" (I know, I know, a little corny)

John

PS. If anyone has any questions, please PM me... In my excitement of coming back, I probably have glossed over a few things. Plus I am at work and keep getting distracted from phone calls (this is why the post seems all scatter-brained)

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" Each relapse starts with one thought— maybe, just maybe, this time will be different… that little thought has killed thousands and thousands of opiate addicts over the years."
- Dr Jeffery Junig (Subox Doc)


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2016 12:28 pm 
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Wow John, I love your story. I joined the forum less than a month ago. I love it. Welcome back and please post some comments about some of the things you did in your first year to get started in recovery. I've been on Suboxone for a little over 6 months but I'm ready to do some work on myself. Can you recommend anything? Thanks for coming back after so long and telling your story. I am sure it will help many people. Please stick around this time if you can. Angie


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2016 2:08 pm 
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@Bamagurl22

Thank you for your kind words... To be completely honest, (and I am sure you could tell just be reading my post) that after many years of abusing my body, my brain can be a little scatterbrained and I jump around quickly from idea to idea. With that said, I would be super glad to answer any direct questions you may have, but I think I may start to ramble or become incoherent should I just start writing an open-ended post.

I am also glad to share any part of my story/struggle, but I would also have to reiterate that my path was my own and it was a very tough road... My biggest flaw was that I did it without any counseling.... I think it worked for me because I had already hit rock bottom and I was so sick of failing that it was it's own motivation.

The best advice I can give (right now, but please ask away as I am sure I could go one forever) is that you shouldn't try too much, too fast.... There are many factors involved in your recovery, the least of which are physical withdrawals... The first thing you must get straight is your triggers... What they are and how you are going to work on avoiding them.... after that, it gets easy (or easier, this is still going to be work, but well worth it)

Next is don't be in a rush to be off Suboxone... No matter what you read, no matter what you hear, being on them is much better than the alternative of active addiction.

Again, i could ramble forever, so if you have any specific questions, please feel free to ask away...

By the way, since I last posted I made the move to jump from suboxone (@ .03125 MG or 1/256th of an 8MG strip) and I can say that I had little to no physical effects (slight loose stool for a day, but loperimide saved the day) and am having no PAWS (at least none that I can tell. Nothing like in the past when going cold turkey or jumping from a higher dose like .5 MG)..

I've been completely clean now for 2 weeks and I cannot tell you how liberating it is.... I know now my struggles will be to stay clean as I am one of those whom believe I am an addict for life...

I hope this helped a little, if only to give you some confidence. This site (and the people here) were a big pick-me up as I think the first few months on Suboxone i was also dealing with depression as I adjusted to like without being so messed up I was nodding out all the time.

I hope you can get the same things from this site as I was able to.

Talk to you soon,

Johnny

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" Each relapse starts with one thought— maybe, just maybe, this time will be different… that little thought has killed thousands and thousands of opiate addicts over the years."
- Dr Jeffery Junig (Subox Doc)


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2016 3:00 pm 
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TY, so much. Yes, I'm getting a Smart recovery handbook sent to me. I hope there's some "identifying triggers'" work I can get from there. Also I am in NO HURRY to get off the Suboxone. I've beenaddict for years and years and I so appreciate my Suboxone and how it makes me feel. I have had zero problems with it. Thank goodness! Well GO JONNY! Congrads on your jump with hardly any trouble. That IS INSPIRING!! Let us know how your doing, and thanks for the AWESOME advice. I will take it to heart!!!! Sincerely,
Angie


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2016 11:20 am 
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Reprieve that's an awesome post! Good luck on ur new journey!

PS...glad that ur still supportive of suboxone treatment. I'm happy to know u feel that way :)

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2016 2:04 pm 
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@jennjenn

Thank you for your kind words... I believe in Suboxone wholeheartedly. Even though I decided that I no longer wanted to take it, I have no issue whatsoever with someone whom chooses to continue with a maintenance program. The important thing is that someone regains a degree of control of their life.

Are there side effects, of course... but look at the alternative...

Suboxone saved my life, my marriage, and my family. For that I will always be grateful.


John

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" Each relapse starts with one thought— maybe, just maybe, this time will be different… that little thought has killed thousands and thousands of opiate addicts over the years."
- Dr Jeffery Junig (Subox Doc)


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