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PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 8:47 am 
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I started on suboxone the second week of December 2008. My induction was not normal and I was pretty messed up in the head for awhile after I was put on sub. Lucky for me, a couple months after that we moved about an hour away. That helped immensely with a change of location - all new people, new house, new everything. It was just what I needed.

I couldn't believe the change in me! Nor could my family. It was like a dead flower coming back to life in front of everyone's eyes. My family was happy and proud. Since then I've traced my family history (and many others'), found long-lost relatives who are now a huge part of my life, and generally HAVE a life now.

Suboxone helped to save my life and my marriage. BUT, that said, it's not that easy. The first year after i started sub, I used to ask my husband about discussing my addiction. I knew he MUST have issues that were still unresolved. I would try to talk to him about it time and time again. He just kept telling me all was OK. About a year and a half ago, we started marriage counseling.

We're still in counseling and just NOW he's getting the courage to discuss my addiction with me. JUST NOW! Two weeks ago during marriage counseling he finally got the courage up to ask me if I cheated on him during my active addiction(!). I was bowled over with astonishment! I had no idea he even suspected that. I of course told him no and then asked why didn't he say this to me earlier, because I'd been trying to talk about my addiction for years. The marriage counselor said he wasn't "there yet". So, it's 3.5 years later and we are JUST NOW starting to deal with the ways in which I hurt him in my active addiction.

Let me tell you, I thought all of my shame over my addiction was GONE - long ago gone. But damn when he looked at me with that pathetic face and asked me with all seriousness if I ever slept with this asshole who got me vicodin when I ran out, it just about broke my heart in two. I was full of shame over my behavior like it was day one all over again.

I guess my point to this post is that no matter how far into your sub treatment you are or how far out you are from active addiction and how well you and your significant other are doing, keep an open mind to discussing the time you were in active use. Did you discuss it much with them? Did you REALLY talk about if you hurt them and how you hurt them? This stuff MUST be talked about. I just want to encourage you all to open the lines of communication with your partner to encourage them to talk to you when they are ready. They need to know it's OK for them to tell us they're angry with us over what we did. We have to listen and respect what they are saying and feeling. Just don't assume that if they haven't said anything by now that they don't have anything to say. I made that mistake and look where it got me! For you women, men don't share feelings easily. I literally kept asking my husband for 3 fucking YEARS to talk to me, to no avail. But finally it took a marriage counselor and the safety of those sessions for him to open up about it. I'm just glad he was able to so that I could ease his mind. How worried he must have been for all that time!

Please, communicate with your partners about your time in active addiction to keep your relationship healthy. I'm learning this the hard way. I'm just glad we made the decision to go into marriage counseling. It might have saved our relationship.

Go forward, live long, and prosper! (Part hatmaker, part vulcan)

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 1:18 pm 
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OMG, hat, I know EXACTLY what you mean..........

we have been married for 9 years, on the 26th of this month. So pretty much the whole time, I was taking pain pills. and of course graduated into other things the last three yrs or so, but I digress.

We started marriage counseling about 6 months into my sub therapy. (14 months, now)
The sentence that STARTED us going, was him saying
"you are this completely different person, I dont even KNOW who you are anymore"

I was like, OMG, I do not want to be another statistic.
Anyways, He asked the SAME THING. if I ever Did "anything" with anybody FOR DRUGS. !!!!!!
I was like, NO, thats why I SOLD everything we owned, duh!!!!!

At first, I was very apprehensive, about marriage counseling. I was like "im not going to see some idiot, so they can tell ME, how much of an ass I WAS, I already know I made a lotta mistakes!!!"
But it wasnt like that at ALL.

Im glad we started working on it, at 6 months though, instead of 3 years!!! Im sorry. maybe he wasnt ready til now???
I get the feeling, sometimes, its scary for him, bcuz I dont 'need' him anymore, to take care of me, or watch me breath in the middle of the night???
counseling, is helping tremendously. Its nice to have that non-biast person there.
My husband has been a really good support thru this whole thing, but sometimes I know he's dealing with issues of his own.
and you know, he told the therapist, that being married to a drug addict,
is LIKE they are cheating on you, bcuz the only thing they care about is, MORE DRUGS.
that makes sense, in a demented, sort of way!!!! LOL


So thats about all I got. THIS is a REALLY good topic though.
You know the deck is kinda stacked agaist us addicts, in this department. It takes a strong significant other to deal with these issues. And there has to be alot more than love there.

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anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 09, 2012 12:38 pm 
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amber4.14.11 wrote:
I get the feeling, sometimes, its scary for him, bcuz I dont 'need' him anymore, to take care of me, or watch me breath in the middle of the night???


My boyfriend used to tell me this all the time...that he would always feel like he needed to check on me to make sure I am breathing in the middle of the night, to make sure I didn't overdose. Or even if I'd take a nap during the day, he would always come in and check on me. Sometimes I'd wake up with him right over me, and he would apologize for waking me up, but would say that he was making sure I was still breathing. That always made me feel so guilty that I was making him stress like that.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2012 3:42 am 
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Having been in a using relationship with a woman I can kinda understand a guy questioning something like that, and it's no reflection on a woman's character at all.

In addiction drugs come before everything... unfortunately for most that includes loved ones, even children. And even though a loving partner may try to be in denial about it, deep down there are some big question marks. For me in that relationship, it was "if she's willing to lie about X for drugs, then what else is she willing to do?" Even scarier was the fact I was using, and put drugs first equally, so I knew her priorities and her desperation just like I knew my own.

When she'd disappear off without a word and come back stoned even though I knew she had no money there were alarm bells. Then one day I went to score and she was at the dealer's house kicked back on the couch it was pretty obvious what was going on. It hurt, but it wasn't long before I accepted it was just about heroin. I decided to try and get clean, and after a lil while she came back to me saying she'd had enough of it all. First thing I did was book an appointment for a Sub doctor and got her on the program. But I kept relapsing so I broke it off and moved interstate. She weened off after a year and hasn't used since, though she drinks a 4litre cask a day!


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 20, 2013 7:02 pm 
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My husband used, then has taken suboxone for 5 years. Basically he was using it on suboxone for 9 out of our 10 years together. He has quit the suboxone now. He is doing pretty well 21 days out. But I am still stuck. He will not go ti counseling, or goes once. Anything that went wrong in our marriage is my fault or my kids, my two older kids that are not his. They exist and the fact that he supports them is my fault. He used to be loving yowards them. The finances are my fault. Even though we went into foreclosure BC he was buying drugs. Mistakes that I Did make are constantly held over me. I have Never waved his mistakes in his face. I have been Present, Patient and more tolerant than most would. I want an apology. Not 'Fine I fucked up but if you hadn't..." I want my easy going, fun, responsible husband back. I want him to get off his ass and get a job, help me at home. We have to sell our house and move. My house smells bad and looks like the house from The Grudge. He is home all the time. Watches TV and makes my kids do everything, and my 7 year old is babysat by the computer for hours. I am working and cannot get our life straight alone. But if I push him, he gets defensive angry and still does nothing. This was also going on Before he started the withdrawals.
So counseling won't happen. Talking leads to noyhonv positive. I don't know how to navigate now. He's still recovering from withdrawals and I don't expect him to snap back to his old self. But I know that nothing will change because he feels validated in being lazy and not taking responsibility for how we got here.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 20, 2013 7:05 pm 
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Sorry about my typos. I'm pretty bad about that lol


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