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 Post subject: Relapsed...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 7:31 pm 
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Joined: Wed Mar 30, 2011 8:32 pm
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Well, I didnt relapse on opiates, but I may have if I didnt have vivitrol in my system. I relapsed on xanax, my other DOC, and I feel so much grief and depression over what I have done. I went on a 4 day binge with 25, 2mg xanax bars. I dont know why I did this. it makes no sense at all. I remember going to buy the drugs and feeling no excitement whatsoever. I honestly did not even want them, but I felt the need to go ahead and get them because they were available and the dealer called me. I just couldnt say no even though I felt no desire to take them. Maybe my lack of desire to get high was because I had been working the program for a few months and using drugs became much less appealing. But I still couldnt say no. So, when in the past I would have been very excited on the drive to get the drugs, this time I felt a sense of dread of what was likely to come if I bought them. And sure enough, I was right.

I blacked out and slept for most of those days, but I also made a fool of myself to my family, friends, professors(grad school), and employers. All those that were so proud of my months of sobriety were let down. I even put others in harm b/c I am a volunteer EMT and I was hungover from the xanax on the job. I forgot to put the legs down on the stretcher as I was taking a patient out of the ambulance and it collapsed with him on it. He was ok but I feel terrible and may not be allowed to work there again. I just feel so bad about that and how much worse it could have been had he been hurt....

Then there is all the calls and text messages I sent while fucked up that make me sound like an crazy person.

I am so ashamed, depressed, etc. from what I did and coming down from all the xanax while remembering all of this is torture. I honestly felt suicidal this morning.

Well, I am going to go to a meeting tonight and call my sponsor. I hope that helps. I just cant believe the power of this disease. I will never be safe from it, no matter what meds I take or dont take, no matter how dedicated I am to AA, it just will always be there waiting for me to say fuck it.


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 Post subject: Re: Relapsed...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 7:53 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jul 31, 2013 3:39 pm
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bro don't be so hard on yourself and at the same time be. As a medical professional you will have to learn never to mix business with pleasure if you want to survive. you may always be and addict but don't fail to recognize the disease process, it distinguishes no one. It will let you down at anytime, any day. you will get up from this and pull yourself together I have the faith for you. relapse is just part of it, but remember who you are and who you want to be. get rid of the # and band it from you phone. you are milestones away from where you were just a set back. I don't want you to feel proud but don't harp to bad learn from it and move it. I know what you mean with the calls I have done it too. swallow your pride, breathe and livin for tomorrow, you deserve it. I struggle every day of my life knowing I am not like everyone else. I am too like you, I can give in in a sec without notice.


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 Post subject: Re: Relapsed...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 8:48 pm 
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You are not the only one who has slipped, and while a 4 day bender isn't optimal, it's part of your chronic brain disorder. I'm sure it's incredibly frustrating to think that you have lost any of the trust and respect that you've worked so hard to earn. But you have to look at this as an opportunity to examine what was going on in your brain leading up to the relapse. For example, I have a friend who has figured out that if he listens to a certain kind of music he is headed for a relapse. So he changes things up, holds on, finds some support and short circuits the relapse.

You need to spend a lot of time on self-introspection right now and leave the self-loathing behind. There are a few practical things you need to do right now. #1 block your dealer's number from your phone!!! #2 Maybe write down how you felt when you were vulnerable to that phone call. It's important to try to recognize triggers and patterns. Did anything emotional happen lately? Trouble with relationships? High levels of stress? You can't go back in time (although I wish you could). All you can do is move forward from here.

And speaking of moving forward, don't ignore the fact that you disappointed a lot of people. Face them! Tell them what decisions you have made to avoid slipping up again. Apologize and move on.

I wish you the best as you're dealing with the fallout.

Amy

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 Post subject: Re: Relapsed...
PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2013 10:29 pm 
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Putting drugs in your body is the last step of a relapse, generally the relapse begins well before you ingest drugs. I would encourage you to examine your thoughts and behaviors leading up to using drugs and see if you can identify the problem thoughts and behaviors you were exhibiting.

After my first relapse, members of this forum said the same thing to me that I just said to you, but unfortunately, I couldn't (and probably didn't want to) understand what the hell they were saying to me. At that point in my recovery, I just couldn't figure out what they meant when they said a relapse begins well before the drug use. I thought drug use was relapse, I came to find out that relapse involves much more that just putting drugs in me.

During my first relapse, I was basically in denial. I came to find out, after another relapse, that I was unable to deal with emotional pain, yet I continued to put myself in harms way with stunning regularity. It was crazy. I knew what I was doing was going to end up fucking me hard, but I still did it. After I finally accepted that certain behaviors were putting me in dangerous territory, things improved until my addiction hit me from a different angle. That's a story for another time.

For now, the most improtant thing you can do is learn from this slip. I know you feel like a dork, like a failure, but you can use this shit circumstance as a learning opportunity and figure out what you need to change. Chances are, you won't be able to figure out what happened alone. Like you said, talk to your sponsor, use your support group and have them help you. I'm guessing they were seeing things in your behaviors that you, yourself, weren't able to pick up on.

Stop beating yourself up. In my experience, all the guilt in the world will not stop you from using again, if anything, it's putting you closer to using. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, FORGIVE yourself, learn from this and move forward.

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 Post subject: Re: Relapsed...
PostPosted: Wed Dec 11, 2013 2:18 am 
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Joined: Wed Mar 30, 2011 8:32 pm
Posts: 249
Thank you so much for your comments and taking the time to respond; they have truly been helpful and encouraging. I know helping another addict helps us stay sober so thank you for helping me tonight and I hope I helped you.

Here is what I am struggling with right now and why I think I keep relapsing. If you can relate, please comment. I wont get too detailed with it because Im sure I could write a book with all my problems-

I am just so exhausted being me. I am in so much pain all day because of the thoughts going through my head. I create this pain. And I make it worse by trying to fix it with drugs. Im so tired of being scared of the world. Im so tired of being scared of people. Im so tired of hating myself. Im so tired of judging myself all day. Im exhausted by my constant efforts to be a different person around different people. So exhausted thinking about what I should say in this situation or do in that situation. Taking pills shuts that all off for the moment. I can finally be at peace, just for a little while. But its fake. Why cant I just live in the moment and actually enjoy life naturally? Life is a burden right now. All I want to do is hide and escape from people, places, and myself most of all. The only thing that makes me happy is thinking about the possibility of a better future.
Perhaps that is why I am so obsessed with doing well in school. Because in my mind, it is the path to moving from this miserable present into a happy future. Ive convinced myself that my life, right now, is supposed to be miserable and I will find my way to happiness through career, independence and financial success some day. Right now Im just a bad version of myself that will be better once I become independent and successful. But at the same time, I know that future will never be what I imagine it will be in my head. What if it never comes? What if I am successful and am still the same unhappy person, hoping for a better tomorrow.

Ive justified my antisocial behavior as only temporary; I dont have the energy right now for people, but later, when I am successful and I like myself, I will be more outgoing. Because I hate myself as I am now, why bother spending the time and energy to get someone else to like me? God forbid they want to be friends with me and then I have to make time for them, be subjected to uncomfortable social situations, judge myself, change who I am, and on and on and on... Im just tired of it all....I feel like I am very close to insanity, death or creating an incident in which there will be no return. I am scared.
I know the most important thing I can do is stay sober. I know that if I can just do that and try to make the effort to do the next right thing, things will get better. Im just scared that I will never be able to do that 24/7. And all it takes is that one moment when I am off my game, unmotivated, uninspired, self-hating, etc. that will trigger my decision to take a break from life and pop some pills.
I see now that sobriety is not about stopping the drug but about stopping the behaviors. I see that it really doesnt matter whether you’re on a medication like suboxone, as long as you’re not abusing it and you are working a program to change yourself completely. Its the behaviors, not the drug. I was snorting my subs, I was trying to get high off them. Every drug ive ever been prescribed I have abused. This is why subs are not good for me. I know I have changed the topic here completely to a subs discussion so I will stop and just say I hope I can change. Really change completely.


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 Post subject: Re: Relapsed...
PostPosted: Wed Dec 11, 2013 1:03 pm 
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Joined: Thu Dec 13, 2012 5:04 pm
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I too a few years back got off of suboxone and relapsed on Xanax. I ended up having to go to rehab to get off of the Xanax. I was having seizures from the withdraw. I have to agree with the other responders in saying to try not to be so hard on yourself. The Serenity prayer always helped when I was feeling like you do about messing up and making a fool of myself:

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,( making a fool of myself on while on drugs) the courage to change the things I can ( not doing drugs anymore going forward) and the wisdom to know the difference.

Just a thought but, I got on Anti-depressants after I came off Xanax and went to rehab. They put me on Lexapro then moved me to Viibryd. another thing that has helped me sooo much is Proprananol (beta blocker) with my anxiety. These medications are useful tools in helping my depression and anxiety. And they are NOT narcotic.


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 Post subject: Re: Relapsed...
PostPosted: Wed Dec 11, 2013 3:57 pm 
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Dude, LIVIN, I think you summed up very well some of the reasons most of us began using drugs habitually. I know I can relate!

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