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 Post subject: relapsed
PostPosted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 4:10 pm 
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Well I guess it wont' surprise anyone who's read my posts to hear that I've had a relapse on pills. The worst part is that I took the pills from a friend who has been giving me some paid work. It's just such a low thing to do. I just dont' even want to say anything much about the details and I really dont' want to give any justifications. It's just wrong and I knew it and I know it and I just dont' want to do this again! I know I should do something like....tell my friend what happened or at least tell my friend that I'm worried about being tempted and that I should not be left alone around the medications. I think my friend would understand too. But....I dont' want to say anything I just want to promise myself that I won't do it again. It's too late to put the pills back. And, I'd like everyone to know that I really wasn't able to get any noticeable effect at all from any of the pills, which were the strongest of opiates--percocets and dilaudid. The sub is doing its job and I am just not able to wait long enough for the sub to get out of my system. so it's all just a waste and a stupid risk and just downright WRONG.
I didnt' want to post about it here, I"m so embarrassed. But I decdied it would be better to at least tell SOMEONE about what happened, so I did that, and now I've decided to post about it too. Actually, I decided to post about it only AFTER I took the rest of the pills. I didnt' want to before that because I just wanted to take the pills, hoping I could get some kind of effect--I didnt' want anyone to know that I HAD pills and tell me to get rid of them or give then back.

Ok, so I know I need to stay on sub, even though I'm really worried about how expensive it is. I also can see that the worst trigger for me is being around drugs. But...I need to keep working for my friend, it is my only source of income right now. Also..my friend really does need my help. And I'm really good at it and we work great together. I just need to not be left alone with the meds. I guess I should really tell her. Of course I don't want to but I should. I cannot promise that I will but at least i KNOW what I should do.

I do blame my depression for some of the difficulty I have. It's a big part of my addiction, I believe. I really believe I've always been looking for self-medication. I know it's just a vicious cycle, drugs are no solution for my problems. Adn...I said I wouldn't try to justify anything. Ok, it's enough just to post about it. At least I'm doing that much. And I really really dont' want to do it again. I just need to carry on WITHOUT doing drugs. I just need to take my suboxone properly and get over the rest.

I know I dont' deserve sympathy, and that's one reason I didnt' want to post about this. I just feel so low. Especially since I still am not willing to do the really right thing which would be to tell my friend the truth. So I'm not asking for sympathy here, I just wanted to at least be honest with this community because you guys are my mainstay in terms of support system and if I can't be honest here then what is the point? I am really sorry for what I did and I really dont' want to do it again. And it hasnt' done me ANY good in any way at all--I've onlye learned what I already knew, that the sub really does work to block other opiates and I cannot get high! so there is just no point, no point, no point. I hope I finally know enough now to STOP my obsessive compulsive desires to do opiates at any cost if I can.

Ok, that's all I'm going to say for now, thanks for listening. I am really sorry. God, I hate myself. But that is just part of the vicious cycle. I so wish for escape from myself. but..I have to learn....I have no choice but to live with myself, just the same as everyone else. And I know how I'm luckier than a lot of people in a lot of ways too, I really ought to be able to manage and make a better showing than this. So much though, sometimes I just wish it would end though. That is not a threat, please dont' think otherwise, but...it's just that I do feel it, I just wish all of this would go away. NOw I ought to do something positive, like go get some exercise...well, at least I WILL try to accomplish something productive today...adn tomorrow I will go to work at my friend's house and I will NOT take any more of the meds there, not tomorrow and not ever. Maybe it's not good enough, but that's the best I can do right now, or...it's all I'm doing anyway...I know I should do more..but...well, this IS better than nothing I hope.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 9:06 pm 
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Hello Auto,

I am really sorry to here you are having such a hard time. I am not sure if you have read any of my post or not, but if you haven't I will let you know that I understand completly. I have just relapsed after almost 4 months clean, which I know isn't very long but to me its a life time. Last Saturday I began taking a "FEW" pills and by Wendnesday morning I had gone through over 500 dollars.

I also feel so much guilt I spent all the money I had saved up towards my new car and now have to start back from square one. I am now succesfully back on Suboxone and still after everything I went through this week am having a difficult time with the mental aspect. Each day has its challanges but I am now ending my 5th day clean and more positive.

As far as telling your friend I don't know how I would deal with that. I guess if you think she would understand it might be best to tell her and ask her to hide them from you so that the temptation will not be there. With saying that I to probably wouldn't be able to do that for one I would be afraid to jeprodize my friendship and two because it would jeprodize my supply. I am not saying thats what your thinking I am just saying that if it was me thats what I would be thinking.

Again I wish you the best of luck and will say a prayer tonight that we both make it through this. People keep telling me it will get better and am begining to surrender and belive that it will! GOOD LUCK


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 10:27 pm 
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This is a tough one......ok your relapsed...that will pass...you can overcome that guilt. You still have to deal with the issue...the friend and the missing pills......

They joke in AA that an alcoholic will steal your money and admit it........a drug addict will steal your money and help you look for it.......this is true because I have been there.

So what do you do. When you go there your going to know immediately if they know...if they are not sure...you have to make a decision.......this rigiorus honesty bullshit...is something.

Does your friend have to take this medicine daily to deal with pain? What I mean is how much are they going to suffer without the meds you took. I have done this in the past and I never cared if they needed it or not...that was their problem and those people were family members.

1. If you tell your friend obviously you will probably lose the job.

2. your friend could call the police........and that could really be bad.

3. You walk away and they figure it out and they could still call the police

4. You lie and continue your normal life and keep your job.

Auto........I have done this in the past and thanks to suboxone and AA I don't have to live like that anymore. Obviously being honest here could have bad results. Continuing to live the lie may cause your friend to suffer. This is a tough spot to be in and if it was me I am not sure what I would do.............in active addiction I would lie my ass off and somebody better have video of it if they accuse me. Today ........I would pray and hope I do the right thing. You are truly at a crossroads in your desire for recovery. The direction you take from here has dire consequences.......All I know is I understand it and I will pray for you that if you decide to tell your friend you get understanding.

Since I have chose to be honest it has always worked out for me so far.........doesn't mean it will for you. All I can say is that I hate this disease and what it makes us do. You know we will support you in whatever decision you decide. Auto pray for guidance.......whatever happens is suppose to happen. Please let us know how things turn out.......and always remember we are here to help you deal with things we have done ourselves........you can do this recovery thing.....and it is so much easier doing it with others. I am glad you shared this to remind us all how quickly we can succumb to this.......but this has been building and I have to believe that you have been thinking about this since you discovered the pills a couple of weeks ago..........perhaps getting out of theat enviroment is best for you. I hope all works out........and I promise if you use your suboxone and go to meeitngs you can do this.......good luck

Jim


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 Post subject: what to do
PostPosted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 2:16 am 
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Thanks Hancal and RR for writing. Well, the relapse part...I dont' really feel guilty about, just stupid. The sub WORKS and I cannot get anything from taking other opiates. I just hope that I will really truly believe that now and that I can use taht knowledge and not be so stupid as to keep trying. What really bothers me is that I took those pills and I should not have. I stole them. And yes, I stole them form someone who really does need them Telling the truth....ideally that would be the right thing...I can't at this point give the pills back, but I could offer to pay for them at least. I do not think calling the police would be something this person would do. In fact I think there would be understanding but...it's still obvious that things might not turn out great for me if I tell the truth. Worst case would be if I do nothing, say nothing, but then do the same thing again. That would just be so bad. I really do not want to do that again. And, honestly, I DO care about my friend. and yes they DO really need the pain meds. But..honestly, I dont' think they will be missed. That is, of course, no kind of excuse. There just is no excuse. So...my plan is that I will go to work and not say anything about it. IF I am at some point asked about it...well, I hope that at that point I would tell the truth. But I dont' know. I have lied about my addiction in the past. Even when I was trying to tell the truth, somehow I lied--inside my head I was telling myself to be honest, but I just went ahead and lied. Well, the fear of the consequences can be so bad, and one just wants the situation to go away...but...like I said there is no excuse, and I know that. So....it seems that I've already proved I can't trust myself in this situation...And yes, it has been an issue since I started working there. But as long as I wasn't left alone it was not an issue. So, what I hope is that I will avoid that situation if it comes up again. Most of the time it shouldnt'. Most of the time I am always working with the person.But...if I can't be trusted, I shouldn't continue in this situation. And...I do feel like I've proved I can't be trusted.

Well, I really do feel awful about what I did. And like I keep repeating, although I'm not the only addict who ever did something like this, far from it in fact, there's just no excuse. I CANNOT do it again. Luckily though, I really really do not think that my friend will actually suffer as a result. Not like that makes it ok, but...it would be worse otherwise.

What I hate so much is how compulsive my behavior around opiates can get..it's like no matter what I'm thinking, there's an over-riding compulsion to take opiates if they are available. And even something like this--they weren't really available, just the opportunity to steal them.

Well, my plan is to go to work and NOT ever do this again and to avoid being alone. I never want to do somethign like this again--it's just too much, I feel like such crap. As I should, how else could I feel?

Anyway, at least I'm being honest HERE, I hope that's better than nothing. At least I do feel bad about what I did.

But I also jsut wonder.....will I ever ever really feel ok...will there ever be a time when I dont' wish I could escape from being myself? I mean...yes, I'm ok some of the time....when I am concentrating on some project or activity that I care about, then I do not wish to impair my abilities and dont' crave drugs. But so much of the time I still spend just wishing my life would end, despite that I'm taking 2 different antidepressants Well, life is not perfect and we can't expect it to be great all the time...but...I just have such trouble accepting my life, and just so much anxiety and also, pain.

Well, I'll move on from this of course. And of course it's extra bad right now. And...I do wish I would have the strength to do what I think is right and that is to tell the truth. But...honestly, I don't think I will. I feel bad about it but....it would be very hard to tell the truth and I just doubt that i will--I'm afraid. Mayube they will know or suspect and confront me. I'm hoping not, but I dont' know. And I dont' know what I will do if that happens either. I want to pretend this t=didn't happen. But..it DID happen....SO....I really think I need to try very hard to be honest with myself--can I really promise myself that I will never do it again? I dont' think I can 100% promise ANYTHING about anything (not just regarding the addiction issues), honestly, but...I think I can make a real commitment to not do it again. And writing about the whole thing here is one thing that DOES help me with that at least.

Anyway, I am truly grateful for the support I find here. I do know I'm not alone and that is somehow some comfort. I just want to do better....


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 3:38 am 
Hey Auto,

So sorry to hear about what is going on with you. Your post really caught my attention because although I have not relapsed, I am working around opiates as well.

See, I am an RN with an addiction problem that I have had for basically my whole life. Well what do you know, when I became a nurse I couldn't help but notice how much pain medication was wasted.....So I am sure you can guess what happened. Yeah, I stole from my employer too. ( I am deeply ashamed) I was not caught, nor did I report myself. I am currently still working in the SAME job. (scary, isn't it) I work 7days out of a 14 day pay period. So for 1/2 the month, I am around MASSIVE amounts of really strong IV drugs. (even more scary huh.)

I chose not to tell my employer. There were many reasons for this....Including the fact that legal action could have been taken, I NEED a job to feed my kids/pay for our house, and was unsure what would happen with my nursing licence. My doctors in detox wanted me to self report, my sub doc originally wanted me to self report. I told them I would think about it for 3 weeks...I decided that it was best for me NOT to. I decided to find a new job as soon as possible, one where I had NO access to medications....and to work my ass off in the AA program, stay on sub, etc...

So far, I have had NO desire to steal meds from work, and rarely have cravings for drugs. The thing is, I KNOW that feeling will not last forever. I know there will be moments of weekness. I know i cant work around these meds and stay sober. And being sober has made me realize how really stressful this job is...as bedside nursing in a hospital is changing, and not for the better.

Anyway, tomorrow I am applying for a new job. And will give my 2 weeks notice soon, even if I don't get this new job. Thats how bad I want to get out...It is a bad place for me in sooooo many ways, meds being only one ot them.

So I am struggling too...I have not been totally honest with my employer- as AA tellls me I MUST be. How will I be able to make ammends to these people if I cant tell them the truth? When telling the truth may get me arrested?? AA says I will eventually relapse over this...This situation sucks, for both of us Auto!!!! This is why I want to QUIT using!!! I hate feeling like a fucking LOOSER all the time!!!!!

So I have a little plan in place. I told my sub doc that I would give him my managers phone number so he could call her if I relapse. ( This doc is great. He is hard core on my ass! Drug tests me once a week after I have been at work. )I told my husband that if I felt like using, if I had something in my hand I would call my sponsor and him. I keep working AA like a champ and taking my sub. So far, I have been OK.

Sorry this got so long Auto...I just want you to know that you are not alone. I want to thank you so much for posting this because it confirms what I have been thinking. I can't be around drugs because I could relapse too. Your post could have been mine. I think you are brave for coming here and posting. Nobody on here had to know. So I think you have the right idea. Talking about it is suppose to help. Take away its power...

So take care Auto. Don't be too hard on yourself. Pray, and I will say a prayer for you. You have a deadly disease that wants to kick your ass. Please keep us posted, maybe we could help eachother. Kire


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 4:38 am 
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Please remember with the 12 step programs we are suggested to mak amends where ever possible "exept when to do so would injure them or others". This is why a good sponsor is needed to guide us through the steps. We can't just clear our conscience and leave more people hurt.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 5:52 am 
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Auto, I want to commend you on your willingness to tell us about this. As was already said, you didn't have to post here and we wouldn't have known any different. You have to deal with the situation at your workplace the best way you know how and I respect your ability to make that decision. Personally I think the best way for you to deal with this is to put the bat down and stop beating yourself up about it. I firmly believe that the worse we feel about ourselves the more at risk we are. So however you decide to handle it with your employer I think you need to forgive yourself and focus on the future. You now know all too well that sub will not allow you to get high, you've proven it to yourself. You also aren't pleased with your actions surrounding this...I think all of these things will better prepare you to deal with this in the here and now as well as the future. Try to focus on what you've done RIGHT and move forward. The more you perseverate over this the worse you'll feel and that's when relapse becomes a real danger. At least that's how I see it.

Hang in there and keep us posted on how you're doing.

_________________
-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 10:42 am 
Kire - I'm so glad Smoothy said what he did. (by the way Smoothy, that avatar scared me!)
You didn't steal drugs from your employer while you were using, nor are you now. You ARE working a program of rigorous honesty. So please! don't throw away your nursing liscence and your career, if there is a way to handle the situation by other means. It really would injure yourself and others (your kids and maybe even your employer). You have a good plan in place - please stop beating yourself up about it.

Auto - didn't forget about you. I'm going to send you a PM.
Take care,
Lilly


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 11:58 am 
Auto, I am sorry about your slip up. It is so difficult, isn't it? We just cannot be trusted around narcotics! The compulsion to use is so dang strong! You are far from the first nor are you the last who, even on Suboxone, will try to use opiates again. For most of us, it's part of the process. It takes a long time to break the habits we developed in active addiction. We hate those habits....the lying, the stealing, the burning desire to feel that feeling that opiates used to give us. We hate it, yet the pull is just so strong. That, to me, is the very definition of addiction. That insanity of knowing these behaviors bring us so much pain, guilt and shame, yet we do it again and again and somehow think we'll get a different result!
There's nothing to be gained by continuing to beat yourself up. As I think ReRaise said, the best thing to do is probably hit your knees and pray for forgiveness and strength to do better next time and ramp up your recovery practices. You have learned a valuable lesson.....while on Sub, pain pills are not going to do a damn thing for you! That is, except for make you feel foolish for trying to get high! As far as confessing what you did to your employer...that is a tough one. There is certainly plenty to be gained by being honest....it is empowering. But at the same time, there is risk involved....you could lose a job which would add to your stress and in turn, add to your risk for further relapse. Sometimes, if you're unsure what to do, it's best to just do nothing....wait it out and just make sure that you are never left alone with access to this person's drugs. For me, that has been the best defense.....just making sure that I have zero access to drugs....taking away any possibility of obtaining anything. I guess, to sum it up, as the others have already said.....just brush yourself off and get back on track....knowing that you're not alone and that this is part of the process for many of us. It just reinforces how sick you (we all) are in our addiction. And how much work recovery really is.

Kire, How I wish I were in your position. If you've read any of my earlier posts, you know that I surrendered my nursing license a little over a year ago after practicing as an RN for almost 20 years. It has been the most painful experience of my life. I was caught doing what you did.....diverting narcotics from the workplace. It started with using 'waste' and quickly escalated to using IV Fentanyl and Demerol in quantities large enough to get me caught and turned in to the BON. In hindsight, I wish I had known about Suboxone and gotten myself into treatment before my addiction caused such chaos. I will tell you that I believe your plan to leave your current position in favor of a position in an area of nursing which does not use large quantities of narcotics, is beyond wise! It is critical! I think you will find that over time, you will not be able to remain 'strong' enough to not succumb to using those potent drugs at some point. I tried so hard, promised myself so many times that "never again, this will be the last time, etc etc" It never worked. Because this has nothing to do with strength and willpower. You have to get in a position where your access is cut off. I believe that will be your only hope of getting through this with your license intact. You are right....bedside nursing is going in a direction that is not good. It had gotten progressively more difficult and more stressful to work as a nurse over the years....more and more responsibilities added, more liability and worsening nurse to patient ratios are the norm. It is a very stressful career and increasingly more thankless and less rewarding. I say that as a former nurse who loved what I did....I really did. It was a huge part of my identity. And learning to live without it has been extremely difficult. The whole thing...from getting caught and being turned in to the BON and all my peers knowing about it, to trying to participate in the Peer Assistance Program and deciding to voluntarily withdraw to start Suboxone....was all so devasting. I can't even tell you! You are very fortunate that you were given an option to self-report or not. Having been through what I went through, I cannot advise you to self-report. If anything, I think that process with the BON made my recovery harder....much harder. I suffered greatly because of their 'rules' and their ability to dictate my recovery process. On the other hand, as I'm sure you know, you are putting yourself at great risk (or you were before getting treatement) by continuing to practice while in active addiction. That absolutely can't happen again. I was lucky...nothing disastrous happened while I was working 'impaired' but it could have and what a mess that would have been! So please do as you have planned and get out of any area of work that involves narcotics. This way, you can hang onto your license and maintain your ability to work and earn an income and still work on your recovery. You are in a golden position....don't take it for granted. I'm so happy for you that you got help and have gotten things under control before something terrible happened. Just know that this disease is brutal. Even though you feel stable with Suboxone and may have no desire to use right now, doesn't mean that given the stress of a particular day or whatnot, and getting ahold of some easily unaccounted for narcotic 'waste' ,that you might not be tempted to 'one more time' go down that road. I so understand the guilt and shame you feel for what you have done. I felt like I'd drown in it for so long. But we have to get past it....understand that we were sick....we were powerless in what we did...our addiction turned us into someone we are not, made us do things we would never do. But we are getting better. Stay the course and good luck to you. I just had to reply after reading your post. Good for you for getting help before things got worse!


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 3:22 pm 
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Hi everyone, first, I just want to thank you all for your comments. Kire, I hope your new job works out! It does sound like a very good idea for you to be somewhere where there arent' so many narcotics as a constant possible temptation. But it's great that you've been doing so well anyway. I'm looking for a job too. This work that I'm doing now is not a "real" job it's just an opportunity to earn some money while I'm looking for a job. And I really do need the money. Well, I wish I could tell you all that I decided to be honest, I think that honesty is usually a sign that at least we are facing our addiction...but...well, I will tell you guys, that though i am not immune to denial, of course not, no one is...really a bigger problem for me is dealing with compulsion (and obsession)...like..it is NOT my usual pattern to trick myself into believing I wont' use drugs and then find that I can't resist once I am in a situation where drugs might be available...it is more my pattern to think things through and face the truth but then make a bad decision anyway..make a decision that I KNOW is the wrong one...well, that is the compulsive part and so I know there is a risk that if I end up left alone with the meds again I might do the same thing again...but...I really think I WON'T. I really do not WANT to do that again, EVER! I certainly admit that it will be better if I'm not left alone with them...adn luckily most of the time that shouldn't even be an issue..BUt if it DOES come up, then I think I should have a plan in place that I'll avoid that situation--that is, if it is suggested that I work unsupervised, I'll say no, I'm not comfortable, I'd rather not. I dont' think I have to give a reason.

I still feel very bad about what I did. It's pretty low alright, even though I really do not think my friend/employer is in any danger of suffering or even missing the pills. I'm glad that he wont' suffer, but...that doesn't make what I did ok. But I really do think I can hold to a real commitment to myself that I'll will not do that again. It is such a bad thing to do, and a bad risk to my own livelihood, not to mention my reputation, not to mention it's bad for my chances of true recovery or at least addiction remission. And yes, it COULD end up hurting my friend/employer, though I hope and think it won't, as long as it doesn't happen again. Anyway, it's just all around bad and besides that, the sub really does WORK so that I cannot get the effect I'm looking for from the pills anyway! Which...honestly, I probably wouldnt' even really enjoy it if I COULD get high. If it DOES happen again and I ever do such a rotten thing again even though I am promising myself I WON'T, then....I'll have to face it, quit the job, tell the truth, do SOMETHING more thank I"m doing now. But I honestly truly think I won't do it again. I know that sounds pretty lame. Maybe it sounds like a lame plan. But that's what I've decided. I won't do it again. And, I'll avoid being alone there, which should not be hard to do.

Meanwhile, I'm running low on sub, I have to call in my refill. That is the other thing I've decided--clearly I should STAY ON SUB for now and continue trying to use it APPROPRIATELY. I am still having trouble keeping my dose stable. I was doing better for a while--sticking to 4 mgs a day once a day, but now...well, truthfully I'm kind of all over the place again...although better than before in that I dont' ever dose more than twice in a day max....and I've been sticking to less than 8 mgs a day for the most part...but not today...I just dosed i guess about 12 mgs. I don't even know. Ok, also, there are no more refills on my script so....my doctor told me, just call in for "zero refills" when I run out of any of my meds, including sub. But....I still didnt' get a clear dosage prescribed by my doc. On my pill bottle it says take one tab a day. My doc and I have more discussed a 4 mg a day dose...but the doctor just always encourages me to take less, to take the smallest possible dose...well, when I go below 4 mgs I seem to run into trouble...the cravings get worse, and when I go down to 3 or 2 mgs..then the next day I'm usually inclined to take MORE than 4 mgs...so I really think I should try 4 mgs lowest. And...I didnt' run through my script too fast...well, faster than I should have if I'm supposed to be at 4 mgs..which is what I think, but it's never really been clearly determined by my doc...but I last refilled well over a month ago...so I dont' think my doc will question approving it...anyway, I'm worried about the cost...if I stick to 4 mgs a day..well, it's not that bad (from what I've read it might be the lowest possible dose needed to stay above the ceiling effect, which clearly is important) and I should only have to refill every other month...but right now I am so low on money...it's hard..and I'm running out of one of my antidepressants too...but...I think going off my meds because of money is just a TERRIBLE AWFUL BAD idea. I CAN use a credit card to pay for them. Now that is not great, and it scares me to start using credit amd the interest rate I have is not good but...I think I had better stay on my meds and I think I had better keep paying for my COBRA so that I have health and dental insurance. Maybe I should look for better health insurance but....one thing at a time, right now I think I'd better just refill my scripts and carry on. And get my dental work done too, though again, I dont' really have the money and have to use a credit card with a poor interest rate...I AM hoping to get a credit card in the mail any day that has a good rate....

Well, financial details, all this of course is more than anyone needs to hear. And it's so common these days--everyone has money worries.

I still feel crappy about doing such a low thing. But...I really promise myself I wont' do it again. I also don't feel great about deciding NOT to tell the truth to the affected party. But...I also promise myself to avoid the situation that caused the danger..avoid being alone....

In any case, all I can do is move forward from where I am now so....that's what I have to do. Thanks again, all of you--you've all told me some of your experiences and it really does help to know that there are people who really truly understand this kind of compulsive behavior. And also that people have done such things but now have gotten better. In other areas of my life I don't have problems with being dishonest or untrustworthy...but the addiction really can end up with us crossing lines we wouldnt' ever expect to cross otherwise...But..there's just no excuse.

Anyway, thanks, all of you, for your understanding and for sharing your own experiences. Meanwhile, I will go back to work and I will NOT repeat that episode.

I'm glad I did decide to post about it, at least I'm being honest with my support community, and at least it does give me some accountability to have told you guys, and..I'll be reporting in on how I do...of course I want to be able to give you a GOOD report later and not just continue to have inexcusable unfortunate behavior to report. So... I know what I did wrong, now....what, if anything, am I doing RIGHT here? Well, deciding to stay on my meds.....Making a commitment to myself adn to my support community to do bette, being honest with self and support community...and...at least I didnt' go out of my way to obtain drugs....although, to be honest....I have also decided something-- that if I am faced again with unbearable temptation to steal some pills--instead of stealing I will tell myself that I can get drugs elsewhere. I know that this might sound to you like I'm setting myself up for a relapse...but..I just dont' think it will come to that...and I can't bear the idea that I would steal pills again ( especially from someone who legitimately needs them!). I would rather go out and BUY drugs than that, and I can try to do that if I want to. So far, since I left my job, I have not sought out drugs. But, seriously, crazy as it might sound to you, part of my plan, as a last resort, is that IF I am faced with the temptation to steal some pills, I WON'T do it and I'll tell myself, ok, if I really want to try to get high, I'll try to get something, later, after work. Then...I probably won't be successful anyway even if I did go and try to score, but....also, likely I just wont' bother anyway, I'll get over it and it's too much trouble to try to set something up. Ok, I know this part may sound absurd, but...well, I"m being completely honest here at least.

Thank you again, all of you. And RR and Kire, thank you for including me in your prayers, and anyone else who has prayed for me, thank you so much for including me in that part of your life, it does mean a lot to me.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 12:37 am 
It's good to hear from you Auto. I'm glad you didn't get into any kind of trouble at work and are moving foward.

One thing from your last post stood out for me....My doc has me on 8mg of sub daily. At first I was taking 4mg in the am and 4mg in the evening. I knew my doc didn't want me to do this, he wanted me to dose once in the morning. I played around with it for a while, trying 12mg one day and 4 mg the next day. Finally I thought "why am I doing this?" I decided to take the 8mg in the am like it said on the bottle. And Auto, I feel so much better. The cravings are rarely there and I feel like I am truly working recovery when I am following the rules. I am wondering why your doc wants you on "the lowest possible dose." It sounds like a good plan to stay on your meds. I hope you can figure out the money situation. Thank god I only pay 20 bucks a month for my sub since my husband has such good insurance.

And sorry for kinda jumping in on Auto's thread...his story just hit me. So thanks for all who replied. I am working with a sponsor and understand not to make amends if it could harm myself or others...but like Auto, I am still dealing with some guilt over stealing (and yes it is stealing) from my employer. I am working on this, but now I am only on step one..so I just try to get through today....and do the best I can without worring about the past or future.

And setmefree, thank you so much for replying. I had read some of your earlier posts and realized you worked as an RN too....I think it would be awesome if I could PM you sometime as I have never spoken with another nurse about my situation. I guess I will have to try to figure out the PM thing on here first!

So thank you all, and take care Auto!!!! Keep us posted on how you are doing. Kire


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 12:00 pm 
Auto, I am rooting for you, praying for you, as for all of us opiate addicts who are fighting the good fight to slowly but surely get better from this awful disease! And I do hope the 'side notes' to Kire are not offensive to you.
Kire, Yes I'd love to hear from you and help you any way I can, as I think I do understand your situation 'up close and personal' and how hard it is to live with what we have done. Again, I'm so thrilled that you got help before your world 'blew up' like mine did. Send me a PM anytime. Underneath anyone's post you will see a little icon "Send PM"....just click that and it will take you to an email-type screen and you just have to enter a subject and then your message and send. Trust me, if I can figure it out....anyone can!!
Best to all for a good day today!


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 12:46 pm 
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Well, I do not mind at all having people pick up on a thread I started and tell of their own experiences. That works fine for me, Kire, I'm glad you posted here, thank you again. I AM feeling better and moving forward..I have begun looking for a job and am not finding that easy.... but looking for a job is hard for ANYONE< of course, and I have to try and hope for the best....As for my sub dose...well, I called in my "zero refill" and am hoping my doc approves it, and soon, as I'm almost out....well, that is what my doc told me to do--just call it in when I run out, even if no refills left and she will approve it...and..well, I did run through my script faster than I should have if my dose is supposed to be 4 mgs...but...it's been over a month since I refilled....I dont' know why my doctor doesn't want to discuss dose other than "as low as possible." I think she doesn't know about the ceiling effect..we have never discussed that. Also, when I talked to my doc about wanting to stay on sub instead of getting off it, she pressed me about if I get high from taking more of it and asked me why I felt I needed to take 4 mgs instead of 2 mgs.....(initially I was prescribed 4 mgs, but when I told my doc, this was at the very beginning, remember, that I felt an effect from it, she told me to go down to 2 mgs, which I did, but still at the beginning, felt high from 2 mgs...later, that effect stopped, no matter what dose I take now, i don't get any effect of a high). Anyway, since my doc doesnt seem to want to talk about my dose, I am thinking I should just try to stay at 4 mgs, which I think will work....I don't go into WD after all...it's just the cravings...and I don't think it is realistic to expect sub to take away cravings entirely...although, back when it got me feeling high, it DID take away all cravings....

Anyway, I just wanted to check in and say thanks again to everybody, and also say I will never mind at all about people posting about their situations on any thread that I've started.


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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

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