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 Post subject: Thank you
PostPosted: Sat Jun 04, 2011 6:10 pm 
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Hi China, Hi Romeo,

when i think about why i lapsed these few times i think there were multiple reasons that lead to them. I know the first one I was feeling low and tired after not sleeping very well, then I had an arguement with my husband before we went to work. I bet i decided then that by the end of the day after I'd got home from work that I'd score instead. It's like I told myself 'sod it. I'm not bothered, I'm getting some gear' And once I have that in my head then that's all I think about sorting out. It's like I have these conflicting thoughts going on in my brain.

The big picture is that yes I want to get off that shit because it is ruining me in every way, but then there's the other bit of my head that likes the feeling, likes to just drift off, relax, have a smoke and chill out. I remember saying to myself before i went to get proper help from the doctor, that I just needed to get the usage down to a minimum ie give myself a treat once a month. But I know now that isn't realistic. And that thought doesn't appeal to me now.

You are correct and i know it's all to do with thought processes and how i personally handle certain situations and I am going to have to learn to do different things with myself. Keep my mind occupied on other things. I need a hobby! Sub's are great because it helps you get the sickness away so that one can then busy themselves in other ways. That's what I found hard when I was using all the time. It wasn't that I would want to use for the aim of getting buzzed out; most of the time it was using to stop the sickness (or to stop clucking as we say over here in England). So i guess now that the Sub's help with the physical symptoms i need to work my brain into thinking in a healthier way. sorry if it sounds like i am waffling but i am using this post to get my thoughts out into the open.

So what caused my last laspe - It was most definately because we'd both just been paid and we simply wanted some gear. and before i knew it 7 days had gone by and i was back to square one again. I have suffered since wednesday/thursday as i needed to get to w/d's again before starting tablets again and these last few days its building up in my system again. think i am almost there though and the only thing bothering me is my stomach ache and slight feeling of sickness in my throat. So in my mind I am like 'no way am I going to put myself through this again' this time was bad because it interferred with my work and i had to call in sick. and i never did that even when i was using heroin all the time. there was one thing i would not allow and that was for it to interfer with my job. but this time it did and i am not going to do it to myself again.

I have looked up NA meetings in my area and there is one on Monday evening at 7.30pm. so i think i am going to go and see what I can get out of it. I'll let you know how it goes.

Tomorrow I am going to go to Hobbycraft - see if I can't find something that will keep me busy. I've always enjoyed arts and cratfs and i haven't done anything 'arty' in years. so tomorrow i think i will go there. cross stitch here i come! LOL :lol:

Lots of Love

xxx C xxx


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 04, 2011 7:05 pm 
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I want to address what Romeo said about relapse. I believe your correct Romeo, relapse is not/should not be a part of recovery. The counseling community I am around is trying to change this belief. Yes, a significant number of people in recovery relapse, and it can be a great learning opportunity. But telling people from the get go that relapse is going to happen just reinforces the possibility that much more. Anyone interested in further reading should check out the website williamwhitepapers.com. Good luck to you babydoll.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 04, 2011 7:11 pm 
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I meant to say that relapse should not be defined as an inevitable part of recovery. Of course it is going to happen.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 04, 2011 7:22 pm 
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Hey babydoll,

Don't worry if you think you're 'waffling' back and forth when you post, posting and getting those thoughts out is what's important. Someone said this to me once about this forum, they said, "it's like journaling, but this journal talks back to you!!"

Keep working your recovery and DON'T GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!

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Last edited by Romeo on Sat Jun 04, 2011 7:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 04, 2011 7:23 pm 
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Totally understand what you are saying. I was advised at one of my visits to the re-hab centre that people lapse. That it is a common thing to happen. I think when they were telling me this personally it was because I felt really guilty and dissapointed in myself that I had messed up. So i think they were saying it to help me not beat myself up about it. But I do think at the same time it could re-enforces or justify it in some way. It takes the blame off you. "OH its alright cos everyone relapses". Am i making any sense here? So the lesson is that lapsing is common but don't use it as an excuse to go back to bad behaviour.

I also want to add that i think there is a difference in relapsing and lapsing. A lapse to me is when you slip up for a few days and then quickly get back on track. Whereas a Relapse is when the behaviour continues and becomes problematic again.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 05, 2011 6:27 pm 
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Hey peeps,

Just thought i would post a quick up date before i log off. I didn't make it to hobbycraft - whoops (maybe next weekend instead) But I have had no stomach issues today and have been fine on just the 8mg's (I don;t really want to have to increase the dose). I am hoping that it was just these first 3 or 4 days that was causing me some problems.

Went for a walk with my husband this evening. We bumped into a 'friend'. This 'friend' is also a heroin addict and was the person we HAD been scoring from for the last 6 months! As we bumped into him he had just scored. He knows we are both keeping off it and he was wishing us both the best of luck. the reason i am telling you this is because it did not bother me one little bit that our friend had gear on him. i was like OK nice bumping into you and see you soon. and that was it.... it didn't get either me or hubby to start thinking about scoring or anything. It was like... like nothing. It's so good not having that urge to like really really want some gear! i feel it was a mjor achievement for me and my husband.

Anyway good night all - be back soon!

:D :D :D :D :D xxxxxxx


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 05, 2011 8:54 pm 
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Good for you and T!!! That IS a nice feeling to be so strong in your convictions that you don't even care!!!

Keep it up!!

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 11:47 am 
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very proud of you!! That can be tough, especially if your at a vulnerable point but I think it sounds like you have a positive head on your shoulders!

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 Post subject: Day 5. Check.....
PostPosted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 5:36 pm 
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Day 5 of NO cravings. Whooop!!! :D Reason I am kinda counting is because since starting my treatment I've not really gone all that long before having a smoke and coming back around the block to start Subs again. I have confession though - I chickened out of the NA meeting that was scheduled for this evening. Will try again next week as I really would like to see what they are all about and if they can assist me. Feeling very happy and positive. I am liking this new way of life. This is the first month in a hell of a long time that I can say we still have lots of money left in the bank account. Normally all of my disposable income would have been spent by this time and there'd be very little left of my husbands pay packet. I have even been able to purchase a train ticket so I can go and visit my parents on the 18th June. I have not been back home for 18 months!!! And the reason why? Because of our addiction to Heroin! I cannot wait to see my mum and dad! I also could afford to have a basket of flowers delivered for my mum today (she's not very well so I wanted to cheer her up). I could never do little things like this before because I never has the spare cash! So stupid. Definately have no stomach issues now either 5 days in. Felt a little flushed at one point this afternoon but it soon passed. Fingers crossed I won't need to increase the dosage after all as i am feeling more stable pysically and also i am definately in a better mental state than the previous/early weeks of treatment.

Take care folks xxx C xxx


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 4:27 pm 
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Feel like a million dollars today!!! Another day over with nearly with no 'bad nasty thoughts of heroin'. Saw my nurse after work and updated her on how much more positive I have been recently. It is all cool over here in London! x


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 6:19 pm 
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Thought i would update this here thread that i started. and yeah OK, the reason i am continuing this thread is because I am not/have not been completely clean this last month.
I hate how bloody hard it is to keep off the drugs! Wish i could understand what heroin has done to my brain. why can i be doing so well and be feeling so positive and then suddenly just ruin all the good days and decide to have gear? I've not used every day. It's been like one day here and there - maybe 2 or 3 times a week. and then i will get back on my suboxone for like 4 days and then i'll want gear again. have another day or 2 using then off again.
When I am not using H, and feeling great again and positive i say to myself just carry on like this, what do you even want to go back to Heroin for when everything is cool as it is. and then somewhere somehow that mind set will completely change the next day and i will end up having a smoke again.
i just wished i could understand what its doing and why! or am i just too weak? will i ever get clean properly? its so bloody frustrating and i can blame no one else but me
:cry:


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 6:55 pm 
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Babydoll, you have a disease, it's called addiction.

Addiction is what's causing you to act the way you are. I spent a good deal of time with my addiction counselor just trying to understand addiction. It helped me a lot to understand my "enemy". Once I started to understand how he (addiction) was working in my life, I was able to recognize when he was trying to trick me into doing something stupid and I was better able to fight back against him.

Addiction is patient, addiction is cunning, addiction is able to make us do things that we know we shouldn't be doing......it's an insidious disease Babydoll.

http://suboxforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=3087

That's a link to a thread on this forum where a few of us discuss the nature of addiction. Hatmaker has included links in that thread that are VERY interesting. I remember one point in particular that explains how addiction actually "disables" or inhibits the area of our brains that are responsible for judgement. We addicts have brains that do NOT work like the rest of the population.

Have you got in with a counselor at all yet?? Have you tried any AA/NA or SMART meetings. I think they might help you.

Take care of yourself.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2011 11:27 am 
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Yeah, addiction is the biggest bitch ever!! I don't know if you mentioned this, but have you ever overdosed? Think of how tragic it would be if you did and you died, when you want to be in recovery and you have the option to take Suboxone? You sound like a cool, upbeat person. It would be horrible if that happened, and it seems to happen to the people who think it won't happen to them.

Are you going to meetings? I ask because I could not quit drinking for years and went around and around in circles like you are doing. Got sober, was doing well, quite happy, thought I'd drink to make it even better, drank, regretted it, had to start all over. Around and around. I would NOT go to meetings. I really thought they were stupid, and they can be very corny. In all honesty, though, that is what got me to stay sober once that initial pink cloud had disappeared. Despite all the weird things about meetings and all the crap people talk about them, I gotta say they saved me from relapsing. You need to get some solid time under your belt. If you went to a meeting most days for a little while, it may get you through the part of the day when you tend to give in. Just a thought.

Never give up!!!

laddertipper

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2011 5:24 pm 
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i have asked for counselling help or therapy at the treatment centre that i go to - but i have seen the counselor person once and then he said he was going on holiday and would ring me again when he came back - this must have been a month ago now. In the meeting that i did have with him he went through this thing called the cycle of change. i think that's what he called it. basically about our though processes and how relapse might happen.

he advised me against joinging in the same group session as my husband attends as it may not be good for both me and paul to be in the same group. for example me or my husband might not be as open or honest or hold back on certain stuff in case we say something the other one might not want to hear. maybe that true but i know i need to find some other support networks

i know there are some NA meetings local to me and i think i just need to pluck up the courage or make a real concerted effort to go and see what they are about. no doubt i am feeling like most people do before they give these meetings a go.

oh i don't know - how i wish i could turn back the clock and never ever try this stupid drug in the first place.

feeling a bit down at moment - perhaps i will feel more positive tomorrow. good night folks xxx


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2011 12:02 pm 
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babydall". i do the same thing. i get feeling really well , comfort / happy. and then i'm ready to hit the booze drugs.
then of cores the next day i'm back to the shit life! funny about us" we do it when we are in our best?


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:04 am 
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babydoll- i also think we take the drug at our best feelings".it is that we are smart enough in knowing the wrong time taking it.
but of cores, we need to find a better way of recovery. you will find a lot of info- on this' in AA-NA. thanks your a great person!


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:16 am 
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I agree that you and your husband should be in separate groups. It makes sense that you would each be more open without the other present. Have you tried calling that therapist you met with once back yet? If it were me I'd call him myself to set up another appt. Is he sending you to their group sessions or to NA/AA or SMART recovery? Just curious.
I hope you find some type of group that turns out to be a good fit for you. Good luck and thanks for keeping us updated.

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 06, 2011 8:24 pm 
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Sounds like you two need some time away from each other. Can you check into rehab anywhere? Stay on top of the Counselor, often they are over worked. He might have said "call me in a week" and you misheard, happens all the time. Counselors often "test" people at first to see how serious they are. Addicts can be real flakey. That is why my Sub Doc has a rule where if you have two no calls, no shows than you are out.

Changing ourselves is no cake walk, it takes some real commitment. Look deep inside yourself and be honest. Ask yourself what you have to do to get clean and what factors are involved in your relapses.

I was a relapser myself, however I would have more time in between. I'd be good for a month and than bam right back on for two weeks.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2011 9:08 am 
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agree ^^^^^ ---this comes from experiece: i was in a relaitonship for 3 years with someone i used with. i tried to quit so many times and got throgh withdrawals just to start using again. from my experience and others around me i feel that when you are in the initial stages of recovery it is VERY very very hard if not impossible to quit with someone around you that is also trying to quit. if one person says"lets go score F it!!" then you both end of going to score. im not saying go get a divorce im saying that you need to split up for a while if possible just to get some sobriety under your belt and then once you are stable and have the tools to stay sober then you can try living together again. i just know alot about co dependency and i know how hard it is to stay sober for either of you when in that situation. i would also recommend getting into a counselor, if not the one you were trying to see call other places to see if they have openings. i know that my dr has a zero tolerance policy for using and althogh im sure he would let me back in if i relapsed i know that i dont want to find out. also ask your self if your really really really ready to get sober?? i know that when i started sub it wasnt just that i couldnt afford pills anymore it was because i was worn down and beat up, tired of living like this, sick, broke, everything...i wanted out. i tried to quit 7 times in four years and couldnt stay sober and looking back i realize that i wasnt ready to quit back then. the feeling was different from then to the point i got on subs. now im not saying to go use until your ready im just saying that maybe you need to rack your brain a little to see if you really do want to keep using? do a mental inventory and think of all of the benefits of quitting and benefits of staying on H. anyways, sorry to be harsh, i just wantede to put my 2 cents in,good luck.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2012 7:42 pm 
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Hello......
I've not been on here for months. I've re-read thought this thread i started and honestly things are pretty much the same as they were. I am still not giving up on giving up though. Rome wasn't built in a day and all that. I still see my keyworker - although only once every month or so, and my prescriptions just get sent automatically to the chemist and i go there twice a week to collect. I am all over the place with my Suboxone because I am still using gear as well. It is a mess and I am not proud. Feel like a failure and that you guys must think I am takling the piss or that I don't really want to quit. But i do want to be clean i just don't know if I'll get there. I get paid monthly, and i have mentioned before how the money burns holes in my pockets. So I think the only reason why I've not had any gear in over a week is because I have had no bloody money to buy any. And so I take my Suboxone and each day I feel physically better and i say to myself 'see caz, you can do this. look how much better you feel, no hassle or sickness getting up and going to work in the mornings. keep going like this and you'll be fine'. and then PAYDAY!! whoop come on lets go score!! why? why the fuck? then it starts over again - before i know it its 10 days back on the gear and pretty much all disposable income gone. again. and i tell myself every month that this has to stop, it can't go on like this. but it does and i don't know how to change it.


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