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PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2013 5:26 am 
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I have been on Suboxone legally for roughly a year and 9 months. About a month into it, I had planned a relapse and bought 60 mgs of oxycodone. I was taking about 8 mgs a day and the day before I relapsed I didn't take any suboxone. The drug was so controlling that even though I was incredibly fortunate, at the time it didn't matter. I felt at that time my sobriety wasn't going to last and it was just a matter of time.

I was on lock down at the time and had acquired two 30 mg oxycodone pills some way or another with practically no resources at all. I was still getting drug tested regularly once every 3 weeks or so. I was still paranoid that I’d get caught even though those thoughts hadn't crossed my mind when I planned doing it. It was kind of like I just said fuck it and just wanted to get high for the very last time (we all know that lie).

I was out one day and was on the way to hang out with some friends, all of whom are sober and thought I was too. Before I met up with them I snorted one of the pills to see what my tolerance was like. I didn't feel a damn thing except for humiliation, disappointment and that I jeopardized my opportunity to be on suboxone.

A few hours later from feeling nothing I knew how powerless I really was and just sold the other pill I had. I knew that if I snorted that one too I’d be more likely to get high but didn't want to fuck up even more. I do realize that by me selling it wasn't good either but I didn't want to lose another $25 bucks.

I never showed up positive for a drug test, thankfully, and started an intensive outpatient program a few weeks later. I couldn't tell my parents I relapsed otherwise they would've freaked out even more, and I also never admitted this to my recovery group because I would've ran the risk of my parents finding out. I pretty much lied to my group and they thought I was 30 something days sober when I was really only 7 (something like that).

I never told anybody this and I am really not sure the exact date that I last used. I sometimes think about this and wonder if I should continue the lie and keep it a secret. I just don't feel comfortable telling anybody even if it's confidential. The reality is that by me relapsing really taught me a lesson and showed me just how powerless I truly was. It may have been a good thing but bad at the same time for me at the same time because I was able to get away with it.

I feel like me posting this makes me feel better about it but I don't know if I should continue the lie. I would feel relieved but wouldn't gain anything. Any input would be great. Thanks for reading.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2013 6:47 am 
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I'm sure there was some relief in getting it out there, even if it was on an anonymous forum.

People "adjusting their clean time" is a pretty regular occurrence in the NA/AA groups. The best ones are when they do it on their birthdays. Really even if you feel a lot of shame about what you did, people will be totally understanding. Also you are in the fortunate position of only losing 1 month of clean time by admitting it. Some people don't admit to relapses they have many months or even years clean.

I say do it. The reaction will barely register compared to the guilt you're probably feeling in living the deception.

I also think it's good that you're using this forum as the one place you can be honest first. It definitely plays that role for me.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2013 4:27 am 
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Hey TJ! Thanks a lot for your reply. I do want to come clean about it, but at the same time it's hard because I’ve gained back the trust of my family and friends and I just worry that if I do speak out to my parents I’d lose part of that trust I've spent so much time earning. It is kind of ironic for me to think like this because it would be a sign of honesty and maturity, but I have a feeling my parents may feel differently.

It's hard to explain, but its like I have a false sense of pride even though I still have a great deal of clean time compared to those extra 20 something days (or whatever it was) people think I have and is virtually nothing.

Thanks again.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2013 12:39 pm 
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Hey Fireman,

The fact that you came here and posted about this shows me that it's been weighing on your mind and it's my opinion that you should tell on yourself. My reasons for feeling how I do are all the same as TJ's, so I won't re-type it all up.

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Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


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Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

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