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 Post subject: Relapse in Progress
PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 3:22 pm 
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Crud, I was hoping to never have to make this post, but here it is. I'm in the tail-end of a relapse. I started using again this past Thrusday afternoon. All day Friday, all day Saturday and mercifully, it tapered off on Sunday and I haven't had anything today. I don't have any more cravings today, they just went away....so far.

The trigger was a friendship that I had at work. I had got to be friends with this lady here at work, I have a few friends here at work, but she was 'special'. There was nothing 'wrong' going on between her and I, we just had a good friendship. Well, about a month and a half ago she started missing work and coming in late. There are a lot of things the company I work for will tolerate, but absenteeism is not one of them. Her coming in late and missing days continued and I knew it was just a matter of time before the inevitable happened, she was going to get fired.

Well, she got fired this past Thursday. Because of the position I'm in here at work, I was forced to have a hand in her dismissal. It bummed me out for her, but I was also bummed because I knew that we wouldn't be friends anymore. She had basically told me that if she ever got fired that she wouldn't be speaking to anyone out here again, I can't say I really blame her.

Anyway, what happened to her upset me pretty good for many different reasons and don't you know what happened 30 minutes after she was let go.....I got a call from an old friend (drug dealer) that I hadn't heard from in over a year. He was standing in the front lobby here at work. I went up to see him, really just to get him out of the damn building and within 30 seconds he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bottle stuffed to the rim with Lorcet, Percocet, and OC's! This guy knew I had 9.5 months off Suboxone!! Anyway, my kness buckled and I told him to give me some. He poured a bunch of Lorcet 10's into my hand and didn't ask for a dime in return.....first time he has EVER given me anything....he knew exactly what he was doing!!

Thursday afternoon, the meds 'calmed' me down. By Friday morning though, I was having a heck of a time dealing with the relationship crapping out, hell, I haven't had to deal with something like that in a lot of years....and when I did have to deal with something like that before, I was still taking a bunch of OC's back then so I had a great crutch to help me through. Then by Friday afternoon it started to dawn on me how bad I was screwing up by continuing to take pills, but I couldn't stop. So now I have all the crappy emotions surrounding this dead friendship AND I have to deal with the fact that I've gotten myself back on pills. My wife was up to speed with the entire situation, but she just wasn't able to give me all the help I needed. I reached out for additional support Friday and I got some great help. Saturday morning rolled around and the feelings surrounding the relationship had subsided greatly, but I still had the pills to deal with. I made it until noon Saturday before I took some. Once again, I reached out for help and again got some great support. By Sunday morning I had come to terms with the relationship ending and was able to spend more time pondering my future with pills.....there was no future there. For the first time in our relationship, my wife told me she would leave my ass if the drug use continued. Between that and the fantastic support I received, I was able to take my last two pills Sunday....so far.

I know I'm not out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination. I know I'm still in dangerous territory. I would have certainly posted my experience earlier and I tried, but I was so messed up emotionally that I couldn't get anything coherent to come out.

I'm not posting this to scare anyone, quite the contrary, I'm hoping to receive some additional support and I'm hoping that some can learn from my experience. I know I've learned a LOT through this process. I know my relapse started weeks and weeks ago, taking drugs was just the final component of the relapse. I know I have to work harder at my recovery, actually I just got back from seeing my counselor who I haven't seen in almost 7 months. I now realize that I had let my life get out of balance in a few areas, that let my obsessiveness take over and then it was just a matter of time before I was putting a pill in my mouth.

Anyone contemplating quitting Suboxone, don't let this scare you, learn from it. I'm not happy that it happened, but I honestly think it was necessary in so much that it has taught me some extremely valuable lessons that will help me with my sobriety for years to come.

OK, I just wanted to get this out there. Any advice, support or anything would be appreciated!!


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 3:44 pm 
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Hey just posting on here is a healthy thing to do........ lapses and relapses are part of addiction..... just pick yourself up and do what you need to do to stay sober....................been there many times ...at least your being honest :)


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 5:35 pm 
Oh dang, Romeo! I'm so sorry this has happened to you. But I'm so proud of you for being honest about it with your wife and with us here. You made a mistake. You let one of the uncomfortable, sad realities of life get to you, to the point of turning back to opiates. It's okay. Most of us have done the same thing, some multiple times. It's just difficult for to "accept life on life's terms." We don't want to, and sometimes don't know how to deal with these uncomfortable feelings, so we try to numb up in the way we've learned in the past seemed to work for us. Now that we're in recovery, we know better and in a perfect world, we wouldn't go back to those old unhealthy ways of coping with things. But the world isn't perfect and addiction is a life-long fight. Learning better ways of coping is what it's all about.....at least a lot of what it's about! You were able to stop taking pills, reach out to people who care about you, reflect on how this happened and what steps you may take if you see yourself headed this way again. That's about all you can do. Please don't beat yourself up....not forgiving yourself and dwelling on guilt will only make things worse. Just move on now! Get back on the wonderful path of recovery that you've been on for all these months and just think of this as a brief lapse and a great learning experience. I'm so grateful that you quit before you really got in deep. As it stands, I'm thinking you'll have no w/d and it sounds like you're not even having cravings and that's great! Had you continued on with the pain pills, you'd be looking at w/d and maybe even needing to restart Suboxone. For God's sake....I know you don't want to do that all over again!!!
Just really stay on your toes though. I would suspect that you will be a bit vulnerable for a while, so please keep reaching out for help as you go through the coming days and weeks. In my experience, it takes a few weeks after a lapse like that to get your feet back underneath you and feel more stable again. I'm still so proud of you for all the progress you've made. I know you can put another 9months together and more!!
Thanks for sharing what happened to you!


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 6:17 pm 
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Alright my man..........where to begin?

All I will say is this, you have been an inspiration to many many people in here and to swallow your pride and come in here and put it all out there like that? Much respect.

On the flipside of that, you are human. We make mistakes. We are addicts on top of that so we tend to make more mistakes then normal. :lol: Learn from it. You know you screwed up. You knew if you continued on that ride it would get worse and you stopped. Not saying it was a good thing but hey man, you are still here and you gotta pick yerself up now, shake it off and continue on your path.

I have faith in u my brotha.


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 Post subject: Hey !!!!!
PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 7:07 pm 
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So you wanted to see what it used to feel like, wanted to be euphoric , feel like you have a little extra get up and go, I certainly blame you for that, I have missed that feeling ever since I quit, Just being honest, Mike


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 9:03 pm 
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Man, I'm so glad that you are posting this. You know, it says a lot about you that you got on here and let everyone know. Romeo, you are a strong person, so take hold of that power right now. You are the one who jumped off Sub at such a high dose and suffered acute w/d for weeks on end because you were determined to get off Sub. You can stop this right now!! You know, your wife doesn't say what she said because she doesn't love you. It's that she loves you so very much and she doesn't want to support you hurting yourself. You can make this relapse into a good thing and make it worth it. Learn from it and make changes that will up the chances that this won't happen again. I relapsed so many times on alcohol. Inpatient five times...and then outpatient and overnight in the hospital.....A few times I learned nothing, but there were a couple times a relapse taught me so much that I saw in hindsight it was necessary to get me to sobriety. Do something positive with this and don't just sit and feel guilty because then you will need to bury those feelings and the relapse will continue. Give yourself a break, promise God you are going to find out what you need to learn from this, and move on. Tomorrow's a new day. ((((BIG HUGS))))

laddertRipper :lol:

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 9:36 pm 
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If you should get cravings - and i know from previous experience that when i relapse, ive get psykolical addicted, very, very fast ( when i look back at my relapses its basicly like watching a lab rat running after a reward, the rat thinks its just following its nature, but the students know they are sticking out its path), you could try being cognitive.
My advisor in aftercare suggested that, if i should get relapse thoughts. Write down how it is to be clean and what you can achieve by being that. And write down how it is to be addicted and what would be achieved by being that. I think the idea is that you starts to rationalize instead of acting to feelings and impulses.
And stay away from friends who are using - they are waaaay to generous with their drugs when you come to them as clean:)
A thousand good thoughts:)


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 Post subject: Ur Gonna Be Ok!!
PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 11:51 pm 
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Romeo,

I was just thinkiing the other day how incredible it is that you've been off the Sub for so long and still post/show support on this forum. You'r ability to discontinue Sub use is awesome. But, the fact that you've stuck around to help so many people....is HUGE!!
I can tell you right now, I don't know if I could do it. Shit, I probably wouldn't even be able to eat orange tic-tacs afterward if I ever get off the Sub....(just trying to make you laugh)!!

Seriously, YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON and an inspiration to us ALL!! Yes, relapse sucks. And I KNOW how shitty that can feel. As everyone else has stated though (including yourself)...just look at everything that led up to this and learn from it. I know it's cliche-"everything happens for a reason", but maybe this relapse is exactly what was supposed to happen in order to give you more tools for the long haul.

FINALLY, please remember that we're usually harder on ourselves than anyone in our life is gonna be. What Im trying to say is-don't get all boggled down with embarrassment and shame. Im sure all of your family and friends have witnessed you'r amazing transformation and won't hold this against you. It takes ALOTTA BALLS to come here and be honest about a relapse. Just keep doing the next right thing (including continuing to post and getting outside support). Hang in there man!


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 4:27 am 
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Romeo I feel for you man, I seriously do. You have done such a great job supporting people on this board and your story is really remarkable. I relapsed just weeks after stopping sub and you lasted a whole 9 months... that is AWESOME. I know so many people (including myself) who haven't been able to last ANYWHERE NEAR as long as you did. The fact that you caught it early and nipped it in the bud speaks volumes and I think you will be OK. This isn't as bad as you may think it is. Going forever with out a relapse is extremely rare and you are still doing really good. I know how hard it is to fight the urges for OC and pills. Its SO DAMN HARD, do not feel guilty. This is only a minor setback in your fight against addiction. I agree with the person above who wrote that you should write down all the good things sobriety has done for you and all the bad things pills did. I know that I am going to try that because I struggle with temptation and cravings everyday. Im here for ya brother.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 8:00 am 
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I'm sorry, Romeo, that you found yourself in a tough spot like that. I'm sure it's got you reviewing in your head the things you learned in your work with your addiction counselor. Have you thought about returning to her/him and/or returning to sub? I'm not saying you should do either thing, just mentioning a couple of your options. I remember a while ago I think you posted about having a hard time with regard to thinking about relapsing (or something to that effect). Although it might not be a bad idea to go back to that counselor to review the coping skills and dealing with triggers.

I'm glad you felt safe enough here to talk about your relapse with us. Don't let it beat you down so much and don't perseverate on it. Get back on that horse and get back in the game. You can do it! Best of luck to you!

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 8:44 am 
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Just always remember to be kind to yourself and dont beat yourself up.... I was clean for 12 yrs and relapsed......which was how I ended up on subs in my mid 40's. your still bad ass :)


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 9:29 am 
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The following words could not be any more from the heart.......Thank You, Thank You ALL SO much!! I wish y'all could peek into my thoughts and see just how important ALL of your words, advice and support means to me. I started having some cravings yesterday afternoon, I got back on here and read all the replies again. Y'alls replies are like a massive dose of "Anti-Craving." A massive dose of reality too.

I'm stunned by the advice and support....stunned!! I thought I had pretty much figured out what was going on and what I had to do to move forward after talking to my counselor yesterday......then I got on here and started reading the replies.....you guys have helped to fill in a lot of the gaps for me. That's the beauty of this website, we all get an equal voice, we all get to dole out advice as we see fit and through reading all the various thoughts and opinions, I find myslef in a much better place today. I feel strong today, I didn't feel very strong yesterday.

Just to be clear, I value my 'clean' time so much. It's precious to me. Taking the pills caused me such incredible emotional turmoil. I quickly got to the point where I didn't want to stop and that scared the HELL out of me. With the help of some good friends, my better angels were able to shout down the demons that were screaming at me and I made the decision to stop the insanity of chasing pills fairly quickly. Every recovering addict needs a support system.....it's a must!!

I would like to update this thread on a fairly regular basis because I know I'm still in the tall grass, fumbling my way through. I know I'm going to need help moving forward, I am bound and determined to get back on the golden path though.

Again, I can't even come close to thanking all of you enough. Y'all have made such a huge difference in my recovery. I wish I could think of a word that would sum up how my heart feels, but there aren't any words that would do it justice.

BTW, I think some of you may remember that I got a bunch of Naltrexone a few weeks ago, I took some but didn't like the side effects and stopped. Well, piss on the side effects.....if me and my wife see me going 'off the rails' again I'm going to start the Naltrexone.

Ladderflipper, (((((BIG HUGS))))) right back at ya sister. Ah hell, (((((BIG HUGS))))) for EVERYBODY!! Come on y'all, group hug!!.....Hey!! Who's hand is that on my ass......damn it Mike, stop being such a goofball and get your hand off my ass!! :lol:


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 10:45 am 
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is this where we sing Kumbayah??? :) I feel the same way about posting here .. people here are just amazing.

My dr wrote me a script for naltroxene and I didnt get it filled cuz I was afraid of taking it with the suboxone... does it do anything to help??

My youngest son is also a recovering heroine addict and he had a naltroxene implant put into him ( coleman institute did them this was years ago) basically my impression is that is blocked the ability to get high on opiates, he just went to meth after that implant till it wore off ( sigh he is sober now though that was many years ago) , but they did do a rapid detox before the implant.

Guess I will have to confess to my doc that I didnt get that one filled, I am sure he will get over it though :):)

Hang tough.......................be kind to yourself ;) we are all one hit away from relapsing


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 11:04 am 
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mg113,

I don't know WTF your doctor was thinking? Naltrexone is a pure opiate antagonist.....it CAN NOT be used with sub!!!! Naltrexone occupies all of your opiate receptors without stimulating them, no other opiates get through, I'm not completely sure if it would bump the sub off of your receptors, but if it did you would be in for a hell of a ride. It's called Precipitated Withdrawal....worst wd imaginable!!

The only reason I'm considering Naltrexone is because, by now, I have no opiates left in my system. The Naltrexone does not do anything for cravings, but it would block the effect of any opiates I took because it would have all those receptors already occupied.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 11:14 am 
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The way my dr worded it to me about the naltroxene was "it might make you sick but at 2mg it shouldnt). I was at 2mg when he gave me the script lol, he did tell me to call him if I had a reaction. Anytime my dr says IT MIGHT MAKE YOU SICK I just yea yea yea him and tore up the script. I am always the one who gets all side effects of meds so ..............from what I read about it I didnt see the need to take it right now


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 11:38 am 
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the other thing I just remembered is my dr asking me if I can take tramadol... he mentioned something about he was going to prescribe that to me for when I jumped. when I went from methadone to subs he kept me off methadone for 3 full weeks and gave me morphine pills (you read that right) and plenty of them to be sure I wouldnt have that awful withdrawal thing and I still ended up in the hospital coming off the methadone.


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 Post subject: YAY ROMEO!!!
PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 12:37 pm 
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You turned the ship around!! You did it, and that's incredibly hard to do. Very, very impressive indeed.

Thank God you were able to stop before you had to go through a bunch of nasty w/d symptoms or worse. I'm so relieved!! I got up and checked this thread immediately. I was just so worried about u.

laddertipper

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 6:00 pm 
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Grrr.....I don't know what it is about yesterday afternoon and the afternoon today, but some kind of wave of Yuck hits me? Yesterday wasn't too bad. I remember my counselor talking to me about HALT(Hungry, Angry, Lonely Tired) so I grabbed a small bag of Dorito's yesterday afternoon, a little while later I felt fine. I tried that same trick today and my body just wasn't buying it. Today's Yuck was a bit different......almost like a low grade fever was kicking in. Sore muscles in my back, skin feels a little weird and some slight nausea. I took two advil over an hour ago and the soreness in my back is better, but I still feel off.

I'm not going to sit here and lie, my brain knows that some opiates would make all that crap go away and it crossed my mind to do just that....but I don't have any at my disposal and I honestly wouldn't walk 20 feet to go get some. If they were sitting here in front of me......Yeah, I'd be in trouble, but they're not and I'm not expending any kind of energy whatsoever to go get some. Like another member told me, I may have woken the sleeping dragon.....I gotta learn how to put that dude back to sleep. I don't think he's fully awake, I'm sure if I play my cards right he'll go back to sleep after a week or two.

OK, 5pm!! We're going out to eat tonight, Yay for me!!


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 6:16 pm 
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Yup thats the addiction trying to take over your body and your world.................. I never heard of HALT but that makes sense, gonna remember that one when I need it.

Hang in there.................your bad ass so you will get thru this. Do hot baths work for you ( they do me some days I take 3-4 if I need to)
maybee dinner out will help!!!

I pulling for you!!!!!


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 6:42 pm 
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Romeo....man I didn't believe this post when I first saw it. But like someone else said relapse is part of recovery and addiction. Don't be too hard on yourself. That situation you described...holy hell. That's a lethal combination. What kind of A-hole comes up and puts pills in the hands of a recovering addict? Man, pisses me right off.

More importantly this is a chance for you to realize once again how valuable your clean time is. The grass always seems greener right? I think all of us who are clean sometimes remember our time on pills more fondly than they really were. At least now you hav a very recent memory of what being on pills is like...and it's not awesome!

Be strong and end this thing now! You don't want to go back down that loooooong road again. stop it now and you can go back to being clean. You're the man Romeo..you can do it.


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