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 Post subject: relapse...
PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2011 7:38 am 
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Hi Romeo,

I'm glad you wrote to us and told us what is going on with you. I want to say a few things...and I hope you know me enough by now to know that I will say this with all due respect and care from one addict to another...and one who has relapsed herself three major times.

One thing is, it's great you didn't go back out for 2 years....and really get into a huge mess....I mean you could lose your family, lose your job, and more importantly, lose your life. THis disease has three outcomes: Jails, institutions or death. That is the truth. I had a client last year, an attorney who had 11 treatments, 3 dui's (alcoholic) and the judge wanted to make an example out of him and sent him to jail for 8 months. He had just started making real progress as far as getting out of his denial, too. By the time he got out of jail he was very angry....after all h e'd been through, plus losing his license to practice law and losing a lucrative practice, he told me that he didn't think he was an alcoholic. When I told him that the three outcomes of this disease are jails, institutions or death he said to me "Bullshit". Now, that was the scary part because his disease had taken over again....he tried controlled drinking, worked out an agreement with his wife that he would only drink at certain times, etc etc etc...and it of course didn't work. He had already given himself permission while in jail to go back to drink again...he had no one there to bounce off these addict ideas....

The point of that example is this, Romeo, and I've said it before to you: you gave yourself permission to use a long time ago....maybe when that guy came to your office, maybe before that....I am betting that you probably acted this out in another form first, before you actually used pills....and do you remember me asking you a while back to review your life over the previous month or so, maybe longer, and see what areas you have been vulnerable, upset, triggered...what are the feelings that bring you back to drugs? For example for me it is loneliness. If I move to a new town, don't have support or know anyone...I am very very vulnerable to relapse. I know this and have to make sure I get to a meeting right away when I move, make friends, get a support system. When I am angry or have a loss that really affects me I am triggered to use. However, this is less likely on Sub right now because I do not have any cravings on Sub and even when I am upset, while on Sub, I find that I am unlikely to start to think about using as my "fall back" thinking.

You said two things that concern me: One is something you've said over and over....and that is "I am doing pretty good for this being my first stint in recovery." Ok, that might be true....but to me it really sounds more like you are expecting to relapse and that it is ok because relapse is a part of this disease. We all hear that anyway. And while that is true, and it CAN be a part of the disease, many of us, especially in early sobriety, think to ourselves "Hey, I am offered up one or two relapses....because it is a part of this disease...so that means I can maybe use again". I thought this when I first got out of treatment. I was craving, didn't really understand much about my disease, or myself, or my cravings...and I remember thinking "Well, they expect me to relapse...they say it is a part of this disease...awesome, I can use!". And of course I did.

Another thing you said that concerns me is that you've used the term "had things under control" several times as well. Againk, what it makes me think is that you believe you have control over this. That this is a disease of willpower. And it is not. While we do make choices...we are unable to do so once we are in the middle of it all. Once we are hooked back in it is much more difficult to stop. When we are in recovery...we make choices everyday that concern this disease. Do we pick up today? Do we go to a meeting? Do we get a therapist? Do we spend time with others, get out of our heads, do we ruminate and hole up? Do we go to work? etc etc. Once the denial kicks in we are out of choices. To me it is always an amazing gift when someone stops the insanity of using and comes back to recovery. It is truly a miracle in my opinion. So I believe God or the universe or whomever you believe in has given you another chance. And I hope you take that opportunity to really look at what is going on in your life. Why are you allowing yourself permission to use? What doors have you left open that allows that addict thinking back in? I hope you can hear what I said above, that one of those doors that you've left open is that you are doing pretty darn good for your first time...and I hope you can hear what I'm' saying...that it sounds like permission to me. Does that make sense?

I am not here to tell you what to do...but obviously something needs to be different. And I'm not trying to sound harsh. I only say this like this because I think you know me well enough to know that I care if you relapse, or die, or lose your family....and I've been there. I am not judging you nor am I feeling superior in anyway. My god, I am an addict as well, and one who has relapsed and lost so much. I just want to point out what I see...because when we are in it it is impossible for us to see it....denial is a strong defense mechanism. We justify, rationalize so well. I will tell you that when I had those five years clean and sober in 2000-2006 I still had cravings....they were very strong for the first 3 years (was not on sub or methadone at that time)...so strong that when I found out I needed sinus surgery I remember part of me thinking "Yippee...I get to take vicodin 'legally'" and when I thought that I didn't tell anyone I thought that. I kept it to myself. So even though I didn't have surgery for another several months after that....I had already given myself permission to use. And I did. My husband at the time was doling out the postop pain pills...and hiding them. I still found them. I'm like a dog sniffing out a cat when I am using. I can find opiates anywhere, I swear. But do you see what I mean by giving yourself permission to use? We have to close every door....and some of those doors are very tricky...we don't recognize that they are there. It takes really doing some work in understanding ourselves, our vulnerabilities, our triggers...to figure it out.

So ask yourself this: Where have you been vulnerable lately? Emotionally, physically, spiritually....
Review your life over the past 4 months or so....what feeling are you running from? loneliness, boredom, anger, guilt, shame, fear? and if you are angry what is underneath is usually fear....

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us, trusting us by telling the truth. Secrets keep us sick. They get bigger and bigger...so that took a lot of courage Romeo. And as much as I want to say 'don't worry, it will get better' I can't in good conscience say that...because if we don't make a decision while our brains have no opiates in them, to make some changes in our lives, whatever those changes need to be, we might die. So I encourage you to really figure this out...get some help from a therapist...one who gets addiction. Go to meetings if you can/want. I know you aren't into them but another thing I hear from you Romeo is that you are in your head a lot. And its dangerous for us because our best thinking by ourselves got us here. I love having the wisdom of a group of people who have recovery and different experiences....it keeps me going...and it allows me to grow.

I hope you don't get angry about this post to you and it is not meant to be harsh....but sometimes we have to just say it to each other. And the fact you are writing about it here means you want help with this. You are reaching out, and others will learn from your experience. In meetings we tell our story by saying what it was like, what happened and what it is like now...the solutions we have found. I am only giving you my solutions...my opinions. You can read it and then decide if it is your truth or not. I could be totally full of shit about this...but I'll put it out there and then the rest is up to you.

You can do this. I am concerned for you....have you thought about going back on Sub for a while? Until you work through what is going on, learn new tools etc? YOu have a huge history of use. You've said that. So this won't go away overnight...and your relapse is an opportunity to learn and grow. Remember, relapse is NOT failure. Like you told me the only fairlure is if you didn't return to recovery....

Take care,
China


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PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2011 9:34 am 
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China,

Are you kidding me?? Why in the world would I be mad at you?? Again, I see the love and compassion for a fellow addict all throughout your reply.

Actually, it's one of your very first replies to me where I understood every single word you said to me, some of your replies to me have gone completely over my head, but this one.....I understand everything you're saying.

I'll touch on a few things where I really agree with you. I figured relapse was part of recovery, no doubt about it. I don't know as I was actively seeking out a relapse, but when the proper conditions presented themselves to me, away I went!!

The "I had things under control" statement is true as well. One of my biggest problems is that I think I'm a pretty sharp guy and I USED to believe that I was clever enough to use wisely......holy shit....did I ever just make myself laugh typing that out.....thinking it was one thing, but when I just typed it out it was like all of a sudden the dang light bulb just came on again.

I also thought I was clever enough to figure this recovery business out on my own too. Apparently, it's more complex and requires a lot more work than I was putting forth. I have already decided to start attending meetings, it's just that going to that first one is so damn nerve racking. I'm not familiar with the city I have to drive to to go to the meting. I've never been to a meeting, don't know what the heck to expect. blah, blah, blah. But I'm going!!

You asked where I was vulnerable lately, the one that really jumped out at me is BOREDOM!! I get bored extremely easily. I've got to do a better job at keeping myself busy. I probably need to introduce some more structure into my free time.

Chinagirl, I am SO not angry with your post or with you. I am very happy to finally understand everything you said to me actually!! :D

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 Post subject: So sorry
PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2011 2:17 pm 
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Oh, my dear Romeo, I hadn't been on this forum for a few because I'm going through some things of my own. I have developed an infection on the stub where my sutures were from the amputation and I had to go back on painkillers and go on antibiotics. I made the transition back to Subs so well that I really didn't want painkillers. But, I will have to do what I have to do and pray this infection doesn't bring serious problems and heals quickly.

Now, to you. You know how I feel about you. So, you messed up, so what? I did too, 3 times. You would be the first one to tell me not to beat myself up about it.

As the old song says. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off & start all over again. Go back on Subs for a while or do what you think is best for you at this point but please, please don't let it bring you down & depress you because you're only going to use to mask those guilt feelings.

I trust & believe in you. It's a new day. The past is past. Put it behind you, pick your head up & KEEP GOING FORWARD.

I Will be praying for you and you know I am here for you anytime.

Love you, Queenie


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 Post subject: My Turn
PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2011 2:19 pm 
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Hey Romeo,

There's not much left to say after all the great responses you got so far. What I will say is, obviously you have all our support here on this forum, but it isn't enough. Meetings is my best answer for a successful recovery, and I am saying it to myself too because I've been sitting on my addict butt the last few months knowing I should be going to meetings regularly. I too am in a new town and feel a wee bit uncomfortable in them. You might want to PM some others to see if anyone here lives close to you. Then you'd have a meeting buddy to go with you. It's doubtful but worth a try. If you live in Las Vegas, I'm your man!

For now I'd just concentrate on staying clean and sober doing the "Just for Today" thing. Think long and hard about going back on Sub, but I think I know your answer to that one. I don't even know what's in store for me down the road after I jump so I can't tell you anything about the recovery end until I get there myself.

Go forward my friend and learn from your mistakes. Good job posting all about it, clean that wound out.


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PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2011 4:01 pm 
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Romeo, you wrote this:

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I don't know as I was actively seeking out a relapse, but when the proper conditions presented themselves to me, away I went!!


This statement really jumped out at me. Look at how passive you seem here. Like you didn't have any part in setting up the conditions that led to your relapse, like you didn't have any choice(s) in the matter.

We are agents of our own lives. Every day we are making choices, series of choices, that determine where we go, how our relationships function, how we will react to given situation. Not everything is in our control, but we can be in control of so much when it comes to being aware of what's going on inside ourselves (our emotional landscape) and how we will react, how we will choose.

Were you practicing healthy boundaries in your relationship with your friend (the one that triggered this relapse)? Were you getting into emotional territory that was rich with red flags, but you chose to ignore them? Were you aware, from past experience, of how the loss of a friendship could effect you emotionally? Did you do work around those issues in your recovery? Are you doing work on those issues now?

Maybe you never thought you would see an old using-buddy again, but I doubt that the thought never crossed your mind. Did you have a plan in place? Could you have sent someone else out to give him the boxes, knowing how messed up you were and knowing that he might have drugs? Did you have an opportunity to say no? Have you been working on a plan for what you will do when you run into this situation again?

I'm worried after reading the last few posts of yours in this thread. I see your defenses going up. I wonder if you are crossing over from "not beating yourself up" to "not taking this seriously enough." It's hard to have a bunch of people get on your case, analyze you, give you their advice and opinions. I'm sure if it was me, I wouldn't like it. It might make me dig in my heels, think to myself: Look, I KNOW I effed up. I KNOW that I have to get back on track.

And that's great, knowing that you need to get back on track, knowing that using was a mistake. The challenge is knowing what and where and when your OTHER mistakes happened. You can't break a pattern until you can see it.

I hope you realize that the depth and quality of the responses in this thread indicates how well liked and respected you are on this forum. Otherwise, people wouldn't bother. You are loved. I know it's hard to hear these things but I hope you are keeping your heart open here. We're here for you.

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PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2011 7:36 pm 
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Thank you all again.

DoaQ, that was very difficult for me to read some of what you wrote....because of the truths. Thanks, I needed it.

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PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2011 10:08 pm 
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Hey Romeo -

I just read over my last post and realized that it comes off kinda...bitchy. Or at least more aggressive than I wanted it to sound. I was writing it at work so I was trying to hurry up and get my thoughts down before a customer came in and before I forgot what my insights were.

Anyway, you know I love you, right? Sorry for the lecture. Usually I prefer trying to lead people around to seeing things on their own, in their own way. I hope my bluntness didn't hurt too much. Please know that I'm not sitting here on high handing out judgements - all of that stuff I wrote comes from personal experience in dealing with my own messed-up head. I will work on a more compassionate delivery next time.

For what it's worth, all of my best friends have said to me at one time or another: "You know, when I first met you, I thought you were a real bitch."

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PostPosted: Mon May 23, 2011 11:03 am 
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Of course I know you still love me you silly thing. Ugh, I love you too.

Listen, it hurt to read some of it, but I need to hear it. I've been lazy in my recovery and I now see that VERY clearly. I'm going to my first ever meeting tonight and I'm actually now to the point of almost being excited about it, still a little nervous, but excited to start working a better recovery.

It hurt like hell to read some of what you guys posted to me, but y'all got me to a much better place in my thinking by saying what you did.

Thank you all for caring enough to offer up your support and advice, I appreciate it GREATLY!!

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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2011 12:11 pm 
Hey Romeo! Your honesty is admirable and you've already gotten a lot of great support and advice on this thread. We are fortunate to have several members here who are able to give their sound advice and share what they've learned along the way. A lot of the ones here that I personally admire the most are those who have been exactly where you/I have been or are right now. They are able to understand what we're going through because they have been there themselves....in some cases, more than once. We have to listen to what they're saying!
You know that I am not at all going to point my finger at anyone who is struggling. I am struggling myself, after all! When it comes to my addiction, it's real difficult for me to be honest with myself sometimes, much less anyone else. I am realizing that I have a tendency to tell people what I think they want to hear, even when it comes to disclosing something like a relapse. I even tend to try to 'sugarcoat' that. I'll tell myself and others that "I have learned something valuable" every time I slip up and that "I'll never make that mistake again," etc. I'm starting to kind of realize that a lot of that is BS, and furthermore, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I almost feel like I'm just making more excuses for my bad choices. I lie to myself, I think kind of like you have.....try to tell myself that I can mess around with pills now and then and still be okay.....basically that I can use without consequences. Another load of BS! Other times I honestly just feel so powerless over this thing that I give up and try to tell myself that this is just the way my life is going to be......a series of slips and lapses and relapses until I truly do wind up in a gutter somewhere.
I have also had an underlying feeling (as hard as it is to admit) that I am somehow 'different'......that maybe I can outsmart this disease in a way that others can't. How ridiculous does that sound?
Bottom line....I've been playing a losing game for several years now. When I first got on Sub, I had a new lease on life. I thought I had found the answer and I did really well for a good while. Over time, however, the Sub began to not 'work' quite as well and I have dealt with cravings and brief lapses off and on ever since. I don't like being on Sub and I have wanted off of it since the beginning and almost got completely off. All that did for me was show me that on the lower doses of Sub, I could 'break through' it if I had enough oxy or hydro to take. So I would try that when given any access to drugs...sometimes it would 'work' and sometimes it wouldn't. All I have done by doing this is screw my poor brain up even worse!
I know that my thinking has been 'off.' I hope that you can see that yours has been too....It sounds like you totally get that. I know that like me, you want off this rollercoaster. I know neither of us enjoy withdrawal! And I know that, again like me, you struggle with the mental/mood aspects of withdrawal too. Even though I know that using just messes me up worse, I have continued to try to do it. Somehow I manage to tell myself that all I'm doing is taking a little break, enjoying feeling a little high for a change, no big deal. Again, that is BS and I know it, and I pay the price afterward. I can't get out of my guilt and my shame because I keep perpetuating it! I hate my addiction, yet I continue to feed it.
I think we both, as well as anyone else out there who is struggling with relapse or bouncing back and forth with Sub and other drugs, have to be willing to try something different. For me, it's going to be starting some intensive therapy. My first appointment is tomorrow. I have got to dig deeper to learn what it is that is fueling this for me. I've already lost so much to this thing. It has literally turned my life upside down. The one thing that has survived by the grace of God, is my family. I really do not want to lose anymore! The consequences of continuing on this way are huge for me. It's time for me to get real serious about this. And I feel it is for you as well. We have to be willing to do whatever it takes to stop this cycle.
I believe that you have relit the fire of your addiction bigtime. Everytime that I have used something I'm not supposed to, I have done the same thing and I know if I keep it up, I'll have another inferno on my hands. I don't think I've said anything here that others haven't already said. But I want you know that I'm pretty sure I know where you're at, Romeo. I'm here with you. We each have a good life and a lot to stay sober for. At the same time, I know that all of that leaves my mind when I've got pills in my hand. We simply cannot have pills in our hands!! I don't know what that will take for you to accomplish, but I'm working on that aspect on my end. I encourage you to do the same....find a way to rid yourself of "friends" who give you access to drugs. I hope you've been able to make a meeting like you had planned. Based upon how things go with this therapist I'm seeing tomorrow, I may decide to return to meetings myself.
Mostly, know that you have my support and that I understand how you must feel. I pray that you've been able to stay away from pills since you've been in withdrawal.....that is very hard to do! Keep being honest....brutally, painfully honest. I wish I had been more honest along the way.....perhaps then I would have gotten more help sooner. But I'm alive, so there's still hope! Same for you!
I believe we can both do this if we don't give up. I know I've written a novel (again!) You know I'm here for you!


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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2011 1:21 pm 
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setmefree,

Thank you so very much.

I did go to a meeting last night and I LOVED it!!! The people there were SO kind and friendly it blew me away. I met 4 new friends, we were able to get to know each other quickly before the meeting started. They knew it was my very first meeting ever and they had a good time laughing at me for being so lost during the whole meeting. The 5 of us had some great laughs, again, at my expense!!

It was astounding to listen to the people in the room as it became their turn to talk. They're all like me. They have the same concerns. They fight the same demons. They stuggle at times like I do. We're all addicts and it's so comforting to know that I'm not fighting this disease alone, they're all helping me, we're all helping each other by sharing.

It was an amazing experience for me.

My favorite part of the meeting was when the guy hosting the meeting said something about "who wants to give it up" and all of a sudden my new friends started saying "give it up Ron", "give it up Ron", "give it up Ron" and I didn't have a clue as to what they were talking about. One of my friends said, "give up drugs Ron" and I said of course. The whole room busted out into applause, I went up and got my keychain, got some hugs and on my way back to my chair one of my new friends stood up and gave me a hug.......Holy Smokes man......I was just blown away by the kindness and concern for me and my recovery.

I'm going to hit another meeting tonight. It's an NA meeting, but it's run by a different group and I'd like to check out a few different meetings anyway.

setmefree, we WILL make it through this. I'm pretty confident that you working with a therapist is going to help you a lot. As always, I am praying for you and I'm here for you too.

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 Post subject: excellent!
PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 10:21 am 
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I'm really glad your first meeting was a positive experience. It isn't always that way and many people run away from meetings after that. Remember that it's the message that counts, not the messenger. You may attend meetings that don't feel as loving or as positive...and I'd hate for you to stop going if that occurs. Just keeping checking out different meetings and then make the one you feel the most comfortable in your "home" group. I'd recommend getting a temporary sponsor right away. Those who do that do better overall....the sponsorship thing is hard for some of us at first. Reaching out, calling someone when we aren't doing well...the thing is when you call them, they get better, too. It helps all of us to reach out and talk. The thing that saves me is when I am helping someone else...not thinking about me.

It takes courage to go to a first meeting...so congratulations for that! In my own experience when I've quit going to meetings is when I always ended up relapsing. Even after those five years clean and sober....I stopped going to meetings, told everyone I was going to church instead (which I was) and I did do a lot of volunteer work in the community, but I got away from the things I needed to be doing in my recovery...working the steps...and for me, working the steps is what was/is life changing. After the first time working through the steps I got rid of a lot of the shame that had been with me my whole life. I learned to forgive and most importantly, I learned that I have a part in everything that happens. (I'm not talking about childhood abuses, etc...). Once I realized I had a part in everything my victim stance in life started to change. I was no longer a victim of what everyone else was doing to me.....I was doing it to myself. I was the common denominator...it was hard to admit it, but it was the truth. And when i finally got that I started to get better.

And I don't always agree with what is said in meetings, nor do I like everyone there. But it doesn't matter...I don't have to act out what I feel all the time, you know? And I can have respect for someone that goes and not have to judge them for how they do their program.

Oh, I wanted to say something else about sponsorship to you....what is "normal" is that we can choose a temporary sponsor....have someone to call and talk to while we get oriented in AA/NA...that person may not end up being your "real" sponsor...and that is ok. It's that having someone to call when things get bad or we get into our heads is important. And its ok to change sponsors....we do it all the time. It's like having a therapist....its important to have a good fit..someone you can trust. I just fired my sponsor last month...She'd been my sponsor in my new town for the past 4 months but her behavior, to me, has been too drama, not recovery oriented. And it wasn't making me feel good to be around her. So I gently told her I was going to get a different sponsor.

Ok, now I sound like I'm telling you want to do....I'm really just trying to encourage you to continue going and to do some of the things that work for me...that's it..just my own experience. I always tell anyone new to recovery that is going to meetings to "surround yourself with people who have what you want" and I do the same.

Glad you took this step, Romeo. It's out of your comfort zone I know but it's also growth and courage, open mindedness and willingness. Good job!


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PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 10:27 am 
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I hit another meeting last night, it was a totally different crowd, it was good. Not quite as good as the first one I went to, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I have committed myself to hitting a meeting every night (except Sunday) for the next two weeks. That'll give me at least two visits to the different meetings and the different groups of people that I've been encountering, then I'll decide on a home group.

Yeah, I wish I would have started attending meetings a long time ago. I'm picking up a lot, already feeling more comfortable with myself and who I am by knowing there are so many others out there who experience what I do on a day to day basis. To go from feeling like you're some kind of oddball to knowing that there's a mess of people out there just like you is an amazing feeling!!

Peace Y'all!!

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 Post subject: Wow
PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 11:16 pm 
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That is some of the best news I've read in a long time Romeo. Just to hear the excitement of the first meeting and feeling welcome, etc., brings me back to my old meetings too.

And I have been lax in getting my butt back into a meeting schedule so your post kind of kicked me in the arse to get a move on.

It is so great to hear this stuff, keep it coming.


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PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 11:52 pm 
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Hey Rule,

I'm glad my post was a kick in the ass for ya. It would appear that we addicts all need a good kick in the ass from time to time!! :D

I hit my third different meeting tonight. It was my second favorite one so far. There were a couple of people there tonight who were at last nights meeting.

Looking forward to meeting number four tomorrow!!

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 Post subject: Huge, Huge WOW!
PostPosted: Thu May 26, 2011 1:08 am 
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Romeo, words cannot describe how incredibly happy and relieved I am for you and how PROUD I am of you!!! You know I've been wanting you to give them a try, and I understood your reluctance completely. That was a huge hurdle to jump over, but once you got that first meeting in your pocket, just like I hoped and prayed, you knew you were welcomed and wanted and not alone in this. I think having this in your life now will keep helping you in more ways than you can even imagine. You are going to inspire other people too, which is a pretty damn cool thought. In all seriousness, hearing this from you makes me smile from ear to ear like a big goofball. You're a wonderful, kind person, Romeo, and people want you around. I am beyond excited that you are going to start seeing how true that is.

Thanks for making my month!! ((HUGS)) Buddy!!

laddertipper

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First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald


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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2011 1:19 pm 
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Romeo, I'm really glad you found a meeting or two that you like and people with whom you identify. IME that makes a huge impact on recovery.
I have been hesitant to respond because of my own recent experiences. I feel like I could have written setmefree's last post myself, because I identify with it SO much. I find myself stuck in a cycle. I want to get down to a lower dose or off of Sub because of the side effects (for me, excessive sleeping, fogginess and inability to lose weight), then when I taper down to a low dose I either crave drugs or I use. My husband just had surgery, and yes, I did help myself to his pain pills - mostly unsuccessfully because I'm still on Sub. But one day I did take enough to get just a bit of "that feeling".....

Like smf said, I don't want to sugarcoat it and say, I learned so much, etc. All I really learned is that I still want to use, and Sub has given me enough distance from the painful memories that the idea seems appealing again.
I've been on Sub for almost 18months now, and I really haven't worked actively on my recovery. The truth is, I'm on the fence. I know it sounds horrible, and not what I "should" be saying here, but that is the honest truth for me right now.

Romeo, thanks for letting me share on your thread. I hope your recovery is growing stronger as you work your new program.
Blessings,
Lilly


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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2011 1:51 pm 
Romeo....I'm so glad you're enjoying and growing in your recovery with the meetings! I am just sure that if you're to be successful in staying away from drugs, it will take more than just the "want to." We've all got to be working through our issues and dig as deep as we must and do whatever it takes to stay out of the vicious cycle of addiction.

Lillyval....Thanks for your honesty about relating so much to my post. I have been thinking about you lately and have meant to get in touch and see how you've been doing. It means a lot to know that I'm not alone in my struggles. Of course, I hate it for you! I would wish this on no one! But as we both have admitted.....if we don't face the truth and tell the truth, the cycle just continues on and on. I would love to be able to sit here and say, "I've got it figured out now. I'll never let it happen again" and so on. But I know that given access, I would probably try it again...and again...and again. I don't want it to, but I know it will. Because, as of yet, I have not found my way out of this......not there is an "out," but I do still believe that I can find and embrace long-term recovery. I ain't givin' up!!
I had my first therapy appointment last week and I feel very good about it. I liked the therapist very much and I believe that she can help me uncover and work through whatever it is that is driving my addiction. All I know right now is that there has never been anything in my life that has had such a stronghold on me, or changed who I know I am so profoundly. And I know that I am truly in the fight of my life. So.....I'm hanging on for another day. I am on a therapeutic dose of Sub and I have upped my Celexa (also to a more therapeutic dose of 40mg/day) and I am feeling much, much better right now than I have in a good while.
Romeo and Lilly and all you others here who are struggling to stay off opiates....Let's keep working on this together. I know that I certainly need all the encouragement that I can get! And all the prayers I can get, too! You all have mine!


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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2011 3:42 pm 
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Well, I was going to update this thread Sunday after something happened to me, but I didn't and I'm not even sure why?? Anyway, here it is.....my wife's family came over Sunday for Memorial Day and one of the people who came had some coke AND some pills......my two biggest nemesis's (nemesis' ? what the hell is the plural of nemesis???), he offered me both, even though he knows I'm in recovery......I said No Thanks and it honest to God didn't bother one bit all afternoon. He was there all afternoon and into the evening, but I didn't crave. I had already made up my mind that I wasn't going to use and that was that!!

Going to meetings has helped a lot, but the thing that really broke me, as far as another relapse, was the events of the last few weeks on this thread. I was honest about my use, my second relapse, and some of the members really let me have it. I mean I got a good couple of whacks upside my head and that was EXACTLY what I needed to bring my recovery to the next level. I wasn't being honest with myself.......

So, that brings me to Lilly and SetMeFree.......you're honesty inspires me!! I am SOOOOO proud of both of you for being honest and open about the issues you are still dealing with. I know it's scary for you guys to feel like you do. Shit man, I don't know what I'm trying to say to you guys. I think I'm trying to tell you to continue being honest, face your demons, when your demons start to win, share it with someone. Talking about it helps, it seems to take power away from it.

Remember, I worked pretty closely with a counselor for the 3 years I was on Suboxone. Admitting to someone else that you have a problem is hard as hell. You two have NO idea how in awe I am you, I know how painful it is to speak like you guys just did.

Goodness gracious, I'm all over the map with this reply?? I want to be able to say the perfect words to help you both, but I don't know what the perfect words are??

I know my recovery has been a process. It started 4 years ago when I got on Suboxone and it continues to this day, it's work....hard work. I've made progress, but it has been hard won.

Listen, I love you both and I pray for all you guys regularly!! Please, whatever you do, don't give up!!

Thank you both for sharing.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 13, 2011 6:35 pm 
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yikes, you still have the obsession of your mind? thats sucks, at least your doing good now. thought of trying AA/NA?? helping me with that obsession of my mind! of course relapses happen, if your ass falls off, pick it back up and keep on going.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 13, 2011 6:49 pm 
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Hi spike!!

Welcome to the forum and thanks for the encouragement!!

Yep, I've been hitting NA meetings for 3 weeks now. I pick up my 30 day key chain this Saturday!!!

I've always been obsessive, I just didn't realize it.....hell, I thought everyone obsessed over shit like I did?? Now that I know I'm obsessive, I can be more mindful of those thoughts and I continue to work at minimizing their effects.

The thing that really pisses me off is that I had almost made it to the 1 year mark before I screwed up, but after attending NA for this short while I have already learned that MANY addicts face this same dilemma around the 1 year mark. (relapse)

To me, it was a learning experience. I learned how little respect I had for my addiction and that sucker bit me on the butt!!

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