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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 6:49 pm 
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Wow, check out all the love in this thread. What a perfect example of what the forum is meant to be. Sweet.

Romeo, hang in there - it sounds like you're maybe having some "withdrawals", perhaps more mental than physical but annoying and triggering anyway. I bet a brisk walk or a hundred sit-ups would help with those feelings. :D

Keep us posted & enjoy dinner.

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 8:47 pm 
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mg, thanks a lot bud. I appreciate your support very much.

hawker, yeah the timing of the situation was just ridiculous. Here I'm basically feeling wrecked by what has just happened with my friend at work, then this old drug dealer friend shows up and he's packing heat. Bad, bad, bad timing man. BTW, my wife deleted his number from my received calls log and she also deleted a mess of old 'contacts' that I had in my phone from years and years ago. I had actually totally forgot that they were all in there. I don't know where this guy lives anymore, I have no idea how to contact him and that helps a lot. The only thing that worries me is if he calls again, so me and my wife have been practicing what to do and say if he calls. As long as I'm prepared I have a much better shot at saying no, it's when I get caught off guard that I'm in trouble. It may sound silly, but just having my wife call me and pretend to be an 'old friend' trying to get me to screw up and me having to stand my ground and tell them no, I'm not going there......it's helped a lot.

Diary of a Quitter, I came home feeling ok, not great. I had decided not to go on my walk tonight because it was raining, I skipped my walk last night because I didn't feel like going......I have been doing my walking faithfully since the beginning of the month. Anyway, after reading your post, I decided a walk was a better option than the 1000 sit-ups, even though it was raining outside and I got SOAKED on my walk. I still felt good when I got home!!

The love and support on this thread, and many others, IS what makes this forum great!!


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 8:52 am 
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See you hung in there, did something about it ( walked) and survived CUZ YOU ARE BADASS ........ we are all going to have good day,bad days and really bad days ........but the upside is the bad days do pass.........


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 11:08 am 
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Romeo,

Good for you for posting on the forum and talking about this...I had been a bit worried about you from your previous post and some of the feelings you were having...you're not alone and as some others have been honest about, many of us relapse. What counts is getting back on the road to recovery and not allowing a relapse to continue to defeat us. We beat ourselves up enough...and I hope you will not do that to yourself now. Relapse is an opportunity, not a failure. I've said that many times and I believe it. Remember 2 1/2 months ago or so when i took some benzos....I feel lucky that I had the forum to come to for support and that I didn't stay out there continuing in the relapse. It's hard to admit when we do this but thankfully you were able to. You said to me the only failure is not coming back...and that is the truth. You can take this time and sit back and look at what's been happening in your life besides that work r/s that has you needing to cover up your feelings. You know all of that, I know but this relapse is a chance to find out more about you, and what you need in your life, your recovery...all of it...

You said something to me after that benzo incident a couple weeks later...that you were impressed (or some similar word) that I was able to admit it and move on...so I want you to take that advice as well...and keep moving forward. Try not to dwell negatively because that will do nothing but cause shame. Do the things you know that work for you...so even if you don't want to walk do it anyway! You know you will feel better. I know how hard that is believe me. And you know I'm into AA and all of that....for me it works because it gets me out of my head. And that is what I mean when I talk about addicts not being able to do this thing alone. Not that we shouldn't meditate, or that we don't know ourselves enough, or any of that. A spiritual walk is not alone, either....it is with some higher power. For me it is God. I don't know what you feel spiritually, but I do know that we cannot remain clean and sober by ourselves. I BELIEVE THAT, i'm not just preaching it to you, Romeo! One time, many years ago in the middle of a relapse when I was working in Texas I remember going to talk to a pastor...I lied to him about my relapse. I was using vicodin again...I'd stopped going to meetings, stopped talking to a sponsor, didn't have to do ua's for work any more...I had no accountability really...and yet I was stuck....again....but I did tell the pastor I had been an addict, just left out the part that I had some pills in my pocket right then...hmmmm..hard to get better when lying....but he said something to me that was very abrupt but the truth. I had been moaning about my discontent...and he said "Hey, it's hard to stay sober being selfish....why don't you get out there and work at a soup kitchen, or do something to help someone else." I remember feeling the sting of that comment...but the reason it stung was because he was right. I was back in my discontented attitude, poor me, because I was doing nothing but thinking about me! That's never a pretty picture, believe me.

I am not saying you are full of self pity or anything like that...All I am saying is sometimes getting out of our heads is better then even trying to figure stuff out, you know? And I do not know what kind of recovery program you have...my guess is that, since you said you hadn't seen your counselor in 7 years, that you have been struggling doing this alone. Our spouses shouldn't be our sponsors....you know? and I know your wife is very supportive and she is now saying she can't watch you do this to yourself...and that must be scary, too. Yet you can't do this for her, you know that. You do it for you! And you can do this. You are doing it. You made some great first steps...by admitting it to us, your wife...your counselor...

I am not saying that you should or need to go to AA. I believe everyone has the right to whatever recovery program they choose. My only thought is that there be a recovery program. The other things I like about AA is having a group of trusted friends that are "my people". They understand when I say I walked into work and broke open a cabinet and stole fentanyl....or that I wrote fake prescriptions...or that I never felt comfortable in my own skin my whole life.....they don't look at me in shock and disbelief...they nod their heads understanding my pain. And they help me move forward, help me find solutions for when I'm not doing well, and we won't always be doing well. Recovery is not linear straight up progress...its a switch back trail, a process, that takes time and some work. The other thing I like about AA is besides getting out of my head I also do some other internal work that I find helpful for me to heal. Looking at my resentments, writing about them, looking at my part in all of those resentments and then making amends, with help from someone who has done this work, has been immensely healing for me. Right now I am doing that fourth step again. It's the second one in my life and I've waited way too long to do it. My resentment list over the past 6 years is huge. I've had a lot of loss and pain and a lot of betrayal....and betrayal by people who I thought really knew me and understood where I was coming from. It's very painful. If I didn't do this work I think I'd remain stuck and feeling shitty, feeling bad about myself or feeling hopeless....like I couldn't change. but I know from past experience that when I do this work I get better. When I focus on me and stop bitching about people around me who aren't doing what I want that things get better. My perspective changes. You know even my childhood traumas that i've had....I've had to recently talk about them again...and it sometimes seems counterintuitive...that I'm drudging up old shit that I have no control over or can't do anything about. But the thing is talking about them and reliving it in a sense ends up being healing. Becauase what I just realized doing this work recently is that the abuser gets away with it...the victim ends up being obviously traumatized, feels shame, feels responsible...then ends up acting out in some way...like using drugs, or alcohol or whatever to feel better....then the negative behavior of the victim is what is focused on, not what the abuser did...and the abuser can just move on...the victim is stuck bearing that pain. So for me it doesn't mean confronting my abuser. I have no desire to do that actually....but in order for me to get over it I have to deal with it and part of that means changing what I'm doing in my life now...things that I do, even the subtle things, that hurt me because I'm in a sense reliving the trauma over and over in different ways until I face it. Ok, I'm going off on my own tangent and issues here....sorry about that. I am not at all saying this is YOU, Romeo! Not at all....I'm just explaining why the recovery program I have works for me. Just me...not saying you need to do the same.

My only thought for you really is to keep moving forward like you are doing...and that takes so much courage...and you've shown that courage over and over here on the forum...and not trying to do it alone...the forum is great but also finding someone you can see face to face where you live to help you...like your counselor.

How are you feeling today? Do you have cravings at all? You will get through this and you will come out stronger at the other side. Just like my saying below...we have to walk throught this stuff....its the only way out...we've tried going around! Look where that got us!!

Thanks for talking to us, Romeo...you are helping so many others by telling your honest story.


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 11:59 am 
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Hi Romeo, sorry I didn't see this thread sooner. You were put in a horrible position, and then someone shows up and hands you pain pills while you are in emotional pain. It was a worst case scenario. The important thing is you ended it before you were off and running. Now you feel kinda crappy and that little voice says opiates would make you feel better. It sure as hell isn't easy and every addict here knows it.
Remember that poem from NA, Just for today?

"Just for today I will be unafraid. My thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear."

Since I don't currently go to NA I take that to mean all of us here on this site Just keep talking to us, whether what you have to say is good or bad. For as long as it takes for you to feel strong in your recovery again, we're here for you.
Lilly


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 12:05 pm 
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Thanks guys, I really appreciate the advice and the support.

Dang it Chinagirl, you have a hell of a memory. I remember telling you those things exactly. Thanks for reminding me.

As far as seeing my counselor, it had been 7 months since I saw him, I was off Suboxone about 2 months when I stopped seeing him. I did go see him first thing Monday morning. I have another appointment already set up with him too.

Amazingly, the cravings have been very, very low. I have some, but they are so fleeting, nothing that I dwell on. The thing I find the hardest is when I know opiates are present, somewhere within easy reach, that's when the cravings get ridiculous. As long as there aren't any opiates in the house, I'm usually good to go. I also know that running into "old friends" is a MAJOR trigger, I hadn't been working on that part of my game at all......well, needless to say, I am now. It had been so long since I saw any of these 'friends', I guess I thought I would never run into them again? Yeah, I know better now.

So, I'm ready for the afternoon "blah's", I got my bag of Dorito's ready and a Coca Cola too. I got two Advil just in case I get that fever feeling too. I feel good today, yesterday I was really trying to convince myself that I wasn't experiencing any wd, but then once I got home the "bathroom issues" hit out of nowhere and I had a hell of a time sleeping last night....maybe some real weak wd? I did take a lot of pills over the weekend, like I mentioned on another thread....day 1 I was taking 1 pill at a time, day two I was taking them 2 at a time, day 3 I was taking them 3 at a time.....crazy how fast it escalated. Thinking back on my using days, it took me years to get to the point where I was taking 3 at a time. Scary shit, I know.

Thanks again everyone! I really, really appreciate everything!

I just saw your post Lilly, thanks!!


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 5:25 pm 
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Good Lord, what is it with the afternoons that makes me feel so damn crappy? It's 4:15 right now and I feel like I'm sucking pavement. I ate my frickin' Dorito's and had a small bottle of Coca Cola about an hour ago, but they ain't helping. I don't feel like using, I just don't remember this sucking pavement feeling in the afternoon and I wish my brain would knock it off. I feel fine when I get home usually?

Audioslave---Cochise just came on my radio, a great song......but it ain't even helping.

Oh well, I got 45 minutes of Yuck left then I can get the hell out of here and go home.

I guess I just needed to spout off for a minute.


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 8:26 pm 
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Romeo wrote:
Good Lord, what is it with the afternoons that makes me feel so damn crappy? It's 4:15 right now and I feel like I'm sucking pavement. I ate my frickin' Dorito's and had a small bottle of Coca Cola about an hour ago, but they ain't helping. I don't feel like using, I just don't remember this sucking pavement feeling in the afternoon and I wish my brain would knock it off. I feel fine when I get home usually?

Audioslave---Cochise just came on my radio, a great song......but it ain't even helping.

Oh well, I got 45 minutes of Yuck left then I can get the hell out of here and go home.

I guess I just needed to spout off for a minute.


Ha! I'm LMAO over here. Doritos and a coke and you feel bad? Really? C'mon my man. How about a bananna with some peanut butter and water. Bet you feel better. BTW, glad to read that you are doing better than you initially were doing. I am keeping track and reading just don't chime in as often as some. Hope yer night gets better and as always, msg me offline if need be. I got you.


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 11:20 pm 
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Hey Romeo,

I too hate the afternoons. It seems like my brain is telling me to reward it somehow. Probably because I medicated myself for 10 years when I got home from work. Got to figure out how to reward myself with something healthy.

Let me know if you think of something.

Rule62


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:00 am 
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Sounds like the Ol' Devil was busy cooking up a scheme to bring you to your knees. It was good to see you make a mistake, apologise than move on. Just keep doing the best you know how and stay honest. We may all see you in a kinder light than you see yourself for it. After all, your bad luck can sometimes save you from a worse fate...


Last edited by crooltats on Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:10 am 
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Yeah, I think a lot of us addicts and alcoholics have trouble during those late afternoon and early evening hours. I know I did. I had to go to meetings in the early evenings to get out of that funk.

You're defying the odds, Romeo, and you have a ton to live healthy for, so keep at it!!!

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First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald


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 Post subject: Re: Relapse in Progress
PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 11:08 am 
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Romeo wrote:
Anyway, what happened to her upset me pretty good for many different reasons and don't you know what happened 30 minutes after she was let go.....I got a call from an old friend (drug dealer) that I hadn't heard from in over a year. He was standing in the front lobby here at work. I went up to see him, really just to get him out of the damn building and within 30 seconds he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bottle stuffed to the rim with Lorcet, Percocet, and OC's! This guy knew I had 9.5 months off Suboxone!! Anyway, my kness buckled and I told him to give me some. He poured a bunch of Lorcet 10's into my hand and didn't ask for a dime in return.....first time he has EVER given me anything....he knew exactly what he was doing!!



I'm sorry to hear the news man.

It's really bizarre (and I know this is going to sound a bit trippy) how leading up to a relapse the universe seems to put all these coincidental events and things in your path that seem to make using appear inevitable. I've relapsed a number of times myself, be it in NA, on drug replacement, you name it, and this has always been a common feature. Phone calls outta the blue, an old flame knocking on the door offering an easy lay, bumping into your dealer the same day you read an article about a glut of pure gear on the street.

Honestly in my opinion man, if you've used for a week I wouldn't consider that a relapse. It's more than a slip, but less than a relapse. Call it a binge, or a lapse maybe. Relapse for me means I resort to all the old behaviours, and the addict blinkers are back on to the point where I once again value drugs above anything else in my life. Usually that takes more than a week for me.

What you do now is more crucial than your decision to pick up in the first place. It's a lot harder to climb out of a full blown relapse than to dust off yourself off and learn from this mistake. Keep that in mind. And don't forget how far you've come. You may have picked up, but you've still had all this time off suboxone which deserves a real pat on the back. And forget about "clean time" - it's no reflection of a healthy recovery.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 11:35 am 
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OMG jleets, you made me LMAO when I read your reply!! hahaha. What the hell am I supposed to do with a banana, stick in my ear? lol. Yeah, you busted me good though. Dorito's and a Coke.....old habits, eh. When I go home for lunch I'm going to grab a banana (I love banana's BTW, just haven't ate one in months and months) and I'm going to grab a handful of celery and carrots too. Sorry, but I ain't doing the water thing, I'm still gonna have me a nice Coca Cola, don't wanna get too healthy now! :lol:

Rule62, I had forgotten all about those 'afternoon' behaviors....you are so right. For 26 years I trained my brain for an afternoon reward. You really hit me between the eyes with that one. I am working on some things to do in the afternoons to get my mind off those old behaviors. Thanks bud.

crooltats, thanks for the insight and support man. I heard some interesting lyrics in a song this morning, "Satan profits from all of our lies", Lord knows I have lied my ass off over the years and provided Satan with plenty of profit....no more....I'm cutting him off!!

ladder, thanks again dude, it's strangely comforting to know that I'm not the only one in the world who has to endure the afternoon funk. I haven't quite brought myself to the point of meetings yet, to tell you the truth....going to a meeting intimidates me....I've never done it before. Thanks again for the support.

tearjerker, I hear ya man. Not all of the old addict behaviors got turned back on, just a couple of them and I'm working on putting them back in their place. I agree, I am at a crucial point in my recovery right now and I am trying to be extra special careful. Thanks so much for the support.

I think my lack of sleep the previous night played a big role in my afternoon 'crap out'. I was in bed by 7pm last night and slept most of the way through the night. I feel great today.

Uh Oh, Incubus...."Drive" just came on the radio. He talks about letting go of the wheel and letting 'fear' drive. Yep, sounds familiar. But then he says, 'whatever tomorrow brings....I'll be there!!" Love this song!!!

Oh Yeah, I also took Filur's advice and wrote out what I get by being sober and what I get being on drugs. It's amazing how the 'emotional' brain was trying to take over, but when I performed that simple exercise, the 'logical' brain woke up and started to 'drive' again. Thanks Filur!! That's an easy way to get my brain out of emotional thinking and back to better thinking!!


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 11:40 am 
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My dr yesterday told me ( as he wrote my ambien script) that sleep is very important and lack of it is not good while going thru this... I am a sleep whore if I dont get 8 hrs I dont function at all.......


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 6:40 pm 
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mg113 wrote:
My dr yesterday told me ( as he wrote my ambien script) that sleep is very important and lack of it is not good while going thru this... I am a sleep whore if I dont get 8 hrs I dont function at all.......


HUH? I wish. I work shift work so am on nights then days then nights, etc. Off of nights I am lucky to get a whole 4 hours. Off of days I wake up at 3AM and usually toss and turn until 5 when I get up. I hate it. I would like to take a sleeping pill but am still being looked at for sleep apnea.

STOP THE HIJACK IN PROGRESS! :shock:

Sorry. Back to Romeo............Proud of you man. Honesty, humility and perseverence are hard to come by esecially for us addicts while we are struggling. Back to the diet. I know for a fact that changing our eating habits, small things like our snacks or entirely really can help you feel better. Just sayin. If you ever need any advice on how to eat healthy but EAT GOOD FOOD, let me know. I'm sure it could help you feel better and help with those late afternoon struggles.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 7:30 pm 
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HUH? I wish. I work shift work so am on nights then days then nights, etc. Off of nights I am lucky to get a whole 4 hours. Off of days I wake up at 3AM and usually toss and turn until 5 when I get up. I hate it. I would like to take a sleeping pill but am still being looked at for sleep apnea.

Gee now I am gonna have sleep whore guilt lol.... I have a form of anemia similar to sickle cell but what italians get.. and I couldnt do what you do, I need my sleep or my brain just dont work and I cant focus. I am usually asleep by 9pm and up at 5am in the gym at 6am but I am rested.

OK STOPPING HIJACK AGAIN....


Rock on Romeo..... diet does matter I try to eat clean and I feel so much better however tonight I did indulge in pizza and soda (I cant remember the last one I had) what the hell I feel like crap so I am rolling with it. I just sneezed my 20th time lol


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 8:32 pm 
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Hijack away you guys!! I just got to see the words "sleep whore" twice within a couple hour time span.....I ain't complain' !!!! :lol:

jleets, hit me with your best advice man. If you want to PM it to me so we can discuss it, that would be great too. BTW, believe it or not, my body isn't terribly out of shape, I'm 5'9" and I weigh 175lbs. I'm probably 10lbs heavy? My trouble is my 'cardio'? I'm strong as the next guy for short bursts, but my stamina sucks!! I've been walking 1.5 miles a night for a month and it's helping. I don't mean I stroll around, I walk as fast as I possibly can.

mg----you better get used to the sneezing....that's a classic Suboxone wd symptom. It borders on the ridiculous at times!!


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Romeo, I liked your song quote " Satan profits from all of our lies" and illicit trade from addiction certainly is the truth of it. I got most of that insight from Cormac Macarthy, who also once wrote "there was nothing to set a mans mind at ease like waking up in the morning and not having to decide who you are". Now your back on track and have decided not to quit it again, who knows? maybe you wont.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 11:05 am 
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Hi guys, I just wanted to make a point that I may not have made very well yet, continuing on after a relapse is HARD work. I feel like I've been fighting Mike Tyson this week....I'm beating the hell out of his fists with my face, but I'm still standing.

The 'dragon' is going back to sleep, ever so slowly though. I know, without a doubt, that I don't want a life of pills again. It's a road to nowhere, they suck you in so quick and very quickly they make you miserable. I have no desire to go back there. But at the same time, I have been having some cravings? Addiction, what a horrendous disease!

Again, I just wanted to be crystal clear with everyone, this is hard what I'm going through.....if you think you may be heading for a relapse you need to pull out all the stops and put a halt to it!! I knew before my relapse that I was getting into trouble and I chose to ignore the signs....not smart.....not smart at all!!

Anyway, I went to the batting cage after work last night and I got a great workout, plus I had great fun! Smacking the hell out of a baseball was just what I needed. It's $10 for half an hour, I'm going again tonight and I hope to make this a regular thing for a while.

crooltats, I like your quote....I was there and I pissed it away....I'm making my way back though!!

Y'all take good care of yourselves.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2011 10:08 am 
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WOW, I mean WOW[sup]2[/sup]!! I woke up this morning and my attitude and my thoughts have improved to near 100%!! I FINALLY feel the strength of my convictions has returned!! My attitude and thoughts have returned to where I was well before this whole mess started and I have got to tell you all.....IT FEELS GREAT to feel strong again.

I had another member who kept telling me to be kind to myself, be kind to myself and I finally gave it a shot. I realized that to be kind to myself that I was first going to have to forgive myself though. Somehow I forgave myself and that paved the way for me to start being kind to myself again. I believe this is going to be one of the final nails in the coffin as far as this relapse and the circumstances surrounding it are concerned. I am stronger and wiser now that I have gone through it.

Thank you all for holding my hand during this difficult time. Each of you contributed so much to bringing me to where I am today. Most of all, I have to thank God.

Yep, it looks like I made it out of the ring without Mike Tyson biting my ear off too, that's always a bonus!!


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