It is currently Wed Aug 23, 2017 12:24 pm



All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Our Sponsors





Post new topic This topic is locked, you cannot edit posts or make further replies.  [ 188 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10  Next
Author Message
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 11:41 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:39 am
Posts: 4028
Location: Sitting at my computer
Hi Hatmaker, I kept on pondering on some of the things you said, especially the things about me not having made any changes in my behaviors and I felt the need to point out some of the changes I have made in my life. I take all of my slips very seriously, the second slip hit me so hard that I decided to make a commitment to NA. If any of you know me at all, you'll know that I was completely and totally AGAINST the idea of me going to NA. There was just no way on planet earth that this here dude was going to NA. Wasn't gonna happen, no way, no how. But here I am, going to NA meetings regularly. Now, going to NA and working the program are two separate things and I do real good about the going to meetings part, but I do need to put more effort into working the program. Another behavior I've changed is not letting my idle time get to dangerous levels. My idle time used to be my enemy. Idle time meant thoughts of using for me and there are a few real simple things I did to help this. I spend more quality time with my family now. I have a great wife and an awesome pre-teen daughter who absolutely loves her daddy. My selfishness used to cause me to want to do my own thing, but now I spend more time with them and it's simply awesome. I also decided a few months ago to start working out because I understand that I need to be healthy in mind, body and spirit to succeed with being off of drugs. I absolutely love working out and hitting the weights and one of the BEST side effects has been my daughter wanting to join me. These are a few examples of things that I've changed. Do I have a lot more things I need to do, yeppers. But for now, I'm gonna concentrate on those boundaries I need to get in place in my friendships because 3 out of 4 of my slips have been directly related to that.

Hey donh, glad to see you around again!! I guess the short answer to your question of why I don't go back to Suboxone is this, my wd from Suboxone is something I never want to endure again. I'm simply not a candidate for life long treatment with Suboxone, so if I ever do get back on Suboxone, it means I'll be getting back off of it again someday and the thought of getting off of it terrifies me. Like I mentioned above, I abused my Suboxone. I abused my Suboxone because I got high from it, not high in the traditional sense of the word, but I absolutely got a lift everytime I took it and I KNOW I would do the same shit again if I went back on it which means I'd be in for a hell wd again. I absolutely love your question to me of "how's what you're doing working for you." It's comments like that that jerk me back to reality and make me take a good look at what I'm doing and what I should be doing. I don't have the answer yet as to all the things I need to do differently, but I'm gonna start with getting boundaries in place in my friendships because I certainly know now how vulnerable I am with no boundaries present.

Setmefree, thank you for praying for me, that's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Yes, you are absolutley right, you were the very first person to suggest I get some boundaries in place in my friendships, but I was too embarrassed to ask you for your help in explaining it to me. It took me a while, but I finally got it. My wife told me the other day that true friendship should not be overly dramatic and it most certainly should not be traumatic. She told me that those words came to her after praying for me and her asking God to help her to help me. I love it!! So many times during some of these friendships, I knew things weren't "right" and that the pain I was putting up with was not something that happens in true friendships. I know every friendship has its up's and down's, that's not the kind of pain I'm talking about, truthfully, it was my obsessive nature coupled with a very specific personality type that was the issue. Anyway, I'm on top of it now, my wife is fully aware of the circumstances that lead me to trouble and we're not gonna let it happen again. Thank you for everything setmefree, I'm always praying for you too.

Hey T, thanks for the support. Honest to goodness, if I don't get my head screwed on straight pretty soon, my next step is rehab. My wife and I have already talked about it. Her and I both would rather see me go to rehab then to get on Suboxone again. Suboxone is not completely off the table, it's just not time yet.

_________________
Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 11:53 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:04 pm
Posts: 421
Location: California, San Diego
Rome, keep on keeping on........... you are a winner in my book!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 11:56 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:39 am
Posts: 4028
Location: Sitting at my computer
Thanks Hellmuth, I just now saw your post or I would have included a response in with the above response.

I agree with your two rules and because I'm a Christian, I'm adding a third.....when things get too much, I need to learn to turn stuff over to God and let Him help me through. I spend way too much time in self will still and because of that, I'm not at peace. I easily find peace through talking to God, but I don't do it enough. A super awesome friend of mine has told me to try and find peace and I'm gonna do it.

Getting those boundaries I spoke of earlier in place will help me achieve peace, but I also need to spend more time talking to God because it brings me peace too.

_________________
Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


Top
 Profile  
 
Our Sponsors
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2011 12:08 am 
Offline
6 Months or More
6 Months or More
User avatar

Joined: Tue Sep 20, 2011 9:31 pm
Posts: 182
Romeo I believe you will come through all of this. I totally admire your courage and strengh to come here and be honest with all of us, because you do not have to. Your family sounds like they will help you and push you to the finish line if need be. A family that Pray's and play's together can overcome anything so hats off to you and yours.
All the advise your gotten here is a Blessing and your taking it serious.

keep moving forward or\ and add bricks to your house, just know we are cheering for you

Mel :wink:

_________________
Dreams are only Dreams unless you persue them


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2011 12:08 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jun 17, 2009 9:59 pm
Posts: 993
Location: Carson City, Nevada
Romeo, this last relapse absolutely freaked me out. Something just is not working. I don't know what you should do, but you have to change your game plan. I know that the path to sobriety is not an easy or direct one for many of us. I can relate to that with my insane drinking problem. I got sober and then relapsed, relapsed, relapsed, relapsed. The only difference was that I took each slip/relapse seriously enough that I made major changes. I went to rehab, got counseling, worked with a good sponsor, and avoided situations that would threaten my sobriety. Each relapse lead to huge/difficult changes. I'd give up anything, go anywhere for help, pretty much reduce myself to the sick and clueless alcoholic I was and let other people teach me how to live again. Humility was a huge part of all that. I also had a strong sense of what I had to lose if I decided to keep drinking. Everyone around me took it seriously. I could not keep my life and my family and keep screwing up. I'm afraid you don't have that. You don't really believe you will lose.

If I were to give a bum outside a liquor store $10 for 'food', then watch as he walks into the store and buys booze, it would be unreasonable for me to then get all upset about it, as if I could not have seen it coming. I've 'seen' you put yourself in positions where you will be around people who are using and basically shoving drugs up your nose or pills into your car, but you seem to think that you are strong enough to resist those temptations and not relapse. I've seen you involve yourself in 'friendships' that are ginormous disasters waiting to happen, but they make you feel good, so you go ahead with it. It's completely obvious and predictable to an outsider to see that the bus is going to hit you, but dude, you get irritated and indignant when it's brought to your attention. I mean, you know better than to give addicts at meetings rides and cash....I know you know better. You know better than to be hanging around with young ladies at meetings. You put yourself in those positions. We all like to feel wanted and needed, but you have to believe you have something invaluable to protect and something you absolutely are not willing to lose. You cannot play with fire, get burned, go use to feel better, and then point to getting burned as the source of your trouble. You have to not play with the fire in the first place.

The relapse before this one was so scary, because you took way too much of a drug that was new to you and it freaked you out. This time, you took that same drug for several days in a row and saw it as no big deal because you could 'manage' it. I am afraid for you because of how reckless you are getting. I'm skeptical too, because I thought you flushed it all, but then you used the next day, so obviously you still had some and the whole 'I flushed it all' was not true or you went and got more. That makes me wonder if you still have some now but think you can handle it/manage it. I spent enough time around addicts to watch this scenario play out. I'm afraid that if you don't do something drastic, you will D.I.E. The time before this, you nearly stopped breathing, but you did not get help because you didn't want anyone to know, so you leaned against a tree in the woods and just hoped you could continue breathing. Dude, what are you doing? I'm not putting you down....but you ARE playing with fire. If your wife gets on here in a few days and posts an R.I.P post about you, at least I'm calling you out on this. And your post-Sub drug use has been serious enough that I would not be surprised if that exact thing happened, so I'm mentally prepared for it.

You have to work a hell of a lot harder. No more messing around. No going to meetings to socialize. Go to listen and learn. Avoid the drama or don't go at all. Find a sponsor. If there really is nobody around you who will make a decent sponsor, then go online and find one or go back to an addiction counselor. If you relapse again, go to rehab. Go onto Naltrexone (while being monitored by doctor). Go back on Sub...Above all else, you need to stay alive. It doesn't matter whether people at meetings like you or people on here like you are who you 'let down'. All that matters is whether you are truly getting better.

Maybe you think this post is harsh, but I absolutely don't think so. I see the same behaviors and patterns leading to every relapse, and I'm not going to say or write one thing anymore to minimize the severity of it. I don't care if you are royally ticked at me, because I feel like I'm more worried about your life than you are. Just because you haven't been on the street, haven't lost your family, etc. does not mean you are somehow tougher than other addicts and can do this without some serious intervention and life changes. For goodness sake's, quit going to family functions where everyone is taking drugs....When you get sober, you actually do have to change a ton of stuff in your life. We all do, and so do you. We are all where we are because our way did not work, just like they tell you in meetings. Your way isn't working. By your own admission, you are a master manipulator and you can get anyone to believe what you say, and that's a huge part of your problem. I think most of us could claim to be pretty damn good at painting a prettier picture than our reality when we want people to feel a certain way about us or our actions, but *I do not believe you are doing okay*. At least I said it, for what it's worth.

laddertipper

_________________
First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2011 6:32 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jul 15, 2010 5:08 am
Posts: 1503
It sounds like people pleasing can be a problem for you Romeo. That behaviour has to be severely nipped in the bud. Deep down, at some unconscious level, you likely knew what was going to happen. But being burned always gives an excuse, if you know what I mean.

Do some reading up on the whole "people pleasing" concept, and the motivation behind it. In my rehab time, many people got tagged as a "people pleaser", and it was always dead right. I'd see these people yearn to be liked to the point that they'd constantly put others before themselves. More and more people would identify their "character defect" and manipulate them, mostly without realising it, and the people pleasers always end up being run into the ground to the point that they'd self-destruct. The sad thing is, the feeling of being liked or popular is always shallow. The person may be liked at a shallow level, but in reality they're far from respected.

Laddertipper's spot on with the loaning money.

The ironic thing is, in the end it always provided a convenient excuse, there were always other people to blame. People pleasers are so good at manipulating other people into manipulating them. Really, all they're doing is manipulating themselves into relapse.

I would say don't be naive about people some people in NA. As you know, powders are expensive drugs. Their need to score can often hone their manipulation skills to the point where the people pleasers are viewed simply as money. They don't realise it, but a dark part of them that doesn't want to get well often scans the people in the room for opportunities to binge and relapse. Other people allow themselves to be those opportunities. Sadly I know this too well. It's just the sickness of addiction.

But it's not just NA, it's everywhere. At work, do people go to the person with boundaries for a favour? Or do they go to the guy who can't say "no"? Don't be that guy who's "too nice", and never gets ahead because of it.

The need to please people often comes from a need to be liked, to make up for a lack of self-acceptance, self-respect, self-love. Other people's favour becomes just another external crutch. When a person learns to love and accept themselves, being liked & respected often comes naturally.

http://www.personal-growth-programs.com/people-pleasing

Having the rehab option on the table is a good idea. A decent rehab doesn't let a person get away with those behaviours.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2011 6:53 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jul 15, 2010 5:08 am
Posts: 1503
setmefree wrote:
Tearjerker....Your post about the question of the slip, lapse, relapse terminology was fantastic! I think somewhere in this thread of Romeo's, I mentioned this very thing....how I question the semantics involved in this stuff. Your explanation rung of so much truth for me. I loved it! Thanks for sharing it! I also feel that your insights into this subject are right on the money!


The reason I think that article used only metaphors, and didn't describe using, was because the definition of relapse/lapse/slip is different for all of us, in the same way we all have different levels of addiction, and different rock bottoms. A person who found they were drinking too much after work will have a different definition of relapse to someone who was doing crime for heroin. They'll also have different goals in their recovery.

People can get into a lot of trouble when imposing their own definition, ideas, philosophies & goals onto others. Look at the people who come here trying to tell us folk on Suboxone we're not clean? :lol: By some people definitions, I would still be in relapsed ever since I left NA.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2011 11:38 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:39 am
Posts: 4028
Location: Sitting at my computer
sweet16, thank you. I don't know if I'm a winner yet, but I'm trying to get there. I usually get a kick out of reading your posts, you're so upbeat, even though you've had a tough time with all this addiction crap. Keep it up Ma'am.

meltalk, thank you too. I appreciate the encouragement. It is difficult to come on here and open up, but I know it helps me and judging from several PM's I've gotten, it helps others too. One person actually decided to stay on Suboxone a while longer after reading some of the shit that I've put myself through since being off of Suboxone. They realize that they aren't quite ready to live without Suboxone because they haven't done enough work on themselves and their recovery yet. It's PM's like those that make me realize I'm doing the right thing by continuing to post and tell my story.

laddertipper, I read your post just before I went to bed. I wanted to reply last night, but I was too tired and I really didn't know what to say last night, so I figured I'd sleep on it and that I'd have a better response for you this morning. As of this moment, I still don't know what to say other than, "you're right.....for the most part." For those who don't know, laddertipper and I have been friends for a good while. She was one of the first people I PM'd when I joined this forum over a year ago and we've since become good friends and my actions are obviously scaring the shit out of her. Laddertipper.....yes, I did lie to you when I told you I flushed all of the reamining drugs. I kept 1/4 pill for Sunday. I absolutely lied to you. I'd say I'm sorry, but an apology won't mean shit to you right now so I'm not gonna say I'm sorry. I think a better course of action would be for me to let my actions speak for me because my words probably have very little meaning to you right now. *sigh*, this is about the hardest response I've ever had to type up, it hurts me greatly to know that I'm worrying the shit out of you (and many others), I know you've had to watch so many friends pay the ultimate price of addiction and I can only imagine the pain and heartache that you've suffered by befriending fellow addicts, then watching them kill themselves and I can certainly understand how you are up to your eyeballs sick of watching one person after another die. I don't know what to say to you right now?? I can't think of any words that I could utter that would make you feel any better.....again, I'm just gonna have to let my actions speak for me.

Hey T, people pleasing is definitely a problem for me. I know when it all started, but I sure as hell haven't been able to figure out how to get better at it. I don't think I've shared this on the forum before, but what the hell.....I've been letting a bunch of other shit hang out, so I might as well get this out there too. When I was 16 years old, my 18 year old sister was killed in a car accident, she was hit by a drunk driver. My happy little world imploded. I can not, with words, describe the utter devastation that that event hit me with. It crushed me beyond words. My sister was a fantastic person. She was so full of love, she was such a dynamic individual, she loved me, even though I was the bratty younger brother. Very shortly after her death, within the first week or so, my mother felt it necessary to let me know that she wished that I was the one in the car that night instead of my sister. Yeah, my mother basically told me that she wished I was dead instead of my sister. For my entire adult life, I've been nursing the pain of losing my sister and trying to understand how my mother could say that awful shit to me by using drugs. Yeah, yeah, I know my mom was hurting during that time and all that other fucking bullshit, but she meant it. She meant what she said. So, a year and a half ago I decided to quit drugs and try to live life on life's terms, problem is, the first year I was off of drugs I really didn't do any recovery work. I white knuckled it to stay off of drugs and when that bit me, I finally got into recovery (NA), I've been attending NA for about 6 months. So, here I am with a mind, body and soul of an addict. I worked tirelessly for 26 years to hone my addcition to perfection. Every fiber of my being was conditioned, for 26 years, to being a great addict. Now I've got all of 6 months of actual recovery going up against 26 years of addiction and people freak the fuck out when I use.

Sorry, I kind of got off on a tangent there. I promise all of you, I do NOT want to be in active addiction anymore, I don't want to be numbed out by drugs 24/7 anymore, I honestly don't. I'm trying to live clean, I'm honestly trying and I DO know that I'm not doing a great job of it right now, but I also know that I ain't giving up. Some of my demons are extremely powerful, I've only been learning how to tame those fuckers for 6 months and all in all, I still think I'm doing pretty good overall, but I also know that 4 slips over the relativley short time frame that they happened is indicative of me not doing something right. I'm taking all of this seriously and I am going to succeed. I will triumph.

_________________
Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2011 12:42 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member

Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2009 7:36 pm
Posts: 879
Location: Wisconsin
Well that answers that... if Sub didn't work all that well in the past, there is no reason to think it would work any better now. I somehow thought that you did just fine while on the Sub. Although, just because you feel "something" does not mean you are getting high from it. I mean, you'll feel "something" if you take Benedryl, some muscle relaxers, etc. That does not mean that you are getting high or euphoria from it. I can fully appreciate that once you have gotten passed the withdrawals and PAWS of getting off of Sub you don't want to go back again. I would feel differently if you were telling me you did very well and had few if any relapses while on Sub. That doesn't seem to be the case.

Hellmuth, I guess I'm not even sure what to say to you. I see you are new here - or at least have only posted a handful of times, so I don't want to run you off or anything, but geeze man, you almost sound like you know NOTHING about addiction. Are you even someone who has been addicted? I really have to ask that as you sound exactly like those who have never dealt with this God awfull illness and have a family member who they just tell "well what's the problem, man up and stop taking drugs, that's all there is to it." As if it's just that simple. Then I read:

"Each day he will be adding one more brick to his house of happiness if he just follows these 2 simple rules. 1. no more drugs ever again, no god damm excuses, man up! 2. Do the right thing (love and support your family, be kind to people, help others, just be the best person you can be and give back to society as much as you can)"

TWO SIMPLE RULES - are you frikin kidding me? SIMPLE??????? No more drugs ever again. Oh, yeah, sure, simple... no problem. You have solved drug addiction for all of us... it's SIMPLE, just don't ever take drugs again. Problem solved,... next. That's like the old Steve Martin Joke of how to be a millionaire... "First, get a million dollars, then..." I mean really, you can't be serious. SIMPLE RULE, just don't do drugs. Let's not forget simple rule number two of "do the right thing". I mean where else can I even go with this?

Ladder - Holy Shit and wow... what an awesome post! We are all extreemly lucky to have someone like you around here. You cut to the heart of the matter better than many addiction "professionals" could/would. Thanks for taking the time and having the guts and smarts to do it!!!! Just wow!

Thanks again Romeo for your honesty. I really don't know if any of us have helped you, but I have no doubt that you have helped many of us just by being willing to post all of this!


Top
 Profile  
 
   
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2011 6:32 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Sat Oct 15, 2011 1:11 pm
Posts: 23
Yes 2 simple rules! Both rules are very simple and a monkey could get it right. The rules are simple but the process is hard. You forgot to quote where I said the process is hard, but doable. No reason to be upset at me because I figured out how to beat addiction. Sorry it isn't an easier road but if you want it, you will put on your hiking boots and do it or you will hide behind all your bullshit and excuses you can think of to make things more complicated. It can't get any simpler, 1. no more drugs ever again 2. Do the right thing! Give it a try. I guarantee it works! Will it be hard??? Absolutely, but nothing worth wild is ever easy! Will it be rewarding? 100% I am quite sure it will be one hell of an experience you can hang your cap on and be proud as hell of yourself.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2011 11:08 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 12:59 pm
Posts: 1039
Romeo, the one thing all opiate addicts have in common is that we're in pain. For some it is actual physical pain, but for many it is mental, emotional or spiritual pain. I realize that you already get this, which is a huge first step. The thing is how do we live with the pain? The goal isn't to cure or eliminate it, because even if we work through something, life continues to be full of painful experiences. As addicts we suck at dealing with pain. We just don't want to feel it. But the only way out is through. We have to feel it, stand in it, and walk through it without the help of something to numb us. It's a tall order to be sure - even one day at a time can be way too much, one moment at a time is about all we can manage.

A lot has been said about people pleasing as a way to get approval or affection or even love from someone who we have no business expecting those things from. But the flip side to that is accepting love from the people who really do love us. When we're using or getting into unhealthy relationships with people at work or NA how available are we for our real relationships? The issue isn't so much looking for love in inappropriate places, it's not being able to accept the love that is being genuinely given to us. Maybe because of the awful trauma you suffered you got the message that you weren't lovable. But that doesn't change the fact that you are both lovable and loved. I hope I'm not sounding too sappy here, but IMO these are the issues we have to work on to succeed in recovery. This isn't coming from someone who has gotten there, just from someone who is figuring out what path to start on.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 12:07 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:39 am
Posts: 4028
Location: Sitting at my computer
OK, it's finally sinking in. I'm finally starting to see how if I keep doing the same things over and over, that my life is never gonna change. I can't quite explain exactly why I'm just now coming to this conclusion. Up until a few hours ago, I kept looking at my life and I kept reminding myself of how good I've got it. I kept telling myself this, "if I'm such a horrible addict, then why hasn't my life fallen apart?" "If I'm such an addict, why is everything in my life so decent?" Then it dawned on me, by all outward appearances I'm a success, but inside, I'm not such a success. Why is that?? It's because I haven't really changed the core of who I am and by now, we should all know, that the core of who I am is an addict with several addict behaviors still in place. Like I mentioned earlier, I have so many years of addiction under my belt that it has become who I am. It permeates every fiber of my being. I have made some changes in my behaviors, but I've only changed the behaviors that were easy for me to change.

I'm attempting to stop drugs without really changing the behaviors that are causing me to continue to use drugs. Hey donh, you asked how this was working out for me, turns out it ain't working out so great!!

On the way up to my meeting tonight, I turned the radio off and I talked to God for most of the ride up. I talked to Him about me really wanting to quit drugs, I told him I was serious about quitting, but that I didn't know what to do next. I begged Him to guide me, I begged Him to let me feel some kind of feeling that He was helping me, but I didn't get any "special feeling."

Well, I hit the meeting and I still wasn't sure if I was gonna pick up my white/surrender key chain. This would be my 3rd one and truthfully, I want the next white key chain I pick up to be the last one I pick up. During the meeting, one person started to share on how they had relapsed more times than they could remember, they had more white key tags than they could count, but they kept coming back and now that person has well over 1 year of clean time. Listening to that was all I needed to decide that I was getting my key chain tonight. Quietly, I thanked God for having that person share during the meeting and I patiently waited until the end of the meeting to get my key chain. If it were up to me, I would have rathered to really "FEEL" something to know I was doing the right thing, but beggers can't be choosers. Anyway, they announce the white key tag and I stand up to get it and something I have never witnessed before happened. Of the 30 or so people at the meeting, at least 25 of them stood up to give me a hug. I'm talking about people I have never spoken to before at meetings. Sure, I've seen them around, but I don't really know them. I was stunned by how many people got up to give me a hug and congratulate me for choosing to live without drugs. I've been going to meetings for about 6 months now and I have never seen so many people stand up to give anyone a hug for any key chain. Well, let me tell you, I FELT something when I realized what was going on. I felt amazingly loved. I felt ridiculously proud and I'm still feeling kinda silly inside by what happened.

On the ride home from the meeting, I left the radio off the whole way home (about a 40 minute drive) and talked to God the whole way home. I thanked Him and thanked Him and then I asked for His assistance on what my next steps should be. I had already decided to establish boundaries in my friendships and to really pay attention to that little voice inside my head that warns me when I'm doing something that's not healthy. I already ordered a copy of the SMART recovery handbook this afternoon, I really want to check out what it has to offer. On top of those two things, I realized there were two more things that I need to start doing now. #1---I need to talk to God more often. I need to practice getting out of my will and getting into His will. #2---I realized that my normal state of being is being wound up. I'm always wound up tight as a rubber band and I now know I need to stop living like that. Coincidentally, a good friend of mine, earlier today, offered to give me some suggestions on some good reading material to learn how to meditate. I'm gonna take them up on that offer.

It's been a stressful few days here in Romeo's head, but after tonight, I feel so much better. Thank you ALL, from the bottom of my heart, for all the replies. I appreciate the encouragement, I appreciate the advice and I appreciate the bitch slappin' a few of you laid on me.

_________________
Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 1:47 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jul 15, 2010 5:08 am
Posts: 1503
"Good onya" Romeo. :D It sounds like you've got a lot of growth out of today. The SMART book offers heaps of useful, practical tools in relapse prevention. I've found that having the sense to use them when I'm struggling, is the real challenge.

Personally, I don't think our problem is that "we are addicts". I view addiction as a symptom of our real problem. It's easy to get fixated on treating the addiction, but unless the real problem is addressed, that desire to use will always remain, no matter how many meetings a person goes to.

I did NA, rehab etc for years trying to stop my slipping back into addiction. I can recite every freakin tool, mantra, dogma, catch-phrase, everything in the SMART recovery book to prevent relapse. I regurgitate that stuff to people every day on here! :lol: But it didn't stop me from relapsing, because the underlying problem remained, and the desire was still there. And it would stay there unless some missing piece of the puzzle fell in place.

The real breakthrough for me came from outside the rooms. I was talking to my partner about my childhood and stuff. She said something about my childhood that was a real revelation, and it was like some baggage just left my shoulders. In a nutshell, I realised I would keep finding ways to destroy myself if I didn't learn to love myself.

Today I passed four dealers going back to my car, one of whom I used to knock around with. I had no desire to score at all. That's unheard of for me, whether on Suboxone or otherwise. He asked me if I was clean, and I said I was. He patted me on the back, and I walked off.

IMO addiction needs empty space in us to live and grow, and that emptiness where our self-love should be, which some call the "God shaped hole", is where addiction calls home. If we fill-in that emptiness with something positive, be it self-love or love of a higher power, and keep it filled, IMO we'll always be looked after. Any relapse then becomes a relapse of attitude. Substance abuse is just one of the behaviours.


Top
 Profile  
 
   
 Post subject: Relapse Romeo
PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 2:26 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jun 08, 2009 4:04 pm
Posts: 391
I have been away for awhile and just spent the last hour reading 3 pages of your thread Romeo. You should prepare yourself because you know what I am going to say..................first off I would change your name to Relapse Romeo.......Harsh right?

I call bullshit on this whole thread. 4 times...........4 times and you say slip we now have a moderator that gives you a pass and calls it a slip. If I decide to drink tonight and drive home and kill someone.......they will not call me someone that slipped they will call me what I am a drunken driver who killed someones daughter, brother , father , mother or whatever.

Every time you relapse you get on here and you share and people on the forum coddle you and say Oh Romeo.......you poor thing...but you were honest and your a winner.......Ok.... a bit sarcastic but Romeo I think you are so full of shit. You know exactly what you are doing. I am waiting to hear that you stubbed your toe and you had to get pills..........you say you go to NA but I imagine you have motives and based on what I have read it's a place to pick up chicks. WTF are you doing. You say you have a wonderful life and a beautiful daughter but you know I am not sure they love the Romeo they think they love.

First I noticed we have some new moderators and even though I have so much respect for SMF and now Tear is a moderator did your run that by Dr J...........cause you two are the perfect examples of enablers to Romeo. I told you....you need to find a rehap whether it be 30-60 or 90 days and get your ass in there. I am all for someone doing a different way of recovery other than suboxone but Romeo you have had 4 relapses within the last couple of months. One where you thought you were going to die. Romeo you are going to die if you keep up your bullshit.

You talk about your wife alot............I was married for 10 years and I go to meetings and I hear where these guys beat their wives and did all kinds of shit. I never did any of those things yet my ex wife will never take me back. You can call it lapse, relapse or butterflies but the bottom line is how much is she going to take. I know you think I am a jerk but Romeo you are going to die if you don't stop this type of behavior. People have told you to go to AA instead of NA............I recommend that because I tried NA and every meeting someone was selling vicodins in the parking lot. You have to go for the right reasons......look you are Married...............women in NA are there for recovery not to be picked up or preyed upon by you. Imagine if that person new to NA dies of an OD because of your actions.

Look.... go back and read this thread from begining to end............you are like yes I know I was wrong.......yes I am going to do this............yes I respect your opinion yet you go right back to your old ways when girls do not do what you want or something happens at work. If I understand from your past post you are in your 40"s which means you know better.

A slip or relapse or whatever bullshit you want to call it........your going to die or your going to kill somebody and then there is no one to blame but you. You have to figure it out because to be honest with you I am about done with you.............with me it is Don't tell me ............Show Me. Get mad .............get mad at me do whatever you have to do but quit fucking around with this shit or you will truly feel what some people on this site has said was their bottom.

Look I wouldn't respond if I didn't care about you but it's up to you...it has always been up to you............Don't tell me........show me.

Jim


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 5:03 am 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Sat Oct 15, 2011 1:11 pm
Posts: 23
Lillyval wrote:
Romeo, the one thing all opiate addicts have in common is that we're in pain. For some it is actual physical pain, but for many it is mental, emotional or spiritual pain. I realize that you already get this, which is a huge first step. The thing is how do we live with the pain? The goal isn't to cure or eliminate it, because even if we work through something, life continues to be full of painful experiences. As addicts we suck at dealing with pain. We just don't want to feel it. But the only way out is through. We have to feel it, stand in it, and walk through it without the help of something to numb us. It's a tall order to be sure - even one day at a time can be way too much, one moment at a time is about all we can manage.




+1 well said


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 5:54 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jul 15, 2010 5:08 am
Posts: 1503
Telling people they're going to die doesn't stop them from relapsing. You may believe I'm condoning Romeo's relapse. I'm just trying to balance the shame & punishment being thrown around.

Regardless of the clash of philosophies going on here. Swearing at and demeaning other people isn't tolerated on this board. If you want to question someone else's honesty, do it without the abuse. As for labelling someone a sexual predator with no evidence, in front of the whole forum, based on a "hunch". Do you really think that's decent behaviour on a recovery forum? Public accusations like that are dangerous. If you want to confront someone on that stuff, do it in a PM.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 10:07 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:55 pm
Posts: 4933
Location: Leesburg, FL
I'm sorry, but I have to jump in here and agree with Laddertipper and ReRaise. I've been somewhat reserved in my replies to you, Romeo, until now. But I agree that you're playing with fire - a forest fire. Before I even read Ladder's post to you I was talking to someone and I said the same thing - that I feared you would be the next one to die. And I don't think it's too harsh or inappropriate to say that. It's our fear and we're just being honest with our feelings and our fears for Romeo.

You're in danger, Romeo, make no mistake about it.

Now that said, from your last post I see you plan on making some changes - that's good. I hope it helps.

_________________
-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 10:24 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:39 am
Posts: 4028
Location: Sitting at my computer
Yeah, I'm at quite a loss as to the whole "picking up chicks" thing?? Where in the hell did you get that from?? Me going to meetings and making friends, some of whom are women.....that's me preying on women??? You completely lost me there.

You also said, "yes I respect your opinion yet you go right back to your old ways when girls do not do what you want or something happens at work."......where are you getting this shit from??? Either you're making it up or someone is feeding you a line buillshit and you're dumb enough to believe it.

It'd be nice if you checked your facts before making wild accusations Jim.

_________________
Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 10:50 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:39 am
Posts: 4028
Location: Sitting at my computer
I'm OK with people expressing their opinions that I may be the next one to die, even though I completely disagree.....it's Jim's wild accusations that crossed the line. There really is no call for something so disgusting like that to be said, especially on a public forum.

I come here, I open up in an effort to help myself and others and this is the kind of garbage I've gotta hear, then I also gotta hear that Hatmaker.....a moderator....agrees with Jim and what he said??? For real?? For real??? Are you kidding me??

Sorry, I'm just at a loss right now as to what else to say.

_________________
Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 10:59 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:55 pm
Posts: 4933
Location: Leesburg, FL
Romeo, you missed my entire point. I didn't agree with every little tiny point. I didn't think it was necessary to point that out. I'm sorry if I wasn't specific enough in my post. I'm extremely worried about you and I think you know that already.

_________________
-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic This topic is locked, you cannot edit posts or make further replies.  [ 188 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Our Sponsors
Suboxone Forum latest topics RSS feed Subscribe to the entire forum
cron
 

 

 
Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group