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 Post subject: Recovering....again
PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2012 9:03 pm 
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Hello all,

I'm a 7 year user of oxy, vikes, percs, and anything else that has opiates in it...I've been high as long as my recent past will permit me to remember. I kept it a secret, and faked pains to doctors, ER's, and even my wife...stole hers whenever I got the chance. The last 2.5 years I was getting a regular supply of 10mg vikes X 250 per month from my doc for back pain! And guess what? I ran out after 12 days every time...that was a lotta withdrawls over almost 3 years. Well, after my last withdrawl (june of this year), my depression was soooo bad, I came clean with my wife and pdoc...admitted all. I almost lost my family, but she stuck with me. I went on subox immediately, and just cut myself off 7 days ago. Today is the first day that I feel somewhat close to normal, but I don't care....I'm not doing this anymore....I hope. I'm so tired of being depressed, lying, sneaking drugs, and planning my life around that euphoric "in the moment" feeling. But the damnest thing is this: I love and miss that feeling of bliss....yes bliss. That is how I describe it. Nothing else in the world feels as good to me as sitting on my couch, playstation controller in hand, no back pain, no care, playing my game....and nothing else in the world matters. It's just me....and I was happy. I know that was alter reality, but it sure felt good. We know reality can be tough, and our reasons for getting high are all about the same: to escape the pressures and pains of reality. I mean...isn't that what living is all about? Find happiness? Hmmmmm. Yes, but at what cost? Eventually, no matter how many pills you take, or how many times you dope, it's just not enough. You don't get that feeling anymore. Your stool gets harder (yes, I said it), your high gets weaker, your agitation goes up, and your supply runs out quicker. The pill takers know the feeling of rationing out your last 5....and the shooters know how to double up at risk of OD. I'm so sick of it all...I hope I can remember how this feels.

My subox detox has been awful. I would trade it for a dope habit in a second....but.... I have a 4 year old girl with big brown eyes and a 2 year old boy that is gonna want me to throw a football to him in a few years. I have a wife that is the most supporting and understanding creature I've ever heard of. I love them to death, and am pretty sure I'd be dead right now if it weren't for them. So I'm done, and happy to be miserable with subox detox....it's painful and hard, but I want to be that good daddy and husband, so that is worth giving up that personal time on the couch with the playstation. I hope everyone can find a good enough reason to stop, because the end is not pretty, if you even see it happen. Good luck to everyone, and thank you for reading my story. Ted.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2012 9:46 pm 
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Hey Ted,

Welcome to the forum!!

Yep, it sure is easy to remember how great we feel while on opiates. We feel all warm and fuzzy, we're content, we're happiest while by ourselves doing our own thing.....but it's all fake and you already know this. Why is it we can always easily remember how great we felt while on drugs, but after a little time, we tend to forget all the bullshit that came with it? I guess the answer to that would be because we're addicts.

You've taken a big step into a scary world.....that new world is called reality and yes, sometimes reality bites. If you're like most of us who have quit drugs completely, you're gonna find yourself being tempted left, right and center and I suggest you look into some kind of meetings or an addiction counselor. Navigating the recovery process on your own is damn near impossible for most of us.

Do you mind if I ask what dose of Suboxone you jumped off from?

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Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 6:34 am 
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[font=Comic Sans MS]Hi Ted, I just wanted to welcome you to the forum as well. That crazy feeling that you call "bliss"...
I remember it very well. I think that we all do. But i think that I agree with Romeo. That if we don't
remember all of the horrible things that come with that "fake reality", we are bound to relapse.
I know that I personally do not ever want to go back to that dark place again.
It was lonely, sad, scary, and even though I THOUGHT it was what I wanted...I'll take this life of
luxury problems any day! I lost two daughters to my stupidity while in my active addiction. I now
have a 22 month old son, and will not risk losing him too. EVER!
Recently I almost...ALMOST did something stupid, that I didn't even really consider at the time...and thankfully
someone snapped me back to reality. Details are not important. But thankfully she called me on it.
Recovery can be a scary place to be alone. I also agree with Romeo in that you should get an addicion
counselor, or therapist, NA, AA, whatever works for YOU. We are all here for you of course too....but nothing
compares to a live human being that understands first hand what you are going through when those cravings
hit.
You are lucky to still have your family. I lost mine. If there is anything you need, dont hesitate to ask.
We will support you in any way that we can. That's what we are here for. Thank you so much for sharing
your story with us. I hope to see you around. Take Care~Kelly[/font]

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"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
~Deepak Chopra


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 11:46 am 
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Romeo and Kelly,

Thank you for your support. Romeo: I was taking two 8-2mg films a day, so I think it added up to 18 or so mg (never really understood why the dosage was like that). I wasn't sure if I was going to go back to my counselor (I was in a program for 3 months while I started the subox), but I will take your advice, for I cannot afford to fail at my recovery. All of the chips are on the table now, and if the dark side of me wins, the real me will never make it back. I'm going to call her now. Thank you again, and you will see me as "regular" on here!!!! Ted.


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