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PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2016 2:11 pm 
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I've been in subs for about 6 months. I was doing ok then had some tough stuff happen and I used dope. For the past 3 weeks I've been doing a bundle or so a day. Even taking my subs and still using. I'm so uncomfortable my first. Few days on subs I keep blowing it. I'm freaking out as I feel like things are gonna start crumbling. I have a great life and no one knows my secret. I can't seem to commit to sticking out untill I stableize. I have a urine do in Tuesday for my sub doctor and I think I'm gonna tell him the truth regardless. I don't think I will get kicked off as I never gave a dirty urine. I don't know. I'm just so lost right now. I have to start my subs again tomarrow. I just figured maybe it would be good to talk to someone.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2016 2:36 pm 
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I think it's a great idea to be honest with ur dr. That's the best option and I hope he'll be understanding of ur situation.

So you've fallen off and having trouble getting bk up and stable on sub again, I can't pretend to know what ur going through. The first things I'd do is get rid of the drugs period, don't make them accessible. U just have to put ur mind to it, re-induce on suboxone and stick with it. U know it's something ur going to have to do. I know it's easier said than done but if u did it once u can do it again. Stay away from ppl that use. U can do this again i know it! Get through one minute at a time.

Good luck and keep us posted :)

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2016 5:23 pm 
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Thatguy23 wrote:
I've been in subs for about 6 months. I was doing ok then had some tough stuff happen and I used dope. For the past 3 weeks I've been doing a bundle or so a day. Even taking my subs and still using. I'm so uncomfortable my first. Few days on subs I keep blowing it. I'm freaking out as I feel like things are gonna start crumbling. I have a great life and no one knows my secret. I can't seem to commit to sticking out untill I stableize. I have a urine do in Tuesday for my sub doctor and I think I'm gonna tell him the truth regardless. I don't think I will get kicked off as I never gave a dirty urine. I don't know. I'm just so lost right now. I have to start my subs again tomarrow. I just figured maybe it would be good to talk to someone.


I had great success working on my issues with a recovery therapist. I learned what some of my triggers are, for example. And she was also my biggest fan! I came out of therapy each week with a positive outlook and with tools to help myself. After about 8 in 9 months my therapist told me to call if I needed her, but otherwise...

Hey thatguy I think it would be great for you to find a therapist with experience in the addiction field. And welcome to the forum!

Amy

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 17, 2016 10:20 pm 
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Amy,
Thanks for the reply. Sorry for late response as I was trying to spent some time with my daughter. I think that's a great idea, and I've also got honest with my sponsor. Inn gonna give it my all this week. I'm praying I can get started tomarrow. I was sober for a long tome before i went on suboxobe for pain. I see my sub dr. Tuesday and will prob have dirty it urine. I have enough for 4 months so even if I got thrown out I'll be ok. I want off eventually but I'm gonna get off eventually. I just need to get sober first bit I keep screwing or up. Have a family; a great job. I'm gonna screw up everything. Also it's so weird my first week on sub I alway give in to be productive. Drugs have made me so weak. I'm living in so much fear and sadness with everything to live for. I'm so ashamed and guilty


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 18, 2016 4:36 am 
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Welcome Thatguy,
Since your post is a few days old, There is a chance you have inducted. If you haven't, it's ok.
It sounds like you are pretty vulnerable right now and I hope you realise that you have what you need to stop using. You have motivation to keep all the things that make your life good.
Thatguy, the transition, done right, will be smooth. There is nothing to worry about. The real concern is if you continue using. It only takes a short time for shit to spiral out of control. Take charge before this happens.
Please let us know how it goes with your DR. Take care.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2016 11:22 am 
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Well it's 1120 and I'm trying to get through the day. I screwed up yesterday and am trying to stick it out today. I feel so strange on subs right now. Hyper anxiety and sleep issues. I know if I just hold strong it will get better. Just freaking out about work and stuff. Thanks for all the kind words.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2016 7:07 pm 
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Hey Thatguy,

Glad you came back. Not sure what happened yesterday that you screwed up... are you back on heroin and bup? Whats the status w your bup MD & urine test? Or did you meant screwed up at work? Sure hoping you know you need to stabilize back on sub. Its what you need to be on!! Its so very important that you get stable on bup. What support system do you have given no one knows your secret? Amy's idea of an addiction therapist is a good one. Its way too hard to deal with the toxic shame and triggers on your own, alone. Hoping you can find someone to talk to and help you. In the meantime, keep coming here and we will help support you. Wishing you my very best, P

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2016 8:46 pm 
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I used heroin on Sunday On too of my bupe. I was so bummed as I made it through Saturday. I had a great shot last week. Had Xanax which for me helps the induction as I get extreme anxiety when starting. I was feeling terrible sat and Sunday on subs. Screwed up Sunday. I have stayed clean today and I feel committed to it. I'm ready. I went to work and was really flat and full of anxiety. I felt like the bupe was stabilizing. I did take a Xanax and about an hour later everything seemed to cool down. Was able to work and clean the kitchen without the wired feeling I've been having. I do have a few Valium which I'm only gonna use if it's rough but I think I'm stabilizing. Took some extra sub and feel pretty good right now. My doctor appointment is next week so I will have a clean urine. I told my sponsor and some aa friends and am returning to the rooms. I have to watch the Xanax because I sure don't want to go through that withdrawal. I don't think I've taken enough but I just need to be careful because I have to deal with anxiety at some point. I'm optimistic that I'm getting stabilized and feel I'm right around the corner. Tomarrow could be the day I feel allot better as today was much better than previous attempts. Thanks so much for responding.....not so alone


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2016 10:12 pm 
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Hey thatguy,

Thx for your response. Ok -- Get back on bup only!! You gotta stop the H. Period. You gotta get rid of that shit. Many of us here have been in your shoes, except, you still have much more than many - you still have a great job and a family. And you have bup -- which I did not find until too late to keep what you have. I've won back most, but not all, after 6 yrs of walking the walk not just talking the talk. Trust takes forever to earn back, if ever. Some will never trust or open up a relationship to me again. To keep it green, I volunteer for end of life and grief work. I promise you - when its almost over, at whatever age, 27, 42, 80, what matters is who we are are, our faith if we have one, that we were able to provide for others in whatever way that means, who we loved and were loved by, that matters. Find something to matter to you!

There is a massive amount of wreakage and destruction here on this site. Please get back on bup only and avoid what many here did not... Folks accumulated some felonies or jail time or losing jobs or families or marriages... Of course, none of us believed any of this would happen to us -- until it shockingly did. H is NOT your friend, it will curse you and turn on you!!!!! End it -- before it ends you. You know this -- now follow thru!! We can help you if YOU help us help you...

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Stopping went well -- its the staying stopped -- where the real work begins.
Coming here 'keeps recovery green'.


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2016 2:47 pm 
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Thanks again for the kind words. I'm stable on subs finally! Not sleeping great but sleeping. Also not feeling any wd. That's the good news. Bad news .... I got like 25 Xanax and ate them last week or so off and on trying to kick. Then again past few days.... Think I'm gonna feel some wd from that but I'm gonna push through. I don't think it's gonna be too rough. Probably just allot of anxiety and more sleep issues. But my family is worth it....at least I'm not doin H. I get stressed reading about the Xanax wd so I'm trying to just see what happens and hope it's not too bad. Anyhow at least I'm stable and able to function.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 28, 2016 3:06 am 
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That kind of thing is hard to admit, even on an anonymous forum, so good on you for bringing up your issue with xanax. Keep checking in daily, if you don't mind, so we can keep tabs on you if you go through any benzo withdrawals. We're always around! :)

Amy

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 28, 2016 8:43 am 
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Good morning, slept pretty good last night. Defiantly feeling anxiety from lack of Xanax. Some could be on my head, but no doubt I'm feeling somewhat wound up. I just need to stay focused and get through a like more tough days. Things will get better, they already are.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 28, 2016 8:16 pm 
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Hang in there, the first couple days are always the hardest but you will slowly start to feel better and better. I am so thankful everyday that I stuck those couple days out and am able to be stable and now at such a low dose.

My suboxone doctor has a substance abuse therapist in the office and 2 sessions are mandatory to get to once a month doctor's visits. I have found therapy to be a HUGE tool and still go at least once or twice a month even though I am 9 months sober and it was not required after the first 2 sessions. My doctor firmly believes the ones that "make it" are the ones that go to counseling. I also have a psychiatrist that specializes in addiction since I have bipolar type 2 disorder. Have you thought about getting a psych evaluation done? Maybe you could benefit from medicines that are not benzos but that can still help with anxiety.

I have changed my phone number, deleted all contacts, and have made it as hard as I can to not be able to score in a weak moment. Sure, if we want it we will get it but adding extra obstacles never hurts. Also, try to remember that all it takes is going to score one time to get arrested and things go down quick from there. Would be a shame, especially since you have a suboxone doctor and you are capable of this!


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 28, 2016 9:09 pm 
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I'm getting better everyday. My life held together thankfully as I relapsed for three weeks. I'm nervous about my sub appointment in Tuesday because I'm gonna have to tell him I used. I've never been dirty, so hopefully I don't get thrown out. I told my sponsor and am going to go back to Aa. I have enough subs to last a couple months if he did kick me out. I guess I could find a new doctor if that happened. Truthfully as long as my family is still safe, I really can't worry about my doctor. It kills me to see my family running around smiling without knowing what a junky I have been/am. I could of lost the best job I've ever had. Had they knew what was going on my life would be a mess. It's so selfish of me to risk my wife and daughter. If you saw what a beautiful life we have, it makes me sick to think of what I can become. Time to change. I feel like shit but it's the price I need to pay. I'm good and stable on subs but the tail of this Xanax has been no joke. I worked threw it and should pop out the other side. Have a great night and thanks how taking the time to respond.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2016 12:05 am 
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Hey TG,

Benzos can be rough. Glad you updated and good you are better! You will continue to improve! Keep hangin in. It will get better! Yes, be sure to be the one to explain the urine test and not surprise him. Another recent poster learned s/he had used up 1 of 4 chances that her bup doc provides. Hoping yours is understanding. If not, you MUST find another bup doc. Period. Your stash will help you until you get in w another. You need to get stable on bup for quite some time. Then you can start to deal w the shame, triggers that come. Once you are stable on bup, you will be able to deal w issues and make life changes. That's the beauty of bup - it gives a real future that includes all you so beautifully described. keep coming here and we will help support you. We all know what its like and how hard it is...

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Did well on Suboxone. Stopped May 2011.
Stopping went well -- its the staying stopped -- where the real work begins.
Coming here 'keeps recovery green'.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2016 12:28 pm 
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Getting better everyday. Sleep is pretty rough but I'm trying to push through. I'm trying to focus on work and home, while hiding this dark secret. Kinda sucks. Spoke to my sponsor about it and he doesn't feel being truthfully right now is what I should do. He wants me to just focus on staying clean. I'm real lucky that my life held together as it really shouldn't have. As far as the doctor, I think if I'm honest it will be ok. Worst case I still have plenty and can get more if needed. I'm not feeling a 100%but I'm gratefull to not have a needle in my arm. I feel like I don't deserve to skate through this. It hasn't been easy but easier than I deserve at this point. I really risked my wife and daughter, they deserve better. So today I'm gonna give them better.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2016 1:43 pm 
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Hello thatguy. I have been ready your posts and wanted to say welcome to the forum. Your last post really just hit home with me. The part about not deserving getting off easier than you are. Also about hiding it from people. I won't go into all my history. If you want to read it its on the forum under willowwitch. Anyway I really identify with those parts I read in your post. I too don't have very many people that know about this relapse of 6 yrs. My kids know (they are teenagers) and a few close friends. I think your sponsor is correct about its more important to focus on your recovery. We can't change the past . Only move forward. I know the feeling of guilt you have about your wife and daughter too. I am feeling that right now as far as my kids are concerned. I held it together real well too. I always paid the bills and kept a roof over their head. Always very involved in their lives. I am a single parent and dad hasn't been involved in several years except some negative ways. They always had food. Maybe not steak but food. Lol. But I still know that my using took away from them financially and emotionally. So I too am having a lot of remorse it seems lately now that I am clean again. My therapist says not too be so hard on myself. That I managed even in active addiction to raise healthy,happy,well adjusted kids. That they are caring ,loving and empathetic. She says I must have done something right for them to be that way. So I guess I will trust her on that until I can forgive myself. That's the hard part...forgiving myself. She also said being an addict doesn't make us bad people. Just sick people. We have a disease. Taking the right actions to get healthy. I agree with that so I guess I (as well as you too) deserve to catch a break ,deserve to be ok,deserve good things etc..as long as we keep doing the next right thing and move forward. Anyway just my thoughts. Thanks for your post. Helped me to really realize what I have been feeling and put some perspective on those things. Have a nice day :D

Willow


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2016 4:51 pm 
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Yeah man, it's crazy where this shit takes us. It's amazing that I've held things together. Even though things are together, I've still robbed them of plenty. All the extra time and money spent focused on feeding my addiction. I'm trying not to beat myself up, but at the same time I'm not gonna allow myself to pretend it didn't hurt anyone just because I didn't get caught. I want more for my daughter. Shit I want more for me. I've spent my whole life battling drugs. It's kind of embarrassing at this point, but it takes what it takes. I'm pumped that I'm finally back on subs. I couldn't get it to stick. I would take subs and still get dope. It was insane. I couldn't stop it. At least right now I'm stable. Just need to shake off the rest of this minor benzo wd. Minor or not it still sucked. Looking foreword to getting aa going again. Not looking foreword to giving a dirty urine on Tuesday to the sub Doctor. What can I do now I guess...one foot in front of the other. Be well


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