It is currently Wed Aug 23, 2017 7:37 pm



All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Our Sponsors





Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 12 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Reaching Out
PostPosted: Sat Oct 06, 2012 1:00 am 
Offline
One Month or More
One Month or More

Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2012 11:13 pm
Posts: 31
I haven't been on for a while..so I am re-introducing myself !

I started with opiates a long time ago and graduated to shooting heroin and dilaudid, etc quick.
anyway not going to go into the BS of that horrific journey, as we all well know how it goes.

I have been on suboxone for a year, on and off. I have recently been on it now since december and am tapering down. I am at 1-2mg per day.
The taper is not the hard part.
The cravings aren't really either.

Its when life, or my relationship get hard that I want to use and numb out-THAT is when I start to "crave"-its mental & emotional. Not physical.

Anyway, here I am in the midst of tapering and in this relationship that is normally very happy and supportive.
I have these insecurities though, and they take over my mind and no matter how sober or how long its been since i have used (at one point up to 2 years) , when someone triggers my "shit", I collapse. The addict speaks to me in the voices in my head.

Anyway, I am just checking in . The suboxone is great, but The big problem is the therapy I have to CONTINUE to do each week and then COPING when I feel like a worthless person who doesn't deserve a loving life.

Anyone can chime in! I have to reach out - its something I am not used to and am trying to work on.

love
Poppie


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Oct 06, 2012 1:22 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Tue Nov 01, 2011 11:48 pm
Posts: 1346
Location: oregon coast
Nice to see ya agian :wink: :wink: :wink:

Glad your doing well..................your still doing good, you know that right???????
tapering, is NO joke!!! Niether is being an opiate addict, thats for sure!!!!!!

I totally get where your coming from, about learning to COPE with things,,,,,,,,,,,,,and learning to reach out!!!
to ASK for help, when we need it. It's definitely new and scary to me, too.

you know, one thing that I ignored for so long, was the fact that I had all these underlying 'issues'
in recovery, I think it's really important to sorta 'dig in' and get to the ROOT of what are insecurities ARE.
Does that make sense???

For me, my self-confidence level, was just pretty much NONexistent. . . . . . .
As I worked on that, (which nobody else can do for you, you have to do yourSELF)
Many, other things got better.

and honestly, other things got worse .. . . . . Like OCD symptoms started showing up agian, now Im on a new medication, so that's helping..........

what Im getting at is it's very frustrating. We seem to 'fix' one thing, and something else rears it's ugly head!!!!
Pretty soon you feel like your standing at one of those games, where you hit the lil animal everytime the head pops up!!!
they're coming too fast, and you can't get'm all.

YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY :wink:
You've worked REALLY HARD to get where you are..........to get away from the dope, and start this journey of recovery.
seriously, you DESERVE to be happy, you've paid your 'dues'
at least in my opinion you have..............

there will ALWAYS be work to do in our recovery... I think any day you DON'T do something for your recovery, is a day closer to relapse. FOR SURE..........

Try and remember, you are a good person,
your WORTH the battle,,,,, (recovery)
and you do deserve a happy life!!!!!

You might look into meditation............
here's a link diary of a quitter gave out a long time ago
http://www.seattleinsight.org/Talks/Bro ... fault.aspx

It's helped me a ton, but it's not for everybody. . . You'd be pleasently surprised I think, at how easy it is, and how much you can really benefit from trying just a few techniques. It really helps me when Im all stressed out , especially when it has to do with a family member or something I can't really do anything about. . . . . .

Well, I sincerely hope this helps 8)

It IS good to see you again.
Stick around ,,,,,,,
and let us support ya, K??????????

Let me know how your doing :wink:

_________________
anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Oct 06, 2012 7:46 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Sun Jun 10, 2012 10:12 am
Posts: 565
Location: in front of my laptop
[font=Comic Sans MS]Hello PoppieRoses, and it's good to have you back. Thanks for checking in and letting us know how you are doing.
I can totally realte to where you are coming from. It's like I've done the therapy and got to the root of why I was using
for so long. My daughters. I was grieving the fact that I lost custody of them, and I just could not get rid of all of the
guilt that went with it. Like I felt like their lives are so messed up for me not being a part of them. I sit here sometimes
and I wonder what they are doing and if they are happy.

I went to therapy for a year over that. And what I learned was this. There is only so much a therapist can do. Sure, they
can listen to me go over the same thing every week, or every other week, or whatever. But the actual progression that
I make is entirely up to me. It's whether I learn to apply that to my life or not. Whether I choose to wallow in self pity
about not having them, or seeing them, or what. It's those times that I have to remember to do the things that my
therapist and I talked about. For me, its journaling. Or writing them a letter.

I think that was my MAIN issue for using. But there is another part to the equation to. Once I used the drugs to numb
the guilt, and grief, I started to use the drugs to numb EVERY emotion. When my relationship with my significant other
would get rocky, I'd use. When I got stressed out about work~I'd use. When I got into a fight with my mom~I'd use.
See, every single emotion that I experienced was treated the same way~by using.

So now here you are, almost a year later. OF COURSE you are going to think about using. It's not because you WANT to
use. You don't want to UNDO everything that you've done to get yourself better for the past year. It's because that's
what is programmed into your brain. I'm pissed=use. I'm sad=use. I'm irritated=use. I'm excited=use. You get what
I'm saying. So it's only natural to feel that way. What you have to do, is find another reaction. Another way of dealing
with your "shit" when it rears it's ugly head.

Amber had suggested meditating, and I second that! I know that I have posted this several times to other people on here
but it is just so effective. It's like meditating, but it works on your self esteem. It helps you to really forgive yourself for
the things that you have done. It helps you to really believe in your heart that you truly do deserve to be happy. It's
called "Lovingkindness". DiaryofaQuitter had suggested it to me. If it didn't work, I wouldn't repeat it like I'm a broken
record all over this forum. Just google "lovingkindness" and there are a ton of links to it. It's a simple process very
similar to mditation. Except you are focusing on love of self. Then once you get the hang of that, (took me a week), you
can start applying that to other people in your life. Even people who don't like you. Even people you don't like. It is
such a wonderful practice, and it really has given me this inner peace. I couldn' t tell you the last time I got REALLY
angry. I actually have appropriate emotions. Hurt, disappointment, sadness, rather than just anger. Nothing gets me
raging angry. NOTHING.

So I've rambled on long enough now LOL but I hope that this helped in some small way. Just try it a couple times. What
do you have to lose right? Meditating is a wonderful tool for centering yourself. Lovingkindness is a wonderful tool for
getting that self esteem and love of self that you deserve.

Good luck to you, and I think that you are doing a great job! Keep up the good work! Take care~[/font]

_________________
"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
~Deepak Chopra


Top
 Profile  
 
Our Sponsors
 Post subject: Thank You.
PostPosted: Sat Oct 06, 2012 2:04 pm 
Offline
One Month or More
One Month or More

Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2012 11:13 pm
Posts: 31
Your replies mean the world to me.
I have been fighting this battle in my head and in my soul that seems to linger on the brink of life or death at this point.
I have to make a choice.
THis is life. I WANT LIFE. I don't want that dead end road any longer.
I have relapsed a couple times, and it has been ON suboxone-at a high dose. And it wasnt' because of the dosage or not doing therapy, or not doing recovery programs. it was because I HURT and I got down on my KNEES and felt hopeless. That I did not have the coping I needed-I knew exactly what I could do- call someone, meditate, yoga, work out, all the things I DO when I usually feel that way. But sometimes, the pain is so unbearable, I hit a wall. I feel possessed and then its like once my mind is made up, thats it. im using.

Anyway, now I am finally saying- ON MY KNEES- "NO." I do not want to stab myself with poison anymore.
I WANT to move through pain like we are supposed to- because it is a natural part of life.

I came here to this forum to reach out. This is me reaching out.

For you to tell me about losing your children means to me that you opened up that part of your life to me, a stranger, a fellow addict, to offer me support and understanding. I have a child. I almost lost her too. It nearly killed me. You are a strong person, through and through. I am honored to hear your story.

Thank both of you for replying to me.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Oct 06, 2012 3:12 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Tue Nov 01, 2011 11:48 pm
Posts: 1346
Location: oregon coast
Good for YOU,,,,,,,

for taking the step each time, to get back on the 'wagon'
you know, many of us, fall or slip and dont come back......
and I think each time you 'slip' or whatever you want to call it, you LEARN something.

often times, like you said "once I made my mind up thats it, I was using''
the relapse happens long before we actually use any drugs. some lil thing sets us off, and the seed is planted.
it just grows until, well, you know!!

Anyways, Im glad you were able to work through it, without using, and decided to reach out instead.

Its horrible the incredible pain we cause ourselves, with addiction.
I have a son, too and I came pretty damn close to losing him as well.
what I did lose was about the first two years of his life.
I dont remember a WHOLE lot, I do remember some things, and I was smart enough to make him a baby book, so that helps me remember quite a lot.
But, its things like that, we'll never get back.

Sooooo
good for you, for sticking this out. and to keep on fighting. :wink:

How's your taper going???
I guess I mean, what's your plan from here???

Hang in there, your doing great :wink:

_________________
anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Oct 06, 2012 6:32 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:39 am
Posts: 4028
Location: Sitting at my computer
Hey Poppie,

Welcome back!!

You've already got some really good advice, the only couple of things that I wanted to add were this. When you do have cravings, you have to stop those suckers quick or they'll cement themselves into your brain and you'll more than likely end up using. It took me a good while to realize that I can not think about using for more than a second or two, if I do, I'm screwed.

Many of us talk about eliminating triggers from our lives to make our job of being sober easier, and it's a great idea to eliminate triggers, problem is, we'll never be able to eliminate all triggers so the ones we're left with, we have to learn better ways to deal with them. This leads me into my next thought for you.

You said, "I have been fighting this battle in my head and in my soul that seems to linger on the brink of life or death at this point. I have to make a choice. " You're right, you have to make a choice. You have to make up your mind that you're not gonna use anymore. You never HAVE to use drugs again Poppie, you really don't. It took me a while to finally make this choice to not use, but when I did, my recovery took off like a bullet.

All the recovery I had learned and used up until the moment I made that choice was like a drop of water in a bucket. Once I made that decision that I'm not using again, it was like my eyes REALLY opened up to recovery and its principles and I've been doing really good since.

Now, do I get moments where I wanna pull my hair out and get high, hell yeah I do, but I've learned over time to catch those suckers quicker and quicker and to not entertain them.

BTW, you're NOT a worthless person and you DO deserve a loving life, we all do. That's your addiction talking to you when you feel worthless and unloved, it's doing what it does best, it's trying to break you down so you'll use. Do me a favor and tell that idiot to Shut The Fuck Up!!! :wink:

_________________
Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Oct 06, 2012 7:12 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Sun Jun 10, 2012 10:12 am
Posts: 565
Location: in front of my laptop
[font=Comic Sans MS]Hello again~Look, you do not have to thank me for sharing part of my struggle with you. It's part of what helping each other
in recovery is all about. You said that you almost lost your child, and that it almost killed you. When I lost those precious
little girls~It almost DID kill me. If you are interested, you can read about it here http://suboxforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=7066

I know that right now you are feeling liking nothing more than total crap. But there is good news. You do NOT have to keep on
feeling that way. You have already done the hardest thing there is to do, when we feel as bad as you are right now. You
reached out for help. I am here to help you. Amber is here to help. Romeo is here to help, and there will be more that are
here to help.

You are going to make it throught this. One of the things that used to help me through the rough days was journaling. I still
have those days here and there, but they aren't nearly as often as they used to be. Even now, I journal when they are.
Well, posting on this forum~is essentially doing just that. You are gettng all of those thoughts that are running through your
head...out in writing. And somehow seeing it all in front of you, kind of makes it a little easier to deal with. Now add to that,
the fact that you have people who care. People like the ones that answered you. We don't do that because we are bored, or
because there is anything in it for us. I do it because I WANT to. Because noone deserves to feel this way.

Like Romeo said, you DESERVE to be happy. You deserve to live the life that you have always wanted to live. So, take this
experience, learn from it, and move forward. Make that choice for LIFE. It is SO worth is....I promise.

I will be keeping you in my prayers at night, and hoping that you wake up tomorrow with a renewed sense of how life can
be. God bless you and Take Care~[/font]

_________________
"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
~Deepak Chopra


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Oct 06, 2012 11:47 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Sat Aug 04, 2012 11:02 pm
Posts: 1002
Hey Poppieroses and welcome back!

I know all too well the feeling of relapsing. It's not that great for the ol self-esteem that's for sure. Amber and Goinstrong and Romeo have given you some really great support and normally I'd leave it at that. But something about your triggers - the grieving and hurt aspect - that made me think about how much it contrasts with mine.

We use for similar reasons - to relieve some kinda pain in our lives. However, I seem to only use when there's no reason to feel pain. I have bipolar disorder, and it's when I get hurt, depressed, sad or hopeless for no reason and nothing has happened to make me feel down .. that's when I turn to drugs. Sometimes my brain chemistry just goes haywire, and when that happens I feel really defective / broken and useless... and I see drugs as the only answer to those feelings.

Reason I'm talking about myself here is that ... when I was in rehab and people were discussing their triggers, a lot of people were like "when I'm hurt" ... "when I'm heartbroken" ... and "when I'm angry" ... "when I lose my job" .. To those people who had a mental illness, their triggers were different. For us, we'd use more when there was no reason to be feeling hurt. Like being on the best holiday in the world, and feeling miserable and not wanting to talk to anyone. On the other hand, when something happens in life that leads to us feeling hurt, like a relationship breakup, it's as if those feelings are honouring an event, rather than coming for no reason. Say someone has died and I feel grief. To me, that feeling of grief is honouring someone's life. Feeling hurt for a reason is so rare for me that when it comes I kinda don't want to use to spoil it. When I'm hurt over a relationship, that hurt I'm feeling is honouring how much I value the relationship. I actually really cherish those moments because it makes me feel normal and human to have a reason behind my hurt. And using a drug kinda spoils that moment, even if the pain is overwhelming ... in some crazy way it feels good to have a reason to grieve. It's human!

I dunno if I'm makign any sense all I'm saying is that using to escape the feelings of something valuable in our lives being taken away it takes away from how much we valued that thing. Grief and hurt over the things in our lives is actually incredibly healthy. It's that whole emotional intelligence thing. Being hurt over a relationship, a partner, a child, a loved one, a job ... comes as a result of caring about those things.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2012 1:52 am 
Offline
6 Months or More
6 Months or More
User avatar

Joined: Thu Dec 08, 2011 2:41 pm
Posts: 207
Hi poppieroses,

when romeo posted I thought he said Hi Poopie
lol

I can relate with you poppieroses. I am guessing you are female and I am sorry if you are not. I always turned to drugs when feeling insecure about relationships. I am secure with myself and love the way I look and act and think but I get insecure when it comes to other people because I know that I certainly don't look like many conventions of the American woman, and I don't act like the desired american woman, and I certainly don't think like the average American beauty. I get insecure about past relationships even. People that have cheated or physically been abusive but I for some reason still can't forget all those loving moments that came first. I guess the desire for opiates is somewhat like the desire for love. You know those first sparks in a relationship, or a lifelong relationship if you are lucky, that are just a rush as opiates. Maybe not hardcore opes but similar. You crave the source of that energy even if that source has been bad to you.

If you ever want to talk about what makes you insecure or relationship problems I know you might not want to tell anyone about it but I would like to hear it and I understand that it feels good to talk about it plus when you talk about it sometimes you can make more sense of it. And sometimes it turns out you aren't the only one that is insecure about those things, and maybe someone here can help you think it through.

I like the advice that TJ gave because it replaces the behavior that we are used to. Instead of using when you are thinking of something bad/sad, to embrace the sadness and except it and grieve over it. Before I read your post poppyroses I got off the phone with a guy I broke up a year ago because he wouldn't stop using and I had to get away from the triggers. I told him to find a different girl but we still talk every day. Finally we talked tonight about all the girls he's been seeing and I made him tell me all about them. I didn't have to ask him, but I needed to know those things so I could move on. It's not right to keep talking to a guy that is dating another girl. It's not fair to the girl. We would never be anything ever again anyways, the sexual spark is toast. But it is still hard to understand that those great times we had in the past simply will never happen ever again and if I want them to I will have to find love elsewhere. And after talking on the phone I just wanted to use. But it was a facade. It was simply the feelings in my head, mourning the loss of our relationship. It was pain. When I have pain my brain says "OHH you have pain we need to get rid of it! How do we usually get rid of pain? Oh, opiates!!" But when I read TJs post it made me realize no, I must mourne the loss of this relationship so that I can have closure. If I ignore it, then every time that situation of him moving on with other women comes up, I will go through the whole pain process again and cravings to use until I figure out how to cope with it.

And so I sat staring at the computer and just taking in all the deep emotions and the craving went away

I know this is real personal but I thought if you have the kind of insecurities that I do, I can at least tell you what has been helping me lately, and maybe you can help me too by sharing what works for you.


Top
 Profile  
 
   
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2012 3:41 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Sun Jun 10, 2012 10:12 am
Posts: 565
Location: in front of my laptop
[font=Comic Sans MS]Wow IM, and TJ, what a great couple of posts. It really makes so much sense what the two of you just said. I think as
human beings we tend to keep inside, all of those negative feelings. The hurt/sad/disappointment/abandoned. I really
think that instead of "numbing" those feelings, we truly do need to experience them, go through them, and then when
we come out on the other side unscathed, we will see that these feelings were nothing to fear afterall.

IM you had a great idea there. Sharing them with one another. I'll bet that a lot of us on here, have way more in common
then we would ever expect. You said that you were talking to an ex on the phone and that you ASKED him to tell you
about the other women he had been dating. I've done that before. It really does help in some weird way to help me
move on. This could be applied to so many other areas too. Like my daughters. I need to get out those albums that I
refuse to look at becuase they just trigger this sadness and aching, that I just don't want to feel. For no other reason than
that it HURTS. I think "why set myself up for that"? Because it teaches me that it is OK to have those feelings. They are
not going to hurt me. I will only learn better ways of dealing with them and handling them, when they show up out of
nowhere.

Poppie...you are definitely in good hands here. We all do care about you a great deal. We have all been through so much
in our lives, and especially in our addictions. I think that by sharing our experiences with each other we can learn from
each other, and grow as people. I think that by sharing our strength with each other, we can draw off of that when we
don't feel as though we have enough of our own to make it through the tough times. And lastly, I think that if we can
share our hope with each other, we can truly start to feel hope for ourselves. For our own lives.

Great thread guys! This right here is what this forum is all about. Helping the suffering addict. Bonding with each other
and realizing that though we may all look different on the outside, we all FEEL on the inside. Take Care~[/font]

_________________
"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
~Deepak Chopra


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2012 4:14 pm 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 4:42 am
Posts: 4141
Hi Poppie,

It can be ridiculously hard to convince our inner voice to say something nice to us. What do you tell yourself all of the time? I'm stupid, I've messed everything up, I can't do anything right, etc. Would we let anyone else talk to us in that way? No. Yet we bombard ourselves with these messages.

My suggestion to you is something I learned from my son's therapist when my son was going through depression. He felt, at the time, that he couldn't stop these negative thoughts and that they would spiral into a darker and darker place. His therapist had him picture a tape recorder. When his thoughts got out of control, he was supposed to "push stop" on the tape recorder. It worked well for him, although it's a bit simplistic. My suggestion is that you write out some positive self talk, so when you imagine pushing stop, you have something to replace those negative thoughts. It should probably be something that you remember easily like, "I can get through today without abusing opiates," or "I am a good person with much to offer." Make the replacement thoughts specific to your situation.

It's sometimes hard to give ourselves permission to be kind to ourselves, but if we can't do that, we'll never be able to accept that kindness from others.

Give it a try! What's the worst that could happen? I'm glad you're back!

Amy

_________________
Done is better than perfect!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2012 5:42 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Tue Nov 01, 2011 11:48 pm
Posts: 1346
Location: oregon coast
I really like what amy wrote!!!
that lady's got some good stuff to say sometimes :wink: :wink: :wink:


Anyways, I wanted to check-in on ya, and see how your holding up????????


I hope your hangin in there :wink: :wink: :wink:

We're all here for you

_________________
anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 12 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Our Sponsors
Suboxone Forum latest topics RSS feed Subscribe to the entire forum
 

 

 
Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group