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PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2015 7:30 pm 
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Hello all,

This is my first time posting here. I've been reading these forums for a few years now, just lurking around. Anyway, here is my story.

My pill addiction started about 10 years ago when my wife cheated on me and left me, taking our 3-year old son with her (he is now 13). So anyway that is how I got started. At my rock bottom I was taking 15-20 Norcos a day, stealing from my parents, buying on the street, etc. I eventually was introduced to Suboxone from a neighbor who got treatment for a heroin addiction.

So I found a good doctor, and have been seeing him for about 3 years now. A few relapses have happened in the past. Originally I was started on 16mg, but within a month I went down to 8mg. I am now on a schedule of 3/4 of 8mg one day, 1/2 for the next 2 days, and then start over. I've found this schedule very difficult to manage. This taper started around the worst possible time in my life (August of 2014).

At that time, my father passed away from sudden cardiac arrest (I had to perform cpr on him to try and save him), lost my job, etc etc etc. So, long story short, I started taking more that I should. Instead of doing 3/4,1/2,1/2 I started taking 3/4,1/2,3/4. Doesn't sound like much right? But my doctor is very strict when it comes to filling a script. He fills it TO THE DAY, which I understand.. but when I take a little extra I run low.

That brings me to today. I took my last half last night. My next doctors appointment isn't for another 9 days. I've suffered through before, coming up 3 or 4 days short. It is terrible. This time I decided I have to be HONEST with my doctor and tell him that this way just isn't working for me. I feel like I'm on pills again... counting, worrying, suffering.

How do I go about asking him? The truth of the matter is that this schedule isn't working for me. But I feel that because I've lied about it for so long, he won't believe me. I'm VERY non-confrontational and often just "yes" people to death. But I realize this isn't helping me. I have to be honest or I am afraid I will relapse. I'm just so nervous to tell my doctor. I feel he will either yell at me, or boot me from the program. I know how wrong it is to start changing my does on my own. It's the same crap I did when I was on pills. And its scaring me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Derek


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 17, 2015 10:13 am 
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Hi Derek

When i read your post my first thought was this guy isn't ready to taper. IMHO, Still grieving the passing of your dad, maybe still processing the act of CPR and maybe guilt that he passed..just way to much going on. No wonder you ran out! I recently have done the same thing...taken to much sub and beating myself up. Are you in any type of counseling? Go to meetings? What other recovery methods do you use right now?

Did you ever tell your doc about your dad or that you were having any issues with the tapering? Is he a compassionate doc or a clinic type (in & out)?

IMO, i would find another sub doc that has an opening in case your doc boots you. I would hate to see that happen but recently someone on this forum was honest and his doc booted him. It took a couple weeks for him to find another doc. That's why it may be wise to find a doc with openings as a safety net of sorts. A relapse would just be a big mistake...ya know what i mean?

You have to open up to the doc and tell him what is going on and why you took more and how you feel now, like you are again in active addiction. It may be helpful if you set up counseling sessions and/or go to meetings to show him you are actively trying to help yourself work through this. I hope to heck he is understanding.

There are wonderful people here and i am sure others will pop in soon.

Keep posting and know you are not the only one who has run out early.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2015 11:45 pm 
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Hi Derek,

I would first like to say that I'm so sorry that your dad died so suddenly, and that you weren't able to prevent his death. It is quite likely that you may be experiencing PTSD from that experience. It's not just war veterans who endure PTSD symptoms. In fact, I found a recent study done about your exact experience and the resulting PTSD: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19133848

If you google CPR and PTSD you can find a lot of anecdotal stories of people discovering that they have symptoms of PTSD after performing CPR. I experienced the sudden death of my mother over 12 years ago. I was many states away when she died, but the shock of her death took me years to get over. So you are dealing with major grief, possibly PTSD, and drug addiction.

If you have made the decision to tell your doctor about misusing your sub, make sure he understands the magnitude of your loss, the depth of your grief, and the extent to which your life has become unmanageable. I sincerely hope that the doctor has some human compassion in him. You definitely may want to look for a different sub doctor now or later.

Good luck with this situation. My sympathies are with you.

Amy

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